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KrypticKat

Did anyone else feel they were viewed as less of a widow?

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I've had some time to reflect on this but has anyone else felt like they were treated as less important in their husbands lives because they hadn't had a chance have children yet? It was subtle at times and sometimes it felt like it was right at my face: the things people would say or do. That I wasn't as significant in my husband's life because we hadn't been together long enough or didn't have the complete family set yet. Even though legally I had the right to make the decisions on my husband's behalf and we knew each other so intimately. Yet because I was young and we didn't have a family yet I was taken as less important by some. Like my love wasn't as meaningful. Did anyone else experience anything like this?

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I feel the same way @KrypticKat It's like everyone is owning my husband, especially during and after the funeral. I didn't have a say on anything. My husband and I were together for more than 8 years and just got married on 2015. For them, it seems that my time and relationship with him were insignificant. Like it's just a small fraction of his life. We didn't have a child as well. But I have a teenage SD who I am close with but I also feel she doesn't acknowledge the time me and her dad were together. For her, she and her dad and their times they've been together are all that matters. We're supposed to have the baby this year when I lost him suddenly on Dec. 22, 2016 from a heart attack. He was 44 and I am 34, 10 years apart. Their words and actions show that they know my husband better than I am. I don't know if it's just me being over sensitive and emotional. I understand everyone is in pain but rather than doing this why not show compassion and support  for one another, right. I appreciate that each and everyone know my husband personally but no one knows or understands the depths of the love we had for each other. He's my husband, my partner, my best friend, my support, my love, my life and my everything. I have always been generous to share him with everyone that loves him but treating our relationships as less important is very painful to me. I know in my heart that my husband found true love, happiness and peace in me. He came from a bad divorce and bad pasts. It is I where he found a person that loves him unconditionally and true happiness. We plan and building our future together. Now, I am totally impaired, alone and in so much grief. I miss him so much. The thing is as long as we know what we had with our wonderful husbands, no one has any business or the right to make us less important. We have to choose not to let anyone try to take advantage of our vulnerable state.

 

My heart goes to you.

 

God bless..

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I don't know if it's just me being over sensitive

 

No, your in-laws are being grossly insensitive. Your husband was the love of your life, you knew him more intimately than any of them, and your grief comes first. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that kind of meanness at such a vulnerable time.

 

because I was young and we didn't have a family yet I was taken as less important by some. Like my love wasn't as meaningful.

 

That's complete rubbish, isn't it. You don't have to look far to see that having children is no indication of a loving relationship.  My parents, for example....

 

 

 

 

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When it comes to his family my friend put it best. Your only an in-law until your an outlaw. People do crazy stuff in grief and it's a shame we can't lift each other up and support one another. I do find even people not close to him can be judgy too. Like bank employees and doctors...

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YEEESSSS!!!! The number of times I have been asked "Did you have kids?" and I responded with "No" then they kind of blew off the bomb I just dropped on them.. or they would say "Well that's good".. NO! ITS NOT GOOD! I not only grieved my husband, I also grieved the loss of my unborn children, so FUCK YOU!

 

 

Phew.. that felt good to get out :)

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I know the feeling. My husband and I were both 27 when he died (car accident), and even thought we'd been best friends since we were 14 people still acted like it should somehow he easier to get over because of my age and the fact that I didn't have kids. That hurt the most because I felt like the worst part of the whole thing was that Chris never got to have kids and I felt like if I hadn't put my career first he could have left kids behind for his parents at least. 

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@InOverMyHead couldn't summarise it better! People don't understand that not having children is not a blessing in such scenario and that we not only grieve our husbands but also the children we will never have.

 

As for being ignored by his family, 100%. Ken had sons with his previous partner (they separated some 20 years ago) and even though we got married, his family and friends showed their true colours after Ken passed away. Mother of his children has been stirring shit telling everyone that I don't have right to anything as she had Ken's kids (bad luck my darling, legally I am Ken's wife), his sons now hate me and even during the funeral, in the procession from the chapel to his resting place, they all left me behind and jumped in front of me to follow the coffin. Like I was a stranger, random spectator, not Ken's wife. Back then I barely breathed so couldn't react, now I don't care anymore. But it is not cool to be treated like dirt at your own husband's funeral.

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Oh @Bubu27 how awful. That must have made a terrible day even worse. I am 65 and my sister (at 4 and a half months) thinks I should be totally over it. It is amazing that people think this is an easy thing to get over...it's not and I don't know how long it will take. I am so sorry people are making your life harder than it has to be. Hugs to you!

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Thank you @laurie27. One of my good friends was surprised that I was still crying at 6 weeks... Can you imagine? Like loosing your husband was something you can forget and move on. I am 3.5 yrs in (feels like yesterday and eternity ago at the same time) and from my experience, there is no getting over it. You learn to live with the pain.

 

As for the funeral itself, I didn't have energy to do anything and it certainly wasn't the time and place. In the first months, up to a year I would say, I needed Ken's family that had been close to us when Ken was alive, to call and ask how I was. Apart from two of his sisters (none of whom I had known before), not a single person ever reached out to me. Nobody. His friends (I thought they were my friends too) disappeared too. 

 

It doesn't make it easier but it is good to know that I am not the only one who had to experience not only the biggest lost ever but also such despicable treatment from "the family".

 

 

 

 

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