InOverMyHead

For Christmas my MIL got me a weighted blanket and it has made an insane difference. They are expensive but I am telling you it makes a giant difference. I wish I had it in the earlier days. It is the closest thing I have felt to being wrapped in his arms again!

To be honest, your situation helps me. People expect me to recouple. I am young, I could. But I honestly don't want to. I remember asking my husband if he died would he want me to get remarried and he said yes; would you want me to remarry? And I said no. I know it's selfish, but I also didn't think he was going to die a week later. I think I told him I didn't want him to remarry because in my heart of hearts I knew I wouldn't remarry. Basically I'm a selfish bitch but at the time it was a hypothetical. We were 26. Surely I would have another 20 years at the soonest to change my mind. But. Nope. I'm glad to know you are ok. It makes me feel better knowing that one day I will be ok.

What is Whatsapp? haha

YEEESSSS!!!! The number of times I have been asked "Did you have kids?" and I responded with "No" then they kind of blew off the bomb I just dropped on them.. or they would say "Well that's good".. NO! ITS NOT GOOD! I not only grieved my husband, I also grieved the loss of my unborn children, so FUCK YOU! Phew.. that felt good to get out

Amen! The dog kills me. In the past I would feel bad for him being home alone but now I feel really bad on days like today where I will be gone at work all day, then I have therapy, then I have soccer. I won't be home for longer than an hour until 10-10:30 tonight and I left home at 6.

Not that this is the best option but I have used sleeping pills from Walgreens to get to sleep. (https://www.walgreens.com/store/c/walgreens-wal-sleep-z-sleep-aid-softgels/ID=prod6187508-product) I have used them to get back into a regular sleeping schedule when I have particularly bad nights.

Fuck missing him so much I forget how to breathe. Fuck the fact that when I close my eyes I'm back at our house and open them and I am back in this nightmare. Fuck the fact that I can't wait to die so I can be with him again. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I'm in CLE too!

merr.. I would be homeless if I didn't get help from my parents. My student loans are killing me, they make up over 35% of my take home pay. Grant it before DH died they weren't really helping, with both our paychecks we were doing fine (his student loans were about $500 less a month than mine). They paid for my cell phone and occasionally took $50 out of my account to pay for it when my dad remembered (he is still on my account).. I don't like that I need help from my parents. It actually makes me feel pathetic. They can't really afford to be helping me and it makes me sick knowing they are still making sacrifices for me. I'll be turning 28 in February for reference. This didn't really help sorry lol

During a work meeting a co-worker brought up that we all have stuff going on at home and we need to leave that at home and not bring it into the work place.. oh. okay. I'll get right on that.

You know.. With someone who is alive. The hardest thing is being in love with someone who is dead. I still for feel a need to be faithful to my husband. Especially now. I feel like he is constantly watching me, which breaks my heart because I know how much it would break his heart to see me like this and then I cry because I know he'd be crying. Its a vicious cycle. I just miss him. I love him.

This is everything. I am exhausted all the time. I need like 12 hours of sleep a night to feel like I can function, well. I am actually capable of sleeping that 12 hours and people always say that sounds great! and all I can think is that I'm sleeping away half my life and I still feel tired. I'm sooooo over it!

I literally just came to my desk and came right to this site because all I can think about is how over this life I am. I hate being alone. Last night I had to work late and all I could think about the rest of the night was how I wasn't going home to anyone, no one cared where I was (except my dog). I just miss someone caring. I miss having to call someone to let them know I am going to be running late. I miss having someone else being at home to hang out with the dog when I'm working late so he doesn't have to be home for 12 hours. I just miss him.

Oh the dreaded holidays.. for me I always feel like the 5th wheel because my parents are married and my sister is married and they all live in the same city and I'm four hours away so I come home and just feel like an outsider. It doesn't help that my late husband's birthday is in December as well. I just hate all the coupley things/family things when I feel like my family has been ripped apart even though it was just us and our pets. I'm also still young enough where my newsfeed is being blown up with engagement/baby announcements. Thanksgiving through me for a loop because I have been out of it since I got back from out of town. I think I'm going to skip Christmas with my family but I'm going to wait until the absolute last minute to tell my family so they can't come here. I just want it to be a normal weekend for me. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and I am going to decorate for it, but I love the atmosphere of it, especially the smells

Apparently Halloween is a trigger for me, too. We didn't have kids but everyone is posting pictures of their little ones dressed up and I see Dad's out with their kids trick or treating and I know DH would have LOVED every minute of it. He would have been the best dad ever.

I'm going to the watch party on Saturday down there!! )

I-O!!!!! I live in Cleveland, Ohio!! #Allin #RallyTogether

Bump. I'm really cool. Come talk with me!

Julester3, I know what you mean!! My husband is was a die hard Cleveland fan. He died 2 weeks after the Cavs lost to Golden State in the NBA finals only for them to turn around and win this past year; and now the Indians are on their run.. At least I can always count on the Browns not to win anything ;D But when I was packing up his clothes he has a Browns t-shirt that says "Just one before I die"

YESSS!!! This is everything. I do have great friends who try to help me a lot and in generally do a great job, but then I get home and I'm alone again.. well as alone as you can be with 4 pets lol I actually had someone tell me it was obvious I gained weight.. well no shit. I eat my feelings.. I'm allowed to be fat. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone.. That was off topic but I just wanted to say it lol

I don't want it.. give me back my old life. I miss him so fucking much I can't stand it. I cry everyday at work. I have multiple anxiety attacks a day. Most of the time I just am living in a constant state of anxiety. I can't keep my place clean, I can keep up with all the animals, I feel like the worst dog mom ever. I am about 3 hours late to work at least once a week and I haven't been as dependable as I once was and it makes me feel ashamed. When I have my panic attacks/grief attacks at work I put my head down on my desk and try to even out my breathing, well one of my co-workers told the CFO (not my direct supervisor) that I was sleeping.. um. No! I'm trying to survive. I am financially fucked, royally screwed. My husband's income was so important because my student loans are so outrageous that I could pretty much pay for my student loans, car payments, and some food. Luckily I paid my rent a year up front or I would have been evicted already. I'm so fucked once I have to pay rent again. I would be the worst roommate on the history of the planet so finding a roommate isn't really an option.. unless someone knows someone who is willing to deal with someone crying all day/night. Fuck. 16 months out this is supposed to be getting better, not worse. FFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mac and Cheese gets me everytime lol

This.

Tjones that's how I feel about the PE Blood Clot Medication commericials.. with Chris Bosh and Arnold Palmer and everyone.. It sucks! Every time the commercial comes on I change the channel. #Itdidntwork

OMG SDARRAH1130!!!! I WAS AT THE Q FOR GAME 7!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW LET'S GO TRIBE!!!!!!!!!!