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arneal

Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

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Ooh, that emotional connection. That's it right there. Your comment captures it so well: but an emotional connection is a different kind of thing.

 

I often wonder if some people just can't see themselves within their situation. Your NG disagrees with you about his emotional connection, but gets sentimental talking about the past, as if tears when we remember aren't a signal of emotional attachment. Or is it just plain denial, that some don't want to admit what's right there. Either way, I think you are in a good, protective space, to be slow in considering moving into the same space together. Until he can see his situation for what it is and how it looks to others, it would be hard to deal with that when under the same roof.

 

Right? Yuck indeed! LH's daughter had few filters. Her mom didn't either. I think her mom wanted a sister-friend more than a daughter. They talked about dating and intimacy in ways I wouldn't with anyone. I don't even talk about any of that with my mom and I'm an old, only child! As far as her dad's things go, she wanted some of his instruments, which are hard to ship; they are heavy and awkward to package. I have everything boxed. The rest are things like the photos, some of her dad's artwork, his horse-riding chaps, her grandmother's dishes, and all her crap that she left here a decade ago when she came to visit. I'm not throwing it away; it's hers. She likely doesn't remember what she left, but she needs to take responsibility for it. If she wants to throw it away, so be it. Let her do it in her mom's garbage; I think she still lives there. I haven't heard from her since early last year or so when she called to ask me if I would send the instruments. Her mom works for the post office and she said she would help, but unless you are willing to do a pay-on-receipt or send me $$$, there's nothing for you to do. I plan to get it all sent and mail her a letter to tell her what's coming (generally) and when it should get there. If they've moved or anything, it's on them to figure out. She's now in her mid-30's. If her mom, who's in her later 50's is still willing to live like they are both in their 20's, it's their thing ... sigh.

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That's a tough one, arneal - to continue to store LH's belongings not having a plan on how to pass them along.  Maybe give his daughter a date to collect his things, if she doesn't do this let her know you will sell what you can and send her a check?   I'm all about purging right now - 7 years out and FINALLY got rid of a storage unit full of my married household furnishings with DH.  It feels so good to pass these things along, and at last I'm in a good place emotionally to manage this now.   I found an estate sale person and she's managing it, there may be somebody near you like this that can do something like this for you? 

 

Yeah - the emotional connection, I can't think of a hard definition of what this is but I just know that he's still connected to his ex.   It's interesting and I'm kind of amazed that somehow I've managed to move forward from my late husband.  I will love DH forever, it was a great relationship that sadly came to a sudden end and I'll forever think of him with loving memories.  But I no longer dwell on what was, what could have been, our future together.   I remember our anniversaries, his birthday, but have come to accept that he's no longer here.  I no longer actively grieve, and it feels good to say this.   I think NG still grieves the relationship with his ex-wife.   They had an unresolved situation that he still wonders about, it must be a tough thing to continue to deal with for him.  Sigh ... glad to figure some of this out and I appreciate your response on this.   

 

Hope you continue to stay well, news on fires from California is getting a little better I think?  

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Hi, trying2:

 

Your description of moving forward after sudden loss is so spot-on. As we've shared in the various posts here, having someone die is so very different than divorce because there can be no attempt to get at truths or mysteries. We can't stiff upper lip a conversation with a deceased partner like they can with an ex they divorced and no longer like. If we have unresolved issues, we've got to work them out in therapy, through prayer or meditation, blocking them out, negative self-care, or just moving on. I don't get how some people have that emotional tether for so long ... LH's wife was like that. She was really horrid to him during their marriage and after, but she acted like she wanted him back, particularly when he got with someone else. When she saw I wasn't going anywhere and we were making a married life together (he had just dated here and there before), she let it be for the most part. However, there would be times that she'd show up and act kind of flirty. He looked at her like she was crazy ... it was pretty funny to me that she seemed so out of sorts that she couldn't rattle me with that crap. And she's a few years older than me by age, which is why I think she saw me in the same sort of light as she saw herself, expecting similar reactions. However, she knows nothing about me really, to get my mindset and worldview.

 

The instruments are basically the only legacy LH's daughter has. His instruments should be hers. She wants them, which is great. I gave the older set to our former church, where LH was an elder. I have no problem with her having them. I don't feel right about throwing away her things; they are hers and she should have to deal with them.  She lives on the east coast, so having her collect the items isn't going to happen; I'm not inviting her to come and get them, that's for sure. It doesn't bother me to have LH's things, it's his daughter's continued disrespect for all spaces. She has always felt entitled to be in her mother's house because she can't afford to live on her own (although I did pop into one of her social media pages and it seems she's thinking about getting her own place, which I hope is because she's finally landed stable employment) ... I might have shared it a while back, but one time when she was here she was fussing about her mom wanting her to give some $ toward the mortgage; when I said that was reasonable, she said 1) she doesn't work that many hours (and may have been in school at the time ... can't remember now), 2) she puts food in the house that her mom sometimes wastes (which was interesting to hear from her for how much stuff I watched her waste over the years). She just about blew a gasket when I said that's well and fine but neither of those things pays a mortgage, water bill, light bill, or keeps the internet on. She proceeded to say that her mom had help from her parents, so it didn't matter. When she came here in 2010, she got upset because we wouldn't let her drive either of our vehicles ... she had no job, no car insurance, a driver's license from back east, and couldn't be added to our car insurance because she had too many points on her license. But her dad and I were the bad guys. Granted, that was a decade ago, but the burns are still there. Even when she came out here for that week or so after her dad died, she went out with some dude she knew(?) who lived in L.A. He came and picked her up after texting her to say he was at the curb; it was like 10pm or so. She didn't even lock my front door. I have never lived in a place where I didn't lock doors, even though I'm in the sticks here! Something said to me about an hour after she left to get up and check ... sure enough, the big door and the screen door were both unlocked. I have big dogs but still! She didn't come home until the next day and rang the bell to be let in like it was nothing. The fact that I haven't heard from her in about a year now is also telling; that last call was to ask me for the instruments like I said. 

 

I am expecting a couple of unexpected earnings (one for something at one of my jobs and another from a speaking engagement), so I think I'm going to put most of it toward sending these boxes. It will be cathartic for me, a true closing of the chapter in a way. 

 

I don't know if things are settling with the fires as I've basically given up watching news. It's all so horrible, everywhere. I talk to my colleagues from around the state and everyone says the same thing -- it's smoky, they aren't going outside. My friend who has a home in Oak Glen (El Dorado Fire? The one started by the gender reveal smoke bomb) sent video of the area; it was about 54% contained in her last update, one structure lost (near the visitor center) but no homes. Mud slide season could be something else. She's been evacuated twice. Fortunately she has friends to stay with closer to L.A. She is a widow as well; the home in Oak Glen was her husband's and she's not that attached to it. It's absolutely lovely, as is the artwork and furnishings. She was thinking about putting it on the market a year or so ago to move into something smaller. Not sure if she changed her mind as we haven't had time to talk about it.

 

It did make me think about attachments though. I wonder what I would want to save if fire came close enough here ... I think about photo albums of my son and my parents and grandparents, a few sentimental things, my work computer and a few other tech items, and food for the animals. I'd miss the rest, but in the end, it really doesn't matter if we're all safe. Sigh.

 

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arneal  It's good of you to take care of your late husband's belongings and plan to ship them to his daughter.  Even with her sense of entitlement and general disrespect towards you.  It sounds like there are valued treasures in those belongings, and I imagine it feels good to take care of where he would want those treasures to go.  I'm finishing up the purge of my married household, and there's still some things to move along.   The kids don't want much at all, DD has a few of his t-shirts that she wears, DS didn't want anything at all.  I'm sad that DS has refused everything, including his mountain bike that he would ride on cycling trips with his Dad.   DH died while biking, and my son hasn't been a bicycle since.  My son was an avid cyclist, and I hope that someday he's able to get back into it.   With the pandemic, I dusted off my old bicycle and started riding more - emotional for me to get into it but it's been a good thing.  

 

NG - sigh.  We've had some hard conversations lately that haven't gone well at all.  Because we were getting nowhere, I told him that moving in together wouldn't happen right now, I needed to put it off for awhile.  The thing is - I want to move, want a yard for my dog and to get out of high HOA fees.  I don't know whether to move forward without him, or wait for him.  Or maybe give it a little more time ... ?    I need a peaceful relationship without strife, a soft place to land.  This isn't us right now.  I'm so sad.  Not ready to throw it away after almost 4 years, but I'm getting closer to making a hard decision about what's right for both of us.  I'm lucky that his exes aren't manipulative, we have that going for us at least. 

 

My son doesn't share much with me about the fires, as he thinks I worry too much - but he says that the smoke is clearing and he's able to get out more.  He starts grad school studying forest ecosystems,  timely as there's a lot for him to study with all that's going on right now.   Those gender reveals need to be outlawed - ! 

 

I escaped a Cat 4 hurricane once - took photo albums and my dog and didn't look back.  No regrets! 

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Hi trying2.  I haven't been on in awhile so I went back a little to catch up on the posts here.  The statement that bothered me the most is your comment about how it would be nice if you'd get a sweet text like the one he sent his ex. That is just heartbreaking.  The kind of treatment and expressions of love that you're craving, he's giving to someone else.  Not you.  Not his girlfriend.  Not the woman he's asking to move in together with....but his ex.  Please continue to follow your instincts and listen to that gnawing feeling in your gut.  Someone that loves you should be whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and not texting them to his ex. 

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SW   Thanks for your comment, and hope that you and yours are doing well.  

 

On 9/29/2020 at 1:50 PM, StillWidowed said:

 Please continue to follow your instincts and listen to that gnawing feeling in your gut.  

 

^^ Yes, that feeling is sometimes there.   It's my harsh reality that this relationship is lacking right now.  He usually does say sweet things to me, but lately that hasn't been the case.   We've had some hard conversations this past week, and I still hang in there with him.   I let him know that I'm moving forward in looking for a new place, and will move whether we're together or not.  I won't put my life on hold to wait and see what happens with him, am working on being in a better mental state and not let this relationship drag me down.  There's so much to be depressed about these days, and it's getting to me.  It's kind of like the feeling where there's so much going on right now that a quick decision shouldn't be made.  Not like widow grief, but a general sadness of all that's happening right now.  Sigh ... a gray cloud is overhead, I hope better days are coming soon.  

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Hi, all:

 

Not sure if anyone here knows any of the admin's who are supposed to be monitoring the website, but I have been trying to contact someone since the end of September and haven't gotten any answers. Emailed three different people listed before I noticed that at least two of them hadn't been active in several months. 

 

If you all know who I might reach out to, I'd really appreciate it! I wanted some information about making a specific thread, so general site related.

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