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MURPHY

Life just kept moving on without you.

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I was widowed on the 19th of February 2002,  it seems so long ago and life kept moving on. I was so glad to find the YWBB and it supported me through most of the journey. I went looking for them recently and saw they closed but found WIDDA and it is so similar. I am so glad that we have somewhere to go. 

 

It's been 17 years, I never remarried, not from lack of trying to find  happiness with someone else,  it didn't happen because of anger I thought I had no right to feel so I tucked it away. It came  out in every relationship I ever tried to have. I stopped dating after finding this out and have now found peace on my own. Really I believe that I have filled my life with so much that I don't have the space or time to allow anybody in. 

 

My boys are now grown, I often feel as if I failed in so many ways. I worked harder on my career and studying further so I could provide a better life for them, only to be diagnosed with MS and eventually put on disability. Time moved on and now I can't take it back.

 

I have 2 grandchildren already, my eldest had his first at 17. I wonder how he would have felt knowing he's a grandpa to a little boy and a little girl. He would have spoilt them rotten and that little girl  would've been the apple of his eye. He always wanted a girl of his own. But, if he had survived they wouldn't be here. My boys would've finished school instead of following their own minds. It was hard doing it alone. 

 

I am so  glad  I am not at the beginning of all this  but I would gladly go back with the knowledge and foresight I have now. You don't grief like you did anymore, but you look back and you wonder sometimes what life could've been like if the shit never hit the fan. You wonder if he even knows the amount of crap he placed on your shoulders. I don't care anymore if he would be proud of how his kids turned out. I only know I did the best I could. He doesn't have a say , it was his own  fault for drinking and speeding. 

 

Yes, sometimes I think too much and life gets me down. I'll get up again tomorrow and keep fighting.

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I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I completely understand how you feel. I was widowed 15 years ago and still worry about the effect the loss had on my kids. It’s so hard. But we do our best. 

 

I’ve had a similar week. 

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