WifeLess

TooSoon: Many times in the past members have brought children to these brunches. They are always welcome. I don't know whether any others will be bringing kids this time, but I've posted the question to the Facebook group and should have an answer for you in a few days.

Based on the responses so far from both Facebook and here, the list of definite or possible attendees includes those Young Widow Forum and/or YWBB members known as:

Bluebird

WifeLess

Singinmomo4

Bobssleepykitty

Chica

Wjoy

Michael797

TooSoon

BC63

NickM

Gaff

Kochanie

Jamiesgirl (perhaps via Skype)

Plus 2 other widowers.

Anyone else interested in attending?

IfIonlycould,

... I was afraid that someday I would have a closet of clothes that he did not recognize.  I was afraid to sell our very large and money/time consuming house for fear he would not know where to find me when he "came back", and it took a year to sell his truck because what would he drive? 

Your words remind me of Joan Didion's award winning book "The Year of Magical Thinking", which was later turned into a one-woman stage play. It is about the first year of her grief after the death of her husband. Much of that time she spent in denial that he was dead, or thinking he would return. This was the "magical thinking" part, which she knew was illogical but couldn't stop doing. If unfamiliar, here are links to two short video clips from the play:

I congratulate you on the progress you have made since your early "disorganized" days.

--- WifeLess

To honor the life and recent death of our dear friend WasAWife, local Young Widow Forum members will be gathering on Sunday May 3 at 11:00 am for a special brunch at Snuffys in Scotch Plains, NJ. Since our previous attempts at scheduling this brunch had to be canceled because of snow/sleet, I hope the weather will be more cooperative this time.

Recently, my lovely wife Bluebird posted this as a Facebook event, and at least 8 members who are also Facebook friends have already indicated they are planning to attend, with 5 more maybes. If anyone else wishes to, please post below so that the appropriate reservation can be made.

For those unfamiliar, the all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch buffet at Snuffy's is huge, enough for two large meals plus dessert. The full adult price, including tax and service charge, is about $30 per person, but half that for children of ages 5 to 8 and free for those of age 4 or under. Directions to Snuffy's/Pantagis/Renaissance may be found here:

http://www.pantagis.com/direct.html

It seems very fitting that Snuffys be the location for this special brunch in WasAWife's honor. Five years ago she organized the first NJ Sunday Brunch Widowbago there, which began a tradition of Snuffy's brunches that brought YWBB members together almost every month for the next several years. The number of attendees often surpassed 20, with members coming from not only NJ but several surrounding states as well, including NY, PA, CT, MD and even OH and MI. So I hope you will join us. It is not necessary to have met WasAWife to attend. All wids and kids are welcome.

ATJ,

A beautiful and appropriate metaphor for what our journey frequently becomes in the aftermath of our loss. Accepting our powerlessness over the direction that the winds take us is not always easy. But in doing so, a measure of peace can often be found. So, although I claim no formal religion, during my early days I took inspiration from the words of the Serenity Prayer, as I kept reminding myself to accept the things I cannot change.

I wish for you and for all of us here the peace that comes from this acceptance.

--- WifeLess

Justin,

My 8 to 9 month point also occurred around this time of year. It was the springtime when everything returns to life here in the northeast, although I couldn't help but notice back then that this excluded my deceased wife, and therefore myself. Even the position of the sun in the sky, as well as the length of the shadows and of the day itself, began to resemble what they had been when my wife died 8 months earlier. The return of spring that year was a melancholy time for me.

Perhaps some of these same factors are affecting you as well. If so, I hope your recent resurgence of grief is only a temporary one and passes quickly.

--- WifeLess

66etype,

Right now I feel the most confident, beautiful and have the most self worth than I ever have. I feel like Michael is cheering me on from the sidelines...

Very happy for you that your long journey has recently taken you in such a positive direction. Several years ago, when I first started feeling like I was making progress, I had a sense similar to the one you describe. That was when I posted:

I often feel that my [deceased] wife has been assisting me in facing the challenges of my new life. Some might say it is her actual spirit, and others, the spirit she instilled within me when she was alive. Whichever it is, it allows me to go on . . . Wherever I go, whatever I do, she is with me. And so I never feel that I am leaving her behind. I see her smiling with me when I am up, encouraging me when I am down, laughing at me when I do something dumb. As she did for so many years in life, I'm sure that in death she still wants the best for me. And so she is guiding me towards happiness.

--- WifeLess

sphoc,

You may indeed be overwhelmed by all that is going on. If so, it is certainly understandable. But your actions with regard to your aunt do not appear to be out of guilt and fear. I think instead they are the result of care and compassion. You are to be commended for becoming involved as you have.

A belated Happy Birthday.

--- WifeLess

SoVerySad,

Sorry you are going through the physical and emotional pain you describe, and that you have had a grief setback. Your words reminded me of how I felt the first time I became ill after my wife's death, like I was plunged deeper into grief. I also recall that when I physically recovered a few weeks later, I felt emotionally stronger again too. Around the same time, another YWBB member said she went through something similar when she was sick.

As a result of these experiences, I came up with the theory that under ordinary circumstances it must be taking all of the inner strength and emotional energy we have to fight off grief and hold ourselves together. But when we become ill or injured, and therefore need some of that strength and energy to battle the illness or injury, we have less of them available to defend ourselves against grief. And so for a while the grief monster may have the advantage . . .  but only for a while.

If this is the case for you, I hope you regain the advantage very soon.

--- WifeLess

Just Jen,

My heart hurts. Truthfully, it's so scarred and broken that I'm amazed it can feel anything at all. I almost wish it would go completely dead, so I wouldn't have this constant ache, but it stubbornly persists.

This part of your post reminds me of a YWBB discussion that occurred during my first year. A member posted about having a "constant ache in my heart", to which I replied:

"It's now been 9 months for me. And I too live with that 'constant ache in my heart'. Although it drains much of my energy and at times seems unbearable, I don't complain about it. Instead I remind myself of how I felt during the first few days and weeks, when the pain was all encompassing. Not just in my heart, but in my head, chest, stomach, every part of me. And it couldn't be relieved even with sleep . . . Now, I seem to be able to confine it within a ball that sits in the center of my chest just above my stomach. I really should not describe it as being 'in my heart'. I think it more accurate to say that it occupies the place where my heart once was. As sad as it is to say, I guess this is progress."

I wish you continued healing as you enter your second year.

--- WifeLess

Neverthesame,

My deceased wife and I were together for about 28 years. And thoughout the entire first year after her death I was convinced I would never have another romantic relationship. Although I met and formed friendships with many widows and widowers during that time, I had no interest in dating anyone, and was sure I never again would.

But all that changed the day Bluebird and I met for the first time. Although the purpose was to discuss widowbagos and other issues we had been posting about on YWBB, something magical happened instead. We immediately seemed to "click" on so many levels, and within a couple of weeks we became almost inseparable. Somehow, we just knew that we belonged together. So, the following year we became engaged, and in the Spring of 2013 we were married. It is truly difficult for us to believe that, despite everything we had been through, we were nevertheless able to find each other and such tremendous happiness.

With regard to the guilt you describe, although it is not unusual for a wid to sometimes feel guilty about recoupling, I have never felt that way myself. In fact, very early in my relationship with Bluebird I posted:

"My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my [deceased] wife. As some other members here have expressed, we often feel (or at least like to think) that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought."

--- WifeLess

Brenda,

At 3 months, of course you are feeling as you describe in your post. At this point you should not expect to feel anything other than heartache, hopelessness and despair. And the feeling of no longer having a purpose in life is also a common one. I personally felt that way myself for almost a year after my wife's death. Which is why at 3 months I posted:

So now that she is gone, my life is pretty much empty. I appear to function, but it is without direction, meaning or purpose. I frequently wonder: What is the point of going on? I haven't found an answer yet, and I don't expect to anytime soon. It took me so many years to establish my professional life, and even longer to find the woman who would bring joy and meaning to that life. So, how long will it take me to find purpose again? Will that ever happen?

 

At this point, I accept that I am not in a position to uncover the answers to those questions. I have only recently entered this strange new world, and I am still learning my way. I also know that I have not been thinking very clearly in the months since I lost my beloved. Months that have been filled with shock, grief and loneliness.

 

So for now, I will spend my time trying to heal. That is as much as I can handle. And those questions, as important as they are, will have to wait

I now see that those last two paragraphs actually proved to be among the best pieces of advice that I could have given myself back then. For more than a year, I blindly put one foot in front of the other and kept going, even though I didn't have a clue where I was headed or why. But fortunately, during my second year of widowhood my life changed greatly for the better as I gradually uncovered a new sense of purpose and meaning.

So please hold onto hope. You are still very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

--- WifeLess

moncoeur,

The feeling that we no longer have a purpose in life is a common one after being widowed, especially for those of us who were with our spouses for a very long time and never had children. During the first year after my wife's death I posted:

So now that she is gone, my life is pretty much empty. I appear to function, but it is without direction, meaning or purpose. I frequently wonder: What is the point of going on? I haven't found an answer yet, and I don't expect to anytime soon. It took me so many years to establish my professional life, and even longer to find the woman who would bring joy and meaning to that life. So, how long will it take me to find purpose again? Will that ever happen?

 

At this point, I accept that I am not in a position to uncover the answers to those questions. I have only recently entered this strange new world, and I am still learning my way. I also know that I have not been thinking very clearly in the months since I lost my beloved. Months that have been filled with shock, grief and loneliness.

 

So for now, I will spend my time trying to heal. That is as much as I can handle. And those questions, as important as they are, will have to wait.

I now see that those last two paragraphs actually proved to be among the best pieces of advice that I could have given myself back then. For more than a year, I blindly put one foot in front of the other and kept going, even though I didn't have a clue where I was headed or why.

But life changed greatly for me during my second year of widowhood. Although it took more than a year to uncover, a new direction for my future finally revealed itself and I began to develop a new sense of purpose. I even found genuine happiness again. And great love too. This, despite my disbelief of that possibility and unwavering insistence to the contrary for so many months.

So please hold onto hope. Until we arrive at our destination, none of us can know for sure where our journey may be taking us, nor what kind of meaning we will ultimately find there.

--- WifeLess

Sandi,

I have a collection of old posts that I wrote for YWBB but never actually posted. Since most were intended to be responses to things I read there that upset me, it's just as well that I didn't post any of them. It would not have been pleasant.

--- WifeLess

IfIonlycould,

Sorry you are having such a bad day. Perhaps the following will help.

Looking back at some of my early posts, I am reminded of how I felt then, like I was wandering around in the darkness without a clue as to how to proceed. I could not see any long term future that I was willing to live. At one point I wrote:

"It has been just over 8 months for me and I still don't allow myself to look for the light that I hope will eventually guide me out of this. For I know it will not yet be visible. So I wait and I hold on. But it isn't easy. Every day is a struggle to maintain my sanity, assuming I still have any left."

And all throughout my first year, I thought my life was pretty much over. Nine months after my wife's death I posted:

"The truth is that I am not ok. Nor will I ever be again, now that I am without her."

But I was very wrong. Although it took more than a year, life did begin to change for the better. And over time, this eventually led to a rediscovery of great happiness. Which is why at 16 months I was able to write the following to a newer member still struggling:

"I am happy to report that I have recently begun to see some of that light. So have hope. You may see nothing but blackness right now. That is just the darkness of the grief tunnel that you are passing through. Keep holding on as you have been and you will eventually emerge into the light."

--- WifeLess

ATJ,

I thank you and all who posted here for your thoughtful contributions. There is not much I could add to this discussion, except to say that after my wife's death I too recognized the need to rebuild. I think the most succinct wording I could come up with to describe what was lost, as well as some of the difficulties associated with rebuilding, appears in "Unique and Devastating Loss". Recently, Bluebird invited me to repost that document on the website of a small nonprofit that she is associated with, which was started by a widow and provides services to widows and widowers. The following is an excerpt from my preface to it on that site:

"We widows and widowers know all too well how destructive the death of our spouse is to virtually every aspect of our life. As excruciatingly painful as it is to lose that one unique person in the world we were closest to, our devastating loss actually extends well beyond that, and often includes even our own selves . . . "

For those who may wish to read more that post, here is a link to it:

http://www.onefitwidow.com/unique-and-devastating-loss/

--- WifeLess

AndysWife,

Thank you for posting this interesting article. I know it will bring comfort to a number of SOS who may be reading this.

And mixelated,

My wife, too, suffered from bipolar disorder. But in my case, I was well aware of the diagnosis for many years before her death. In fact, I often spoke with her psychiatrist, whom she saw almost monthly.

It is generally accepted that mental illness is associated with upwards of 90 percent of suicides (although the illness often goes unrecognized and undiagnosed). And of all the categories of psychiatric illness that have been studied, bipolar disorder has the highest suicide rate. Some sad statistics about its lethality that may be found on the web:

The lifetime suicide risk for someone with bipolar disorder is estimated at 10 to 20 percent, compared to 1 percent for the general population. Also, as many as 25 to 50 percent of those with bipolar disorder attempt suicide during their lifetime. And among those with bipolar disorder who do attempt suicide, the rate of "successful" completions is 1 in 3, which is 10 times higher than the rate for the general population.

It appears that your husband sadly contributed to these grim statistics, as did my deceased wife.

--- WifeLess

ATJ,

Your words have always held such beauty, even long ago when they were products of the darkness that imprisoned you. And now that you have broken free and emerged into the light, their beauty has only been enhanced.

Thank you for sharing with us your inspiring story of hope.

--- WifeLess

BrokenHeart2,

Good job.  What happened?

For two days in a row, spam was posted simultaneously in every section of the Board. Fortunately, it was removed each time within a couple of minutes. Also, the spammer's account was deleted and the IP address was blocked.

--- WifeLess

AC,

"Speedy service" is our middle name. Well, I guess that's two middle names.

--- WifeLess

sdarrah1130,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

Sorry this site presently lacks the resource of books that YWBB offered. Perhaps one day this will be remedied. In the meantime, two books that I personally found the most helpful are:

"A Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis, which describes his journey through grief after losing his wife.

And the first half of:

"Man's Search for Meaning . . ." by Viktor E. Frankl, in which he makes the argument that

"... suffering ceases to be suffering in some way in the moment that it finds a meaning".

Over the 5+ years of my widowhood, I have found this to be true.

These, along with H. Kushner's "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", which I have not read but many other widows and widowers have found helpful, are mentioned in the following article that you may wish to read about recovery from grief:

http://www.gapsychology.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=305

Sorry for your loss.

--- WifeLess

Bluebird,

Several months after my wife's death I posted:

"I now live in a cold, hostile, alien world."

And for a while that was true. But YWBB would soon come to feel like home, and I would soon view those posting there as family members. It is very sad that our old family home, our mothership, is no more. And that so much had to be left behind. Hopefully, what we took with us, which is mostly inside, will be enough for the rest of our journey.

--- WifeLess

A very sad day.

mixelated,

The details of your story indicate that you were clearly under tremendous pressure both at work and at home for a very long time. And I suspect this often drove you to the point of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. So it understandable that you may have sometimes acted in a way you now regret. Under those circumstances, we all do.

Guilt, regrets, and second-guessing are normal human reactions to unpredictable tragedies like the ones we have experienced. So this questioning will always be going on somewhere in the back of our minds. But we must eventually learn to live with that. The reality is that there was no way we could have predicted what would happen, and so we should try to not beat ourselves up over it. Although not always easy, we must find a measure of peace by accepting that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

I wish for you the peace that comes from that acceptance.

--- WifeLess

ATJ,

When I first joined YWBB, I was one of those you refer to who was hesitant to post. Fortunately, I quickly overcame this and benefitted greatly as a result. Had I not been an active part of this community, I don't know how I would have survived.

Thank you for so beautifully reminding us of what our role should be here with regard to one another.

--- WifeLess

Carey,

Thank you for restarting this thread here on Young Widow Forum, and for sharing your experiences so openly and honestly on it. I'm sure that many who follow will indeed benefit from your story, as well as from those of other members like yourself who will no doubt be contributing to this thread. For now, all I will add is something I once posted on our previous board:

When an issue such as mental illness, suicide, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc., is involved in our spouse's death, dealing with the aftermath can be especially difficult. Life was frequently frustrating, exhausting and sometimes even dangerous for years before their death. It was very likely an ambiguous love / hate relationship with a wide range of behaviors, some loving, some argumentative, some violent. And so for those of us left behind to deal with the consequences, feelings will likely be conflicted, just as they were before our spouse's death. This may make grieving a more complicated process for us than for those widowed under more "normal" circumstances.

Sorry for the complex road to healing and recovery that you must travel.

--- WifeLess