canadiangirl

 

I don't want to reach out, I feel like a burden when I do; and they're living life, while I'm struggling to survive; every day is a battle, against myself, and many lose the war...THIS is how anxiety wins...but it's because anxiety is right; no one cares, no one can handle it...hide me...hide your pain...then you find that person that says they can handle it, and they do for a while...then they'll call you a debbie downer, they'll say you're bitter, they'll tear away just enough layers to see your wounds and then they'll leave, saying you're clingy, needy, annoying, weak and it will take months to rebuild...

Sending you empathy and support. This quote above resonates. Real friends care, they want us to be okay, and that is also why it is tough for them to hear the truth, which is that we are not (always/often) okay.  My own experience suggests that in general people are so overwhelmed, including trying to live a perfect life on Facebook, that they cannot take on another thing, which the struggling become. I know this is sometimes how I have felt these years since I lost my husband, which has made me in some ways a lesser friend.  But the extent to which once-close friends have not been there for me/my family is quite staggering. Many people only want to hear the heroic story that we are strong and have overcome adversity, not realizing the heroism that still lies in the day to day struggle.  So I let it rip for my social worker, with no regrets, as she is paid to hear the truth, and I cherish the friends who can handle reality.  I get it. 

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack

        A crack

    In everything

  That's how the       

    Light gets in...

Leonard Cohen, Anthem

I believe that acknowledging who and where you are, even if it's a hard truth, is the best way to have peace of mind. Following the "should" school of behavior is the quickest way to internal confusion and bad decisions. "Should" gives us a framework of how to think act that's externally motivated and may not be coming from a place that's real for us.

 

All of that is a long way of saying that you sound to me like you're in a real place. Right now you believe the best years of your life may be behind you, but you're still open to joy and love and life and beauty. What else could anyone want? Continue to embrace the truth of where you are and use it to take you someplace new. Personally, I think your kids are lucky to have a parent who is so in tune with their inner self.

This -articulated so masterfully.  I feel much the same way, SVS, and I am okay with it. Doesn't mean I don't have hope for beauty and joy which are so hard to find these days.  Realism is not the opposite (or death of) optimism. The only thing that makes me sad about this is that part of being "young widows" is that we find ourselves sometimes with outlooks more suited to those who are not in their prime of life, but with more responsibilities and less time to reflect.  Hugs SVS.  What Calimom said too.

Here is the beautiful piece called the Art of Presence referred to by hikermom re: the firefighters and the builders.  Worth reading if you have not already. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=0

Sending empathy and support from here too.  It's exhausting, and people who ask those who are grieving to think positively or live in the interminable moment do not always get what they are asking, or that it can be shaming for those who suffer, driving them further underground.  I really relate to Patton Oswalt's saying that the "lights have been turned down 50% in everything". There are days when I am Frodo and cannot remember the taste of strawberries.  But I hope, for me and you, and everyone here.  Hugs. 

I'm sorry about this - I have actually never been referred to this way, yet.  You are that, it's true, but also much more.  That's great you are working in the local campaign office- very inspiring to me, as I am still holed up for the most part.  Hugs.

I think this is a compounded grief...It is also important to me because he was just too important a person to fade into vague memories. Although he won't fade, the details grow fuzzier as time passes. He becomes more illusory and less a man of flesh and substance.

 

Finally, a very personal loss is that for 23 years, my life was so entwined with his. With the physical loss of him, that was stopped abruptly. The loss of memories, or fading of memories is just one more loss. I'm tired of loss.

This.  Thanks for articulating exactly why I feel this stress - he was too important to let fade. And yes, it is one more loss.  It breaks my heart a little again, even 3 years on.

Tybec, Portside's post was a comfort here as well. The reaction to memories is hit or miss. I hope that I am reading your post wrong and more than 1 of 105 family members responded to your call for memories.  I seriously would treasure that Letter from Dad- priceless.

Julester, yes I am hoping the data can be retrieved by the right company.  I periodically look at my dead Macbook and tamp down panic that it cannot - must deal with this head-on one day.  Your scrapbooking sounds amazing.  And yes, it is so strange to also be the keeper of the love story. And the recounting of and cataloguing of the memories I think is something of a burden precisely because it also does bring up such emotion...

I am sorry more people did not respond to your birthday request for memories.  I asked for written memories in lieu of flowers at DH's funeral - many did not respond, those who did gave my child and me a treasure.  I wish people knew how meaningful it is to have some of the burden even temporarily lifted through such small acts of kindness.

Thanks all for responding.  It does help knowing one is not alone.

This is a stress for widow(er)s with kids and without, but I am going to park it here for now. 

My small one was 5 when DH died, only just, and is beginning to forget DH, and feels badly for it.

We have had little to do with DH's family since his death (they are just not present, emotionally or physically), and they live far away.  My parents prefer not to speak of DH for a variety of (valid) reasons, but do on occasion. 

So I'm the keeper of the memories, and it's an added low-level but ever-present stress.  I have no time to do all I wish to do for my child, rescue the 100s of photos I took of them from my dead laptop (I am just praying they are still there), edit and string together videos, write down stories about DH.  I actually did not know my DH for a long time, and things were in high stress mode for much of our life together.  I am trying to keep his memory "alive" and also trying to find that balance between speaking of him and honouring my child's wish to sometimes NOT speak of DH.

I so wish my DH were here to tell his own stories again.  Is anyone else having the same struggles trying to ensure memories are somehow captured for the kids (and for oneself)?  It's one.more.overwhelming.thing here.  And I am gearing up to do some of the same work with my parents before they're gone too...

Here is a link that Canadians can watch (the one MM posted is blocked to us):

(worth watching, he uses humour well)

http://teamcoco.com/video/how-patton-oswalt-his-daughter-are-coping-with-his-wife-s-passing?playlist=x;eyJ0eXBlIjoicmVjZW50IiwiaWQiOm51bGx9

More virtual hugs.  I have the same relationship with my mom...I dread Thanksgiving this weekend though because every year she makes a big deal of the fact that we all fit around the Thanksgiving table, when if my DH were here, we wouldn't.  It's not exactly a feat --more a defeat, and I notice his absence so much, even if others do not. 

Beautiful, thank you for posting. 

What hikermom said.  Thanks for sharing this, Portside. So sorry for the loss of your mom but glad for her and for you that it was peaceful and served as the catalyst for something positive. 

I know the advice of needing to take care of myself but I have no support systems so please don't offer up those suggestions. I know they are meant well but I know all that and knowing it only makes me feel more alone when I realize that getting time for me is impossible because I'm so isolated and alone (see the vicious cycle??).

This point reminded me of an MD friend, who when my husband was so sick and dying said "You have to take care of yourself as well" and I looked at him incredulously, just thinking so well-meant, but just no. I had a very small child, full-time job, no family in town, friends heartbreakingly absent for the most part, no full or even part-time nurse and exercising at home in front of someone whose bones would break doing the same things...no.  So now I am still reaping the rewards of that era. 

On muscle memory, I was incapacitated with exhaustion one Monday this summer, just could not move and could not figure out why, was getting scared enough to consider calling an ambulance if it continued.  I later realized it was our wedding anniversary.  I'm so tired all the time I don't keep the dates straight, but my body knew. I was back up again for the grind the next day.

Sending you empathy and support, hikermom.  I hope you feel better soon, if you don't already.  Your posts always resonate and your writing on muscle memory is an example.  I don't know what the answer is.

TornApart, thanks for this post honouring your love. I love the Tom Bodett quote and share the lack of motivation and ambition, and wish I could at least find some more of the former.  Thinking of you

Sending belated virtual hugs, such a great way to honour his memory.  I hope you and your family got through the sadiversary okay. 

Bunny, thanks for posting these links to Death Sex and Money.  I loved this podcast when I first found it, and you made me rediscover it.  I haven't had the courage to listen to your second post (the woman who died in July), but I have enjoyed many others since, and will shortly listen to a couple more tonight. 

A repeat post, but FUCK CANCER.  Another person lost yesterday (a friend's dad), another widow, some reliving of sad moments.  Effity-eff to this effing disease. 

But in truth I found it another thing on my to do list and a bit of a chore (and I know you often reflect back what you give etc). It takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends; I found the superficiality of meeting new people often drained my already limited reserves. And while some of me misses being part of a couple I really do not have the emotionally energy for online dating...

 

I had a bit of an aha moment around the year 3 mark - I was shocked at how I had disengaged emotionally from life in general, although most people looking on would see someone who runs around sorting the kids out, working, organizing holidays, family visits etc. I sat down and really tried to work out what I wanted for me and not for anyone else. And in truth I am often at my happiest pursuing solitary activities, reading, long walks with the dogs, biking etc. So I took the decision to concentrate on and enjoy these activities and not worry about “socializing”. And by doing this I really feel that now I am re-engaging in and appreciating life in a way that suits me personally.

 

Eimear McBride the Irish writer (who had trained to be an actress), was asked about the death of her 22 year old brother: But why did Donagh’s death turn you away from acting? “I realised that I’m not a communal person. As an actor you need to be able to be around people a lot. And I can’t. I couldn’t because of the grief. And then once I’d learned to live with it either I had been changed into a more solitary person or I realised that was the person I had always been”.

Nog1, thanks for posting this, not off-topic at all. What you wrote spoke to me because I have become quite reclusive as well and have been a bit worried about it.  I honestly would prefer to be alone when I don't have child responsibilities, but I have been trying to maintain friendships. This can be difficult because I have no family in town, no real babysitter and not much energy, not to mention emotional energy (I hear you!).  It's petty but I also feel some resentment about how friends just have not been there for the two of us (my child and me), or when DH was dying- that adds to my reclusiveness.  I've been fighting it, and trying to say "YES" when offers for social outings (rarely) come my way, but maybe it's time to reframe things. Embrace the solitude in some ways...although I do still try to be social in part for my child, feel it's necessary.  If I struggle with friendships, I can't imagine dealing with a relationship.  I seriously cannot fathom how people make it work, but applaud them.

I’ve always been happy for those that found love again and remarried but the phrase “Chapter Two” always rubs me the wrong way when it means remarriage.

 

Either way, I’m not in a contest with anyone. I’m not counting chapters.  I’m just living my life.

Euf, thanks for this post, it also made me think.  The first time I saw the phrase Chapter Two on YWBB (the old board), I was surprised that it referred to re-coupling, because I thought everyone widowed was already in the next chapter. I think you're right, Chapter Two should just refer to the next phase of our life post-loss, not exclusively to being re-coupled.  If it's used at all- I too am far beyond Chapter Two. My story is still being written, and surely it might still be an interesting tale even without the formulaic ending.

Thanks for sharing this, it resonates.  I have been working with a new social worker (for trauma) who is also an addictions specialist, and I was just asking the question today about why humans do things they KNOW are bad for them.  And she said because the urge to escape, avoid, or whatever the nature of the urge is that underlies the use of the drug or alcohol or eating disorder is much stronger than that information, that knowledge, and stronger than "willpower" (which she emphasized was not part of healing with respect for addiction).  I am sure that is self-evident to most but not to me--I will be thinking about your post, thanks again.

You inspire me!  What a great post.  Let us know when you conclude that final debt negotiation - I will raise a glass from here.

Sending big virtual hugs from here as well.  So sorry for this tragic loss. 

Like Julester3, new seasons of Game of Thrones.  I watch them really in tribute to him, as they were never my thing.  I can't watch the other shows we used to watch together any more.  Hugs, TornApart.

Euf, adding to the chorus, thinking of you and your Jim and thanks for posting this.

DonnaP, no personal experience to share, and I can see what you mean about the drama, but a friend's daughter successfully transitioned to male and my friend's loving support meant everything (the husband/father left, the marriage broke up). Building on what Quixote stated, from the American Psychiatric Association, 2013, description of how gender dysphoria is characterized in DSM-5 (emphasis added):

It is important to note that gender nonconformity is not in itself a mental disorder. The critical element of gender dysphoria is the presence of clinically significant distress associated with the condition. 

Pretty categorical. IMHO, this argues for limiting the distress the individual faces.  Best wishes.

Fuck feeling overwhelmed so often and over such small things.  Fuuucck the things that sit on my to-do list for ever, fuck that things keep breaking so that list is ever growing, and fuck trying to manage that list yet still be a present parent.  Fuck that the handy person is gone so I am paying through the nose for contractors that I cannot afford, for those things that Google and I simply cannot tackle.  Fuck that I never seem to get to that magic formula of energy + time + motivation.  Fuck that my child could already be a basement hacker, electronics are so present in my house.  My social worker, who was once a divorced parent, said that someone once told her that "being a single parent means failing at everything - failing at housework, parenting, one's job, friends, etc."  Although not a defeatist by nature, and I don't feel that fits for everyone, FUUUCCK that that fits for me!  (right now) (again, there's that hope thing) (hopefully this will change).  Fuck.