serpico

I don’t understand the problem with him asking. If you inadvertently took some of his movies, shouldn’t he be able to get them back?

13 hours ago, tybec said:

I am not going to be some guys rub out.

I’m laughing very hard right now. This should be your signature. 😂

15 hours ago, trying2breathe said:

I would like to make plans and not include them, and let NG know why.  Is it wrong to not want to include her too?   Maybe it's selfish of me, but life is too short to be dealing with this.

Yes, I believe it would be wrong. If you’re not going to include the daughter you may as well leave him out of your plans as well. You would be putting him in an impossible position.

Does the kids’ mother know that he died?

I’m an idiot banker chiming in. I can imagine myself saying ‘tough, huh’ to a client who told me their spouse has been gone for three years. I can even imagine screwing up my face a little to give a look that says ‘I can’t imagine going through that’. That look may even look like a grin and cause someone to be offended by it, I guess.

I think it’s worth cutting the guy some slack.

4 hours ago, Bunny said:

I’m not advocating we stifle our opinions when asked, I just think that there are ways of expressing our opinions while also remaining respectful and loving towards our fellow wids. 

True, and everyone’s definition of ‘respectful and loving’ will be different.

Thanks for the responses so far. Just to be clear, this isn’t a CPS sort of thing. Stuff that needs addressed, for sure, but nothing sexual or criminal.

I feel like I addressed this in a previous post but I can’t seem to find it. Has anyone - family member, friend, etc - ever called you out on your post-loss parenting? I assume the answer will often be ‘yes’ but I’m more interested in how you took it. Did you get mad, brush it off, discontinue contact, take stock and make changes or ignore it? Or any or all of the above?

Please, I’m not looking for sympathy as I’m not getting called out, but someone else is, and quite frankly, it’s deserved, and I’m considering adding my two cents but I’m not sure how much good it’ll do.

Hopefully a good thread will ensue from these questions, as I’d like as much input as possible. 

45 minutes ago, tybec said:

So, if you decide to date and bring them home, I do not think you can have the home like your mate never died.

I agree completely. When I started seriously dating my current wife, I had a wedding picture of me and my previous wife in my living room. It made her uncomfortable and before long I took it down. Everyone's tolerance for such things will vary, of course, but I felt it was the right thing to do.

4 hours ago, Leadfeather said:

 

 

Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you.  https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

Maybe I'm taking this article too literally, but I wasn't crazy about this section:

Quote

Phase 3: Only angels allowed

I am going to sound a little authoritarian and as if I am your parent. I apologize in advance but this is how I sound when I care a lot. This phase here is so important and this is where we begin to get the controls back. So here it goes: I cannot allow you to date or become friends with people who are not the kindest people you have ever met. That’s right they have to be so kind that you wonder if they are angels.

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

This board certainly isn't as user-friendly as the last one. I've tried to edit/delete a couple old posts but found that I wasn't able to.

powbesh,

I mean this gently, but have you sought professional help? Some of your symptoms sound alarming and I think it would make sense to talk to someone, even if it would be on an emergency basis. I wish you the best of luck.

I don't think I would say anything about these comments - at least I know I didn't. Think about it - you are amongst a group of friends, and what do friends often do? Complain about their spouses, of course. I know men do it, and I imagine women do it as well. It's a common thing. I do understand it hurts, but they aren't singling you out or trying to hurt you on purpose. I feel like you could alienate people by telling them what they can and cannot say around you.

I remember about two weeks after my wife died I was talking with some people and one of them was describing a funeral viewing he had just been to. Part of the way through it he looks up at me and says 'Oh my God, I'm sorry'. I was like dude, I'm still the same person and I don't want to be treated differently - just talk around me like you normally do.

22 hours ago, November said:

My daughter still has her days but for the most part is respectful and now understands that he is part of our lives. 

...

So if anyone is going through something similar with their kids- I want you to know that it does get better but you (as parents) have to understand and really believe that you are the adult and in charge of your life not the other way around.

I'm really glad to hear that your daughter has come around. It's not easy to make decisions that our children don't agree with but you're right - YOU are the one in charge of the house and as the adult, YOU get the make the decisions and deal with the consequences. Thanks for the update!

I wonder how much of this thread is 'just' venting (not that there's anything wrong with that, lol). Portside's post brings this to mind because all we mostly see here is one side. So yeah, a lot of the significant others don't look so great here and from the outside it seems like many are acting like louts. But the post immediately above this one shows that both sides can contribute to relationship problems. Not to pick on ya, trying3breathe, but it was refreshing to see you admit you are excluding him as well. Maybe others on this thread are culpable but it's rare for us (as humans) to admit our own mistakes, so as a result the NGs (not a fan of that term) look like crap and then everyone joins in.

Not sure what my point is here, but I often wonder how many complaints could have been made about first marriages while they were going on compared to the post-widow relationships we read about here. It seems that many hold their marriages as the gold standard that nothing else can measure up to, but maybe that's just the way I'm reading them. Or maybe it IS just venting...

My friend is being brought home today for his final days/weeks. The family has been praying for either a miracle or a quick and painless end, and it looks like they're going to get the latter of the two. I hope to spend some time with him this weekend. It's so strange that he's walking and talking and mostly making sense but they say he could literally go at any time.

I would recommend talking to them if only to confirm there is actually no reason for them to be calling you. If you don't owe them anything you don't have anything to lose, and hopefully they'll stop calling once you've cleared things up. Full disclosure: I'm a banker and I occasionally have to make collection calls. It is a tremendous source of frustration when people who I have a legitimate reason to talk to try to avoid me.

40 minutes ago, Portside said:

 

Wow. From a simple competitive point of view, guys like this make it so much easier for a plain, straight up, normal guy.

 

I don't even know what to say about this fella. This can't possibly be a winning strategy  - can it?

I guess if his intended audience likes to dress up like Prince Eric?

28 minutes ago, Portside said:

I tried to read the article. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old but what a load of pretentious crap. And again, falls into the trap of suggesting all dating folks act a certain way.  I hope most folks don't act/feel the way the author describes.

 I tried also. Like, OMG, WTF, SMH

39 minutes ago, calimom said:

In no way would being less than transparent with someone who's just lost their father would be OK. Others have different viewpoints.

Heres the another viewpoint: kids (depending on their ages, of course) aren’t equipped to deal with their widowed parents’ dating lives. They don’t necessarily need to know, and it’s perfectly okay for you to be non-transparent about what you do on your own time.

5 hours ago, sudnlysngl said:

I've been asking myself why some of you are settling with some of these men you are with? I understand when they are going through something, but come on ladies, really? Letting them walk all over you like you and your feelings don't matter????? REALLY????

 

Have you considered that your less-than-optimal post-loss experience (which you have documented many times here) may be coloring your opinions on this topic?

lol

57 minutes ago, StillWidowed said:

Thanks for your replies and insight.  To clarify, am I forever changed?  Yes. But not in a hopeless, tragic way.   Those early days and even years of vulnerability, uncertainty and fear are gone, therefore I do feel like my old self in those regards.  My sense of humor (as warped and politically incorrect as it can be at times) has returned.  Joy has returned.  My life is full and I'm excited for the future.  I'm not in a relationship....not even dating at the moment, but there is a calm and security I didn't have in those early years that has also returned.  Can I do this life on my own?  You betcha.  Would I rather do it with a man that I love and is my best friend?  Of course.  I hope that's in my future.  But for now I will live my life fully and enjoy the fact that grief no longer has me by the short hairs.  In fact, it's looking more and more like a distant memory.  And I hope that gives encouragement and hope to those reading this that are newly widowed. 

What a hopeful message that is! I've seen widows and widowers who seem to want to cling to their grief almost as if it's their only link to their lost loved one. I'm not criticizing them, as we all have different needs, but I've never been interested in taking that approach. From early on my goal was to break through the tough times, and that impatience probably stalled my healing a little, but I've never wanted to hold onto my grief like a talisman. We were put on this earth to live!

Any particular reason why we can’t edit a post after the magic 30 minute mark?

Miz, you've captured my wife's feelings almost to a T. I don't get it, but I also see it as valid. It drives her nuts to see the 'statues' of my first wife around town (NOTE: a couple small plaques and our family pic on her headstone, but she likes to exaggerate ) and she can get downright surly when people gush too much about what a great person she was.

I'm hoping it lessens with time...