serpico

Is your ex-husband still married?

Who cares who society and your church think?

I can think of plenty of people who care what their church thinks. It's certainly a fair consideration.

I saw this movie over the weekend with my wife and we loved it.  It has a very, um, theological bent, I guess you would say, but the overarching theme is of forgiveness.  I know this movie won't be for everyone but I would like to get the thoughts of those that have seen it...

I have not yet read the blog, but I am curious as to what your current struggles stemming from widowhood are. And did your new bride have similar feelings when you were dating?

To be clear, I am not the one struggling.  I loved my first wife but I have let her go and have given myself 100% to my new wife.  My wife, though, struggles because a) she lives in what was 'our' house, surrounded by memories of 'our' life, b) she lives in 'our' town, where everyone not only knows each other, but also knows the history of my first wife and I.  Her name gets brought up often, usually when memories are talked about, and while it doesn't bother me I know it bothers my new wife.  She feels like it'll never be just her and me, but her, me, and my former wife.

There are more struggles, but those mainly have to do with her and her kids having to uproot their lives to join my kids and me.  I've given her wide latitude to remake the house, make sure pictures of my first wife are kept only in my kids' rooms, and do anything she needs to in order to make 'my' house 'our' house.  But still, her friends are still all in a small city a half hour away, her daughter goes to the school in my town (which doesn't offer soccer, her main sport  :-\), and her son lives with his father during the week since he's close to graduation and didn't want to switch schools.

So yeah, there are a ton of adjustments we're working through.  It's definitely not easy but we are convinced it will be for the best in the long term.  It'll especially help when some kids start leaving the nest 

Oops, edited to add: she didn't realize it would be nearly this difficult when we were engaged.  I think actually making the move and realizing how much my first wife's memory is inextricably intertwined in our lives has been much more difficult than she first though.

...at least, according to my new wife, and I can't disagree  She has turned to the Interwebz for comfort and found a blog she really likes called Jess Plus the Mess.  Jess is a widow who married a widower, so it's not exactly like my situation (my wife is divorced and her ex is still very much alive), but it's close enough for my wife to take some comfort.

Here is one of the first posts she showed me:  http://jessplusthemess.com/index.php/my-blog-old/entry/what-not-to-say-to-a-woman-married-to-a-former-widower

When we married, my wife and her kids gave up their home, school, (small) city, and many friends to come live in the country with me and my three kids, so I try to be sensitive to her about all of the changes.  I figure if she can find some solace with others who have faced the challenge of marrying a widower, I'm all for it.

Does anyone else deal with the struggles a new spouse (or significant other) has with our widow status?

I love my wife - so what is wrong with me? She has actually taken my mind off grieving for my wife. Is this normal?

This is completely normal - who doesn't want a respite from grief?  I'm with portside, though, in that I think it is far too early to be going down this path and it could further complicate your grief.  Take the advice of the woman you are after - slow down, for her sake and for yours.

I wouldn't say you're being overly sensitive, as I know it is difficult to hear criticism on your parenting methods from anyone, much less a 15-year old.

But I also won't go so far as to tell you not to let anyone 'tell you otherwise'.  Maybe your son does need to do more around the house - without knowing the specifics I have no idea.  Maybe there is a kernel of truth to what your boyfriend is saying, and maybe he's way off base - none of us here really know.  My point is that we aren't always right 100% of the time, and I don't think it hurts to consider different points of view, even on something as intensely personal as parenting.

I live in a small community so everyone knows my kids' situations, but even if you don't, couldn't it be possible that the coach knows your son's Dad passed away?  Kids talk and coaches talk - I bet he already knows.

Technically you may not owe an explanation, but if you're going to have a relationship with her going forward you should probably provide one.  Take the high road and be kind but also be firm.  That's really all you can do.

He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure.

Wow.  The fact that you're still going 'over it and over it' tells me this could be impossible to let go of.  And yeah, I agree with you about it being a reflection of his moral boundaries.

As carefully as they worded the description I still see this meetup ending up being Perv Central 

I'm of a different mind regarding the accident pictures in that I needed to see them. My wife died instantly in a car wreck, and I found out when I drove up to the scene while I was out looking for her.  I wasn't close enough to actually see her, though we were fortunate to be able to have an open casket funeral so the kids and I could say our goodbyes face to face.

My wife blew through a stop sign at full speed for no apparent reason and collided with a semi trailer.  She wasn't on her phone, though she did talk to a friend a few minutes before the accident, so we don't believe she fell asleep.  The not knowing how and why it happened really bothered me, so when I finally requested the police report four months later and I found out that pictures were taken I just felt that I had to see them.

I didn't do it until around the seven month mark, and I brought along a friend who coincidentally lost a son in a similar way.  I do not regret seeing the pictures one bit, and since they gave me copies I have been able to share them with her family as well (after they decided they wanted to see them).  I still don't know why the accident happened, but I do feel better knowing that I've seen every piece of information related to that horrible day. Heck, I even spent an hour in her car a few weeks after she died, if only to take everything in.  I can't explain why I did it, but I knew I had to.

i will echo what others have said and suggest waiting before making the decision because I'm not sure how 'ready' one can be just a few weeks after the accident.  it sounds like you're still torn as to whether or not to view the pictures, and I can only speak for myself but I waited until I was 100% sure it was something I wanted to do.

I wish you the best in this decision and for you and your little girl. I'll be praying for you.

I'm not sure how a person knows. I thought I was ready when I started to date, but in retrospect I wasn't, and I made some mistakes. I then picked my bruised ego off the ground, did some hard thinking, and eventually got back out there.

I say if you think you may be ready why not give it a shot?  You may get (figuratively) bruised a little, but I'm sure you've got the strength to recover and give it another go.

My kids were 13, 10, and 6 when their Mom was killed in a car accident. My older two (boys) didn't want to go to a counselor. I made them go once and was told they were processing well and didn't 'have' to come back if they didn't want to, so they didn't. My youngest (a girl) enjoyed going, likely because the counselor was a woman who played games with her. She went five or six times but I stopped it because things were going well and it seemed like 'play time' rather than therapy.

If I had to do it all over again I would have insisted on longer visits for all of them. I had the 'we can handle this' mentality, even though I saw a counselor for several months.  The kids are doing well three and a half years later but once in awhile I see things that make me think there are some unresolved issues that should have been addressed earlier.  I can't go back, obviously, but seeing your post made me think of how I would have done things differently.

I'm willing to call it quits and move on if that's what he wants, but he doesn't want that either. I guess he's happy with how things are, but I don't know if I can be anymore without expectations.

Sounds like he's getting cold feet for some reason.  I bolded the one section because I think it's important to how you proceed.  Do you really want to give him the power to decide when it seems like he's more of an inertia kind of guy?  I'm not sure an ultimatum is in order, but... well, maybe it is.  You've got the leverage in knowing you would be okay on your own and you know where you want this to go.  Maybe it's time that you forced the issue?

I don't want to feel so horrible three years out ... as this woman appears to. Am I doomed to that?

No, you are definitely not 'doomed to that'.  Some of us started feeling much better more quickly than others.  There are probably a million factors involved, but I hope you don't resign yourself to her fate.

I'm really happy to hear this.  I would never tell someone in your shoes that you NEED to forgive, but from an outsider's perspective all I can see are positives coming from this.  Good for you!

He made sure to tell me that women approached him on a regular basis, and he had not problem finding p&%@y.

Well, at least he made it easy for you to put him in the loser category.  What a maroon.

That being said, time is different now.  My parents didn't have all these on going bills extra we have.

I'm not sure times have really changed that much with regard to essential bills.  It's just that now a lot more things are considered essential.

Yes, I dated someone with the same name as my late wife.  It caused zero problems, with me, with her, or with my kids.

Listen to Portside: he's an ass!

Not the first time I've seen phrasing like this, though the punctuation may have been different...  ;D

I don't understand why this is gendered.

I'm not sure this can be answered, but it often seems to be the case. I guess for the same reason why the man typically asks the woman to marry him.  Not sure why it is, but it is.

Of course, no one has to accept these gender roles, but I don't think denying that they exist (not that I'm saying you're doing that) would be very helpful.

I don't know that it "helps" to know others feel the same way,  but it's good to know I'm not crazy for not wanting to go on. I'm so sick of people telling me I have so much to live fo. NO I DO NOT. I have no reason to go on.  None. Zero. My reason for living is gone.

This is distressing to hear, and I hope you can understand the love that comes from those people telling you how much you have to live for.  Please know that many people believe this, even if you can't see it right now.

I'm not sure it's accurate to say you'll never stop hurting.  In my case the hurt did go away over time.  I'd just hate for you to believe that you'll always hurt when that may not be the case.

Respectfully, no.

A guidance counselor is not a grief counselor.

Clearly, but who in this situation is?  The guidance counselor likely talked to the child's family and is simply carrying out their wishes.