Julester3

My husband was Jewish. When that candle goes out, it just reinforces and reminds us how final everything is. It is upsetting. All you can do is give yourself time to mourn this representation and then look for something else to help you cope, hopefully nothing as symbolically final as a burnt out candle. Hugs!

You do not get over grief, around it, through it, under it  . . . you learn to carry your loved one's water, as you each did for one another when they were alive.  The weight never changes only your strength to carry it does.

That is so true and you put it so eloquently.

Thanks for the perspective and idea. I have 2 teenaged daughters who might marry someday. That would be a lovely tribute to them.

Unless your late spouse left exact, specific instructions on how to divvy up items, it's honestly all yours to decide how to deal with. Your SIL sounds manipulative and a piece of work. If you want the microscope, you have every right to keep it. It doesn't matter how much time transpires, it's all a matter of what you are comfortable with. Hugs!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I think I missed the help setting up and his mischevious self looking for ways to sample food ahead of time before people came over. My husband loved when we had Thanksgiving with my family so he could stuff himself with Filipino food for a change even though we still have turkey and such.

We did pretty good because it has been over 10 years since I've hosted the holiday. It was a change from our usual. It's hard already since my dad died on Thanksgiving day and then my mother a few days before but 5 years later. 

What I struggle with is putting myself and my kids needs first now. In the past, we put family first so we'd accommodate everyone first and fit our needs in between as best we can. Because this is our first holiday without Josh, without apology I've stated our needs. Go ahead and have your Christmas and Hanukkah but we need to learn to survive this and if avoidance is what we need, we will do that. If doing something completely contrary to than we've ever done, that is what we will do. They have to respect our wishes.

Just some perspective for you. Your family should not force expectations on you. Hugs for today - I feel your frustration.

Hugs to you today. I agree you can be the rock for your kids as much as they can be for you. You can do this.

Holy moses! My 17 year old is in charge when I need to go out and get a breather and I may go overnight someplace, usually just nearby to scrapbook really. I can easily get back home in a pinch and they have phone access to me all night long. The kids are secure and safe and smart! I hate this older generation over ours who think our kids cannot possibly be self sufficient and responsible. I am so mad at them for judging you. Yes, I recommend stepping back from them and taking a break. I too have a difficult MIL and step-FIL to deal with so I know how it can be trying at times. Hold fast!

I see nothing wrong with what you have been doing, honestly. It sounds like you have found things that are helping you personally and you are embracing it. What anyone else thinks doesn't count - what you think does. Hugs!

Your circumstances are very sad. I'm sorry you are a victim of a serious rage crime and it had such a tragic result. It never ceases to amaze me how much hate can be out there sometimes. You have so much going on just having had a baby and having an older child as well. Please take it easy and give yourself time while you recover. Hugs for you this weekend!

Just sending a hug. These hard days just sneak up without an invitation.

Justin hit is so exactly right. For me, it's Thursday, today. I can tell you it's been exactly 7 months and a week. I no longer track the days nor the weeks so much but I know the months. I will say the more time passes, the blow softens. It's not so raw anymore. The sadness is always near the surface. Patience and taking your own pace is key.

Hugs!

You need to take a break and cut yourself some slack. A lot has happened in an incredible short amount of time. So of course now that you have a breather, it will hit you hard because you have just enough of a moment to process what just happened to you.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to join us here but we are all living this experience of losing our partners and trying to survive. I know this group has given me some sanity that I'm not crazy, not unreasonable and that validates a lot of the decisions I need to make for me and my girls.

Hugs for you. Stay hydrated and take small steps. Don't let the anxiety make you sick.

I have a journal I started on my laptop. I write as I need to and usually it's just to work things out in my head and I pretend I'm talking to my husband.

I totally get that going out anxiety. When I went out I felt an immense feeling of being incomplete as if that changed my outward appearance somehow. I was no longer comfortable being out in public especially in town. I admit I would send one of my sisters out for me the first week. I just couldn't go out and face my neighbors or chance running into an acquaintance. I was so uncomfortable and I couldn't explain the circumstances over and over. It was painful having to repeat myself to everyone. I just don't like being the center of attention even when I was PTA president or whatever. I just sucked it up and did what I had to so I could get it done and over with. Now when I go out, I work hard not to make eye contact to avoid stopping for small talk.

Eating is the easy part .. however, tasting the food is another matter. For me, it's like there is no flavor anymore. But, I recognize I need to eat and I do.

That sounds like you have an understanding. That's good. It's a solid foundation to work on.

Hugs to you. An accident is an accident. It doesn't change the grieving process. I'm glad you have such great support.

Give yourself time to process and heal. I can't say it enough, there is no race, no deadline. Breathe and take it a day at a time, an hour at a time. I lost my husband suddenly. He went to tennis after dinner and never came home. He was my soulmate and though I know I buried a bit of myself with him, our kids keep me going. You don't have to make any long term plans or even know what you want out of life anymore but finding a worthwhile goal can help.

Hugs to you. I met my husband for the first time in 7th grade. We were 13. He was always waiting for me to see him as more than a friend. It took going away to college for us. I know how it's like to have your life weaved so closely with someone.

Hugs. It sounds like she is having a hard time coping and accepting still. Defiance is the only thing she can control in your situation. She can't control the loss of her dad. She can't control her anger and sadness. It is hard for our children and I hear so many stories like this at our monthly groups. In the end, we are all weary and drained, trying to keep our own shredded morale and our children's spirits up as best as we can.

Hugs for you to find a common ground. I don't particularly get along with my eldest daughter but we make it work and only by the grace that she's a teenager and has better reasoning than younger child. However, she's still a teenager and prone to quick fits of defiance and anger. The good news, she gets over it quickly, feels guilty because she knows it just adds to our stress. I too sometimes really can't believe how much I'm doing here and it's freaking tiring. We were successful parents and we were a team. Taking on the weight of the team totally sucks but we have to.

There is something special about photos. They show our loved ones in the flesh and within a moment of time. Helps us remember they were real and no figment of our imagination. Thanks for sharing.

Only photo I have on a hosted site! A Cubs fan in NYC at the M&M store in Times Square.

Disco Blue M&M with Josh by Julie, on Flickr

Hugs. Anniversaries are hard.

Oh man, Frank. That is devastating. Nothing you can do or control in that situation but see if medical science can do what they are meant to do. I hear you on looking for younger widows and widowers for support. When I talk to those much older than myself and they try to relate their circumstance to mine, I find myself becoming somewhat  bitter. They had more time together with their spouse than I did, got to retire and have more time together, see their kids graduate or even get married or have grandkids, etc. I bitterly feel they can't possibly have the same amount of pain because they got to live and experience more years than I did. It feels and sounds petty in reflection to feel this way but in contrast as a result, we have to live much longer without the one we love and had expected to live a lot more years with than what we got. It's hard to be grateful for the time we've had when we were planning for forever and didn't make it there.

Hugs to you today.

I completely understand the attachment to a specific place. I am grateful it happened to us before my husband died. We got attached to Walter Payton's restaurant and brewery. My husband was a huge Chicago Bears fan (as well as a Cubs fan). They had awesome food and the microbrew was excellent. We got married there, had our anniversary dinners there, had family gatherings there. We found out that the family sold it off a few years ago and a new brewery took it over. We tried to give the place a fair run but it just was not the same even if it were the same location. That was 4 years ago so we ended up just going to random restaurants for our anniversary every year since then.

I am sorry you had to find out so suddenly like that. It was sure to be a mental shock to try to absorb in real time though. Hugs!

Hugs Pam, I know the feeling all too well. Try to have a good day today.

I didn't buy a body pillow but I added an insane amount of pillows on the bed. I also sleep on his side of the bed so I don't get panic attacks when my arm goes to his side and I find it empty. Just trying to protect my sub-conscience from sabotaging my calm state when I am sleeping.

Sorry you have to join us here, Laura. It's good you have control over the financial stuff. I'd say you have to work on you and how you are feeling. I know how it's like with OCD. I have it as well but be sure to be gentle with yourself and cut yourself some slack - don't be afraid to let something go if you just don't have the energy or the heart to do it. Don't discount your dog. Some pets are so smart and intuitive...they will help you with comfort and they still love you unconditionally (even my evil cats started showing unusual comforting behaviors - it was surreal).

Hugs to you tonight.