Julester3

Kids say my TV choices are boring. They are watching shows together on-demand on the cable in the basement rec room while I sit my bedroom watching MTV live in my pajamas. Just how I like concerts, in the comfort of my own home!

It was a boring day. I just did stuff around the house, washed bedsheets, re-made the beds, finished a scrapbook project, and went to a short 1 hour french horn recital so my eldest kid can write a paper on it for band. It's a normal Saturday where we had no obligations really. If DH were here, we probably would have gone out for the night to see Dr. Strange or I'd be doing the same thing and he'd have gone out for a game night with his friends.

I tell people to make an appointment at social security. I waited just 5 minutes for my turn when I went. I don't think I could have sat there for an hour.

I got $200 only and was told I can't collect any widows benefits because I am working. I have to wait another 19 years and stay single in order to find out if I can collect any widows benefits.

I think you can still function and still feel broken. I feel broken still but I can function and find causes to justify doing something. I have a lot of love to give and I know what drew my husband to me. I could potentially make someone else feel loved with what I have to offer but I feel too broken to give what I have to anyone out of my inner sphere. I never intended to have to contemplate giving any love to anyone but my husband, children, family and friends. The unbearable hurt can overwhelm you but not thinking of the big picture of life and focusing just on the small snapshot of just yourself and your immediate surroundings can be enough to get by.

Hugs for you today. There is no race to be run. Be easy on yourself and make tiny goals. I can be proud of myself if I can get dressed for the day and simply leave the house for anything versus staying in my yoga pants and never going out.

I had to do my own as well. The advantage is that you have control over it and can watch it more directly. I put updates periodically there on how we are doing. All the time I do updates, someone donates. I have been finding that when I help other people randomly (sewing help or whatever) and won't accept anything, they find the donation page and give that way. I put this money on the kids' college funds. We maxed out contributions for the year so I will donate again in January.

Also, you can decide to make it more public or private. Mine is private so you can't find it if you search for it directly. You need the link. Also putting the link in your Facebook can help reach more people too.

See and now we're tied and wine takes all in game 7!

It's okay for your kids to see your pain. I try not to cry too often but when I do I let them know why. They are interested in what triggers me off and it helps them understand how much I truly loved their father.

So sorry you had to join us here. I too often wonder why I was given this situation but I know it's the best outcome for the kids so they can grow, overcome the grief, and succeed. When I think if the roles were reversed, I can't fathom how my husband could pull through it. He was our foundation but I am the mortar that keeps the house together. I am not sure he could have accomplished half of what was asked of me because I was the crazy wife who did most everything for him and the kids. Though he is gone, he remains our foundation because I can keep us all together. Hope some of this perspective helps.

What a sticky situation she put you in with that friend. So sorry you have to join us here. Yes, the hospital will bill you, the doctors who treated her will bill you, the ambulance will find you too if you had to use them and will bill you too. It never ceases to amaze me. Did you guys have health insurance? That should help some hopefully.

You are coming to an end of the year of firsts. I hated getting past our wedding anniversary. It hurt so bad. Hugs for you this week as you get through and re-live it.

I recently found one of his t-shirts in the hamper. It was buried in the folds of a laundry bag and I must have missed it. It still had his scent on it. I folded it up again in the bag. I will never wash it.

That was one of the first things I did. I went through the hamper and chose 4 shirts and put them in ziplock bags to preserve his scent. I don't need them as much now as I did the first few days. It was how I coped when the police wouldn't let me touch him. Now I am content on wearing a shirt or hoodie of his now and then.

I think it depends as well. My girls were in middle school and high school when my husband passed. The middle school asked permission if they could disclose the information and I let them. They made cards for for my daughter and together as a homeroom class, they made her a no-sew fleece blanket because it would be like a hug from them when she would need it. The high school was a little different and left it up to my daughter to disclose or not though all her teachers were notified. I would guess the family is withholding permission to disclose the information so knowing your kid's experience, that is why they said what they did. I think reaching out on your own may be a better solution regardless how the school decides to handle it.

I hear you on touch and skin. I am almost obsessed with it because I don't want to forget the feeling. I was upset the day my husband died. I wasn't allowed to touch him since he had to go to the medical examiner. I was devastated but I understood the protocol. I could no longer touch or caress him and I knew once I saw him at the visitation that he was going to be altered and would no longer be able to associate with the feeling I had when I touched him when he was alive. It's weird and surreal trying to explain it.

Hugs today.

This resonates for me. The kids asked me about this and I simply said your father broke me. My standards are too high and I can't selfishly expect someone to live to this standard. It's not fair but I can't settle for any less. No man in his right mind would want a women like me who is going to be forever tied to her dead husband. I already bought the plot next to him and bought a double plaque to accommodate us both. My side is blank.

If fate throws such a man in my way, I'll deal with it then but I am not looking and not actively trying to either. I am content with keeping busy and my hobbies make me happy.

My husband who was a die hard Cubs fan is influencing them to win! Sorry Cleveland!

Absolutely you are going to feel cheated and then angry on why this is happening to you. The sad because of all the milestones the kids will have without him there to experience it with them. But the important thing to remember is you can't let that eat at you. You can't control accidents. They happen.

We are here for you! Weekend hugs!

I seem to be okay with it. It comes up a lot and randomly. I suppose by talking about him with people, it makes him seem still present in a way.

It would have been better for the teacher to contact you directly to get an idea what's the disconnect for your student rather than write that note to the student. It can kill the kid's motivation and morale for school. Both my girls are ADHD with LD (each has a different LD), my older daughter also had dysgraphia. Most American schools won't give you an accommodation for ADHD alone unless it is affecting their learning and grades in some way. Then you only get an accommodation for additional time to complete assignments and sometimes a change of environment for taking tests to minimize distractions.

I hate how people think these kids can control their ADHD. It's a neurological chemical imbalance. They can't control that and no extreme food diet will cure it either. Can you tell this is a touchy subject for me? Lol!

I'm sorry that you have to experience this. Hugs! Oh my that is a tough situation for him to pass away like that and far from home.

Just know that we are here for you too.

Never posted here either. NW Chicago suburbs.

I am glad you had a positive resolution. I think your plan is sound. It's hard working with home values because of the fluctuations of real estate and areas where one chooses to live. I know right now my home is worth a lot less than what we paid for it so I am going to stick with it and see what happens.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you! Those evil "what if's" can eat at you. Don't let them or try not to think on them. It's what gives them power over your conscience. I know I can easily torture myself with "what if's" if I'd let them. What could I have done to make sure my husband didn't have his heart attack? I won't lie - it's very hard to keep them at bay. I think the trick is that you have to make your heart understand and accept that you couldn't control the situation. I'm always having my brain and my heart battle it out. You already had the difficult issue that your husband had flares. I think it'd make it pretty hard to distinguish the level is could be or become. I believe you too did what could have done and now we live with the aftermath as miserable and sucky as it is. I am glad you were able to unload here and I hope it helped.

I asked many specific questions when I went to the SS office. I was told that you get SS benefits until the child GRADUATES high school. If your child turns 18 before they graduate, you have to fill out additional paperwork including some documents from the high school showing they are still registered and their scheduled date of graduation. You would still get the same amount on your younger children until they too graduate from high school. In my case since I do work, I got a tiny amount allotted to me only. Most of the monies my husband contributed to SS are for the kids. Right now each of my kids are receiving the same amount of benefit. So I know in 1 1/2 years, we will lose my eldest's contribution when she graduates so I need to budget with half the contribution. Any remainder not used by them will be held until I retire and I believe if I remain unmarried.

That is weird. Your stepson and MIL are still components of your life. I think it's ridiculous that this supposedly means you are stuck in the past. Good for you for telling NG like it is. He needs some serious perspective.

Sorry for your loss. It's good you know someone and have access to them to talk to in real life. Virtual life is great in that we have another way to access support especially if we don't want to do it in person but after I had done some group counseling, I found it was beneficial to have a real person/people who went through the same thing to talk to and give you emotional and perspective feedback right then. It can be powerful, inspiring, hopeful and helpful.

I also still have issues with the perception of the passing of time. It feels to me as it's not moving as it always has been but I know it is because looking at the calendar and watching us flip from month to month. I understand it really is just me. 

Hugs for the weekend.

When I experienced a bit of low self esteem in college, a good friend once told me, dress a little better, put a little effort in a touch of makeup and it'll improve how you may be feeling at the time. It does work to a point and nothing feels better than a compliment. Just accept it as a compliment. 😊

You seem like many of us, private and quiet grievers. I don't feel the need to share to anyone because I know they don't understand and they cannot put my shoes on and experience what I have. I don't want to have to try to explain how I feel. I don't wish it on them so I pretty much keep it to myself and only confide in a very small few people and not even all that often. I miss my life desperately. We have been fortunate to have to not make all that many changes but there is such a empty void. My husband was a relatively quiet guy but he had presence. He was a homebody and we are homebodies too and that presence is missing in our home too just as I am sure it is missing in all our homes.

Hugs to you!