Julester3

Totally agree with Leadfeather on this. Why take on anything you don’t want to? I know I am capable of mowing but I don’t want to mow. There are no rules just what works for you and we are all different. I know I’m staying in my house until my youngest graduates and then I have to downsize. Our house is too expensive for up keep in the long term. It’s fine for now. Stick to your gut instinct here. It’s far better than outside advice people love to give! 

Tybec- You made much effort, you were flexible, and you were understanding. You did so much more and you can’t wait for him. You tried but his situation is just dragging out and kudos for recognizing that you found your limit. Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as his situation made it for you. Hugs and strength! Chalk it up as a learning experience. That’s what I do with almost everything I experience now and move on. 

Hugs Maureen!

That is tough to be strong and sit in that hospital and not have an anxiety attack! Hugs! 

You are not nuts. I think we all have harder times making giant future plans after having to be forced to regroup, bury our previous dreams with our partners, and salvaging what is still possible. I know I do! My youngest also has 3 more years of high school and I will wait until then because it is something I’m firm on. I have kicked around some scenarios but I can’t make that move until later. I can be patient. NG says he can be too but he has younger kids than mine. 

Bubu27 I sort of think you put yourself in an unresolvable loop. You say the only way to feel better is to have your husband back but that is impossible. He isn’t coming back. I’m over 3 years into this and I understand and accept my LH is never coming back. It will never be fair and it will always suck. My girls will have to live without their dad. I spent more than half my life with that man growing up with him and spending most of my adult life attached to him. I didn’t know how I was going to survive but I truly know he would never ask me to kill myself to be with him and he would want me to live my best life here on earth that I can manage. I do the best I am capable of and I choose to do just that. I’m sorry your journey is harsh but by setting yourself to always be unresolved with no possible solution is setting yourself up for failure. 

My girls were older when their dad died but we have some ladies in our grief group who lost their husbands when their kids were very young. They will forget but all you can do is remind them, have photos of him, have the other kids share stories, and show any videos or clips of him you may have. It won’t be their actual memories but it can help them know his spirit as a person, his essence so to say. Our hearts break when we see little kids with lost parents at group. There was too little time to build lasting memories. Hugs! 

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes great courage to relive the events so you can tell us what happened. I am sorry Maria’s body couldn’t keep up her spirit and her will. It’s only been about a month for you so it is a lot to process. Be kind to yourself, except help when offered, and remember grief is no race. You work at your own time and pace. Hugs for you today. Sorry you have to join us here. 

Yes it will. In the beginning and early days, it is unfathomable. But as time goes by, you learn more about yourself and your relationships with your kids get stronger, you can understand yourself and your needs better than before and things will be okay.

I once used this somewhere here but grief is like music. Life is the music. It was once so beautiful, grand, clear, and emotional but now it’s a bit distorted, muffled yet distinguishable. The point is you can still hear the music, acknowledge it, and recognize it. It may not be as matical or wonderful it once was but you CAN still hear it, choose to hear it. You are not cut off from life and thus you remember that you are capable and have the capacity. Be kind to yourself. It’s not a race to feel what is prescribed or perceived to be normal and good but to get to the point where you have peace and you can embrace this life no matter the challenges we have been given. Hugs to you today. 

Lonely day here too. NG’s ex was out of town all week for a convention or something so he’s been with his kids since last Sunday and he also had some family obligations. So it’s been well over a week since I have seen him though we talk daily. I had friends over last night and we had lunch with my brother and his family since his daughter had 8th grade promotion this weekend. 

I had some friends over for dinner and crafts. Very low key day! 

It’s funny you say that. I found I liked older men for a similar reason. Many wanted the hope of having kids someday and that door is closed for me already so I was drawn to men older than me who didn’t want children however not too much older because then it became an issue of interest where they didn’t understand me or relate well to me. As for height, I just need the guy to be taller than me and at 5’5” that’s easy. 😅 

Good luck! Age is but a number after a certain point so I see no issue with the ladies you are drawn to. In the end, it’s about compatibility. 

That is hard but you have to learn to cut yourself some slack. You were living your life like a regular day. Did you really have that much control of the situation? If it played out differently, would it have made that much of an impact? You can’t beat yourself up for what ifs. 

Trying to process this is hard and acceptance of it even tougher but necessary to move forward. You never have to like it but you have to move forward. 

You get through this one second at a time, then one minute at a time, one hour, one day, one week, and so on. Cut yourself some slack and work on your own time table. No one can tell you how or how long. It’s different for everyone. My kids saved me because I had to be strong for them and like Laurie I keep myself so busy I don’t have time to ruminate and let the sadness consume me. Just be kind to yourself and do what feels right. One day you can feel again and find a smile and laugh a little. It seems impossible but it’s attainable. Hugs! 

I’m far from co-dependent. I was always quite independent but I do like the collaborative efforts you have with a good partner and the sharing of burdens and having someone to bounce thoughts off of. I don’t require all the collaborative efforts but I miss them. My LH and I were very in sync so we could intuitively help one another when needed regardless if it was said aloud or not. I know that takes years to  achieve so I’m not expecting that level. I do get a good listener with NG and I won’t let him fix things for me. I feel I need to do it because I know he can’t be around all the time. I need to self sufficient always. He’s caring and touched base with me all the time. He is invested in our relationship. 

Congrats! You deserve happiness.

2 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

I have a girlfriend that is in a relationship and it's the same thing for her.  She has her life and he has his.  When they do get together, it's for dinner and a roll in the hay.  Am I missing something here?  Is this what dating and/or relationships are like now at mid life?  Clearly, I'm not doing either (dating or a relationship) and I think this is why.  I want a man that will be a part of my life.  Everyday in everyway.   I know it's possible.  I mean I was married once before.   I had a relationship that was part time in the past.  Never again.  I felt taken advantage of and used.  A guy's either got both feet in, or both of mine are out. 

I have to admit this is what my relationship is like but it’s what works now. We both have our own kids and we both agreed they come first. We live 35-40 minutes away from one another and neither of us want to uproot at this time and figure it out. We have identified and admitted that we would love a more integrated life but it’s just easier to do this for now. Once I have my girls squared away, I can be more flexible. That will be in a few years since they are teens. NG has a longer way to go with a 4th grader and 7th grader. I also know he’d have to go to court to amend the joint custody agreement if we were to co-habitate. So This just works. 

I will say this as being an only parent:  I often feel like I am inadequate all the time and that I’m not good enough. Yet, when I sat and talked with my kids, I realized it’s because I can’t accept my own limitations. I have to work on myself as much as I need to help my kids. I need to back off when it’s my issue not theirs. I have to apologize for my own shortcomings and learn to be flexible. It’s better to be brutally honest and be a team than I be a grand dictator and we are all miserable. It’s a matter of finding balance and compromise so we can all have space, our own niches of privacy, and be generally happy.

In another conversation with my kids, we sat and talked about pros and cons. What would it be like if it were reversed? Would dad be able to accomplish all that I did? Would he have been able to support the girls and help them through? It helped us a lot to gain perspective and to be more appreciative of what we have and what we have accomplished.

Respect can be found if you can have it the needed conversations with them and come to a realization together. It seems impossible but you can keep trying and solve one issue at a time. IN our house being all women sometimes we have to diffuse the tension and blame all the female hormones clashing, roll our eyes, and laugh it off. Good luck. Keep trying to talk, keep looking for therapists who can be a good fit. Hugs for you today. 

....and it was honestly okay. That heavy heart feeling I’ve had the last few years didn’t happen and the tears? They didn’t occur. It was peaceful, the day was warm and sunny. His Cubbies are doing well and the girls and I are stronger and less angry/sad. 

When I got my memorial tattoo 3 months after my LH passed, the surreal feeling subsided greatly for me. I needed something to bring me into the present and remind me that his passing wasn’t a dream or imagined - that it really happened. It helped align my perspective. 

How about trying to trick your brain by simply changing your perspective of your home? I rearranged the furniture, changed my bed sheets, and decided the different spots I would sit in the kitchen or various other rooms so I didn’t have to stare at the empty places my husband would have been sitting or lounging around. This really helped lessening my anxiety and sad feelings. Since I changed things around, my brain was confused because it knew I was at home but I changed the arrangement of things. It was such a small thing to do and make day to day functioning a little easier. Hugs to you. 

So when my eldest stopped receiving benefits, my younger kid’s amount stayed the same. They then paid me out a little bit to compensate for the rest of the year but honestly it wasn’t worth it. By the next year I was told to pay $5k back. That really hurt so I’ve been trying to catch up from that for the last year. It totally hurt our budget. 

58 minutes ago, Love2fish said:

Looking for ideas.  I've got about 200 scarves and about 25 lbs of bling.  The scarves are all different, from small kerchiefs to long diaphanous affairs.  The bling is all costume stuff.  I was thinking about creating a mosaic out of bling, maybe in a shadowbox frame, maybe sealed under epoxy, maybe as a frame around her photo.  Just ideas at this point.  The scarves I have no real idea how to use those but sewing them together would seem impossible.   Has anyone done anything with scarves and bling?

The bling I think would look lovely in a shadow box with her photo in it. The scarves you can still have stitched together and made into a decorative blanket. You can have the scarves made into fabric roses and add them to the bling in the shadow box. You can make the fabric roses and have a wreath made to hang on the wall as well. The problem with a creative mind like I have is that the possibilities are endless. 

I am so sorry you are joining us here. My late husband and I were married for 15 years, together for a total of 22 years. He was my HS sweetheart. It's been 3 years for me and his death anniversary just passed. As I reflect, I recall the surreal feeling and having a hard time determining what was real or not. I know I was numb and processing was so hard. I started journaling as if I were talking to him and it helped. I focused my energy on my children too. I made myself so busy with hobbies so I didn't have to feel and it would prevent me to get sad because I was concentrating on a task. Once I started crying it was hard to recover for me. Give yourself time, cut yourself slack, take help whenever offered, drink water, eat small meals, and remember that small tasks are great victories those first few weeks. If you got up or showered or left the house even just to get the mail? Those are victories. Hugs for you today. 

I ironically met NG’s ex at a funeral as well. I was polite and then I kept to myself as I was working the hospitality suite for NG’s family. NG’s grandmother had died. The ex brought her parents as well. I opted not to meet them however. 

I’ve run into her at NG’s house a few times as she’d be late picking the kids up. I may or may not acknowledge her because she’s there for the kids not me. I’m polite and chime in when asked. I’ve decided that my focus is NG not her. I’d like to have a better relationship with the kids as much as NG would allow me to. I totally try to sell how cool and generous that I can be but that’s my natural self anyways. I want to be an added positive bonus to their lives because I am in their dad’s life but not take over because they have a mom.