calimom

Dahlia, that is so beautiful.  What a wonderful tribute to your Scott, and his memory, and to your life together.

Great thread, and I've few of the books mentioned.  Olive Kitteridge" was made into a multi part mini series on HBO with a wonderful cast, very well done.  My book group recently read "Nora Webster", and everyone thought it was amazing.  Of course they were glad to have the perspective of the resident widow (moi).

A few more:

"Rosie", by Anne Lamott, with a sequel "Imperfect Birds".  I don't care for her non fiction, but her fiction is spot on.

A trilogy by Robb Foreman Dew -  "The Evidence Against Her"; "The Truth of the Matter"; "Being Polite to Hitler".  A widow in 1920s through 1950s Ohio.  I loved it.

"Shelter Me" by Juliette Fay.  I read this fairly early out, and while it might be in the 'chick lit' category, it hit home for me.  The protagonist was about the same age as me, had children the same ages and was widowed due to an accident.  I had an email exchange with the author and she was very kind. 

Most widow lit is likely written by non-widows, which makes sense.  If I were going to write a novel, it probably wouldn't be about a widow?lol.

Hi BillsKim:

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.  Financial stress is terrible.  Please don't blame yourself; it's not your fault.  Am I remembering correctly that you're in Modesto or someplace near there?  If so, I found a list of food pantries.  Hope someone can help, you and your son need to have food.  It's OK to ask for assistance when you need it.

Here you go.  Hope things ease up soon.

http://www.foodpantries.org/ci/ca-modesto

She was fortunate you were there today, Maureen.  Strange how the universe works sometimes.

Here's a virtual hug to you in hopes of good news on the health front.

xo

We should have a chat in a few years after you've attempted algebra! .  I've been so lame at that this school year that my son has to take summer school.  Rarely do I go into the unproductive, circular thinking that "Jeff should be here for this!  This was his job!" But sadly, I confess I did.  And my son will be stronger and better equipped for the next grade by doubling down over the summer.

We can't be breadwinners, CEOs of our households, chauffeurs, nurturers, cooks and every other task required of us without falling down on a few.  We have to cut ourselves some slack.  You're doing a great job with those girls.

And glad to hear of your lovely young teacher.  My son had a wonderful kindergarten teacher who I badly wanted for my younger daughter when she turned 5.  She wasn't assigned to that classroom, but I pulled the widow card.  Sue me.  Let's hear it for the good teachers out there.

I'll be thinking of you on July 19, Alexswife, as you know we share the same awful day.  It's natural you still miss Alex, at almost 8 years out I still think of Jeff and miss him every day.  It gets more manageable over time but never really goes away.  How can it?

Have you started your new job yet?  If so, how's it going?

Wish I could hug you for real, but know I hear your words and your pain.

I'm glad to hear your physical injuries are healing, SVS, and I have a pretty good idea of the emotional toll that going to court cost you.  The several times I had to appear for sentencing and for parole hearings for the man who killed my husband caused incredible stress and anxiety.  Here in California, the maximum sentence for fatality DUI is 10 years, and I aim to see he serves it all.  While I don't think of myself as a vindictive person (and I imagine you feel the same), people should be held accountable for their actions.

Glad to hear MADD has been helpful to you.  It's overall a good organization, I felt put off initially by the strident tone of our local chapter, but ultimate was helped by them and have participated in the Every 15 Minutes program a few times, and have appeared on panels of those convicted of DUI.  It can be cathartic as well as hopeful in the idea that some might be deterred from ever driving drunk.  Our laws in the US are arcane compared to other countries.  We have among the highest incidents and lowest punishments, it's a travesty.

Hopefully there will be civil recourse and fight your insurance company with every thing you've got.  You're a strong woman, I can tell by reading your words.  I was able to pull the UIM death benefit out of our coverage after a bit of a battle that went on for 9 months.  Pregnancy and delivery was easier!  But ultimately, they paid off, and truly, that's why we have insurance.

Best to you for continued healing for you and your family. 

xoxo

This week my eldest graduated from college.  A little back story:  when I met my husband, Jeff, he had a 7 year old he had shared custody of.  It quickly became clear to me that he was the primary parent which was daunting to me as at 24.  Right away I loved this child, even though I hadn't ever really thought of being a mom or having a family.  We spent a lot of time together, early on I discovered she loved art, so we went to museums together, watched silly movies, found our common ground.  Her biological mother became less and less a presence in her life.

Flash forward to Jeff's untimely death, I was faced with the decision to officially become the legal guardian of this sweet girl.  There was a bit of scuffle with the bio mom, but I had the full support of my family and Jeff's, and the judge ruled in my favor. At 14, my dear M dealt with all that and became the most dedicated high school student you've ever seen.  In her senior year, she applied for and received a very coveted scholarship at a prestigious  art school.  Each year she had to defend and prove her scholarship, which she did, and then some.  Every summer since high school, she worked at an internship at the museum in our small town.

So this past week, M graduated from this college.  My dear MIL flew out from the east coast to attend the event, and we took part in all the elements of that, we took a special bus all over the SF Bay Area to view art installations, see short films and take part in the actual commencement.  It was lovely, all of it. 

The part that was so challenging for me was seeing all the parents taking part in their kids' success.  Even at almost 8 years out, and being the veteran of preschool, elementary school, high school graduations, I felt?wistful witnessing all the proud parents.  Not hate, not envy, just wistful.  Of course we never know what anyone else goes through in life, but just missing Jeff during this milestone.  He'd be so proud of our big girl.  My MIL and I were invited to a celebratory dinner with the parents of M's roommate, it was great, and the parents were so kind and generous.  Still, those feelings of missing Jeff crept in.  When does this end?  My youngest is 8; will I still be going through this in 12 years when she graduates (I hope!) from college?  When do we just accept this and see things as they are.

So we're back home, my MIL and me.  She'll stay for a few weeks as the younger kids end their school year and we all celebrate our May/June birthdays.  M will be coming home for the summer - she still has her museum job and will fill in with working as a barista at a local coffee shop.  In the fall, there's a part time job waiting for her at the college she just graduated from, and she's secured a room in a shared household.  All good stuff, but I'm sad it's the last summer at "home".

First of all, Mizpah, happy birthday wishes to the big girl! 

Just wondering if you've ever seen this essay from Slate's Emily Yoffe:

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/05/my_husbands_other_wife.html

There's a great quote from it:  "All of us exist because of a series of tragedies and flukes."  Pretty true.  I love the generosity of spirit shown by her towards her husband's late first wife (and even admissions of slight jealousy), and the generosity shown by the late wife's parents toward the new baby, who at 8 feels she has two mothers.

Best wishes!

The ex-wife wants to have wild crazy monkey sex with him - he holds it up as a bargaining point to give you a ring so you will have sex with him. She holds the deed to their crappy house as a wild card.  He wants his half, which should have been decided upon during the divorce settlement.

The previous lady in his life has sex with him and is craze ~ a stalker!. 

He is innocent in all these lady-dealings.  A pure, pure man.

See a pattern, Mel?  The ladies are *crazy* and he is untouched, a victim of difficult  women.  He holds no responsibility  for his actions. 

If you're smart, you'll proceed with caution.  Best of luck to you and your children.

I think being a high profile person would add another element to grieving.  Everything you do would be in the spotlight.  Is she grieving "too fast", "too slow", show "enough emotion", "too much emotion", and on and on.  And when/if the person steps out socially, that will be under the microscope as well.

The article below, relating to this loss is actually pretty informative and well written:

http://www.sfgate.com/business/technology/article/Tech-exec-s-loss-raises-question-How-to-grieve-6248625.php

Wow!  Intricate and beautiful, thank you for sharing with us.

And by the way, there's a Led Zeppelin quote on my husband's memorial bench:  "There's a feeling a get when I look to the west".

Carry on, Joey, and peace to you.

Moving is so overwhelming, big hugs of support to you, Jess.  I moved at two months out, looking back, the whole experience was such a blur.  I unpacked boxes on the other end I didn't remember packing, and maybe I didn't?  I had help and it appeared they just tossed whatever they saw into a box.   

Congratulations on your new house, and you will get through this.  I promise.

You will be happier, or at least a little less unhappy, if you you try to get along with the other moms.  True, they might not live up to your standards, and true, they might not be the pro in the woods that you are, but at the end of they day, they are parents who care enough about their kids to volunteer for outdoor school and want their kids to have a wonderful experience. 

Do your sage, do your meditation, do your ashes,  just try to relax and have a good week.  Don't be so judge-y!  Have fun!  Enjoy your son and the woods and the education.  You might surprise yourself.

Seven years is a loooooong time to bear the weight of whatever guilt you're feeling, whether it's real or imagined.  Maybe it's time to cut yourself some slack and step out into the world a bit?  Forgiveness for yourself or for whatever party or parties is creating such turmoil might help in creating some healing.

I've made a number of big decisions in my widowed life:  the first one was moving at two months out.  I couldn't really afford our house; it made sense to move to a less expensive area and be near my relatives.  My family and friends micro managed every detail, which was good as I was in no clear space to even decide on what color to paint the walls.  7 years later, still in this house, which is not perfect, but does seem to suit our needs.

At 18 months, I made an impulsive decision to buy a business basically at the spur of the moment.  It felt right, for me, for the seller, for the clients, and for our family life.  No regrets.  About a year ago, I was faced with a a very appealing job offer.  I bounced it around, asked everyone close to me what they thought, and decided against it because of the time constraints.  The money would have been nice, but overall the whole thing wouldn't have worked.

Also last year, I took my ailing car  (the one my stepfather helped me buy to replace the one totaled in my husband's fatal crash: for another round of repairs.  At the shop, there was a gorgeous Volvo wagon on consignment.  I phoned the owner, it turned out she was a recent widow and didn't need the extra car.  I made the decision then and there to buy it, it felt right, she met me to sign the paperwork.  My family, who normally would have been consulted, were bemused but supportive.

I guess what I am saying, from my own experience, is that some decisions work and some don't.  Some need lots of research and some just need to be made head on, devil may care.  Start small, break down the pros and cons.  With exercise, there really isn't a downside.  Maybe pick something you'd like to do and just do it, like the old Nike ads used to say?  I swim usually 3 times a week, and take the kids and whoever else wants to join for a hike on Sunday mornings.  A few months ago, I wanted to get back into yoga, which I'd once practiced regularly, and signed up for (and paid in advance) for an 8 week course.  Once I'd committed, there didn't seem to be any reason not to go, and I felt better for it.

We all weave around and hem and haw, which is natural, but there are few decisions that can't be undone.  If you're dissatisfied with your current work, and want to return to school, that seems like a pretty positive goal.  Good for you, and good luck.  You can do this!

Nice to hear an update, SVS, and I'm sorry for your continuing pain and stress.  Kind of the last thing you needed, right?

It's understandable that driving is causing anxiety, and hopeful that will lessen as time goes by.  With any injury or physical stress, it's always a fine line between appropriate activity and too much activity.  There's just so much that needs doing on a daily basis.

You showed incredible fortitude in showing up for the hearing of the driver who caused all this mess.  What you said is now on record and I hope with everything I have that the DA and judge listen very carefully to the impact this has had on you and your family.  It's just unbelievable the amount of people who drink and drive, with such careless disregard of others.

Here's hoping things get better, I've been thinking of you.  ((hugs))

Understood. I have found holidays much more manageable by keeping them to me and my grown kids. I've eliminated the stressful (even when hubby was alive!) Christmas dinner with the in-laws or my family members. I have been called a 'b**tch' for no longer attending the in-law 1 day a year get-together and my extended family seemed to stop caring when I stopped caring.

 

You have to do what works for you. Your mother is playing a manipulation game by booking a place near year to ensure your agreement to attend. She then changed the venue to be closer to herself thinking that you would feel obligated to go anyway. Its baloney and you know it. My mother used to be the queen of bait and switch and loved being the aggressor yet somehow, when you stood up to it, you became the 'meanie'.

 

Its tough being the adult especially when we are hurt and broken but you must stand up for yourself since no one else is there being our support anymore. If you decide to be the bigger person, then be sure to set boundaries and do it in a way that works for you. Limit the time there, etc and be willing to turn around and walk out if the conditions for your dog, etc are broken when you arrive at the next family get-together. Show them that you are not their puppet.

 

And, if they cannot be trusted there is nothing wrong with telling them that you do not find them to be safe people to be around. Again, I'm sorry that you are being forced to be strong when all that is within you is overwhelmed and exhausted.

 

(((Hugs)))) and I wish you well, wh

atever you decide to do. <3

Missingsquish:Is your mother not doing what Munsen is doing?  Gathering her grown children about her for a religious/secular  holiday?  Guilt aside, she just wants a nice day, so sue her.  Maybe your mom is a big DGI, maybe she's a bitch, but would it kill ya to play along for a day?  After all, you're throwing out an item a day on another thread, so why not throw your mom a bone on Easter.  Play nice, be a good girl, OK?  Sometimes we need to be the adult in these situations. Don't let this get the best of you.

This is one of my favorite quotes.  From an Irish folk song, I think:

"There is a ship, and it sails the sea

It's loaded deep, as deep as can be.

But not as deep as the love I'm in:

I know not how I sink or swim."

Kind of sums it up for me!

I guess I'm confused as to what defines a "professional widow". 

Having read maybe a dozen widow autobiographies, I guess you could say since the authors more than likely profited from their books, it would make them professionals.  I recently read at the recommendation of a friend, Catherine Tidd's "Confessions of a Mediocre Widow; Or How I Lost My Husband and My Sanity".  For me, it was one of the best books on the topic I'd come across.  Of course it was very relatable to me in the my husband and the author's husband died the very same day, and also we were both the same age with the same number of children.  Ms. Tidd also hosts a web site that helps grieving widows, so I am guessing that qualifies her for professional status.

I also would probably never attend a Soaring Spirits event, but a lot of people get a lot out of it, so what do I know?  The "Stiletto" widow is probably not my cup of tea (or glass of Cosmopolitan) but she seems to have carved out a life for herself post widowhood and is a writer on Huffington Post, so obviously there's something there.  I greatly enjoyed "Saturday Night Widows", but understand not everyone (especially those who are recently widowed) might not feel the same.

There are widows who offer their services designing and making memory quilts and the like, I see that as an innovative way to make a living, and people seem to like the results, so hard to think there's much harm or preying on the vulnerable there.

I dunno.  I guess I just think everyone's experience is so different, and if they find a book/conference/grief group/coach/memory quilt creator that helps in some way, it doesn't seem like a bad thing.

Dear Kealoha:

I am so sorry for your and your daughter's loss, and glad you found your way here. 

My husband died in a car crash when our youngest daughter was just over a year old.  She's now 8 and doing well.  There's no doubt the loss of her father is the pivotal story of her life.  Her daddy is still a big force in her life, yet she has no actual memory.  That comes from stories her older siblings tell, that I share, from pictures she sees.  Nowhere near the same as being here, but the best we can do. 

Don't worry about being too busy now with all the details you are currently facing.  We moved early on, and I can only say the grieving and accepting the new reality catches up.  Wishing you all the best as you find your way in this surreal world.  Feel free to PM me any time, I wish you and your baby the best.

I think I like your late mother in law.  She was complimenting you, not insulting you.

The women in my my family have always worked.  In education, the medical field, finance. Not sure of your age, but my own mother was widowed just shy of 50.  She subsequently sold our family home to move to another state where she catapulted her career to another level:  she worked hard, taught, spoke at national conferences and discovered a newfound career satisfaction.  People think different things in widowhood, and while my father was always her cheerleader when he was alive, after his death my mother didn't have the idea he was living behind a veil watching her.  She lived and continues to live, in the here and now.

Mrsmisterman, you seem like a smart, accomplished woman.  It's hard to adjust to this new world. But you can do this, I bet your husband would be very proud of you.

I dunno, to me 'Boy Sex' seems even creepier. How about 'Man Sex'?

This gives us a new window on your world, Serpico.  Tell us more. 

Oh, sure -  mokie and kmouse and fleur are all so wonderful.  Nary a mention of poor old Eeyore.  :-\

Where's the shovel?  You may as well dig a hole and bury me.  :-X

Like Eeyore is chopped liver or something!  :

Cool jeans and a suede jacket with a nice top - don't be afraid to show off "the girls" a little bit.  Boots or sandals, depending on your weather.

Long halter style dress.  Lots of great stuff at even Target these days for not a lot of $$.

I agree with the above poster who said every date does not have to be an event restaurant.  Mexican food and margaritas can be fun too!  And going into the nicer weather, concerts in the park and that kind of thing works too.