calimom

You have always been a force of good in these forums. Maureen. Whatever life has thrown you, you overcome it and become a victor. It's inspiring. Wishing you only the best as you move forward into the blue, and Chapter 3 or 17 or 24 or whatever. You're the best.

Some great replies here. One of the best indicators of this question was someone who declared her readiness was "when I had more good days than bad ones". There is something to that, whether you're 6 months or 6 years out. There's a lot of truth there. To the OP I would ask, are you social in your everyday life? Happy to get together with friends and family? People you've know before and after loss? Or feeling a void that you're hoping some unknown person can fill. Someone who is healthy and able to bring a new person into their life, and able to handle rejection if for whatever reason is doesn't work out, may be ready to handle "dating" and all it entails. You didn't say, and it's ok, but do you have children? Would they in any way be disturbed by your bringing a new partner home? Young children may be completely fine with this; older ones possibly not so much. In no way would being less than transparent with someone who's just lost their father would be OK. Others have different viewpoints. Wishing you the best in any case, and welcome to the forums!

I am so, so sorry for your dual loss, psclan. I hope you find peace and solace. The community here is very supportive.

Ditto this. Sweetface may be a wonderful man, but active parenting, shared responsibilities and understanding his partner's physical needs and emotions do not seem to be among his many qualities. There are many good suggestions here, but my wish for you would be to check into a spa so that the 4 fully capable young women would learn to feed themselves, clean up after themselves, and Sweetface could …pleasure himself (I was going to use another term but, propriety and all) and then decide how the 6 of you would be able to move forward in a more civilized fashion. It's attainable if everyone buys into it. Take care of YOU, OP. You deserve it and need it.

Count me among those who find the term DGI a bit offensive and dismissive. I've never liked it but understand that others seem to love it. Also not a fan of diagnosing possible mental heath issues helpful unless one is a qualified professional. In my mind it's OK to not agree with everything that's said on this site. We can provide support without talking into an echo chamber. We don't always need to agree on everything; it's the basis of adult communication.Other viewpoints can be very helpful. The very very new and raw need to find a safe space, that's true, but most after a year or more should be able to handle different points of view and accept feedback. Had the OP asked for advice on the topic of how much to share of a sensitive time in her and her children's grieving, I might have gently suggested not to share so much of what's going on, unless she truly wanted to hear what her new gentleman friend responded. I might have said to tell him that they were not available in that particular time frame, and relayed that they needed some private time as a family. That should be enough for any reasonable, grown adult. I don't thing we need to "share" every situation and circumstance with everyone, whether we're building a fresh relationship or otherwise. I do agree, and have been scolded for, giving advice when a rant was posted. Sometimes we don't want to hear what we need to hear. Fully understood. And OP, I do wish you well as you navigate you new relationship. You're smart and will figure this out.

Wow, Ruth, that is truly horrible. I hope the other driver was taken into custody and sentenced. My own husband died due to another's drunk driving and due process took over. I wish the best for you.

Many people were affect edby Anthony Boudain's death: SOS, garden variety widows, chefs, appreciators of his shows, travelers, et al. He was a force of nature and the loss is astounding. To use this loss as an excuse to get out of a date with a man that you're not physically, emotionally or socially attracted to seems a little …cheap. Ot's ok to tell him that you're just not feeling it and the two of you are not a good fit. Just because he checks some boxes on what you or your friends think is immaterial. As the late, great, Nora Ephron said, "everything is copy", that this experience might be good fodder for your blog, sure. But you don't have to continue to see this guy if you don't want to, and you don't need to use the death of a celebrity to have aTa Da! moment in order to get out of it. Just be honest with him and with yourself.

OP, next time around, try finding a non-low IQ, reasonably sane partner before taking the next step. You'll have better results. At almost eleven years out, we still have an area in our entry hall of that is a place of respect and honor for my late DH. Some pictures, a place for the kids to place trophies of their accompaniments, that type of thing. My gentleman friend of many years is not threatened by this, nor am I of his marriage of 20 years. This is the nice thing about being grownups. His ex and I are friendly, if not actual friends, she's grateful I'm nice to her kids and she's nice to mine. Agree with other posters in that this is not a competition. It's life and death and different circumstances. Is it possible that you're not really ready for a new relationship (and nothing wrong with that), and that's why you pick these partners who are so insecure? Hopefully you find your path and a way to feel the peace you deserve. Seriously, nice non-crazy people are out there. It's not like you have a life-size cutout of your late DH and are running a continuous loop of the memorial service. Live the life you wish to live.

I'm glad you've found happiness and peace, Patswife.

Echoing what soloact said, "those who matter don't mind. Those that mind don't matter." My own mother was widowed fairly young. She'd always declared she'd never marry again. But at 14 years post widowhood, she met a man who'd been widowed for 5 years . They were about your age, 60-ish and decided to take the plunge They are not particularly religious but had a wedding officiated by a friend and registered with the State of Arizona. Resources were combined: two houses sold and a new house, "their house" was purchased. Both were working at the time and had what might be considered the goodies of the hardworking American Middle Class. Real Estate, IRAs, investment accounts and in the case of my stepfather, a pension from his years as a university professor. Should he precede my mother in death, she will be the recipient of the pension. Should she precede him, he'll make use of the assets they have together. When both die, the five combined offspring will inherit the rest. We're all OK with that. All five benefited from loving upbringings and college educations. My mother gifted a nice amount to us as adults for weddings or down payments on our first homes, whichever we chose. Her husband did similar things with his own sons. They have a wonderful relationship. My mother kept my father's name in her new marriage as that was what she was known by professionally, plus she didn't want the hassle of changing her name on her driver's license or passport or anything else. Shortly after they married, and I'm talking just a few weeks, I was widowed at 31 with 3 young children. My freshly minted stepfather stepped in, along with my mother, to provide major support, even delaying their planned honeymoon trip. This likely would have been the case whether they married or not. My kids have been shorted in the biological grandfather department but my stepfather has stepped very graciously in this role. My mother's life expanded with having sons for the first time, and additional grandchildren. Love multiplies. They've also provided emotional and financial support for an offspring's family with a seriously ill child and one who had an economic meltdown. They're a team. Your relationship may be a long one. Both could live happily and healthily into your 90s! One or both of you may need nursing or assisted living care or not - there are unknowns in life. You're to be commended for thinking and planning ahead. Money is important. But hopefully you're not being held back by the idea that your grown children would miss out on inheritance by either one of you. And it's unlikely that a surviving spouse would be completely impoverished by the nursing care of the other. There are benefits and consequences of marriage and cohabitation, and lots to consider in both. Either one is a viable choice. Since it sounds as though you'll do without the government filing, I'd avoid any term like "wedding", "marriage" or "husband and wife". All is good. Your friends and family who love you will want to celebrate your union. Best of luck to you and wishing you and your intended a most happy and long life together. I wish you the best.

What a beautiful post, Judy. I love the synchronicity and meaningfulness of your friend's shirt at your daughter's wedding. And congratulations to all, by the way! I'm just over 10 years out. When I am a very old lady, the date of Jeff's death, and his birthday, will still have meaning, even if just for me and my children - who may well forget or not have it imprinted in their beings - which is also fine. I haven't been through a child's wedding yet, one day in the future hopefully. While not much a believer in the afterlife or signs in general, I have felt "something" on auspicious days like the numerous graduations that I've experienced from preschool to college. Maybe it's an internal fortitude, maybe some other sort of life force that has carried me through those days. Love your writing and your thoughts. Thank you.

Jen, hope you're ok, sounds like you're going through a rough patch. I do appreciate a good conversation here, i't helpful when different viewpoints can be discussed. Glad you all thought everything was aboveboard. Its true, this is an anything goes thread. While one or two of us found a few things off base, not everyone did, and that's what makes us all unique. I'm certainly no prude and not interested in being a hall monito. I greatly appreciate the efforts of the moderators here. And Serpico and Trying, absolutely love that both of you are ducking into this particular forum! That's really fun!

Typically in the Message box but you could start a thread about it too. Widowbagos don't happen often enough. Widowbagos have never been about hookups. They are about friendships and supporting each other. Thank you, Maureen. And seriously, Christopher and Jen, take it offline or get a room. Something. Jeez.

Bit off topic but women are no more 'ruthless' as a gender - some humans are, some aren't. One is after all, only getting one side of the story from these fellows... All these nasty, 'crazy' exes we seem to hear about, must have had something pretty darned attractive about them initially, or for many years even, if the guy had several children with them! People change of course, but women are no more or less likely to than men. And Bunny, I might be similar to you. New bloke now for 5 years, committed in every way but not in a hurry to cohabit or marry. Kids happy the way things are, logistics, and just emotionally don't feel I need it/am ready for it. But like your fellow (mine is 54) he has never been married, so we have discussed it and he would like to one day, and I'd be happy to for him, just don't feel the urgent need. Funny how we change over the years. I think it has less to do with gender and more to do with whichever wronged party you're talking to at the time. Not saying that anyone would outright say an untruth, but can a lot easier to portray oneself as a victim than as quite possibly an equal component in the breakdown of their previous marriage. More fun to do a "why me" than take ownership. And I think I'm in the same camp as Bunny and fairlanegirl. Longtime gentleman friend, no immediate or longterm plans to marry, or even cohabit at this point. It could change someday….maybe

Well played, sir. Sometimes when life deals a shitty hand, you just have to play the cards you have. It's one thing to use the widda card to get outof something like a speeding ticket or a late credit card bill, but you used it to get into a community where your small children will be well cared for while you work to support your family. Once in awhile things just happen the way they're supposed to. And I somehow have the feeling when the daycare puts out the call for volunteers to help clean 24 tiny chairs, paint a classroom or man the grill for the annual fundraiser, you'll be the first one who shows up with a scrub brush, a paintbrush or a spatula. Best to you and your kids. You're a great dad.