barney_12

Grief has no rules. There is no handbook. There isn't a right or wrong way to move through the this kind of pain. In the first months after my loss, I craved intimacy so much. I just wanted to feel something other than the intense grief. I just wanted to feel " normal" again. I wanted to be held. To be comforted. To forget for even a few minutes. I can tell you though, from my experience all it did was make me feel empty. And sad. Because how can someone you don't really know help fill that? They can't. It can fill the " need for sex" but you can also do that yourself. I'm not saying not to do it. Like I said there is no wrong or right way - you need to do what you want. What feels right for you in the moment. Just for me, no matter how much I tried to feel better by having sex, it didn't work. And I had to struggle with my own thoughts of myself after. I just decided that I would rather not then feel even more empty inside than I already did. I decided to focus on my friendships with the women and the men I already had in my life who could comfort me and be there for me when I needed. They're the ones who truly care and help fill me up....not some random guy who could care less about my loss. Again though, please just do what you want. Take care of you and make no apology for how you decide to live your life after your loss....it's yours and yours alone.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend in Aug so it's been almost 6 months. For me, I can say it's gotten a bit easier. I still cry everyday. I miss him all the time. Some days are still unbearable. Some days I can get through the day feeling like I'm myself again and that I am healing...slowly but healing. Today his 12 yr old daughter helped me by saying to me " you're still kinda dating" ...... Her acknowledging that we hadn't " broken up" made me see from her view that it didn't matter that we were " just boyfriend/girlfriend" - even at her young age, she gets it. We didn't have to be married or living together for it to be just the same as if we had been. I am so incredibly grateful and feel so blessed to have been his and him be mine. I still get extremely pissed off that he was taken so young....with so much to live for. With so much love to still give. We were supposed to have the next 50 years. To show his kids and mine, what a truly healthy beautiful loving relationship is. I'm not supposed to be having to think about starting all over again. To try to find a man with a soul like his who was a real man in every sense. But life has a different plan for me even if I don't understand what the hell that could possibly be. And I know, no matter how much the idea hurts and sometimes overwhelms me, he wants me to be happy again. He wants me to give someone deserving the same kind of love that I showed him. And to allow someone to do the same for me. If anything this has taught me, is that life really can be unbelievably too short. That you can wake up on a Sun morning with so much to look forward to and by 5 pm that night your whole life has changed. That you had a boyfriend one minute and in the next you don't. And wrapping your mind around that.....you just can't some days. But what you do is, is slowly put one foot in front of the other having faith that it will get easiier ...one day. That if you can't get out of bed one day, don't. Stay there until you can. If you need to watch hours and hours of mindless tv, do,it. If you need to be keep busy all the time, do that. Do whatever it takes for you to get through the day. There is no wrong or right way to grieve and move forward. You do what is best for you in this moment. And make no apologies for how you handle your grief.....it's yours and no one else's. Own your grief. Own your pain. Own your healing. And absolutely own the love you had. Not everyone gets that kind of love in this lifetime......I'm one of the lucky few who gets to say I did. And I know how incredible that is. I thank him everyday for being him. For loving me the way he did. So unbelievably incredibly grateful to love him.

I know how hard yesterday must have been for some of you. I know what firsts are like when we lose someone we loved with everything we have. I wanted to share how I felt and what I wrote last night when the day was almost over. " When we suffer a loss, I think some of us tend to anticipate a day like today or an anniversary or a birthday being very hard and for some, I'm certain it truly is. I know I was and did. I was scared. I just wanted to forget it. My saying for 2 weeks was " Christmas bites this year " and I was dreading it. But you know what? I've had an amazing day. So wonderful. And it's made me really realize how blessed I truly am. With what I have and what I don't have anymore. The haves: 3 beautiful, amazing children - my daughter, my son and my son in law. They truly are the magic in my life. They need me and I need them. I have no words to describe my love for them and what they bring to my life. I have a beautiful, warm, cozy home. I'm sitting by the tree in all its beauty looking around my house. As a young adult I never thought I'd be able to have a home like I do. And it's mine. It's mine and my children's safe haven. I have an incredible fun career with amazing little rugrats who brighten everyday and I also have their wonderful parents. I have met so many great families throughout my years of daycare. Not all of us can say that they truly love what they get to do everyday. My intuitive loving pets....my Dewey dog who has been a comfort for me for the past 3 years and my sons one crazy cat who hasn't let me sleep alone since Dan's accident. And let's talk about the really crazy kitten who keeps knocking every ornament off the tree daily but delights me with her craziness. I have a brother that no matter what, has always been my biggest supporter. He listens to me cry. He rallies behind me when someone has hurt me. He gets me. He is the only one who completely understands me because of our childhood, our losses and what we both had. I'm his older sister but he takes cares of me like he is the older one. Again I have no words for what he means to me and how much I love him. My family and friends....old and new. You all know who you are and without you, I don't know how I'd manage. The ones who listen to me over and over and get me off my crazy pole. To the ones who sent me an inner self care package. To the ones who take me dancing so I can lose myself on the dance floor and then they make sure I get home safe. The texts. The calls. The thinking of you's. The ones who have given me the space I have needed and are still there for me. I could go on and on. I love you all...I truly do. Now for the hads: I had one of the most amazing, loving, beyond description mom's. I had her for 32 years and in those years she always put myself and my brother first. She taught me how to love hard. She taught me how to be a mom. She's still teaching me because I think to myself what would my mom say or do and I try to follow that. I am so lucky to have had her for a mom, for my role model. My stepdad, Pete. He loved us unconditionally. 2 kids who weren't his in blood but absolutely were in love. And he was one of the best Poppa's 2 little kids could ever have. He taught me that real men are strong, emotional and sensitive. He showed me how real men respect women. How a woman is to be treated. How to love. Dan. My beautiful sweet gorgeous Dan. He was my Pete. I never got to tell him that. But that's what I wishing for before I met him. My own "Pete" like my mom had. Strong, sensitive, emotional and so very kind. Open and loving. Funny as f*ck. An amazing dad. Unconditional love. I am and will be forever grateful to have known him. And I know how lucky I am to love him. I've said it before, not everyone gets to experience what we had.....I get to say that I did. So today, on Christmas I know how incredibly blessed I am. I found the magic I was looking for. It's all around me and it's always been. Even in my darkest days. Merry Christmas and I hope for everyone, they have magic and love in their life like I have......xo " I also know how hard it can be to see the magic. To feel grateful. To feel anything but pain, despair and devastation. Please be gentle with yourself if you aren't finding the magic. You can't be grateful. Always, please always be gentle with yourself. And have no expectations. Be you. Feel your feelings and allow them. You are so worth it. Please always remember your value, your worth and your beauty.

This could be long....I haven't really gotten any fuck you's out yet.... Fuck that after finally healing after a divorce caused by my cheating ex husband, I finally found the man I was supposed to have found 20 years ago and then love the rest of my life to have him die 3 months into our amazingly healthy loving relationship. Fuck that his cheating ex- wife decided to take on the martyrd widow role even though they had been separated for 6 mths by then and she still had the boyfriend she had cheated with. Fuck his family for allowing that bullshit and writing her as his wife in the obituary causing confusion and gossip in this shitty little town. Potentially tarmishing his reputation and playing into the " good Christian family image facade". Fuck the so called fake friends who had nothing but terrible things to say about the cheating ex wife but are now best friends with her, now that he's gone. So much for loyalty. Fuck people telling me to have compassion for her with what she's going through. Fuck that. She would have had my compassion and respect if she had done the right thing when he died. Instead of milking all the attention and sympathy because now instead of the town hating her for betraying him , they now feel for her and use their kids as excuses. Fuck a lot people not understanding my grief. Minimizing and not validating it. Fuck her for saying things about him while he's not here to defend himself. Like he neglected her etc that's why she had an affair instead of just leaving. Fuck that our future plans won't ever happen. Fuck us sharing our future grandchildren together. Me dying at 101 and him at 87 so we wouldn't be alone without the other. Fuck that I will never marry him. I will never move in with him. I won't grow old with him. Fuck that we were in the middle of being in love and it was ripped away. Fuck that Sunday morning I had a boyfriend and by 5pm I no longer had one. Fuck that once again I have to start over when I have no desire to but don't want to be alone the rest of my life either. Fuck that i have already lost my mom, my stepdad, my favourite grandma, my marriage, my in-laws ( since they chose to picks sides) and then him....my chance of having a family again. Fuck that once again I'll be spending Christmas alone. Fuck that my tree has been up for 2 weeks with only lights on it and I can't decide if I'm going to decorate the fucking thing or just take it down. Fuck that he was the most amazing beautiful sexy loving faithful honest respectful man I had ever met and in one fucking split moment he crossed the yellow line on his motorbike and hit another car. Fuck that he only had a broken leg and a lacerated liver but died because they couldnt get a helicopter or plane to fly him to a better equipped hospital because another accident had happened and they were flying " non life threatening " injuries to a different city. Fuck me for saying this and feeling terrible but fuck him for dying on me and leaving me here to deal with all of this shit and have to once again start over. Just fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck.....

It'll be 2 months this Friday that my boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident. Part of the issues I'm having is that we were only together for 3 mths. However those 3 mths weren't typical months of dating/relationship. We went from casual to serious within weeks. In 75 days we only didn't see each other about 15 times. We constantly, texted or called, every single day. But I don't feel like I really belong anywhere with my grief.....I wasn't married to him. We didn't get the chance to be long term. We had future goals and plans but at the same time we were just enjoying the heck out of every moment. I feel like my grief and sadness shouldn't be this much. That maybe I'm over reacting. I'm not doing ok....i get up, do my job, take care of my kids, try to see friends, spend time with his kids. But all I feel is incredibly sad. So sad for the loss of what our future may have been. I just feel lost.....