georgina114

Is it guilt or do I just miss you like mad again? Today I am racked by memories of when you were ill, especially the last month before you left me and your health started to fade; the time when I tried my very best to serve you and show you how much I love you… It was tedious work but I didn’t complain. You were all I can think of at that time. Most of the time I forgot to eat or bathe and care for myself because you were my priority. I could have hired a caregiver to look after you but I didn’t because I’d like to show you that through thick and thin I am there for you. I had hoped that if I personally cared for you, you would somehow miraculously get better… but you didn’t. I knew (and you knew) that I wasn’t perfect or ideal for the job because of my BPD but I tried my very best and somehow we got through it. There were times when I was having difficulty of my own, coping with my mood swings, that I would be bitchy whilst I was helping you. You would tell me to take my medicine and to be a little gentler… I am so sorry for those times, my love. I’m sorry I cannot be perfect… After I’ve taken my medicine, I made it up to you by hugging and kissing you a lot and saying sorry because I’m weak and frail… because I was bipolar. You would tell me you understood and reassure me that I am one of the strongest women you’ve ever known. We would then just lay and hug each other for a while… I knew your body was failing fast by then. Although you didn’t complain of any pain, I could see the rapid weight loss and I can’t help but worry and get frantic inside. I suppose I was bitchy sometimes because I wanted you to fight back… fight me back and fight the blasted illness as well. But it wasn’t meant to be... You’ve succumbed to your illness and eventually left me… Today I woke up with a terrible ache in my heart… I sprayed one of my pillows with your D&G perfume and hugged it so tightly while I cry and call your name in the dark. I miss you so much and I love you, Brian… :'( :'( :'(

Hi Amber! I am sorry for your loss. My husband died exactly 14 days ago and I understand the difficulty of going through the holidays. We didn't have kids but we have a doggie and at the moment, he is keeping me going. The thought that he needs me to care for him each day makes me get out of bed and go through the day even when it's like a zombie existence. I think you should gain strength from your kids. They need you and you need them. Just take each day at a time... that's what most people tell me... It is hard but I still try. I will go through with our supposedly 15th year wedding anniversary on the 25th and I still don't know what to do. Maureen's advice on allowing yourself to grieve, cry but keep yourself hydrated and fed is very helpful. I've never needed water more than now (probably because I cry a lot)... I also do what Julester does... I sleep on his side of the bed to avoid panic attacks. Sometimes I sleep spread-eagled or crosswise... It's all weird but I had to do it for my sanity. I wish I have casserole-bringing nice neighbours but most of the people around here are callous and insensitive Filipinos (don't get me wrong, I'm Filipino too but I've been away for 15 years and the culture somehow seem strange to me now). I don't go out a lot but I keep in touch with my friends online. Also, I find that I can express myself more by writing and sharing what I feel. Do what you feel would make you feel even a tiny bit better. Hugs to you and your kids.

I've been bipolar for a few years and mostly under Flouxetine (Prozac), Diazepam (Valium) and sometimes Citalopram... However, after my husband died a week ago (Dec 21), none if them seems to work :-[

Dear Klaxl, I can relate so much to what you've just posted. I lost my husband just a week ago and all I want at the moment is to follow him wherever he is... He is the only one who understands me, the whole me, the real me. I am surrounded by my family but I've never felt so alone. If not for our doggie I might have done the stupid thing... We were married for almost 15 years and we never had kids. I was his baby the whole time and he suddenly left. It's very unfair. I want to runaway but where to? I am bipolar and my family don't get it... I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. I can't say be strong because I can't find strength myself. I'm as lost as you but I understand you... hugs from across the world...

This doesn't sound too different from me... I've lost my husband 8 days ago and all I desire is to be where my husband is... the only thing that makes me stay is the fact that my doggie still needs me... He is like my son (we never had children) and is where I draw strength... 😭

Thank you Laura. Yes feels like I'm just swimming and swimming without reaching shore. Like at some point I will just let myself sink and give up. It hurts so much... so much more each day. I am sorry for your loss too and thank you for understanding me... xxx

Those are exactly what I need, comfort and solace... Thank you all for listening to me. It helps ease the burden a little bit, knowing that someone understands and that I am not alone in this path. My husband died on the 21st so it's only been 8 days... I am sorry to hear about your husband too. I can't imagine going through this for months. I wish there is a shortcut way. At the moment I always feel like the very best thing would be to follow him/be where he is. But my baby dog still needs me and he is keeping me going. Not the people around me but my baby doggie... He is my source of strength and sanity in this crazy world I suddenly find myself in. Thank you for walking with me in this path. I really appreciate it.

Thank you Maureen. I am sorry to hear about your husbands too. I can't imagine going through this twice over. I don't even know if I can get over this one time. You are a brave and admirable woman. You're right, I feel his absence all the time now... much more than before... It's only been 8 days (He died on the 21st) and it is still very fresh. If it gets much worse I don't know how I will handle it. I feel so alone despite the people around me. I'm like an odd man out. I want to go away because I hate being stared at for having swollen eyes from crying. I don't know what they are all thinking because no one says a thing. I guess they think ignoring my grief would be the best thing so I can't blame them. So I walk around people who just gets on with everything, jokes with each other all the time, while I feel like a walking zombie with swollen, red eyes all the time. Sometimes I just want to be alone and live with just my doggie as company but I'm not sure I will be able to cope with my bipolar disorder. It used to be just me, brian and chester (our dog) and it all fits together. Brian understands my quirks and my illness and he knows how to handle me. Now I am surrounded by people who thinks mental illness is just a made up thing and talking about grief and someone you lost is taboo... Thank you for listening to my blabs here though. It somehow helps to unload... thank you all

Thank you Julester3... I've been living out of this country for 15 years (I left right after Brian and I got married) so I am n longer used to the callousness of the people. It hurts and makes me angry but I have to restrain myself because if I complain or tell other Filipinos, most of them would not really get my point. I am just trying to let each day pass. It is getting more difficult, especially since a very strong typhoon just hit our place here, and although our property and most of my family and friends are safe, there is still no electricity. It's been like this since Christmas... I am literally grieving in the dark (except when the generator's on which is not often)... Ugh!

I feel so very confused at the moment... I feel like running away but I don't know where to go or, really,... what to do... I lost my husband Brian on the 21st of this month. It was just 3 weeks ago that we learned that he had pancreatic cancer, stage 4. He was healthy as a horse, no symptoms, nothing. We thought it was just gastric acid problem... It was so late when we got the diagnosis that the doctors did not even suggest chemo because the cancer has affected all his other organs. He underwent 2 operations just after diagnosis but it was just palliative. I thought I was prepared when the doctor said he would not last long. Brian and I even talked about it and he made clear his wishes... We (me, him and our dog) flew from the UK to the Philippines to try and see if it would be a great place to retire. But instead we got this devastating news. The doctors advised against flying him back to the UK because it was very advanced. He died in a foreign land. I am here and I do have family in this country and he said, as soon as he is able, he will travel by land to make sure he takes me and our dog, Chester, to my family so I will have support and after that he will let go... I thought it was just a joke. But 2 days after travelling and taking me back to my family, he passed away. I am still in so much shock. He didn't want the Filipino wake, embalming, etc, and he made clear he wanted to be cremated on the same day. So when he died in the morning, he was cremated in the afternoon. 7 days on and everything is hitting me so badly. I thought I was ok. I consoled myself with the fact that he is now in a better place without pain and illness and that at least he did not suffer much... But what about me and my doggie? Although I am surrounded by my immediate family, I feel so very alone. I miss him so much... Much more as the days pass. I don't want to go out because Filipino community is very tactless when it comes to grieving and pain. They ask all sorts of inappropriate questions and I am not ready for it. I tried yesterday just to have a walk with my doggie but the neighbours were so insensitive (asking me questions like how much did I spend in the hospital, how much was the funeral and how much money did he leave me with stupid grins on their faces as if I've hit the jackpot, unbelievable!) that I don't think I could go out again. I hate it here, but I'm not sure where else I can go or if I can make it on my own especially since I am bipolar and Brian was the only person who understood my illness (mental illness is still a taboo subject here in the Philippines). I just need to hear from people who understand me. My friends are mostly in their 30s like me and have no idea what I'm going through so I do not want to see any of them. When I'm gripped with my depression (low mood swing) all I can think of is following Brian... to be where he is. I know he loves me and he understood me. No one here does. :'( I don't know if the clip is allowed but I'm posting it here because it's full of our happy memories. It makes me cry everytime I see it... I was such a wonderful man... https://vimeo.com/196731567