RyanAmysMom

3 year mark is coming up for me within a few weeks....  I agree - year 2 was rough....  Year 1 was rough because I was in shock and just completely unable to function, but I expected that.... By year 2, I thought I'd be able to pull it together and function, and the disappointment of still being "broken" was so frustrating.  I'm surprised at how many "milestones" we have in life - I didn't realize there were so many until I didn't have him here to share them.....  

But for them, and for us, and for our kids, we just keep going.........  and we somehow seem to keep hoping.....  

My kids and I are in Washington DC as tourists this week!  (We're from Northern CA)  Having a good time - but of course, as with everything, it's emotionally loaded - this was LH's bucket list trip....  I keep thinking about how much he would've loved being here - and then I weep at how hard it would've been for him to get around....  

This is so timely!  We're closing in on 3 years, and my kids are always a worry to this mommy!  A month after daddy passed, the kids started high school and middle school......and it was awful......  It's refreshing to look at them now and see how well they've recovered - Yes, they fell apart at first - both failed classes, both needed lots of therapy.... but my daughter just graduated middle school with honors, and my son as made up a couple of classes that he failed freshman year, and has maintained a 4.0 this year - he's ready to graduate after 1 more class during his Sr. year, and will attend the Jr. College as a HS Senior next year.  

I'm grateful that we had our daddy as long as we did - he was a better parent than I am.... even now, I still claim that my kids are the adults in our house - and I'm so proud of them.....  

Spent the day with my daughter at San Francisco Comic-Con.... So tonight will be just me and the TV......  Unless NG calls....  than I may muster the energy to go out....  maybe......  or not.....

Well, after weeks of making out like teenagers, and several false starts, we made it across the line.....  I'm shocked and amazed at how I feel.....  physically content, but completely without emotional connection.......  I believed for 40+ years that I could never have casual sex.... I guess maybe I was wrong.  

Sigh.... back to therapy....... 

I put myself in "timeout" last night!  Took off all of my "hats" - the "mom" hat, the "daughter" hat, the "teacher" hat..... and so on.....  Decided to spend a couple of hours on ME.  Took a drive.  Took a hike.  Got out into nature.  It was so refreshing.  Just wish there was a beach closer.......   

My situation is a little similar......

Before LH passed, I was a SAHM, but I had returned to college to get my teaching degree - we were going to trade places - he was going to retire, I was going to work....

So, my kids had adjusted to me being in school.....  Well, when it came down to it, LH passed in July, and I started teaching full time in August....  The only saving grace (I think) is that I worked the same hours that the kids were in school.....  and they were accustomed to seeing me do homework in the evenings, so I brought a lot of work home. 

It is an adjustment - and it's exhausting in every way - BUT.....  they will adjust (I promise) - share with them the ups and downs, talk to them about how it helps you grow...  

And most importantly - it's such a good example for the kids to see you picking yourself up and moving forward...  

They're more flexible than we give them credit for....  

Just be honest and straightforward with your boss about your situation, and acknowledge that early on, there may be difficult days. 

Good luck!

Such a timely question, and some great answers.  

On 5/15/2018 at 12:20 PM, Bunny said:

 assumed he was one of those people who can’t stand to date their own age, tells themselves they’re young at heart so need a younger partner to match, but doesn’t want them to know this because then they might get shut down from the get-go. I’d definitely be interested in the reason he gives you and what his own age parameters are for potential dating partners. 

 

This is precisely what he was thinking!  Turns out, he did lie to me about his age - he is 15 years older....  And at 45-60, that's a lot for me to handle.  I mean, I buried one husband...  what are the chances of doing that again?  And the age disparity would just grow over time.... 

So, while we've been compatible, and he's been honest otherwise, I have chosen to move on....  There were some other "issues" with his character that I didn't find attractive....   

I never thought I'd be the one who compared every man to my hubby.... but I guess I am....  

Another thing I realized was that while I was having a great time, I was enjoying the attention, and the feelings....  I might like the attention and fun and feelings better with someone else.  

I just want to add....  I had no intention of creating a huge debate here with my original comment - and I hope that no one felt offended or attacked by the comments and disagreements - I truly appreciated the variety of responses - because it gave me a good variety of viewpoints - And I found it hugely helpful to consider so many opinions.  

J

OMG - Why oh WHY can't people just be honest?!?!?  I'm coming up on 3 years since my honey left......  been actively working the online dating thing for a couple of months - ran into a super convincing catfisher....  that was awful.....  And then this weekend, had an impromptu meet-greet with a lovely man.....  only to realize he totally lied about his age.....  In most every way, he's a great guy - I'd love to spend more time with him - but why lie about your age?  And if you'll lie about that........  what else are you willing to lie about?  So.....  Is this a dealbreaker?  Does one lie really lead to more?  Or am I overreacting?  (He claimed to be a bit younger than me, then when we met, I realized he looked older....and then started doing the math.... he's actually about 15 years older than he claimed...... he looks good for his age....but....... he lied......... so.... yeah. )

Sigh.....

1000 times I've fallen asleep without you.

1000 times I've awakened without out you.

1000 times I've wanted to ask about your day.

1000 times I've wanted a kiss goodnight.

1000 times I've wanted a hug.

1000 times I've cried.

1000 days without you.

1000 days of being lonely.

1000 days of feeling empty.

1000 miss you's

1000 times I needed your advice

1000 times I needed my best friend.

1000 prayers

1000 sunsets

1000 cute things the kids did

1000 days and I'm still broken.....

Thanks for the insights, encouragement, and clarity. 

There's some great advice here.

TwinMom - WOW!  Good for you! And good for those girls! 

I bet they'll build friendships and memories for a lifetime! 

What's the first adventure going to be?

Boiling maple sap is something I've heard of, read about, and never experienced! 

Congrats for doing what sounds like hard work!  I bet you'll have a great reward!

Isn't it great that our sweethearts taught us things?  I love doing the "computer stuff" my hubby taught me - it makes me feel proud and confident.

Well, Maureen.....  There's a reason I live in CA.......  So, I won't mow your snow...  But I'll cheer for you if you do! 

Because sometimes you need a cheerleader.....  right? 

Some days you conquer the world.  Other days you get out of bed.  But we all need encouragement sometimes - and I used to get that from my hubbie...  So, what did you do today that astonishing? 

I got out of bed today!  YAY!

I took a shower and put on clean clothes!  YAY!

I .... wait for it.....  MOWED THE LAWN!  Can I get a WhoopWhoop?

Tell me about your day and let's cheer for each other!

My DH passed nearly 3 years ago.  I've tried dating off and on in the past year...  My kids are now 14 and 17, (they were 11 and 14 when daddy passed) - and they both really hate the idea of me dating...

But I'm really ready ......  How do I balance their needs and mine? 

I haven't found many FB wid groups that are right for me - Any suggestions? 

Ok.....  If you've ever watched "How I Met Your Mother" - There's the ongoing joke about the slap-bet- where Marshall gets a free slap on Barney at random..... 

GRIEF IS LIKE THE SLAPBET!  It can slap you in the face when you least expect it, knock you down, and sideline you with no warning. 

(And if you don't get the reference.......  sorry....) 

So, my husband and I had a travel bucket list..... and before he passed, the biggest thing still on the list was visiting Washington DC.... (We're California born and bred....) 

So... The kids and I are headed out East this summer - I booked a hotel near Arlington/Pentagon - We are expecting to see everything there is to see on the Mall -

BUT... Any other suggestions for where to go? What to see?  Suggestions for getting around?  (We're staying near DCA and near the Metro, so planning to take the train into town...) 

Thanks for any suggestions! 

Jen

I've been thinking a lot about this post lately - as my 3rd yr is coming up also....

And while most days are rough.....  This upcoming date is a "landmark" date....

And I think sometimes we give the calendar too much power...  My experience has been that as the landmark dates come and go, they are ordinary days, maybe a little rougher than regular days, but in the end, they only have the power we give them.

So, my advice to myself (I wouldn't dare tell anyone here how to live or think....)  is to not give power to the calendar, but to love my husband and miss him, and honor him every day. 

God bless us all in this hell of pain and loss..... 

My 3 year will be this July - and I still feel very much like you do.  Some days I still feel the "fog"....  This can't be my life......  I hate that others understand the pain...  hang in there....

So sorry to hear you're feeling so unsettled.  That sucks. 

I'm a teacher here in CA - (And therefore have no idea what is happening in the real world) - What are your teachers striking over?

I'm not dating yet, and these are some of the reasons why.....  It just feels weird....  My kids are 17 and 14, so they are hesitant to consider seeing mom with a new man, and I feel weird bringing someone new around them..... 

Keep communication open - and remember that you don't have to wear the "widow" label forever - if you want to be single and dating, embrace that! 

So, today was the day!  I gave the presentation along with 2 other ladies who had lost loved ones....

I found this experience to be gut-wrenching, but also somewhat cathartic.  It was "good" (healthy?) to re-live the process of making decisions after my husband's death. 

The thing that shocked me the most was how much "normal" people DON'T know about what to do when someone passes..... 

Anyway - Thanks for all of your input - I actually made up a list of all of the ideas you shared with me and added some of my own - and the presentation was very well received.