Mrs Reader

Grieving, not greaving. Not native speaker!

Geminigirl, I would have done exactly same thing if I could have opened the urn properly. All I managed to get out from a crack was some sandlike dust. I so much wanted to have contact with him again that touching his ashes felt necessary. I think there is something very primitive about it. If a relationship is very physical, why would't greaving. I would definately carry a bone in my wallet if I had one. Thanks for telling this.

Beth, I know. Me neither. Going crazy actually helped, I feel better today. Maybe just letting it out one way or the other helps. Being brave all the time doesn't. Everybody here says it will get better. I am just hopeful It won't get any worse, that would be nice. Hugs to you!

Thanks beth, I hope eating a bit of ash helps to get through this. At least I am carrying him with me now literally ;D Like Jackie O, we can be graceful examples publicly, if that's the meaning of this. And act out a little bit at home.

I am also at eight months about now. I have read that many of you said it gets worse at this time, but this much worse, really?! Today I had a total crazywoman episode while alone at the house. I managed to shake some ash out of the urn today while holding it against me as if it was him, actually put some of it in my mouth, cried and screamed and finally spread the ash out of the window. And cried some more. Like I have gone mad! I have to get the urn buried soon, I guess it is not helping to keep it here at home. I even took pictures of us together, me and the urn. What is this?! Month earlier I was ok, honestly, I had fun, I could think of him without falling apart, I could do anything. And now this. Eating ash???

Thank you all for these. I am crying, but in a hopeful way. I am so lonely. But maybe not forever. Thanks.

Oh I wish I knew. I was very almost happy, and now it is all back and worse. I am seven months out. I am having hard time believing this is true, he is truly not here and will never be. What!? He died five months after diagnosis from pancreatic cancer (at 49). Maybe it happened so quickly after all that I am only starting to understand it now. Can it be, how slow is my brain, or maybe it is my heart. Or my resistance failing. Dunno.

Oh shit. Yesterday I was full of hope and looking anxiously forward, today I am not interested in anything except having my DH back. This is exhausting, going back and forth both. Are you guys doing this? One day over the moon about all the possibilities that this new life would maybe bring, and the next day just devastated about all the lost love and dreams that are gone now. Is it my body wanting one thing and heart the other?

I think am crawling out of the dark place just now, and it feels wonderful. I am almost seven months out. I am seeing men around me, I am secretly thinking about online or any dating. I want to have my legs hairfree and toenails done. I want someone to look at me and like what they see. I want to go to dinner with a man. This all makes me so happy and so so sad at the same time. You know. But finally I feel alive after six dark months.