Monique

Has anyone else watched the show "13 Reasons Why?" I've heard some people say it glorifies suicide or that it can be triggering for those who have lost a loved one this way or attempted it themselves, so I won't recommend it to everyone. For me, though, I found it very relatable, especially in the survivor's guilt that Clay experiences, and Hannah's parents experience, so it was sort of cathartic and helpful in that way.

Mona, yes to everything you said about routine. When Sam died, I quit my job, moved out of my house, and basically had my entire life flipped upside-down. I've been going crazy having no routine and almost no responsibilities. It's helpful as far as having space to heal, but also so hard because I not only lost him, but everything I was used to in my normal daily life. His parents are the only people I think really relate, as they took the last few weeks off work as well. Everyone else went back to their normal lives with work and family obligations. I have none of that right now, and it is really isolating.I'm trying to deal with it by spending time with people when I can, finding tasks to keep me busy, and frequent long phone conversations with my mother-in-law.Also trying to be more supportive of others who are going through hard times, since I now understand firsthand how much it means.

The numbness is awful. I want to cry and sob so badly, but I CAN'T. Every once in a while I cry, but most of the time when something reminds me, it's just this heavy sadness but no tears come. I've always been a proponent of a good cry now and then, and I have never needed one more. I figure the strong emotions will return eventually though.... it's only been six weeks. At the risk of sounding a bit silly, and revealing my youth, I was recently reminded of the Disney movie "Inside Out." When Joy gets lost, the little girl can't feel happy anymore, and her personality just kind of goes flat. That's how I feel. I have no joy anymore.

My in-laws and I wanted to do a viewing, and we did. No one was there when he died, so we all found out secondhand or via phone calls, and this was our last chance to see him. I thought it would bring me some closure, and I suppose it sort of did, but at the same time it was incredibly hard. I couldn't deal with the fact that he was gone. I didn't really look until the end either. The first time I tried, I collapsed on the floor. Half an hour later, I finally managed to go back there and look. He looked like himself, but when I touched him he didn't even feel like a person anymore. More like a wax sculpture. I remember his family telling me "He's not there anymore. That isn't him." And it was true. His soul has gone on to the next life; it's not in his body anymore. I'm glad that we had the viewing, but it wasn't easy. For those who didn't have one, I would say don't feel guilty about it. If it's more helpful to remember them alive, there's nothing wrong with that. Your loved one's soul has left this world by that point, and they're not going to hold it against you for not looking. We all have to make the choices that we believe will help us get through this awful time and honor those we have lost.

HCE, that's exactly how I feel about it. Wearing black as a fashion statement is so common now that I'm sure no one even pays attention to my wardrobe. In the first couple of weeks especially I wished there was a way to make my grief apparent to the outside world, if only so I wouldn't feel obligated to try and act cheerful in public. It's been 6 weeks now, and I'm functional enough to not be so concerned about that, but wearing mourning still just feels right. I also never take off my engagement ring- it's a symbol of the connection I'll always have to him.

I haven't used the term in public, as I've rarely needed to explain my situation to anyone (I've spent almost all my time these past six weeks with close friends or family who already know). It only came up because I was telling my mother about this site, and when I mentioned it was a group for young widows, she told me "but you're not a widow." I know that's true; I just didn't think it needed to be pointed out in that particular context. I'm not sure what exactly I will end up saying the next time someone asks about my relationship status. If I use the term "widowed" it will be for simplicity's sake and with the awareness that people may be confused or call me out for using it incorrectly. On a side note, Mizpah, I do the same thing with the word "vegetarian." I'm a pescetarian (I eat seafood but no meat), but most people don't know what that means, so it's quicker to say I'm vegetarian than to explain further. This is a bit different, but I suppose my hope was that telling someone "I'm widowed" would be a quick response to avoid awkward questions, but perhaps it will just create more instead. I've thought about changing my facebook status to "widowed" only because "single" to me implies that I'm looking for a relationship when I definitely am not, and "engaged" results in lots of wedding-related ads showing up on my page, which of course just makes me sad. For now, though, I'm not ready to change it, nor have I decided if it would be appropriate, so it still says I'm engaged to him. I like having the connection for now.

I'm just curious... did anyone else choose to wear mourning attire such as black clothes or some other outward symbol of your grief? I've chosen to wear black or grey in public for the time being... not sure it will necessarily work as a symbol of grief to those who don't already know, but bright colors just feel wrong to me right now.

Yes, me too. I felt very numb especially during the second and third week after I lost Sam. (The first week I was an emotional wreck.) It's such an awful feeling. I also experienced the shivering/ shaking like MissingBilly mentioned. It's been about 5 weeks for me now, and the emotions come and go... some days I cry, some I'm angry, some I'm numb. Some days I feel relatively okay, though not "good" yet.

I'm going through the same thing. Some days I feel guilty just for existing. But I remind myself that feeling miserable all the time won't bring him back or fix anything, so I might as well try to do something beneficial.I'm sure the guilty feelings will diminish with time too.

I can't remember the last time I took a shower. I went out to dinner the other night in full-on Victorian-era "Widow's Weeds" so the world would know I was having a bad day and leave me alone. I go out for ice cream almost every day. I don't even really enjoy it, but it provides some small measure of comfort. I frequently called his number and left messages until his family disconnected it. And now I hate that I can't call and hear his voice anymore.

My fiancé and I planned on opening a bakery together one day, so now his family and I hope to still do it together as a way to make his dream a reality. I'm also hoping to find a cause that I can get involved with, but it's still very soon so I haven't made any decisions yet.

Thank you both. I did have the opportunity this weekend to talk things through with a priest I've been close to for several years, which helped. My parents are frustrating in some ways, but they are trying to help. Hopefully I can find ways to show them what kind of help I really need. I'm hopeful that staying with ny in-laws for a while will be healing as well. I have things to look foward to in the next couple of months, but getting through the days until then is so hard!

Hi Amber. I am so sorry for your loss. I just read your blog and I can relate in many ways. I'm 27 and recently lost my fiancé. He was 29. It is so hard to lose someone so young like you and I have and not know what the future will hold. I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, but if you want someone to talk to, I'm here.

It's been 3 weeks since I lost Sam. One of the hardest things right now is just feeling so completely alone. I have my family, his family, and friends who care, and I'm grateful, but I still feel isolated. Everyone else has jobs and families and lives to get back to, but my whole world has been ripped out from under me. At my parents' insistence, I quit my job and moved all my stuff back to their house (on the other side of the country). In two months I'll be going back to a seasonal job where I worked before I met Sam. In the meantime, I'm spending a few weeks with my family and a few weeks with his. I don't have a lot to keep me busy right now, and it's just really frustrating because I feel like I have no one to talk to, or like I'm inconveniencing people because they actually DO have a life outside of dealing with grief. Anyone have any advice or wisdom? Does this feeling of isolation ever go away?

"You look good!"/ "You've lost weight!" --well, yeah, that tends to happen when you don't eat for a week. "You'll find someone else" "You only knew him for 2 years, eventually it'll seem like a small part of your life." The one that made me the most mad, though, was when his BIL volunteered to pick out clothes for the viewing, and then complained about the cost when "They're just going to be burned anyway." Oh, and my family suggested I should get together with his younger brother, as if it would be exactly the same as having him back. And they keep coming... "Lots of people move on after being widowed; you will too." "Maybe getting married was just too much pressure for him." "It's probably for the best. You probably wouldn't have had a happy marriage anyway." Um, our relationship was amazing. I've never known a love like we had. Don't EVER tell me that losing him was for the best. "You should be mad at him. What he did was really selfish." No. Just no.

Thank you so much to everyone for your support. It's frustrating that there really isn't a good word for my situation unless I tell people the whole long story. So far I haven't really needed to tell anyone other than close friends and family, and I try to be patient with them since the things they say are well-intentioned and said out of love, even if sometimes they hurt me without meaning to. But it's nice to have people to talk to who understand... I'm glad I found this group, even though I wish I hadn't needed to. Love to you all!

Hi all, I've been reading these forums for 2 weeks since losing my fiance. Didn't expect to make THIS my first post, but it's been a frustrating day and I need to. I came to the decision pretty quickly that the only "label" that made sense to me was to call myself a widow. Sam and I weren't married yet, but we were excitedly planning for our wedding and were 100% committed to each other. I was already living out the promises that I would make on our wedding day, and now I have lost the love of my life, the man I expected to spend forever with. His family has been absolutely amazing through all of this. They've welcomed me as one of their own and have made it clear that they will always see me as their daughter/ sister. My mom, on the other hand, seems insistent on pointing out repeatedly that I WASN'T married, I'm NOT a real widow, and I have no legal rights. My entire family have been very supportive in other ways, but I just can't seem to make my mom understand that saying these things does nothing but hurt me and make this harder. I'm not trying to discount the sufferings of widows who WERE married and had many more years with their husbands/wives than I did with Sam, but my loss is still significant and life-changing for me, and if it helps me even a little bit to use this label, is there really any harm in it?