Leadfeather

Hello again. I have been away. It is coming up one 4 years since my first wife died. I got remarried last year to a wonderful woman. I just wanted to stop in and thank everyone here who helped me navigate through the pain of loss and transition. 

Bunny I am so sorry to hear you have to go through the fear and anxiety again. My new wife and I had a small health scare recently and I was shocked at how easily it triggered a whole host of emotions and fears tied to the death of my first wife. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best.
 

I have remarried. Spent several Valentines days alone before I found her. My LW and I had 24 wedding anniversaries on February 15. Valentines days are still hard as our anniversary was the next day. I am blessed with a wonderful new lady who understands that. 

25 minutes ago, jeudi said:

Love has endured, not to the exclusion of other love, but contained inside a capsule that was us and us is lost and that is what this grief is made of.

This says it perfectly. Thank you.

10 hours ago, Virgo said:

I think some sort of communication before (texting or calling) will help you determine if you want to meet them for a coffee date. 

 

I totally agree that pre-screening is needed. I can only say what worked for me. But this is what I found after a few years of looking for someone using online dating, one failed 5 month relationship and one successful 15 month and counting relationship.

This is from a man's perspective, your mileage may vary. Maybe a week of texting a potential date to see if we were compatible. Early on I texted some women for weeks and weeks only to find that that is all they really wanted. A texting partner. So later in the process I made a rule for myself that I would give texting a week or two at the most and then set up a meeting in person to see if they were being honest about who they were in pictures and text. If they were not willing to meet then I would move on. If that meet and greet coffee date went well I would ask them out for a true first date. Some said yes and some said no.

Early on I was still very broken and vulnerable from my wifes death and some women used that for their own needs. I had come from a long tern 25 year marriage and was calibrated to trust. So I trusted more than I should have and was burned because of it. But I learned from those experiences and it allowed me to assess what I really wanted in a partner, and recalibrate how I was going about finding her.

Dating online really is a numbers game. You might have to go through a large number of "wrong for you" texting partners and/or meet and greets to find a person who you feel is worth your time and who also wants to date you. I dated with the intention of finding someone I wanted to spend the second half of my life with and found a large number of women who were not of the same mindset. Even if they said there were looking for a long term relationship their actions showed that they were not. But every time that happened, I would remind myself that I was one step closer to finding someone who was right for me, and that while I might have to go through a number of disappointments I only had to find one Ms. Right.

I do think a large portion of eligible partners at my age (48 when I started this process) are already in relationships. And a large portion of available partners at my age are available because they have issues which make them bad partners, or they were so hurt by a previous relationship that they are not looking for anything but a good time. Not all of them, but a higher percentage of them than when I was younger. And I was pickier at 48 than I was at 20. I had a good marriage and I did not want to sully the memory of it with a second relationship that was less than good.

I am not sure where I am going with this answer, it kind of turned into something other than what I first intended. Anyway I guess I will sum it up with two things.

One, If you want to find someone you might have to go through a lot of wrong people first, but it is worth the effort. The wonderful woman I am married to now, I would never have found if I had not tried online dating. 

Two, When I decided to date again this forum thread was the most helpful I found here. I read all of it and despite the fact that there is a lot of venting on it, it gave me hope. So thank you everyone for posting here and letting me know I was not alone in my desire to find someone worthy of all the love I still had left to give.

I say meet for a half hour coffee then if they seem worth the time go on a real date. I did a lot of those meet and greets. Most went nowhere. Some ghosted, some got cold feet right before, some met me and decided I was not there cup of tea, shocking I know. Got to a point where if a woman agreed to meet and then backed out I would not try to meet them again. Broke that rule one time. Ended up marrying her.

In three days I will remarry. This song. This song has me weeping in my cubicle at work. If Christine were able to send me a message I know this is what it would be. 

If it be your will to speak
Of memories we often shared
Talk to me of days gone by
Think of love and not despair

And when I’m gone
We’ll meet again
As often do the closest friends
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And if someone else
Must take my place
For I’ll be gone the longest time
I’ll wait and I will understand
A heart of thorns must
Leave the mind

But when in time I see your face
The scars will fade
The heart will mend
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And from today I wish you joy
From this day I wish you peace
I hope that life will pass you by
As softly as the falling leaves

And when your heart is full again
Raise a glass for me my friend
And dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end
Oh dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end
 

Found another one.

We will be married next month. Last night she was in the backyard of the new house that will be our home, cutting wildflowers to place next to LW's ashes. She is an amazing woman.

I am close to 1000 days out from the death of my wife. The sadness does not go away. But you will get stronger and the sadness will not occupy your whole being. You will find a way to build a new life from the wreckage of your old life. For me it took a conscious choice to be grateful for the time I had with Christine rather than angry that it ended before I was ready for it to end. Be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is valid but you will not feel like you are drowning forever.

Just before I came here and read this a 1 year memory popped up in my facebook feed. I think it was something I had copied from Reddit, I do not know the author. It helped me. Maybe it will help you.

-----------------------

Author unknown

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks

I am sorry you went through this. Don’t give up. It only takes one good one to make weeding through the bad ones worth it. 

She is doing very well. They do not know what caused all the dizziness but it seems to have passed.

Do what you want to do. They are not in your shoes and while they mean well they do not know your needs as well as you do. I sold my 5 bedroom house a few years after my wife died. She did most of the yard work because she had time to do so. I could not keep it up. I tried an apartment it was fun for a while but isolating. Then I bought a much smaller house since my kids are leaving or have left the nest. It is where my fiance and I will start our new chapter together. It is your life. Make a quilt if you want to and if you can afford it hire someone to do the stuff you can or don't want to do. Sell the house when you are ready or don't if you want to keep it. After being married for 25 years, it took me a while to adjust to doing what I wanted with my life without talking it out with my partner. Remember it is your life and there is no reason you can not live it as you choose. Your late husband would want you to live a life that brings you joy. Honor his memory by doing so.

new song came on as I pulled out of the driveway on the way to work. I was bawling by the time I had gone a block. Had to stop at my Fiancée’s house for a hug. 

She is home in bed. Nothing serious was found. Thanks for listening. 

I’m sitting in the ER next to my fiancé as we wait for her to get a CAT scan and other tests for the waves of dizziness she has felt today and the last few weeks. Same hospital my father died in 4 years ago. My head keeps going back to finding my wife dead in the yard. Here is hoping it is nothing but some vertigo. Not sure why I am posting but it helps. 

2 hours ago, Widower40 said:

I got that perspective from the book "Man's Search for Meaning." By Viktor Frankl.  There are examples of how even through the worst circumstances, people find meaning in life.  If you have the time I recommend you read it.

That looks like a really interesting book. Ordered it. Thank you for the recommendation! 

Her Birthday, Our Anniversary, and Valentine's Day all in the same week. Made it easy for me to remember the years we were together. Makes it easy for me to remember now that she is gone. 😥

Fuck that I never got to say goodbye and tell her one last time that I love her. Thank you God that I had her in my life for 27 years. 

I have no words. 

My boys and I went to Gilda’s Club for a while. They had weekly grief sessions, a community meal and then breaking off into groups. A group for teens, one for young adults, one for widows and widowers. It was helpful. Check and see if you have s local chapter. 

11 hours ago, Melissa brown said:

@Julester3 if you dont mind me asking, what kind of therapy did your family do? Grief therapy? I know we would benefit from that but I can't think clearly enough to know where to begin.

Thank you for the answers. It truly has been helpful.

I need advice. We have had several spouses die in our family in the last 4 years. My father after a 3 week stay in the hospital. And my wife suddenly and without any warning. So I have some experience dealing with the aftermath of a death of a spouse, both as a supporter of someone suddenly bereft of their life partner and as someone who experienced it himself.

My brother-in-law has been quite ill for several years. This week they finally got a definitive diagnosis and it is not good. His life, the life of my sister and their young daughter are severely impacted by his illness both now, and in the shorter time it means he will be here with them. For all intents and purposes she is a single parent to their daughter, the primary caregiver for him, and a full time professional.  I can see she is very tired and very emotional and has been for a long time.

Is this subform a good place to send her? Should I even bring up the thought of her already visiting a site for widows and widowers? Quite honestly, I think with the deaths of a significant family member every few years in our family I, and other members of my extended family have a bit of "death fatigue" we do not want to look toward a future with another widow in our small family club. Since my wife died I am also much less emotional about others dying, and that is not what she needs. I want to send her here if it might help emotional and practically. But I have no experience with knowing in advance that my spouse will in all likelihood die well before I do.

Thanks

Trying, We are experiencing a similar resistance with some of my fiance's adult children. A simple rule of thumb she is applying is that if her children are not willing to allow her to dictate who they are in a relationship with, then they have no right to dictate who she is in a relationship with.

I have met her children a few times. I really like them. I hope someday to relationship with them, but at the moment that is not how things are playing out. I have faith that time will make it better.

I wish you all the best.