Leadfeather

33 minutes ago, arneal said:

Oh, the issues with coming out an abusive situation ... that was my first marriage. My poor second husband. He was persistent, which is how we ended up going on a first date in the first place LOL.

She decided to drop out of the online dating site 3 days after she joined. I convinced her to let me keep emailing her which we did for several weeks. Long daily emails. I am thankful for C.S. Lewis because my quoting him in one of those emails made her decide she wanted to meet in person. That first meeting was very awkward for both of us. She couldn't eat and had a hard time looking me in the eye. While I ate, she had a tea she did not touch. She started opening up about her past--talking about how her husband treated her and the kids. He was a covert narcissist. She didn't used that term then, but I have a brother who is estranged from the family and I recognized the things she was describing and asked if her ex was a narcissist.  We went for a walk side by side, I really wanted to hold her hand but could tell that she was not ready. Bought us some chocolate, which she did not eat. Then took her home hoping she would go out with me again as I could see the woman she was under all the hurt.

She almost didn't agree on a second date but I am charming, attractive and very very humble.🤣 And a few days later we went for a walk along Lake Michigan, then dinner and a second walk along the pier. It grew from there. It was not always easy early on. But we are both very good an understanding each other and letting each other grieve. Her for the marriage she thought she had that never really was, and me for the marriage and woman I lost to death.

I watched her heal and grow back into a strong vibrant woman. She was ground down by the man who was supposed to love and cherish her and I am angry at him for several reasons. Because her hurt her so deeply. Because he hurt her children. And because he had a living wife and casually sacrificed their marriage on the altar of his ego.

But yes,persistencee was needed in those early months, so that she could see that I was genuinely who I appeared to be.

Glad you and NG are doing well. Life is going well for me and mine also.

I have been blessed with a woman who understands that I can be overjoyed that I have found her and still miss my late wife.

She and I are working out the details of our wedding and honeymoon. Going to drive around Ireland for two weeks.

We found a house recently, and had to outbid 17 other offers. But I will be breaking my lease and moving there in two weeks with my youngest son who dropped out of college because of failing grades. I am thinking it is depression, and have seen improvement in his emotional state since he moved back home and started taking medication for hyperthyroid, so I am tentatively hopeful he will find his path again.

My sons both really like my fiance which is a blessing. Her extended family likes me and my extended family including my in-laws all like her. She came out of a long term abusive marriage, and her 2 of her 3 adult children are not happy she is in a new relationship. It is very painful for her. We are hoping with time they will come around.

Excited about the house, excited about the coming marriage, excited about seeing Ireland, excited about several concerts we have lined up this summer. Worried about my youngest and wishing his mother were here, it always seems like she would know what to do better than I do. Hoping my fiance's children will see that joy that she and I bring into each other's lives and take the time to get to know me.

Not much choice these days but to chose to live the best damn life I can. So that is what I am going to do. 😀

2 minutes ago, arneal said:

If we say where we are, it helps them. I have really been thinking about that and am looking to 'present my case' for BF and I moving forward.

Both men and women are not mind readers. That is why we have language. Tell them what you want. Let them tell you what they want. Move forward. 😝

4 minutes ago, serpico said:

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

At a certain point I don't disagree. If I was getting back into the dating game at the place I am at now I can take the knocks and weed out the women who are wrong for me. But in the early days after the loss of my wife I was very raw and naive and I put my trust in several women I should not have, and was used. So I see this advice for those who are learning how to date again. 

Going to be marrying an INFJ. I'm an INFP. And Looney Tunes is a national treasure.

You are welcome. Reading your response all the way down to your tagline I have a question you might want to ask yourself as you are decide what you want to do. (Your tagline by the way was very inspirational to me when I first joined this site.) The question is; which would bring you more peace, telling him or not telling him?  

I am in no way affiliated with this company, but the other day I was reading something, I can't remember what, and it lead me down an internet rabbit hole that ended with me buying one of these coins to carry with me. I thought I would share it because I found it so interesting.

Momento mori is latin for "Remember that you have to die" I don't need to be reminded of that, I think about it every time I think of my late wife, and I think about her everyday. But it is a good reminder. It reminds me to live a life that I will not regret. To live a life that I will be proud of when it comes to an end.

Momento viveri is latin for "Remember that you have to live" that is something that is easy to forget when the grief hits hard. It is both a blessing and a curse. 

Recently I found my second love and because of that I have grappled with the thought that getting remarried means I might have to deal with being widowed again. A point brought home by reading several recent posts on this board.

That is why this coin spoke to me so much, by carrying it with me, it I remind myself that I am going to die or someone I love is going to die, but before that happens I want to fully embrace the life I have been given.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07G3KDG41/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Arneal, my advice, worth what you pay for it is to spit it out. Share how you feel and tell him what you want. "Put forward your desires as if you had a right to them." Then, work forward from there. I can only speak as me, and not for men in general, but if it were me I would very much want to know what you want in the relationship rather than have to guess because you did not express your desires. Open communication grows trust and trust grows love.

L2F, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad you had the time you had with her, and I am glad you had no regrets. And again, I am so sorry you have lost her.

12 hours ago, Virgo said:

We stopped seeing each other in April last year after he said "I love you" and I didn't say it back. We had been dating for 8 months. I had feelings for him, but I was keeping him at arms length. Saying I love you still felt like a betrayal to my LH for me. I just wasn't ready.

Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you.  https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

It is very frustrating to no longer be able to solve problems as a couple. It sometimes felt to me like I was facing life with only half of myself.

Vent away.

I am very sorry for your loss Virgo. 

Christine would have turned 50 tomorrow. It is a strange thing that she will eternally be 47. She no longer grows old, but I do. Someday, God willing, I will be 87 but she will still be 47. That is a hard thing to consider, that I might have more years ahead of me than we had together. Somedays, I fear that I will forget her.

Today, I bought a house.

This will be the house that Bren and I will eventually make into our home. My ability to buy this house was made possible by Christine. Her insistence that we both get life insurance when our first child was born became a gift that allowed me to move forward without financial worry after her death. This is the smallest of the gifts she gave me in her life. Joining her life to mine, showing me how determination and an unbowed spirit can move someone forward through pain to joy, and giving me our sons were the greatest.

I miss her.

I will honor her memory by living the life I have been given with a grateful heart and a joyful spirit. I chose gratitude. I chose joy. I chose to honor her memory by loving again.

Tomorrow; Bren, Christopher, Andrew and I will go out for dinner together to celebrate her birthday.

Someday we will all die. Someday, Christ will return. And then, when all is made new, my first wife Christine will meet my wife-to-be Bren. This is a beautiful thing.

“And as He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

I read some of her poems last night and they are really good. Thank you for suggesting her.

I am so sorry you are going through this. When my wife died it hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced before or since. And you are right, it can not be cured. But it can be endured. I don't know if the pain of loss goes away. I do know that you will get stronger and you will be able to carry that pain and you will find a way to rebuild your life. It has been 26 months since my wife died. And life is good again. It is not what it was, and it will never be what I expected my life to be. But it is good. And I can remember her and smile and be grateful for the years we had together. Even typing these sentences brings back a few tears. But I am strong enough to accept them, appreciate the past, and move forward toward a different future. With time, you will find you can do the same. Time does not heal all wounds, but time can make us strong enough to carry those wounds.

Be kind to yourself. Take all the time you need to grieve. Know your spouse loved you and you can carry the memories of that love forward into a new life.

I am very sorry for your loss.

This song gets me. Every. Single. Time.

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6 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

I did choose to walk away from G.  As I wrote this, and as I read it....  I realized what was really wrong.... 

 

G was not in love with me.  

 

I may be a fool....  but I am a romantic...  an idealist....

 

I am worthy of love. 

Good for you! My first relationship after my wife's death was fine at the beginning but she was not in love with me. It was painful to admit to myself that as much as I wanted it to be something more it never would. Once I opened myself up to that truth. And chose not to settle and accepted the possibility that I might never find another love as strong as the love I had with my first wife. And that I was strong enough to be on my own if that was my future. I became a better dating partner. And because I was a healthier me, and chose not to settle, and kept looking, I found someone who I have fallen deeply in love with and who has fallen deeply in love with me. 

5 hours ago, Kater said:

We can be happy and sad.  When we recouple, we can love our new partners AND love and miss our others.  It isn't one or the other.  One of the things that I so love about NG is that, without ever having to explain one word of that to him, he gets it.

This exactly! Thank you for posting this. 

I have no advice but know you are not alone. My girlfriends adult daughter has met me three times in the last 6 months and has decided her mom has not spent enough time alone after her divorce. Her second son, also an adult, spent an evening with me and my adult children and then decided not to spend Christmas with his own extended family because I was invited.  It is causing her great sorrow. 

Thankfully my girlfriends extended family all live in town. Her parents, siblings, adult nephews and nieces all really like me.  And my large extended family and my late wife’s extended family and my adult sons all really like her.

So our hope is over time her kids will see that she and I are committed to each other. They will see we have a strong healthy relationship, and marriage. And that they will come around. 

Mike is right, we know more than many that these lives we have are fragile things. Living them to the fullest is our best option.

C.S. Lewis has a wonderful quote about love, and I can not add more to this conversation than he does here. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Thank you. 

Thank you to everyone in this thread who helped me when I decided to reenter dating. Thank you for all the stories of bad dates, it was nice to know I was not the only one experiencing them. Thank you to all of those who gave advice when in my pain I was trying to make something permanent out of a relationship that was never going to be what I wanted. This thread and this community helped me get through all of the bad dates and wrong people that are out there and kept me searching.

Six months ago I met someone who has become the one. Someone who loves me for who I am and loves my late wife, because she knows that Christine helped me become the man I am. Someone who shares my values. Someone who has walked her own broken and painful path and finds herself ready to love again. Someone I have fallen in love with.

A few weeks ago I bought a ring. In a few more weeks, when we have each had a chance to speak individually with our adult sons and daughters we will officially be engaged.

I suppose I should move to that other thread now.

Matthew

It was a beautiful article. Thank you.

11 hours ago, Virgo said:

I'm comfortable where we're at and going slow. He really dislikes me using the word comfortable. It's become an inside joke between us. I think comfortable is a positive way to describe our relationship, but he thinks it sounds complacent.

Comfort was stripped from us when our spouses died. Feeling comfortable again is a wonderful gift. I craved feeling peace and comfort again after the death of Christine.