Locksley

I've posted on this forum exactly once, so I feel a little weird about posting this. But I don't have anyone else to say this to, and people here will probably understand some of what I'm going through. Even years later, some days I feel the loss as if it just happened last night. I feel that same soul-wrenching pain, the fear and shock. The guilt that comes from being alive while she's not. I question all of my decisions, wonder if she would have lived a better life, had she lived instead of me. Knowing she would have lived a better life. And then I realize, again, that it isn't just her that I'm mourning, it's me. The person I was, the life we had built together. Our friends, her family, shopping trips, jobs, everyday routines. All gone. I look in the mirror on days like this, and I don't recognize myself. I don't know what I'm doing here, who I am, what I want. Maybe it sounds cheesy and dumb, like a cliche you'd see in some melodramatic movie, but I don't like who I see in the mirror. I want that person gone. Maybe some people are able to hold on to the lives they built after losing a loved one. I couldn't. I couldn't hold on to who I was. I could go on about how I didn't have family to support me and help me through my mourning, or how my friends abandoned me when things got tough. I could rant about a lot of things, but the truth is that I was weak. Weak in mind, body and spirit. I have always been weak; it's the one thing about me that didn't change after she died. She gave me strength. She showed me how beautiful the world could be, when all I had was a grim, ugly life that I probably wouldn't have survived without her. Sometimes it takes hours for all of this to go through my grief-stricken mind. Sometimes it takes seconds and comes without warning, like a tornado. The result is always the same: I glance in the mirror and close my eyes long enough to remember what she looked like last time I saw her alive. Then I either have a mini nervous breakdown, complete with a panic attack, or I go completely numb. I'm not sure what the point in writing this is. To rant? Share my pain? As a distraction? I don't know. But I know it's long, so thank you to anyone who reads it.

Hello everyone I was never a member of YWBB. I signed up, but my account was never activated. I'm glad a new site was opened. I've looked around a little, and everyone here seems very friendly. I'm not sure if I'll post often, but it's nice having a site to go where people understand some of the things I've gone through. My wife Kara and I were on our way home from visiting some of her relatives. It was late, we were both tired and a little grumpy, and we still had a couple of hours before we made it home. The thing I remember most about that night, maybe what haunts me most, is that we had just gotten into an argument. Kara didn't want to travel so late at all: Fast and slightly dangerous storms hit the area we were in at that time of year, and she never liked driving in the rain. I wouldn't listen though. I had reasons for wanting to get home, reasons that don't matter and never really did. She was right, and me being wrong cost her her life. All I really remember is waking up and seeing lightning cut the sky, hearing thunder like bombs going off. Rain fell on the cracked windshield at a steady pace. There was so much noise and pain and fear in those first seconds. It was overwhelming. I looked to the passenger seat, and I might have called my wife's name... Then I saw her: Her head tilted towards me, with her dark hair covering part of her face. There was just enough light from the lightning and broken headlight to see that her eyes were closed. She was gone. I knew she was gone...I just knew. That was 4 years ago. I've lived a hard life, and gone through some truly nightmarish things. But that was the worst night of my life. I have never had many friends, and I lost them all after my wife's death. I didn't have close family that cared if I lived or died. We didn't have children. We would have; she was pregnant when she died. I was alone, and it made everything more difficult. I didn't deal with her death very well. I isolated myself from the world, stayed in my house alone every day for years. I couldn't live life without her. It's not an exaggeration to say that she was the only person who ever cared about me at that point. She was my world. I didn't want to live without her. I hated myself. I still blame myself. When you spend years with someone you love, they're more than just part of your life, more than a partner and friend. They become part of you. Kara was part of me; the best part. When I slept I would dream of her: sometimes nightmares about the accident, sometimes bittersweet dreams of happier times. They were all reminders that she was gone, and I was just a empty shell without her. The guilt, sadness, nightmares and pain were more than enough to cause suicidal feelings. The loneliness made everything worse. The only person who was always there to put her arms around me and tell me that everything would be okay was gone. Without her, there was only silence. It filled every waking second. The drone of the TV or music didn't drown out the screaming in my head for long. Looking back, I now realize that only another human voice, a caring and friendly voice, could have calmed the storm in my mind. But I didn't believe I deserved to be around another person, even if there had been anyone. I suffered alone in that screaming silence. Kara was one of the kindest and most compassionate people I have ever known. Her life was about helping those in need. It didn't matter who or what their problems were, she was always there for friends and strangers who needed help. I still have problems, like everyone does. But things are much better for me than they were. I look forward to the future again, I have plans and dreams. I live my life in a way that I hope Kara would be proud of. I know she wouldn't want me to suffer... I found love again. I didn't think it was possible that I would, and definitely didn't believe that anyone would ever love me. I do love her, with all my heart. We're in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting her down, because I can't be there with her right now. I want to be, more than anything. But I can't. After years, I'm still trying to build a new life. Part of that is because I didn't try for so many years, and the rest of it... I don't know... Maybe I'm just not good enough. I can't work as hard as I could when I was younger. I'm overwhelmed by stress and bills. I get lonely sometimes. I fall into depression, and it takes days to crawl back out of again. I've been depressed for the past few days, probably due to nightmares, lack of decent sleep and stress. I admit that I've wondered a couple of times lately if my girlfriend would be better off with my life insurance policy than she would be with me. I'm not going to give in to my darker moments. I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't give up. I already feel like I let Kara down, I'm not going to disappoint another woman I love, not if I can help it. Things get so hard though, and I don't always feel strong enough to get through it. Anyway...that's part of my story. I'm glad this site is here.