Mizpah

Just popping in to add: I’m not sure where you all are at geographically, but $850/month for childcare is not exorbitant where I am, and I’m not in a major metropolitan area. I wouldn’t want to put my kid somewhere cheaper. Childcare is probably THE thing to splurge on, even when we can’t afford it, as we literally put their lives in someone else’s hands. Angered to see that someone who frontloaded that they’re struggling with feelings of shame was shamed here and that unkindness and judgy, uninformed moral self-righteousness was passed off as bluntness. Did you think that was helpful? Was kind? It takes a friggin’ village. I’m not even a single mom (a widower and I have a kid together) and it’s hard and requires assistance. In my view, if the family I raise doesn’t see that helping one another when we can is love, I’ve failed.

Anyone know how she's doing? I can't get her out of my mind.

This is horrific. To say I'm sorry to hear this seems so small and stupid in the face of something so nightmarish and unbearable, as to be almost offensive. Devastated for her.

I met the now-father-of-my-only-child when I was two years out and he was six months out. We were just supposed to be friends, but it got complicated. He truly wasn't ready even though he pursued, and it was basically a disaster for a long time, but we made it to bluer skies. Our relationship and the course of it defied a lot of conventional wisdom, so I have little advice to give that can be general. It's all so subjective and individual and specific to the two people involved. If he's made the decision to date, he's more likely to be ready than my NG was at the time - where we just kinda fell into circumstances. It was really hard for me - I found it harder to be with a widower than I found it to be a widow in a new relationship. My feelings on that seem not to be common though.

Later on, time will ease the insanely unbearable acuteness of the pain. But that's for later, and it will happen gradually over large periods of time, in my experience. Seven weeks feels like an eternity, I know, but it was months before I felt like I could survive the pain - I don't recall most of the first five months, and that is a mercy. It will not always hurt in this way. It changes. It becomes easier to live with, though I know that feels impossible right now, and perhaps even undesirable. I'm wishing you moments of comfort

People try. People flail. Some people fail terribly at comforting. I was 32 when I lost DH, and I got *lots* and lots of, "You're still young! You'll find someone!" Like my problem was that I was looking for someone and worried I'd be alone. Wrong situation, people! I was mourning The One I wanted to be with. I might be with someone one day, but DH would never be alive again, so WTF were they talking about?! I very quickly adopted a "nod and smile" approach, because it was easier, and later a "take pearls of wisdom where you find them" approach, because in truth, every now and then, some idiot who said something like that guy you're talking about also said one thing among stupid things that just hit me like one little ray of light or wisdom. Reject what is not helpful and keep what is. I'm now 7 1/2 years out, and I'm recoupled, and I can now say, outside of the haze of grief, that the people who were saying I'm young and will find someone were right, because I did, but they were also so so wrong in thinking that that mattered or soothed or had anything to do with what I was going through at the time. It hurt more to hear that kind of shit than it would to have heard nothing. But they meant well. There are two parts to grief, in my opinion: your own loss of DH and all your plans and love, and your DH's loss of life, of everything, that you mourn on his behalf. I didn't care that I could one day be ok, because he could not. Over time, long periods of time, years, very very gradually, I came to understand and be able to articulate how I now feel: It will never be ok, but I am. For now you are not, and that is ok, it is natural. It is unbearable. And somehow you will bear it. Thinking of you.

I tend to shy away from bright-line rules and absolute "if...then"s (here: if you're comparing, you're not ready for dating). I think it's unnatural to never compare relationships. We only know what we know, and what we know best is our own relationships, and so we do compare - our past relationships help illuminate what we do and do not want. I tend to compare my present negatively to my positive past relationship(s) or to DH when things aren't going well in my current life. So for me, and I know everyone is different, it hasn't indicated that I'm not ready, but that there's something about my present that is making me unhappy, etc. It doesn't surprise me that the conclusion you arrived at is that this situation wasn't what you want. When I'm doing well and happy with how things are going, I look back fondly on what I had less, not because it was less good or I love DH less, but because I'm in the present and the present is good, too. When things are going well in my relationship, the goodness is similar in feeling to what I had with DH - not because the men are the same, but because I had harmony and fulfillment with him, and harmony and fulfillment feel good - between any two people. Comparisons aren't always terrible.

This situation sounds really unfair and like you're being taken advantage of, and like he's kinda passively surrendering partnership/adult responsibility. I think you need to talk to him and communicate your expectation that household work will be shared, a team thing.

CHM, I've been meaning to respond and was at a loss for words. Know that I'm thinking of you. It's a lot of compounded feelings and grievings, a significant time for you. I was just reading a book that talked extremely briefly about philosophy and the idea of "suffering into truth." I hope that through this suffering, there's some silver lining or soul sustenance you find. Thinking of you and wishing for good things for you.

As someone who's been in a years-long relationship with a man who shares a child (my kid's half-sibling) with a highly malicious and unstable individual, for what it's worth, I recommend against delving too deeply into the why's and how's of the way she is. The deeper you go, the more in her dark and twisty BS you are. There's nothing good there for you, even in analyzing and attempting to understand. For me, what's worked best is minimizing exposure as much as possible, and that includes voluntary mental exposure - just thinking about her. I blocked her on my phone and social media, she's not permitted in our home, she and I do not communicate, she and NG have only what communication is necessary, and I limit my communication with him about her to what affects our lives.

For me, this is very true. I think I mistakenly perceived myself to be "ready," but upon thinking about it right now, I believe it was actually anger rather than readiness. I was 32 when DH died, and we were about to start a family. Suddenly, it was two years later and my life was completely paralyzed. Don't get me wrong - I think grieving and mourning and processing are absolutely essential. But my LIFE had not progressed (how could it? I was devastated) and I was angry, not just at what he had lost, but at what it had done to my life. Two years thrown into a black hole. I think I was ready - for a big change, for new meaning, for SOMETHING, for MORE.... And I met NG. I didn't think I'd ever have feelings again, let alone the strong, intense feelings I had for him, and that he seemed to reciprocate. He wasn't ready either, at only a tad more than six months (only a few f'ing months!). (Looking back, it's insane that we managed to stay together the first couple years.) We were the poster children for what NOT to do as widow(er)s recoupling. I was very, VERY sad, surrounded by DH photos and letters, etc. NG was in denial about all feelings except anger, of which he had an abundance, including toward me, and compared me to DW without realizing or being able to care about the long-term damage it would do. I was consumed with jealousy toward his DW, while also missing DH terribly and always feeling like NG made me miserable in comparison to the joy DH brought me. We were MESSES. We were screwed up messes. I thought I was ready, but I definitely was not. He knew he wasn't ready, and definitely was not. But neither of us was willing or able to take the risk of losing one another to the chances of time and life apart, I guess, because we stayed together, and here we are - a good life, an undeniable love (and a pretty great child of ours). So what is readiness? It kinda reminds me of when a woman asks a friend about an article of clothing or a shade of makeup: "Can I pull this off?" Well, you can pull of whatever you choose to pull off. We weren't ready, but we embarked, and it's been thus far (painful and insane, as life is, and at least somewhat) successful. We weren't ready, but maybe we were, because we chose to be. I don't know. I could explore this, but I'll stop and spare you all my philosophical musings....

Sounds like they need to get to court ASAP and have a very clear custody arrangement hammered out. I'm with someone who has a kid with a very difficult, malicious person - get it official, get it clear, get it on paper, get it done, that's my advice.

When DH died, I bought the plot next to him. I'm now in the process of trying to sell it back. Mostly, it's because I don't want my kid (with NG) to think I loved some man she never knew more than her father, and that I don't want her to have to travel hundreds of miles to bury me or visit my grave if she chooses to (I've moved since DH died). Part of it is that I don't want to hurt NG (though I'm not sure he actually cares, or would admit it if he did more like). Part of it is that I don't really care myself, so would rather accommodate the potential wishes of the living against the clear wishes of the dead (I'm 200% sure DH would want me buried next to him). As the girlfriend of a widower, I can understand why your fiancee felt/feels hurt. I'm not sure that's something I'd ever get over, honestly. I want to be the one NG wants to spend eternity with, whatever that means. It means nothing to me, so I just really wouldn't want him to want to spend eternity with someone else.....

Yes, and I'm excited for you! I fully believed I would never have feelings for someone again. I even had a few-months'-long mini-relationship with a really great guy for whom I had zero feelings, which only reinforced my opinion. When I met NG (at two years out), I was in shock (for months?). The first time I hung out with him, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, kinda like, "WTF is going on?!" I Can Feel Again is exactly it. I know it's scary, but try to let yourself enjoy it. As my therapist back then said, "Allow yourself good feelings."

Ok, this guy sounds incredibly nuts and offensive and just plain WRONG in words and actions, and I am *NOT* going to defend him, what he said, or what he did. BUT. In general, I think we as widow(er)s tend to dismiss the level of difficulty facing those who take on a relationship with a widow(er). We dismiss it as insecurity. We dismiss the situation as not threatening. I'm telling you this honestly: it's been much harder for me to be in a relationship with a widower than it has for me to be a widow in a relationship. I don't think of myself as unusually insecure. And I know she's not coming back. But I don't just want to have him just because I'm alive and she's dead. I want his heart as well. I don't want to feel second in that department (even if DH will always be so much to me - I know it's hypocritical - I didn't say it would be logically sound, I just said I'd be honest). When I'm at NG's sister's, and I see photos of NG and DW together, it hurts (even though it's possible my family has photos of me and DH around (again, being honest here even if nonsensical or hypocritical). I don't really want to celebrate another woman he loved (loves - will love forever) or see her as what made him who he is. And at times I do feel threatened by his love for her. I think anyone saying otherwise isn't being fully honest with themselves. (I know many will disagree with that.) I have DH's name tattooed on me. I used to think very flippantly - hey, any future partner will have ME - life with me, my body, my partnership - and all DH has is this tattoo and he's dead and buried, so f'ing deal. I see it very differently now. I don't regret my tattoo (and that's not the point here at all), but I can't imagine being with me, I can't imagine being with someone who has someone else's name tattooed on body and heart. It's not competition. But it can be a shadow. A nagging shadow, doubt, fear - a photo facing you that you want to turn over and not see. I get wanting to be #1 to someone and fearing you are not. NG has said to me that I am #1 because I'm alive. (Clearly, we've discussed this.) But I don't want to be #1 just because I'm alive. I want more than that. I want to be #1, period. (And again, saying this knowing full well that NG could feel the same way, and that DH will always be... DH.)