Mizpah

Just popping in to add: I’m not sure where you all are at geographically, but $850/month for childcare is not exorbitant where I am, and I’m not in a major metropolitan area. I wouldn’t want to put my kid somewhere cheaper. Childcare is probably THE thing to splurge on, even when we can’t afford it, as we literally put their lives in someone else’s hands. Angered to see that someone who frontloaded that they’re struggling with feelings of shame was shamed here and that unkindness and judgy, uninformed moral self-righteousness was passed off as bluntness. Did you think that was helpful? Was kind? It takes a friggin’ village. I’m not even a single mom (a widower and I have a kid together) and it’s hard and requires assistance. In my view, if the family I raise doesn’t see that helping one another when we can is love, I’ve failed.

Anyone know how she's doing? I can't get her out of my mind.

This is horrific. To say I'm sorry to hear this seems so small and stupid in the face of something so nightmarish and unbearable, as to be almost offensive. Devastated for her.

I met the now-father-of-my-only-child when I was two years out and he was six months out. We were just supposed to be friends, but it got complicated. He truly wasn't ready even though he pursued, and it was basically a disaster for a long time, but we made it to bluer skies. Our relationship and the course of it defied a lot of conventional wisdom, so I have little advice to give that can be general. It's all so subjective and individual and specific to the two people involved. If he's made the decision to date, he's more likely to be ready than my NG was at the time - where we just kinda fell into circumstances. It was really hard for me - I found it harder to be with a widower than I found it to be a widow in a new relationship. My feelings on that seem not to be common though.

Later on, time will ease the insanely unbearable acuteness of the pain. But that's for later, and it will happen gradually over large periods of time, in my experience. Seven weeks feels like an eternity, I know, but it was months before I felt like I could survive the pain - I don't recall most of the first five months, and that is a mercy. It will not always hurt in this way. It changes. It becomes easier to live with, though I know that feels impossible right now, and perhaps even undesirable. I'm wishing you moments of comfort

People try. People flail. Some people fail terribly at comforting. I was 32 when I lost DH, and I got *lots* and lots of, "You're still young! You'll find someone!" Like my problem was that I was looking for someone and worried I'd be alone. Wrong situation, people! I was mourning The One I wanted to be with. I might be with someone one day, but DH would never be alive again, so WTF were they talking about?! I very quickly adopted a "nod and smile" approach, because it was easier, and later a "take pearls of wisdom where you find them" approach, because in truth, every now and then, some idiot who said something like that guy you're talking about also said one thing among stupid things that just hit me like one little ray of light or wisdom. Reject what is not helpful and keep what is. I'm now 7 1/2 years out, and I'm recoupled, and I can now say, outside of the haze of grief, that the people who were saying I'm young and will find someone were right, because I did, but they were also so so wrong in thinking that that mattered or soothed or had anything to do with what I was going through at the time. It hurt more to hear that kind of shit than it would to have heard nothing. But they meant well. There are two parts to grief, in my opinion: your own loss of DH and all your plans and love, and your DH's loss of life, of everything, that you mourn on his behalf. I didn't care that I could one day be ok, because he could not. Over time, long periods of time, years, very very gradually, I came to understand and be able to articulate how I now feel: It will never be ok, but I am. For now you are not, and that is ok, it is natural. It is unbearable. And somehow you will bear it. Thinking of you.

I tend to shy away from bright-line rules and absolute "if...then"s (here: if you're comparing, you're not ready for dating). I think it's unnatural to never compare relationships. We only know what we know, and what we know best is our own relationships, and so we do compare - our past relationships help illuminate what we do and do not want. I tend to compare my present negatively to my positive past relationship(s) or to DH when things aren't going well in my current life. So for me, and I know everyone is different, it hasn't indicated that I'm not ready, but that there's something about my present that is making me unhappy, etc. It doesn't surprise me that the conclusion you arrived at is that this situation wasn't what you want. When I'm doing well and happy with how things are going, I look back fondly on what I had less, not because it was less good or I love DH less, but because I'm in the present and the present is good, too. When things are going well in my relationship, the goodness is similar in feeling to what I had with DH - not because the men are the same, but because I had harmony and fulfillment with him, and harmony and fulfillment feel good - between any two people. Comparisons aren't always terrible.

This situation sounds really unfair and like you're being taken advantage of, and like he's kinda passively surrendering partnership/adult responsibility. I think you need to talk to him and communicate your expectation that household work will be shared, a team thing.

CHM, I've been meaning to respond and was at a loss for words. Know that I'm thinking of you. It's a lot of compounded feelings and grievings, a significant time for you. I was just reading a book that talked extremely briefly about philosophy and the idea of "suffering into truth." I hope that through this suffering, there's some silver lining or soul sustenance you find. Thinking of you and wishing for good things for you.

As someone who's been in a years-long relationship with a man who shares a child (my kid's half-sibling) with a highly malicious and unstable individual, for what it's worth, I recommend against delving too deeply into the why's and how's of the way she is. The deeper you go, the more in her dark and twisty BS you are. There's nothing good there for you, even in analyzing and attempting to understand. For me, what's worked best is minimizing exposure as much as possible, and that includes voluntary mental exposure - just thinking about her. I blocked her on my phone and social media, she's not permitted in our home, she and I do not communicate, she and NG have only what communication is necessary, and I limit my communication with him about her to what affects our lives.

For me, this is very true. I think I mistakenly perceived myself to be "ready," but upon thinking about it right now, I believe it was actually anger rather than readiness. I was 32 when DH died, and we were about to start a family. Suddenly, it was two years later and my life was completely paralyzed. Don't get me wrong - I think grieving and mourning and processing are absolutely essential. But my LIFE had not progressed (how could it? I was devastated) and I was angry, not just at what he had lost, but at what it had done to my life. Two years thrown into a black hole. I think I was ready - for a big change, for new meaning, for SOMETHING, for MORE.... And I met NG. I didn't think I'd ever have feelings again, let alone the strong, intense feelings I had for him, and that he seemed to reciprocate. He wasn't ready either, at only a tad more than six months (only a few f'ing months!). (Looking back, it's insane that we managed to stay together the first couple years.) We were the poster children for what NOT to do as widow(er)s recoupling. I was very, VERY sad, surrounded by DH photos and letters, etc. NG was in denial about all feelings except anger, of which he had an abundance, including toward me, and compared me to DW without realizing or being able to care about the long-term damage it would do. I was consumed with jealousy toward his DW, while also missing DH terribly and always feeling like NG made me miserable in comparison to the joy DH brought me. We were MESSES. We were screwed up messes. I thought I was ready, but I definitely was not. He knew he wasn't ready, and definitely was not. But neither of us was willing or able to take the risk of losing one another to the chances of time and life apart, I guess, because we stayed together, and here we are - a good life, an undeniable love (and a pretty great child of ours). So what is readiness? It kinda reminds me of when a woman asks a friend about an article of clothing or a shade of makeup: "Can I pull this off?" Well, you can pull of whatever you choose to pull off. We weren't ready, but we embarked, and it's been thus far (painful and insane, as life is, and at least somewhat) successful. We weren't ready, but maybe we were, because we chose to be. I don't know. I could explore this, but I'll stop and spare you all my philosophical musings....

Sounds like they need to get to court ASAP and have a very clear custody arrangement hammered out. I'm with someone who has a kid with a very difficult, malicious person - get it official, get it clear, get it on paper, get it done, that's my advice.

When DH died, I bought the plot next to him. I'm now in the process of trying to sell it back. Mostly, it's because I don't want my kid (with NG) to think I loved some man she never knew more than her father, and that I don't want her to have to travel hundreds of miles to bury me or visit my grave if she chooses to (I've moved since DH died). Part of it is that I don't want to hurt NG (though I'm not sure he actually cares, or would admit it if he did more like). Part of it is that I don't really care myself, so would rather accommodate the potential wishes of the living against the clear wishes of the dead (I'm 200% sure DH would want me buried next to him). As the girlfriend of a widower, I can understand why your fiancee felt/feels hurt. I'm not sure that's something I'd ever get over, honestly. I want to be the one NG wants to spend eternity with, whatever that means. It means nothing to me, so I just really wouldn't want him to want to spend eternity with someone else.....

Yes, and I'm excited for you! I fully believed I would never have feelings for someone again. I even had a few-months'-long mini-relationship with a really great guy for whom I had zero feelings, which only reinforced my opinion. When I met NG (at two years out), I was in shock (for months?). The first time I hung out with him, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, kinda like, "WTF is going on?!" I Can Feel Again is exactly it. I know it's scary, but try to let yourself enjoy it. As my therapist back then said, "Allow yourself good feelings."

Ok, this guy sounds incredibly nuts and offensive and just plain WRONG in words and actions, and I am *NOT* going to defend him, what he said, or what he did. BUT. In general, I think we as widow(er)s tend to dismiss the level of difficulty facing those who take on a relationship with a widow(er). We dismiss it as insecurity. We dismiss the situation as not threatening. I'm telling you this honestly: it's been much harder for me to be in a relationship with a widower than it has for me to be a widow in a relationship. I don't think of myself as unusually insecure. And I know she's not coming back. But I don't just want to have him just because I'm alive and she's dead. I want his heart as well. I don't want to feel second in that department (even if DH will always be so much to me - I know it's hypocritical - I didn't say it would be logically sound, I just said I'd be honest). When I'm at NG's sister's, and I see photos of NG and DW together, it hurts (even though it's possible my family has photos of me and DH around (again, being honest here even if nonsensical or hypocritical). I don't really want to celebrate another woman he loved (loves - will love forever) or see her as what made him who he is. And at times I do feel threatened by his love for her. I think anyone saying otherwise isn't being fully honest with themselves. (I know many will disagree with that.) I have DH's name tattooed on me. I used to think very flippantly - hey, any future partner will have ME - life with me, my body, my partnership - and all DH has is this tattoo and he's dead and buried, so f'ing deal. I see it very differently now. I don't regret my tattoo (and that's not the point here at all), but I can't imagine being with me, I can't imagine being with someone who has someone else's name tattooed on body and heart. It's not competition. But it can be a shadow. A nagging shadow, doubt, fear - a photo facing you that you want to turn over and not see. I get wanting to be #1 to someone and fearing you are not. NG has said to me that I am #1 because I'm alive. (Clearly, we've discussed this.) But I don't want to be #1 just because I'm alive. I want more than that. I want to be #1, period. (And again, saying this knowing full well that NG could feel the same way, and that DH will always be... DH.)

Ok, I laughed out loud at this: "I have pretty good taste in people (which is why I like very few of them.)" But also: it's great to be resilient and strong and all that, but don't minimize unkindness in (even potential) partner/intimate relationships for you. Maybe it's entitled for us to think we "deserve" happiness, but it is NOT entitlement to expect/demand kindness. Any person can endure some "small scrapes and bumps," they're just part of life. Being subjected to unkindness is more than that. It hurts because it's painful, and it should be, because that pain signifies to us to GTFO, in exactly the same way feeling a burn tells us to remove our hand from over the flame. You DO deserve better than that! If you want to be dating, don't let one @$$hole scare you off. I'm sorry you're hurting. Big hugs.

Today would've been my and DH's 10th anniversary, but instead it's my and NG's 5th. (With 364 other days in the year, how does this happen?!) The only-three years DH and I spent together were so little objectively speaking, so short. It's been my shortest relationship (his longest - but he was so young, so very young). And yet we packed a whole lifetime of love and life into those years somehow. I doubt I'll ever feel that close to someone, that there could ever be so much mutual understanding between people. This past decade has been a whirlwind. I think I have some emotional/identity whiplash or chaos inside. I'm trying to catch myself up to my life. Life doesn't seem to allow time for dust to settle. I feel like some time as a nun or a Buddhist monk or something could do me some good - cloistered, away, alone, some silence and solitude and stillness to try to make sense of life, being, personhood, attachment, love, death, existence..... But there is no pause button.

Beginning of much-needed healing for sure! Can I suggest you put on Beyonce's Irreplaceable for a while you pack? Good riddance to bad rubbish! Sending you all my best wishes for healing and peace and wholeness. xoxoxo

Wow, what a piece of work! I'm so sorry. I was cheated on by someone I was with for nearly a decade, and I'm sorry to say that, for me, it took a long time to heal and adjust from. DH came next, and while I was completely over the individual, I wasn't near "over" what had occurred. If you can afford it, I strongly suggest you go to therapy. As for outing him, I chanted in my head after the ex: "He is irrelevant, I am my center." It's really hard to disentangle when things are so wrong and unjust, but I think the sooner you cut ties from it, the better. Let him recede into your rear view mirror as quickly as possible. Engaging feels good in the immediate, but once that wears off, you're still stuck, when you could be further out from it all. (In my case, his (and her) friends and family realized what had occurred when he and his now-wife celebrated their anniversary and did the really obvious backward count, straight into time when he and I were together....) You may trust again. I have, now more than once. I hope you will, too.

I can really relate to this, but for me it's not so much a return. I think I've had a lot of rage ever since and it never abated, but just was waiting for circumstances to "poke the bear." For me, my anger flares when I have no control or feel I have no control. When I feel trapped. When I don't have options. When I feel like I'm at the mercy of someone else's schedule or selfish decisions. When I don't have freedom. When I don't have a choice. Even when someone else is driving and I feel scared: rage. It doesn't feel good, and I don't really know how to stop it at present. I wonder if it's tied to the lack of control in DH dying. I don't know. I suppose I have nothing helpful, but I sympathize.

I've always differed from the widow consensus on this one, except in the very beginning and for different reasons. In the beginning, I didn't want the pressure to be strong. I wanted to be able to completely fall apart into the devastation I felt. How is being strong in the face of something unbearable to be lauded? It's false. After the immediate, though, I came to embrace my own inner fortitude, the strength in being emotionally honest, the strength in loving someone gone and carrying who they are in us and honoring them with our lives, the strength in recreating a life where ours were razed to the ground. We may not have had a choice, but we can be proud of how we've fared. I've learned to take a compliment, and give myself some - hell yeah, I'm strong. I didn't want to be. I had to be, and I was and am.

You've mentioned being part of a very specific/small culture or class system (I've gotta admit, I'm confused and curious), so I'm not sure how much of this is cultural, but as I read these most recent quotes you've reported from him, my reaction is: "Yuck." His statements sound insulting to her and to you, and not at all attractive or compelling. (Again, not sure how much of this is due to culture or what gender roles are like in your society.) It sounds like he is being pursued before he is ready, or he is pursuing before he is ready. This doesn't sound like courtship or romance. My opinion - you deserve better. She deserves better. He should grieve and come out when he's ready to treat women better than this.

There is nothing like freedom. It feels so good. An interesting time for you for sure - keep us updated on where it leads you. (From one having a hard transition from freedom to motherhood, I'll take little bits of vicarious living! )

Oh, Duckie! Yay! I love this! And hey, independent or not, it's lovely to have someone to lean on and talk to. Of COURSE it makes things easier to bear and makes you happier than you'd otherwise be. No shame in that! I'm so happy for you! xoxoxo

This sounds hurtful. I'm in a relationship with a widower, and he was new when we first started out. He was six months, I was a year and a half. He told me he had nothing to give anyone, but all the other things he said were the opposite, his actions were the opposite. He was seeing someone when we met, but nearly immediately stopped, never expressed any confusion or indecision. And even given that, it has been HARD. There has been hurt and pain. We are all colored by our own experiences, and my experiences push me to tell you: RUN!!!! Not because he's a widower, not because he's a new widower, but because he's sharing with you his thought process about whether or not he's gonna choose you. Being a widower and a new widower is going to make this hard enough even if he's 100% into you. I don't want to be with someone who's maybe going to propose to someone else and can't decide if I'm for him. That sounds too much like rejection. I want someone who is totally into me, even if they have problems. I don't want to hear someone else is perfect, and I certainly don't want to hear about whether or not he wants to touch someone else. Maybe it's just me, but if there's a third party involved, I decide not to be. That being said, I understand that we are f'ed up early in, and I understand that chemistry is not always easy to come by between two people. That being said, this guy sounds (unintentionally) destructive. Just my opinion based on the little information.