MrsDan

.

.

.

.

.

 

Yeah, it is hard. But, try to look at it from his viewpoint (as he should also look at it from yours) too. After yesterday's blow up, I'll bet he feels he has two cranky women to deal with.

This absolutely hands down one of the most offensive things you've ever posted here, and that's saying a lot. Advocating for your emotional needs and what you think will ensure a healthy relationship is not being cranky. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic to use a grief group as a vehicle for vocalizing an obvious disdain for women. 

If there is a way that your NG can come to an understanding that he is allowing her to use the children as weapons, that being nice to her is not going to change that, maybe it will be ugly for a minute but then life goes on. It is a tough place to be in.

This hits it; she is using the kids to get to him, and he is encouraging that bad behavior. And anyone who would use their kids as weapons is seriously messed up and is not going to change. I find it interesting that he says he has trouble saying no to people; he certainly has no trouble saying no to daysofelijah, when she is expressing her needs. The relationship with the ex is over. There is no need for him to have any involvement with her that doesn't directly involve her kids.

So I came across this one guy online several months back.  He thought the hour distance would be too much.  I understood so we wished each other well and that was that.  Then last week I get a message from him.  Says he keeps coming back to my profile.  Can I rethink things and can we get to know each other?  I agree and we move from site to text.  He's a chemical patent attorney and he gives me his whole name as well as a link to the company he works for.  He said go ahead and call the direct line, so I do.  That's the point I've gotten to these days.  Right away I want to find out if you're real or not so I don't waste any time.  So he's very nice looking, accomplished and real.  So we begin to text and pretty quickly he asks me to dinner for Friday night (this is Tuesday).  There is some flirtatious banter and we move to Wednesday.  More texting and flirting and he now starts to up the game a little bit.  Lots of text messages laced with sexual innuendos. I make a general comment about it and we move into Thursday.  He greets me with "Hi Sexy" and I tell him I just got done working out so definitely not sexy.  He says something along the lines of "that's great you work out...you can be my workout partner and spot me when I bench press.  You'll need to lean over really far tho".  I immediately feel ICK and change the subject.  He goes quiet the rest of the day so I check in for our dinner date on Friday.  Ask him if it's still on.  He says yes and I comment that I was just making sure since this is a dating site and people blow hot and cold.  Of course he responds "We'll discuss blowing later and stop being naughty at work".  Now I'm really ICKed out and I call him on it.  Tell him we don't know each other and it's making me uncomfortable.  He responds that he needs to think about what I texted (jackass....think about what?  The fact that you're a douchebag?) then texts me later and cancels dinner stating that he likes to flirt and joke around and that if he can't be himself then he needs to pass on dinner.  Of course I tell him ok and take care!  I ask another male attorney friend of mine and he summed it up like this:

 

He just wanted to bang you.  He wasn't even slightly interested in you or your feelings. 

 

Of course I knew this but it was nice to hear it confirmed from another attorney and all around good guy.

 

NEXT!

Gross. This story reminded me of my third date with my boyfriend. I'd invited him to my Museum to see an exhibition I thought he'd like. We went to a nearby cafe for lunch and as we were leaving, a bit of melted ice fell and landed on my shoulder. He brushed it off. It was such a sweet gesture and I was starting to really like him and it was really endearing. I told him that later, how nice that was. He told me he wasn't sure, he thought it might be too much, too soon. (BTW, I made the first move.) I don't understand why so many guys don't get how off putting the aggressiveness is. Or maybe they do, and are just impatient.

I still fuck fuck fucking HATE Father's day.

 

 

On top of it all, when I called my mom to tell her, I got a sort of 'you will be all right and let me tell you about my day' reaction. Really?

 

I had no idea we were long lost sisters! Seriously, that type of behavior is one of the biggest reasons I do not have a relationship of any substance with my mother. Regardless of whether or not it is as serious as you fear, you're is real and that is distressing for you. I'm sending positiove thought's your way. 

Congratulations!

It's interesting to me that a lot of the opinions given on this thread, and similar ones operate from the assumption that sex purely for sex's sake is automatically cheap. I don't agree. Although it's not really my cup of tea, it's not a bad thing. Being cool with it, or wanting it, does not equate to a lack of self respect. That's just really simplistic reasoning.

Op, this guy just sounds like a tease. That's not a reflection on you, it's on him. I think you should forget about him. But don't let it tarnish your view of yourself.

This past weekend we went to Dan's brother's Coast Guard retirement. BF gets along really well with Dan's family. It's more like my family, as I have basically no relationship with my own. But he made no attempts to hold my hand, I finally reached for it partway through the ceremony. He was also a lot let affectionate. I wonder if he felt like it was more respectful because of the setting. I don't think he was uncomfortable being there, he's been to Dan's family events before. Dan's sister was there with her new baby and he held him more than I did!

Unrelated to relationships but i am a museum curator and history museums are america's dumping ground for people's stuff. People think they're doing something charitable, but what they don't realize is we have very limited resources to deal with this stuff and we can only collect what is within our collecting scope. It has to have research and exhibition value. And quite frankly, I have a great deal of training and experience in order to make that determination that the average person does not have. Yet people try to tell me, you need to preserve this, this is really important. Nine times out of ten, the answer is no, it really isn't. We don't collect memorabilia, we collect artifacts. HUGE difference. And just because something is old does not me it's historically significant, or in scope.

Sorry for the rant. Honestly Tybec, I think it's a little unreasonable of your NG to want you to purge your home of those things while your son is there. It's your son's home too. I've been thinking of moving say, the giant engagement picture of Dan and I to K's room. But there will always be pictures there.

My BF's daughter lives in another state. She is here every other weekend. Yesterday we were talking about how we don't want her to think her times here are visits. We want her to think of it as her MI home and her IL home. If BF ever moves in, that means his daughter should have things that make it feel like home to her. That may include having pictures of her mom, and let me tell you, I loathe that woman. But i wouldn't feel comfortable with her feeling like she has to confine those images to her room.

I feel more comfortable adding pictures than taking others away. So i have pictures of my boyfriend and  i along side pictures of Dan and I. But there will always be images of Dan in my home. Even when K moves out. He is part of me. I need BF to understand it, and I think he does.

Ugh, that is just horrible. The only way i would not follow through on the date would be if they were being offensive or sexually aggressive or something like that. But appearance? I really didn't go on a lot of dates before I met my boyfriend, but the ones i did where there was no spark, at least we had a nice conversation. And let me tell you, I was busy. I mean, even if you know it will go nowhere,what does it really cost a person to give an hour or two?

 

What you're saying, serpico, and what Portside said are not the same.  I get being anti-stir, but you stated a counterpoint in an objective way, an actual concern: casual sex can damage a person psychologically.  Ok, something to think about maybe.  TOTALLY different than saying what you have to lose is your self-respect.  That's judgment and shaming. 

 

An important distinction. I had sex sooner than i'd planned too, and in retrospect that could have ended badly for me. Not because of my health (you know, condoms) or my self respect. But the fact is I did develop feelings I didn't anticipate, and had they not been reciprocated, yeah, it would have been emotionally difficult. But that's not the same as shame.

walking holding hands                              1

walking arm around shoulder or waist        1

peck on the cheek or lips                            1

staring into each others eyes                      1

really kissing                                              5

Sitting on their lap or vice versa                  5

My boyfriend is really affectionate. We hold hands when we go listen to music, or see a movie, or spend time with his family. In public, it's very sweet so I don't see anything inappropriate. We only get to see each other a few times a week, so I'm not going to avoid being affectionate because other people are around. Life is too short. Sitting on the lap I put 5 because well, I'm 40 and would feel silly. I also think deep kissing in public isn't appropriate. That's such a personal thing. But pecks, hugs, shoulder rubs I'm completely comfortable with. Being affectionate in front of our kids isn't really an issue. He and his daughter's mother broke up before she was born, and my DD was only three months old when Dan died. So neither of them has memories of their other parent that we need to be sensitive to. We did hold off in front of my daughter, because we wanted her to be comfortable with the relationship. But I think it's important to model healthy loving relationships for our kids. 

Maybe it's time BF went back to court to get his daughter out of the nut house.  Obviously her parents are not any help.  Why should she have to suffer the craziness of her mother.  Doesn't sound very fair to me.

This is often a lot easier said than done. SB's NG is fortunate in that his daughter is old enough to have a say. But for younger children winning physical custody away from one parent is tough, and expensive. Like, upwards of tens of thousands of dollars. And being emotionally abusive or just a shitty person, that won't cut it. The burden of proof is extraordinarily high. In my opinion, the system places the rights of the parents over the rights of the child.

Every time there is an issue with one parent being non-compliant, whether it's involving parenting time, scheduling, providing information or whatever, the other parent has to file a motion, which is a few hundred dollars right there. Both have to pay, even the party who has been denied their rights. Everything, discovery and all that, it costs money. What galls me is all the money being wasted by parents who want to cock block, that is all money that could be spent on the kids. It's crazy.

Oh and for those wanting to try yoga but are self conscious, I have an app on my phone called Down Dog. I really like it because I can do it in private, and can set the difficulty, and it's easy to pause and go back if I need to. I paid a little extra to get the version that lets you target certain areas because I use it to help with my pain, but the standard free app is fine.

I've been trying gardening and landscaping, and getting my daughter involved as much as possible. It's hard to make headway, because she and my dogs take up a lot of my attention on the weekends, and I have fibro, so I'm often in pain and or worn out. My boyfriend helps, although he's really busy right now. I'm hoping my raspberry bush bears fruit this year. I bought my daughter her own watering can so she would get excited about watering it, because i had to plant it on the far side of the yard and it's a pain. .

Exersize and yoga help the pain somewhat, but that's taken a a backseat because my dog had surgery and I need that time to do her rehab.

We have a lake across the street and at some point I wouldn't mind getting a kayak, but that's a ways off.

My boyfriend is a professional clarinetists and bass clarinetist, and he does a lot of experimental and contemporary classical stuff. So he's exposed me to a whole different kind of music. I really like his work, and we've gone and seen some really cool stuff.

My BIL  posted on Facebook that his wife wants to have a third kid and he needs arguments against it and the first thing I thought was, well if you die she's screwed.

Boyfriend and I had dinner with his brother, dad, and stepmom Saturday night and then with his brother, mom, stepdad, and my daughter on Sunday. DD and I did Easter morning by ourselves. I invited BF, but he is very busy right now. On the whole it was okay. But I know BF was missing his daughter, and holidays are always difficult on some level for me.

Dan's family has been very welcoming of my boyfriend. He and my BIL are very friendly, my BF came to my SIL's baby shower, he's invited to BIL's Coast Guard retirement this summer. And his family is great; they are very good to me and my daughter.

I own the plot next to Dan. The plots are in another state from where I now live and where my boyfriend is from. They are some thirty yards or so from my parents' plots. (Dad is deceased, mom has the plot next to him.) I'm not wild about the thought of cremation, I don't know why but I'm just not.

BF and I are no where near this discussion. I won't hazard to say where I'll end up, because I don't know his feelings about it at all. I know I want to be next to Dan in some way, which may mean getting over my cremation issue.

I understand your wife's feelings. However, here is something to consider. There is a very good chance that your current wife will have a very long lifetime with you. Hopefully you will grow old together. You'll share experiences, probably more than you late wife had. Your wife will get to watch your children grow up. All of these things, your late wife did not have. So, I mean, maybe it's reasonable for her to have you in your final resting spot?

I'm not saying this is the view you should take, just things to consider.

Another one dealing with this. Ex took daughter out of state without permission - she'd probably get it if she formally requested it. At any rate, it IS very middle school, and all the more ridiculous when you've been through trauma that is real and not manufactured. I can't imagine denying a child a relationship with her father; it's the one thing I wish I could give mine.

Fuck the fact that being a widow is a full time fucking job, on top of my full time job of being a mom, and my full time job of being a museum professional. Fuck the fact that there is still stuff that I haven't taken care of. Fuck thinking I have shit down, sort of, only to realize it's still a giant fucking mess.

Amazon. I order a lot of things online. Dog food? Yeah, I'm not schlepping those big bags anymore.

I moved to for a better commute and it made a huge difference. It was a positive thing for a lot of reasons.

Crockpot with a timer.

I've hired people for repairs, but Youtube is helpful with some things.