jeudi

Eleven days ago was the 17th anniversary of John's death. That is more than a bit sobering. Such a lot of years it's hard (almost) to recall the early days of grief except I do remember how hopeless I felt. How overwhelmed. How clueless at how to proceed. But I went ahead and lived anyway. I haven't spent a day feeling guilty that I have. I've felt relieved that I found my way because the way I used to feel was no way to live. The memories are almost buried under the sheer gravity of time but not so deep that i don't relive the despair in micro bursts when I least expect it. When I do, I know, thankfully, that it won't be long until I feel ok again. I know it and yet while I'm in the midst of bawling and feeling fragile I feel that tiny grain of uncertainty-oh God no- here it is again. How I miss the man. I can't say it plainer than that. Love has endured, not to the exclusion of other love, but contained inside a capsule that was us and us is lost and that is what this grief is made of. Our daughter was 17 when he died and now she has lived eleven days longer than she was allowed to have her father with her in this earthbound life. I thought of calling her to have her listen to me crying but that seems more than cruel. If there is anyone who misses John it is her. She is a beautiful combination of strength and tender heart. I have hated this for her more than I've hated it for me. I lost my own wonderful father when I was a teenager, not much older than she was when she lost John but I never loved him the way she loves John which is saying a lot because I loved my father. He was an incredible man who was overlooked for his genius and his kind and patient parenting. He was a man trapped inside of the stern father figure of the 1950s but somehow I was the only of his children to see his truth. My brothers recall someone just a little bit scary. I recall a teddy. John was never stern. He was full of laughter and jokes and laughter and lightheartedness. Our daughter's friends remember him as kind and I always wonder if I'm right about how messed up her friend's fathers were for them to come up with the word kind as their first remembrance of John. sure he was kind but that seems such a basic description unless, of course, your own father was never kind. I know a bit about the histories of some of these girls...how my heart breaks for them them never knew a father like mine was to me or like John was to our K. Grief stays a hard kernal, whittled down in size but still there...I'm talking about molecules here. I don't hate it like i used to. I never fight with it anymore. How I used to rage against it. I was so unreasonable. I felt so wronged that my beautiful life was thusly interrupted and waylaid. Now I see how much I've gained from this experience. Um, thanks but no thanks. But thanks. Really. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And as always I just find it so interesting how at one time I was mystified that my life should continue on without him. And now I see this all as an aha moment. Oh yes, I think to myself, so this is my path. This is how I learned this stuff that I can now bring to the table. This wisdom is such a powerful thing. And no matter how boastful that seems, what everyone should remember is that I am still an earthbound misfit. The knowledge that there is more later has been opened but I still do not understand it, not even a little bit. I live my life open to the mysteries, certain of these mysteries and always, always asking for glimmers of how it is. I ask. I receive. I don't know how it works. I have faith. Faith is a good feat for an atheist, isn't it? Seventeen years ago today I struggled with life and wrestled with a Christmas tree so we would continue to be able to have Christmas as a cherished family tradition. While John was dying I whispered in his ear to make haste and to leave us this tradition as his legacy. And he did. I still don't feel bad about it, in fact I'm glad I had the foresight not to be of the ilk who begs the dying to stay for just a bit longer. He was done, after all. And that I did that whispering is my secret. I have refused to let "regular folks" know what it's like to make bargains like that. I've done a lot of hard shit like that. Soft on the exterior, fooling the masses and inside just rock hard and solid as can be. Titanium. Bulletproof. Invincible...until grief takes me by the hair and pulls me off a cliff. Wrenching myself away from our human bond was frightful and how much I didn't want it to be the case didn't matter at all. No wonder I fought it. When I look at my life as a whole I'm right with the way I've conducted myself. So right that even though I've grieved I'm ok to grieve more. Ten minutes of feeling the hurt the same as I did back in the early days then, ten minutes of missing the man. Ten minutes of wondering how in the hell I got from there to here. I dry those tears and walk on. Ever earthbound. Until I'm not. I'm expecting a beautiful reunion. But I'm not holding my breath. It will come soon enough. For now, I'm still kissing the sky. Jeudi

Just ordered it. Thanks for the suggestion. It sounds great. And I love the title.

Thanks Euf- a lot of what I write now is humorous fiction, so I don't strictly stay with these hard stories all the time. Writing was the most important thing that helped me find myself again. For me, letting my mind go to this other place that had nothing to do with loss, allowed me to get away from the horrible way I felt, if only just while I was writing. It took me about six months before I had enough focus to write but once I got started I wrote a novel by the time I reached the first anniversary pf John's death. I couldn't focus enough to read a book but writing, for some reason, was something I could do.

Thanks Maureen. I appreciate your taking the time to link over and read it.

A few months ago I made a post linking members here to an article I had written on another site, an online publication called Medium. I've written another post relating to widowhood, specifically about signs I get from my late husband. In that article I also link to an article by a psychic medium who explains some of the nuts and bolts about how our passed on loved ones communicate with us. Here is the link to my story https://medium.com/uncalendared/pennies-from-the-other-side-338b9e704d8 I hope you will click over and give it a read. When I linked to my last story I mentioned that Medium pays for writing (if you are a member and you sign up for getting paid for your writing). You can read this article of mine without being a member but if you click around to read other things eventually non-members get "locked out." I don't make a lot of money but theoretically, if you write a lot and people like your work you can make some decent bucks. If you like to write and need some extra money since your loved one died this could be a little side gig for you. It's super easy and user friendly. There are a few writers there who write about loss. I'm thinking about starting a "publication" within Medium that is specifically for stories from widowed people. If anyone has any interest in this let me know (you can message me here as Medium is really public.) and I'll get to work on making that happen. Someone else has posted a widow/ widower publication there but it is blank like he/she gave up on the idea so I don't think I would be stepping on any toes. I write about signs as I still have a relationship with my late husband because of the signs he sends me. In the article I link to, I went quite a bit into his cancer story, which I never really did on the old YWBB. It has taken me quite some time to be able to speak of this time in my life. So painful. Now, I can do this but it took 15 years or so. I lost John in 2002. At the bottom of the Medium article I include a song sung by Billie Holiday. I warn you now- it relates to my story and might make you cry, especially if you are like me and music can really turn on the waterworks for you. Hope everyone is doing well. Keep writing and sharing and commiserating. It is the best solution for everything widow that I ever found. Judy

Euf- Reading your words about YWBB brings back cruddy memories of how the site closed with pretty much no warning. I gave up on trying to save anything because I really didn't visit the site much due to my longevity as a widow but luckily someone I was friends with from the board (but also in real life) let me know. By the time I got to my computer I had only hours and ultimately decided to let it go. Luckily, I had previously saved some stuff on discs but none of my own writing. I love to write and writing was what saved me early on before I knew about YWBB. What I wrote about being a widow could have filled a book. There was so much wisdom there...and I'm sure here too, so I would send your soon to be widowed friend this way for sure. I remember you Euf- along with so many others from those old days. Can you believe I lost my first husband over 16 years ago now- and my new husband and I, who met because of YWBB and I have been a couple for 14 years on St. Patrick's Day. We've been married since 2014. One of the first messages I sent him has the words "someday each of us could have another long relationship" as I tried to comfort him (and myself) about the loneliness he was experiencing. I had no idea his relationship would be with me. I'm writing for an online publication now called Medium and I'm getting ready to write a post here to lead Widda members over to a story there about the signs I get from my late husband. It would be great to think that some widowed folks might read it with the link I will provide. Hope you will give it a glance. Thanks for your post. Any time I come here I find something- sometimes from someone familiar to me from YWBB or from a new widow with some sage wisdom to share. A community like none other. Love to all. Judy

Bluebird, So very sorry for your loss.

Sunshine Fl= Thanks for reading further. It really means the world to me. I don't always write stories like the one you have quoted but I do think that particular piece is one of my better moments. When YWBB was up and running and I was newly widowed, writing was one of the things that kept me going. The community of other widowed folks was another. So today is 16 years. It is impossible to believe that so much time has passed because I feel like all of that happened yesterday. Except it doesn't hurt the same way. After John died all I wanted was to not hurt so damned much all the time. It was such a process to find healing. Hurting like that is no way to live but when you are experiencing the first really raw days/months/years of grief there is no way to concieve that you can actually feel ok again. I remember waking up and thinking Not another day of feeling this way. It just sucked so bad! The worst part of it was I din't have him anymore. As in there to talk to, to touch, to make love to, to laugh with, to share my day. That was the worst, that feeling of being without. I've always tried to paint a realistic but optimistic picture of how grief is, what widowhood is. I've wanted to share that its ok to move ahead with life when you have lost your spouse. It isn't easy. I am a very stubborn person. I never gave up although I went super easy on myself a lot. I think I did a really good job creating a new life for myself. I'm proud of myself for it. I think I'm going to go to bed now and lay there next to my husband and think of John. I feel the tears building. Right before I got online here I read an article on Medium about Bryan Ferry. John always liked to sing outloud (not all that well but he was enthusastic) and Bryan Ferry was a favorite of his. He would move around like Bryan Ferry, even pretend to hold a Mic, and even though he was bald from the time he was 30 he used to flip some imaginary hair while he was being Bryan. So many small nuances that I will never, ever forget. Never, ever stop missing. I take this odd comfort in knowing that my husband has someone tucked inside of him too- he was widowed (I met him on YwBB) We had such a crazy beginning and it was so hard making our relationship as easy and seamless as it is now. He came with a hurting 14 year old who really turned life into turmoil for awhile at a time when all I needed was some peace but she kept me on my toes. And here is a bit of irony. I have two dogs, both Chihuahuas and one has to have a tumor removed this morning (it is middle of the night right now and I'm doing my late night thing) so on the anniversary of John's death I will be facing seeing if her tumor is localized or if it has spread. Her name is Ladybug and she is a funny, quirky little thing. She has been passed around a bit in her life and now lives a forever home with us. We are still getting to know each other. She is very hesitant to let me in and I have given her all kinds of room. She prefers my husband. The other dog prefers me. I think I need to go to bed! Be well everyone. Thanks for listening. Judy

Hello- I typcially write something as I approach the anniversary date of my husband's death. I've been writing for Medium, an online publication and decided to give writing my year 16 anniversary article a try there. If you want to read what I've written, here is the link. https://medium.com/@msgekko/one-tough-cookie-9568c9de712c I hope everyone here is approaching the holidays and new year on as solid ground as possible. To all of the other close-to-the-holidays-when-widowed widows and widowers I'm still here to report there are brighter days ahead for you. I was adamant about continuing on with Christmas even though my John died on December 7fh. On the old YWBB I wrote about some of my particular challenges. So much was lost when YWBB was shut down. I didn't save what I wrote then, back in the day, having no idea it could just go poof without enough time or notification to do anything about it. I also didn't know that I needed to save some of those writings to share later. I wish I still had them today and to have those more in the moment moments as I figured things out for myself than this coming back with memories of what it was like. But this BB is just like the other in that there are folks going through it ongoing and they share their stories. And somehow those stories are universal. One thing I got out of being widowed was a renewed interest in writing. It has taken me places other than revealing my soul about my loss and I'm writing more and more fiction these days. In the first year of being widowed I wrote a novel (still unpublished and currently being reworked) and I also wrote daily on YWBB. I joined a Writer's Guild to get out of the house and to help with loneliness even though I still, at that time, couldn't focus enough to be able to read a book. Writing allowed me some respite away from the hurt, a way to sooth my broken heart and most importantly a way to find myself, changed but still me. If you go to Medium there are several articles I've written about being widowed, loneliness and the signs I continue to get from my late husband. Lastly, if there are widows and widowers here who need some extra money and who like to write, Medium has a system by which you can make a little bit of money for your writing. I mention it because I know I would have appreciated such a thing when I was more newly widowed. There is a Widowhood publication there but nobody has submitted anything for it...I tried to get in touch with the person who started it but he/she never got back to me. I try to read a lot inside of Medium and have found some great articles about being widowed. You can search for them in their format- they allow writers to tag their works. I've tried Widowhood, Death, Grief, Grieving etc. There are some excellent offerings about all sorts of aspects of those tags. Peace to everyone. Judy

thanks Lewis! Your discussion is easy to follow- I'm super impressed with the way you did that!

I love the way we have an initial in a circle of color if we don't have a picture that we use. I also love the gentle way a reply is posted- it sort of morphs into the post.

When a person in their 90's loses a spouse, surely they have fully considered the possibility. Not that the considering makes it easier but don't we get to a certain age and consider our own mortality and that of our spouse? Living into your 90's isn't all that common... I have nothing but empathy for anyone who loses a spouse though...love is love no matter how old you get to be.

I guess for me it seems like if everyone behaves like a grown up it all takes care of itself. I was lucky that my parents gave me a great example of what a good, solid marriage looks like. My Dad put my Mom on a pedestal and she looked at my Dad as if he was the absolute most honorable person that ever lived. I never did any of that (well maybe a little). I married pretty young (22) and we grew up and into our marriage without a lot of stress about not always getting along- for sure the few times we let my Mom see us at odds with each other were very stressful for her but we always knew we were a very together couple nevertheless. My late husband could be a real selfish piece of work and he was lazy too. I was crazy about him though, we had a great friendship with each other, we had lots of laughs. I found him intelligent, he was intrigued by the way my mind works. I gained weight as I aged and I'm sure that drove him crazy. I complained about having to cook because we couldn't always afford to eat out or even to bring in take-out. We did get to a place, later in life, when my husband had me on a pedestal and we even got to a place where we argued less and less. When our daughter was born he was all but forgotten until I weaned her. How do you not put all of your focus on a helpless infant? How big a baby does someone have to be to expect a new mother to give more of her attention to him than to the product of their sexual energy? We never spoiled our daughter but we certainly thought she was A#1 kid on the planet and since he died when she was just 17 he hardly got to see any of her amazingness. Part of my attraction to him was that he had interests outside of me. He was intense. I like intensity. I always had my own desires too. We were kind of each other's Lazy-Boy- that place of complete comfort that we settled into after the work and the hobbies and the kid were taken care of for the day. He died before I had to take care of my mother in her old age. By then I was remarried to husband #2. He is not a selfish piece of work and he is SO NOT LAZY. He is a widower and his late wife was a workaholic. I am not and he likes that about me. It doesn't mean he didn't love her. He just likes that I am not a workaholic. We are happy- not the same as I was happy with number 1. Equal but very different. If you add it all up I'm very successful at being married, at making a spouse happy, at balancing the importance of this and that. Husband #2 never complained when I was away from home for over a month tending to my Mother as she died. Then...she was my priority. I think the priorities of love are patience and tolerance and kindness and empathy. I smile at my new husband more than I ever did husband # 1 and the reason is I know what it's like to suddenly have that person yanked away. I know what it feels like to be bereft and miserable. I also know what I'm made of and how much I have to give and that makes me pretty happy too. I'm enough of a grown-up to feel tremendous gratitude for the swell deal life handed me after giving me the dried up heel at the bottom of the bread bag. I agree that we choose our spouse. But loving another person is not a choice. It's something we simply cannot help- but I see that this only applies really if you are happy with each other, if the love you share is satisfying and something you would have a hard time living without. As opposed to loving someone who treats you badly. I have to say I don't understand that sort of love at all but I've been lucky there too. There were times when I was first widowed that I thought "Oh, how nice- I never have to make pork chops again!" (I hate pork chops) but it was such a lousy trade off. And wouldn't you know, my new husband loves pork chops! And he accepts that I refuse to make them for him. I learned how it made me feel to do something for someone that I didn't want to do. I'm not saying that I never do something that I don't want to do but I DRAW THE LINE AT PORKCHOPS.

Lewis- Thanks for writing this. It feels sobering and humbling, always, to hear what others have gone through when they've lost their spouse. I cannot imagine being left to cope with five kids. I can't imagine having my loved one die in bed next to me. For me, it was cancer that took my spouse. We got to say goodbyes. I had one child, almost 18 and she also got to say goodbye to her Dad. Each of us, in our own circumstances has so much to deal with. There are always details unique to each of us. There is something universal at play though- something that breeds a very specific brand of empathy. This empathy is like a trophy for me- I survived (!) and I get something good to carry around with me. It's so important to have this place to read what other's have survived (or are surviving) and to speak to what we suffer as widows and widowers. Thank you and the others involved in creating this site (I was active on the previous young widow bulletin board) and for keeping it going and for keeping it looking good! Well done. Can you please give guidelines for this blog section? Above it says it is a group blog. Occasionally I do some writing that pertains to being widowed but since I am such an old-timer (my husband died 15 years ago and I've been remarried for quite awhile too) I usually just stick my paragraphs in the General section but maybe this blog section is more appropriate?

Although grief over my own loss has stained me and changed me, the take away, when I've looked at the bigger picture, is that grief is universal. When you hear or read about massacres, shootings, wars, diseases, famine, devastating weather systems, etc., someone out there has lost someone of vital importance to their life. And so I live more as a part of the whole of humanity now. I own a heart with far less armor and I spend more time thinking about the conditions of our world while at the same time being more able to cherish what I have, who I have, as I have. Sorry you are hurting for your Toronto.