simon8164

A week tomorrow will be a year since My Beautiful Darl died 3rd of may .the build up is so hard i keep getting upset at any time and am trying to hide it from Josh (my son )but its so hard as we are on lock down ,i can't see anyone else as they are all social distancing ,I don't know what to do with myself ,I just want to be with her. Josh tries to comfort me and tells me how much he hates it when i get upset ,he probably thinks im too soft .He finds it hard to express his feelings so he finds it hard to understand mine .Maria is on my mind all day every day ,i feel i want to tell everyone i meet how wonderful my beautiful wife was ,it must be weird to people but i can't help talking about her at any opportunity ,i bet people think im odd .it gives me comfort to tell anyone how amazing a person she was to me .

i feel afraid all the time that i will leave my son alone or i will be without him ,i know it is highly unlikely but the constant worrying and fear is sometimes unbearable .Recently ,when he got ill on holiday with flu i didn't sleep for two days so i could watch him .i have always been a worrier but things are getting worse .Maria always was the strong one who calmed me down and made me see things logically and now i don't have that support anymore ,i am so scared that i will let her down by not taking good care of our son and not making her proud of me .i miss her so much all day every day and i know it has been over ten months but nothing is getting easier ,its like she has been gone for so long and its like i lost her today at the same time .i can't see how this is going to get bearable ever .

i found this song this evening and thought i needed to share as i feel this song so much

i think my post sounds selfish after reading it through again .i wasn't trying to do that ,i just miss Maria so much and as new year happened the realisation is hitting me that she really isn't coming home ever ,this makes me need her even more .josh does a lot of things with his friends and is on his computer all the time writing new scripts for his audio plays and chatting to his hundreds of friends on social media,he also volunteers at a local theatre and theatre is another one of his passions ,he loves Dr Who the tv series so much that he cosplays and goes to a lot of conventions which is amazing for him .i take him to all his venues and to the theatre which i don't mind doing at all ,i would normally go home for a few hours to be with Maria maybe go for a meal just the two of us. then pick him up at the end of his shift ,now i just wait in the car for him there is nothing for me to do ,i just feel lonely .we are going to L A in february to a Dr Who convention which is his dream convention and he is so excited ,i make sure he gets to all of his photo shoots and autograph signings on time and it is lovely to see him so happy .we are then off to orlando for 2 weeks which we all as a family used to love going to especially Maria it was her favourite place to visit ,i am looking forward to going for josh but worried for myself as it will be so hard to do things without her .i think what i am trying to say is not {what do i do now } but how do i do anything without Maria and i don't just want anyone to cuddle or tell about my day I just want My Beautiful Darl and no one else .she is my life and always will be .

what do i do now?

i knew it would be hard to get through my birthday ,christmas and new year all in a 2 week space ,and it really was ,my birthday i just didn't want to happen at all as Maria always made this day so special even with it being near christmas ,she separated the two for me as when i was younger it kind of got rolled into 1 as anyone who has a birthday so close to christmas probably knows .christmas we did something different this year as nobody wanted a traditional home christmas like we always did ,josh and myself had christmas with Marias side of the family as we alternated every year ,we all stayed in a hotel in cheshire which was lovely and took some of the pressure away from all having to be in the same room all day ,it seemed to make it easier not having it in marias sisters house as usual ,i went to my room to have a bit of a cry and talk to my beautiful darl .all in all christmas was easier than i thought it would be i suppose .new year was when it really hit me ,i just didn't want to leave the year my beautiful wife was still here in ,i had panic attacks and everything .it all just kind of hit me that she wasn't coming back and it was so real ,it felt like she had just died and i couldn't stop getting upset and am still really struggling more each day i miss her so much ,i think i still had it in the back of my mind that she hadn't really gone yet but when it turned 2020 that was it .everything is so unbearable and i feel so lonely without her .i know i have josh and he has me ,i will take care of him for as long as i can ,but i have no one to hold anymore my soulmate ,my life ,my best friend ,the love of my life my world ,i don't know what to do anymore ,people say get a hobby go to the gym ,but you can't cuddle a hobby, or tell the gym about your day like i could Maria.

i am so sorry you had to join this forum but i am glad i have spoken to you also .i am so sorry to hear about Dave ,he sounds like a wonderful man who loves his family so much . Maria also spent a lot of time in hospital and many appointments over the last few years .she always showed such strength and dignity no matter how she felt ,i can't imagine how much pain she endured with all the procedures she had to go through .Maria always had a smile for everyone which lit up the room ,and hug for me and josh which always made you feel better no matter how bad things got .she and josh are the strongest people i have ever known ,as Josh has gone through so much in his life also but he too has always got a smile and a hug which make you instantly feel better .i have been so blessed to have so much love in my life .if love was money i would be the richest man alive . i feel so much pain it is almost unbearable sometimes .i think about Maria all the time and cry every day for her i miss her so much .im sure everyone who has ever lost someone feels the same ,i can't imagine this pain ever going away but then somehow i kind of don't want it to either as it reminds me of the love we have and how deep it is ,i know that sounds odd but im sure you all know what i mean .by feeling so much pain all the time it helps to keep her here and in my heart all the time .i feel so sad and lonely sometimes i don't know what to do with myself ,when i say lonely i mean i have such an immense yearning to hold her again its like a physical pain . As you can see i start to waffle when i talk about Maria .i find myself trying to put into words how much i love her but i know it is impossible to express to anyone how i feel about my beautiful darl .i know it has been over 6 months now and people have all stopped visiting now ,its almost like they think that 6 months is enough time to grieve and i should be trying to get into some kind of new normal by now but i am still unable to make basic decisions even down to what to have for lunch etc as every decision i have made for 28 years has been jointly made by Maria and myself ,i know that it sounds crazy but it is true .i miss Maria so much .

It is coming up to 6 months since i lost my beautiful darl ,Maria ,she would have been celebrating her 50th birthday on the 5th of november this year. i miss her so much and cry every day ,the pain is unbearable and does not feel like it is going to ever ease with all the time in the world ,i will be feeling like this forever .she was so excited for her party which we would have had for her ,i have thought of having a party in her memory but it doesn't feel right her not being there ,Maria just loved to dance ,i could not take my eyes off her when she was dancing as she looked so happy and beautiful .i really don't know what i am going to do for the rest of my life without her ,sorry to sound negative it is just unbearable without Maria .i can't even decide what to eat at mealtime anymore ,so how do i run a whole household without her guidance ,it can take half an hour to decide what to have for an evening meal for me and josh .we even settle on a sandwich sometimes .i thought i would have preferred to go before her but i would not wish this pain for Maria to have to deal with .i try to be positive for Josh as he is for me but it is so draining trying all the time to seem happy when inside your heart is shattered .once again i find myself going on about how bad it feels for me when everyone here feels the same as me and totally understands this situation .

That really is a lovely tattoo and the words are beautiful , i think this is the perfect way to stay connected to the person who is your soul mate .

are there any thoughts on when i should go back to work as people are saying i should but i don't feel ready yet ,its nearly been 4 months but i am crying and thinking about maria all the time ,my manager is mentioning it to me now ,people say it is good to get back but i don't want to just yet . i am not ready to face people every day at the moment ,i didn't go to a family meal for my mums birthday last week i can't face everyone but maria being there .i had my first session of c b t last week and i know its just an introduction on the first session but they even brought up going back to work then . the c b t sessions are through work so i should expect i think ,anyway if anyone has any thoughts on this subject please let me know ,thanks simon

Thank you Leadfeather.

89 days since i lost my beautiful darl [ Maria ] and i feel like it was today i miss her so much i feel like i can't breathe sometimes .i am crying more than i was ,i am able to hide how i feel in front of people a little better but still break sometimes .i find myself telling people i am ok even though i am in so much pain inside as i feel they don't want to listen to a 50 year old man constantly talking about how much he misses his wife and how it hurts so much and how hard it is to even get out of bed every day .they ask how you are but don't really want to hear the answer .so you just say you are ok but you know you will never be ok ever again .all i can think is every day passed is a day closer to being with her and that day can't come soon enough for me .i know i have to stay to be with my son and feel selfish for wanting to be with Maria i love my son more than anything in the world and i know he needs me to support him but i am so lost without my beautiful wife .i can't imagine my life without her .it just seems like i will feel this sad forever until i am with her .

re. Josh that is a good idea i will try that ,i think it is my fault as i used to obsess about Maria feeling ok by asking ,are you ok darl she would say yes then i would ask good but are you feeling ok to which she would reply yes in a more stern voice ,i think i was that worried about her all the time it got on her nerves a bit .i was just so scared of losing her i feel i should have less worried but i couldn't help it .i definitely try harder with Josh not to keep asking him .Josh is on the autistic spectrum so everything is black and white to him there's not really a grey area to him .he takes most things literally so i will have to choose my words more carefully

Today i woke up on Maria"s side of the bed , i have never done this ever and do not know how it happened .I think this was the best night sleep since I lost her even felt a bit closer to her waking up on her pillow i think .My son is feeling a lot more sad lately and i have been worrying about him have asked him to sleep in our bed but he's 23 and i think he doesn't feel he can.He did on the first night and after the funeral but not since .wish i could help him get through it .Josh doesn't like me asking him if he's ok as he thinks I'm referring to how he feels about his mum not just in general .thanks for all of your kind words everyone ,it really helps talking to people who truly understand .

Is it silly to send Maria a goodnight text every night before i sleep ? i am still not getting to sleep until sometimes 4 am the bed feels so empty without her .it seems to be getting harder not easier at the moment everything just seems so empty ,i just need a hug from My Beautiful Darl .

Maria fought so hard in and out of hospital she never gave up once having so much to live with and still everyday smiling never complaining .of course she got sad and worn down at times but she never was angry at all and she did have every right to be .my son Josh is just like her with all his problems having cerebral palsy has been a massive challenge but he has the same positive attitude as his beautiful mum smiling all the time and comforting me .i can't believe i could ever deserve such a wonderful family ,Maria and Josh are truly my heroes and i feel totally not worthy of the love i have received in my life .i wish it was me and not them the have had all these problems ,such amazing people don't deserve to have all these problems .i never thought i could have lhe love in my life which i have had ,i am totally broken without Maria in my life just one more of her hugs to make everything feel better but it is not possible she was my soul mate .i am trying to be strong for josh but i just find it so hard to be positive when my beautiful maria has gone .i have never experienced pain like this .

Thank you for the kind words they mean a lot especially from people who totally understand the feelings i am experiencing ,I just keep reliving it and trying to figure out if there was any way i could have kept her with me and my son for longer .

i lost my wife on 3rd may 2019 she had diabetes from 12years old ,she was 49 when she died .maria had a kidney transplant 16 years ago ,we have 1 son who is 23 years old ,he has cerebral palsy and cannot walk he is amazing and comforts me every day.maria spent 3 periods in hospital over the last 18 month the longest april17th 2018 for 108 days most of which was in icu ,she had a heart attack and multiple organ failure was intubated for 9days ,she is such a fighter and amazed me everyday with her will to survive and smiled everyday even when she could barely breath ,i am in awe of her and have been all my life ,she is the most beautiful amazing gorgeous woman i have ever known .maria left hospital in august last year and the doctors said she now had heart failure and was on dialysis aswell ,as her transplanted kidney was failing ,but after her short time of being upset she did what she always did and said she will fight and isn't ready to go yet ,she had the most amazing positive attitude .after 3 months of dialysis 3times a week her kidney picked up and its function went up to 18 percent which meant dialysis could stop ,this was amazing news for us and maria .recently she started to put-on weight which meant she was retaining fluid again ,we went to the hospital and her kidney function was decreasing again .maria reduced her fluid intake and increased her water tablets to try to get the fluid off but the following week maria had an appointment on friday the third of may with the predialysis team for bloods .we both knew they would keep her in and packed a bag ready .walking up the path to the car maria said she felt dizzy helped her walk to the car but as we got there she couldn't stand .i had already decided to go straight to a and e but she said she wanted to go to her appointment [she was very stubborn ] i rang 999 as she was not responding to me as we turned off our street i flagged a policeman down and he got an ambulance this was around 9.15 am the took her to hospital and tried to save her but were unable as her heart was so weak .this beautiful lady is the love of my life and i don't know how to breath without her ,i woke up next to my beautiful wife every day for 28 years and 3rd may 2019 10 am she died and now i will never see her again ,i am so lost i don't know what to do ,for 28 years i had her to help me make every decision and now i have to make them on my own ,i don't know how to do it i miss her so much my heart is totally broken ,sometimes i feel like someone is stood on my chest the pain is so overwhelming .i know i have to carry on to look after our beautiful son ,i think he is the one taking care of me at the moment as he is so strong and has an unbelievable positive attitude which he gets from his mum of course .i on the other hand am a worrier to the point that maria asked everyone we saw to have a quiet word with me to try and get me to not worry so much ,but how do you not worry when the person you love so much is really poorly and has been through so much in her life .i miss her and love her so much i feel so lost .