Wheelerswife
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Posts posted by Wheelerswife
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Ah, you are not losing your mind any more than the rest of us.
I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband. This is such an agonizing experience. How could you possibly be functioning "normally" when absolutely nothing is normal anymore? I was also very angry after I lost my second husband...not so much after my first husband died. Each has been a different experience and finding a new equilibrium has been different for each as well.
It will take some time for you to integrate this loss into your consciousness. It can be incredibly hard to imagine how you can keep living without him, but this is accomplished each day by putting one foot in front of the other whenever you can even do that. I didn't find it helpful to look too far into the future.
Your experience is yours. Others who have not lost a spouse cannot understand this, no matter how hard they try. You may realize that you couldn't fathom this level of pain before your husband died, even though his death may have been anticipated.
I'm glad you found this site. If you can find a support group for younger widows and widowers near you, that might be helpful, too. When I found the precursor to this site, I sat up late into the evenings, reading post after post. Ah - people who understood.
Hugs to you...
Maureen
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My first husband had a progressive disease and we knew it would eventually take him. So, on some levels, we were able to be prepared. That doesn’t mean I was totally prepared. The things we did?
Prepared our wills and drew up paperwork for power of attorney and living wills
Made sure as much as possible was either jointly owed or just in my name
Talked about what we wanted about burial (which only got as far as “together somewhere”)
Spoke of our love and shared life memories
My second husband’ death was unexpected, but being that we were both widowed, we knew the routine. So we:
Revised our wills and changed our documents for power of attorney and living wills
Talked about our desires for burial, with specifics (cremation, divided ashes, half buried with late spouses and half together)
Made sure property was jointly owned and beneficiaries of insurance, retirement plans and bank accounts were updated
Spoke every single day of our love and the joy we brought each other.
There were a few headaches left - such as savings bonds held jointly by my second husband and his late wife (more hoops to jump through than anything else I did!) but I think I had it more smoothly than most people.
I have heard some people who struggled more because of mortgages only in the name of the deceased spouse or houses that only had the deceased spouse on the deed.
Know where paperwork is - such as car titles and the deed to the house. Also, a list of all accounts and passwords. My husband had a couple of small 401k type accounts that I wasn’t aware of from decades back that were harder to track down because paperwork only came at the end of the year and he died in January.
That probably isn’t everything, but it hits most things I can think of.
Hugs. I would not want to give this presentation!
Maureen
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Hello, Lanajoy,
I'm so sorry to have to welcome you to our club. The loss of your beloved wife is such a tragic experience for you! I don't have the experience of your kind of loss, but there are others here who have lost spouses to suicide and also others who were widowed when pregnant or with very young children. You are also a very young widow, and it can be difficult to find support groups for younger widows. You might try searching for support services for children. My first support group was attached to a center for grieving families and children and wasn't advertised as a young widow support group. You may also try contacting hospice groups. They often offer grief support to individuals who have not used their hospice services for a family member.
I saw your other post about Social Security. I'm not sure what your status would be with SS. Most often, a young spouse without children will only receive a one-time benefit of $255. (Yeah, that's it.) Your situation is more complicated in that you have an unborn child and I don't know the legal status of your child in relation to your wife. You will likely have to talk to Social Security to see if your child will qualify for benefits based on recognition of parentage with your wife, I imagine. So...I might start with a phone call to SS. If your child qualifies for benefits, they would likely continue until age 18, and that would certainly be financially helpful.
I hope you find reading and posting here to be helpful. I have found online support to be a critical part of my journey after losing my husbands. I have also made friends amongst people on this website and its predecessor. You are most welcome here.
Hugs,
Maureen
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Last night I updated my computer and left it open and went to bed. This morning, I had to kick it in to finish the update. For some reason, the first screen to open was my email, and it opened to an email from my second husband John dated 7/22/11. It was a simple message with a photo attached.
In the photo, I am standing near a sign in Corniglia, Cinque Terre, on the Mediterranean coast of Italy. I am red-faced, having just climbed 33 flights of stairs. I am wearing a sturdy knee brace, as I had injured my knee just a couple of weeks before our scheduled trip to Italy. My knee was so unstable that it would buckle with almost every step I took. (I had surgery about 6 weeks after the trip to repair what damage was repairable.)
John's simple message in that email was: "Any time you feel challenged, look at this picture."
John knew what it took from me to climb those stairs (well, just to even walk) at that point, but I was determined that this knee injury was not going to keep me from enjoying our trip to Italy.
Life's roller coaster continues...and I have been feeling a bit low in the last few days. I had a job interview on Friday. I was feeling energized about it, but I am back in the waiting game as that search committee continues its own (slow) interview process. So a message from John...and such an apropos message at that...was heartwarming.
Maureen
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I relate to so much of your post, and the thoughts below go through my head a lot.
I miss him and the life we had.
4 years, were have they gone?
There just isn't much choice but to keep living, is there? So...we make choices and we change jobs and we move and we meet new friends and we try to integrate our past with our present and we somehow have to be open to a future that is different - very different - than the one we previously imagined.
Hugs to you...I hope you can have some good memories today.
Maureen
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It is a weird day for me today - it is the anniversary of the death of my second husband's late wife. I know that takes a little bit to follow - my second husband was widowed. This was his late wife. He isn't here to remember her anymore. I want to acknowledge her life, if only for him, as she was an integral part of what made my John the man I loved.
These ideas take up residence in my head. Cemeteries are full of people long forgotten - people who were loved and who loved others and are now gone and nobody remembers them. Well, most of them.
Sigh.
Maureen
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Where is the "I love this" button?
Maureen
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I’m so sorry you are losing your beloved sister. Hospice vigils are so tiring, too - physically and emotionally.
Sigh. There really aren’t any words.
Hugs,
Maureen
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Ah, kflex,
I'm so sorry you had to join our club. Your beautiful post, as sad as it is, is a tribute to the great love you had/have with Justin. If you continue to read here, you will find so many similarities to the stories of others, including the loss of friends, holding onto a toothbrush, the expectations that others place on us to function, and how we do that ourselves.
You are grieving just fine. You don't have to rush anything. You have been through enough in life and you have every right to miss what you have lost. Be kind to yourself!
Hugs,
Maureen
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amandalgh,
Both John and I were very surprised when our platonic conversation changed in its tone. Neither of us were looking for a connection and certainly didn't think we were ready for anything when we started talking.
What we did do - was acknowledge what was happening when it started. We found we could share quite extensively with each other and developed trust very early in our discussions. We lived quite far from each other and decided to meet just a few weeks after our first conversation (he flew to meet me) and our relationship blossomed quickly. We kept it fairly quiet at first, all the while discussing future opportunities to get together. We knew that others would have opinions, but that didn't deter us.
I know that others have found connections as early as John and I did, and many of them were not as successful. Some of those people wished they had not moved so quickly, but that was not the case with John and I. We dove in head first, and throughout the entirety of our relationship, we talked 2-3 hours every single day, more on weekends or when traveling. We solved issues related to relocation and finances and we both had great respect for the other's prior life experiences, spouses, and grief.
My advice? Talk. Then talk some more.
I wish you well!
Maureen
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Hello and welcome to our board.
I was also a caregiver for a very long time with my first husband. I also worked full time and in the last year and a half of my husband's life, we faced some extensive hospitalizations and near-death illnesses. I held it all together for him. But I don't think I compartmentalized my grief. I did reach out to find people who understood my grief - through a website that preceded this one. I met several people in person about 6 weeks after he died and they have been friends since then - over 8 years ago.
I think many of us have to find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We put on a good face for the outside world and grieve more privately, perhaps?
I met my second husband when I was 6 months out. We married a year later. He has been gone for 4 years now and I haven't yet dated, although I have considered it. It is different for each of us. I think we need to look inside our own selves and ask if we think what we are doing is right for ourselves. I don't think anyone else can tell you that. If you think you want to move forward and find companionship, be true to yourself and make your moves in ways that are right for you. You can always change your mind if you dip your toes in the water and decide the water is too hot or too cold.
Best wishes,
Maureen
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Ah, Matt.
My second husband died when I was not at home and returning was difficult. I'm a traveler myself and left home and returned several times - and none of that was easy.
I'm sorry you had to lose your Katie at such a young age. The next weeks and months will be full of adjustment for you. I hope you can find some solace from this board, especially from others in a similar time frame.
Hugs,
Maureen
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I found this today - again. Maybe some others will appreciate it.
Maureen
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Ah, my friend. I wish I had been able to meet your wonderful Fal. I know we would never have come to know each other had it not been for our "shared tragedies", as you called them. We have been linked by circumstance more than most and you have been most generous in your support of me, even in your own time of sorrow.
You have done your necessary work in grieving and living. Your work is unique to yourself and your own circumstances. I think that is an important point for the rest of us to understand. No one else's road will be the same as yours, and only you can drive and make decisions on the turns and stops to be made along the way. It warms my heart, also, to know you are smiling again at the possibility of a new person in your life in the future.
Hugs to you and the kids today.
Maureen
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Thank you, everyone.
As we all do, I made it through. My hardest moment was actually the night before as I crawled into bed and instantly recalled our last FaceTime conversation just a few hours before he was estimated to have died. Since John died, bedtime has been my most anxious time. (I never had significant anxiety before he died...) Fortunately, a widowed friend who was with me the day John died spent some time texting with me and that got me through that heartbreaking moment.
On so many levels, I feel ready for a new chapter in my life, but the logistics of that are moving at a snail's pace. I can't seem to open doors far enough to stick my foot inside and hold the door open. I think that leaves me too much time to think about the past and what I miss. Nothing can take away from me what John and I had for the time we were together. Death stole my future with him, but I can only stay angry about that for so long. I am driven to create more meaning in my life, and so I will persevere.
Some advice to anyone who finds him/her/themself here: never underestimate the power of virtual connections. Some of them have truly sustained me through very difficult moments, and some have also converted into real-life friendships.
Hugs,
Maureen
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I have difficulty realizing sometimes that it has been 4 years since my heart was ripped from my chest for a second time. Here is my post from that day:
My world has crashed...
...My worst nightmare has come true. John, my Polarbear, the second wonderful love of my life....he died today. I am on the east coast, visiting mostly wid friends because I just need to do that sometimes. We had a wonderful bago today at the vineyard in Connecticut...a mix of old wids that were there for me in my early days of widowhood...and new wids I had the pleasure of meeting. I'd been texting and trying to call my husband all day, but he didn't return messages. I tried calling a few people to see if they could check on him, but many friends are out of town during winter break from the university. I finally called the police to check on him and they found him dead in bed. I am stunned, sad, angry, in shock. Fortunately, I am with wid friends tonight who have sat with me and held my hand and listened to me make a host of phone calls. I'm not much company at the moment.
Some of you know John. He was one of us. I met him here on the board when I was 6 months out and he was a mere 2 months out. Love captured us quickly. I quit my job, sold my house and moved to be with him. We married a year after we met. Life was so good for us. Our love was wonderful, full, alive, hopeful after devastating loss of our spouses. We lived life fully, traveled far and wide. We had great plans for life. John had finally regained full footing and felt like he had finally pulled himself together. He was cutting back his teaching to a more manageable load. He had new direction in research. He was loving his interactions with students. He had discovered his affectionate side and we had the most awesome connection. My brain was finally coming together after over 4 years. I was in school and studying was good for me.
It is now all over. I have said this so many times tonight. John died today. My life as I knew it has ended. I am lost.
Maureen
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Wherever you go, I shall go.....
My beloved Barry...11/29/55-9/22/09
You gave it everything you had.
My polarbear....such a brilliant and beautiful man.
1/16/57-1/11/14
You had so much more to give, to learn, to teach.
So...I sit here today and my heart breaks again. I wish it was all just a bad dream. I have done quite a bit to keep my life moving in a forward direction. I am still working for and waiting for some aspects of my life to congeal and bring me satisfaction and joy again. I'll be forever grateful for the people who were there for me 4 years ago and those I have come to know since then. You know who you are, as I seldom refrain from telling people how important they are to me.
I miss you, my polarbear. I wish you didn't have to die...
Maureen
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Hugs, Anni.
Sometimes, being vulnerable to a stranger can pay off in positive ways. After my husbands died, I was surprised to realize the number of people that I encountered who had lost a spouse or partner. It does take a willingness to be truthful sometimes - answering that "How are you?" question with a veracity that people are not anticipating.
My second husband died at home while I was away. 2 days later, I found myself sitting on a commercial airplane next to a private pilot. He asked me if I was traveling for business or pleasure. I asked him if he wanted my truth. He said "Yes", and I told him I was heading home because my husband had died. He embraced me (not physically) on that flight, listened to me, let me cry, and also shared a part of his story (losing a brother as a teen) without ever taking away from my story. There really are some amazing people out there, but we may never be able to take advantage of their support or give our own support to others unless we are willing to be vulnerable.
I'm glad you were validated by the lady in the restaurant! Sometimes, even those of us who have been widowed need to come to the understanding that what is good for us may not be what is good for another. I hope your best friend can come to understand this!
Maureen
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I just came inside from my first pass with the snow blower. Forecasters are projecting over a foot of snow here...and I am not having any problem believing them!
At least I am getting some exercise! I'm trying to keep a space for my dog to be able to go outside for potty breaks!
Let's just hope we don't lose power.
Maureen
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My experiences with counselors in my own grief is that I have been able to set the tone of the sessions when I needed to do that. I did this more after my second husband died, but my counselor had known my husband and had actually been his counselor after he lost his wife, so my counselor already had some perspective.
Perhaps give this counselor another chance and see if you can assert your need to talk in your next session on your own agenda?
Hugs to you!
Maureen
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Babymoose, are you on board? I’m not far from Boston!
Maureen
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Hi, Only22moreyrs.
I'm sorry to have to welcome you to our group.
I hope you feel comfortable with your grief counseling appointment tomorrow. This should be for your comfort...a place where you can do or say what feels okay for you. I remember being so heartbroken that I had difficulty even breathing. You will be able to do this. We all have - and we have all been exactly where you are right now.
Hugs to you. Check back in tomorrow and let us know how your session went.
Maureen
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I know! We are farther away than ever!
I hope life is good!
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Ah, Babymoose! I miss you!
I tossed out my tin foil hat that I was given 8 years ago. Maybe I should make a new one!
Love to you!
Maureen
Today
in General Discussion
Posted
sojourner,
I am so sorry for your losses.
This last paragraph strikes a chord with me...trying to figure out how to really live life fully again. I know I have been working on that for years...and sometimes it really does take baby steps. I have also found that after a series of baby steps, a big leap might be required now and then. The baby steps seem to prepare for the leaps. You have just been through a significant loss, so you may need to take those baby steps for a little while. Follow your heart...or your head...whichever is your lead in decision-making.
Hugs to you,
Maureen