Wheelerswife

Anyone know if this is possible and if so - how to access any of it? Thanks!

Hi, Marie. I am up on the Canadian border of NY and VT for a few more days. Then I get to go home to KS to close on my house (selling) and wait for my new house to come together. My honeymoon has been long distance for 7 weeks!

Hi, all. Old long term member here. Widowed 9/09, remarried a fellow widow 4/11, widowed again 1/14 and now remarried to another twice widowed guy 5/22. I have been through a fair amount of change, to say the least. I am currently finishing the sale of my house I had with husband #2 and building a house with husband #3. Crazy, I know. it hasn’t been easy, but my wid friends carried me along the way. I haven’t seen many of them in the last couple of years (thanks to COVID.) I have been spending what should be my honeymoon taking care of my 95 year old father 1700 miles away from my new husband. I fly home in a few days to shore up the closing on my house and prepare for our new home. Then it is back to work in my pre-retirement job in a local school. That’s me in a nutshell! I would love to hear from folks near and far! Maureen

Hi. First, I don’t know if you sent notes to people and you don’t either. Please forgive yourself for any possible lapses you might have had. You were exhausted in so many ways back then. Second, what a wonderful idea to reach out to people at this point in time. I know that everything that people did for me was appreciated (and I have been widowed twice now.) People don’t really know if their actions made a significant difference when they send a card or food or just sit and hold someone’s hand. By reaching out to them 13 years later, you remind them that it truly made a difference. In this pandemic we are all dealing with right now, I think that your reaching out to people (even if by time and circumstance you have lost touch) you will send a message that doing something is important and perhaps that will encourage someone to repeat the behavior they had towards you to someone else - or to acknowledge someone in their life who has been supportive of them in a time of crisis or need. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Sassy. I don’t post much anymore, but I saw your message and wanted to reply. I was widowed 11 1/2 years ago. I met a widower 6 months later and at 12 months out, I moved to be with him. We married 18 months after I lost my first husband. It was truly wonderful. Don’t be hard on yourself for finding a connection early in widowhood. Less than 3 years after we married, my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. I was heartbroken again. It took me a much longer time to consider meeting someone new again. I have been seeing a 2x widowed man for about 16 months now. We are taking things much slower than in the past. I’m okay with that. It has been 7 years since my second husband died. I’m not in a hurry to get married, but we now talk about a future together. He just lost his mother to COVID, so he has even more on his plate now. Take the time you need to address your grief (which might be complicated.) Take the time to process this recent relationship (which might be complicated.) It might be hard to be alone. I get it. I did see a counselor for quite awhile after my second husband died. It helped to put words on my confusing feelings and it validated my experiences. Hugs to you, Maureen

Your mother is overreacting.

I was raised Catholic and as a college student, chose a path on the progressive side (think social justice as a primary focus). In my mid to late 40’s, I started asking myself different questions about religion and faith, went through an agnostic period, and was leaning toward atheism when my first husband died 11 years ago. I have called myself a humanist/atheist since then. I don’t believe that my husband’s death had much influence on that change. My second husband, who considered himself an atheist since attending a Catholic seminary high school, died 6 1/2 years ago. I continue to consider myself an atheist and I don’t believe that there is any afterlife. I believe that this is the only life we have. I hate being miserable, so I try to find as much good as I can muster. It hasn’t always been easy. Maureen

Oh, Fly, my friend - you have been gone for 3 years now! Jenny's dad is gone, too. I hear he was so heartbroken after your loss that he could not cope. I hear today that some family and friends move forward, yet others are suffering deeply. Your beloved daughter - is she 9 1/2 now? I hear she flourishes, yet misses you, her mom, and her grandfather. She has your spirit, your drive, your brilliance. My life is better for having known you. The world misses you. I wish I had more words. Maureen

My brother-in-law took my husband’s collection of second-hand bookstore bookmarks. Bookmarks! I realize they meant something to him. A connection to his brother. But he should have asked. We don’t know what goes through other people’s heads.

I don’t think it is unwise to be very cautious. I have a background in health care and I know many people on the front lines in COVID heavy parts of the country. I live in a rural area that has not been heavily impacted by the actual virus and everything has reopened with some restrictions. But very few people are observing effective social distancing. All we need is one case in an environment where people live or work in close quarters and we could become a county full of disease like the meat packing or prison counties not that far from where I live. I also work in higher education now. Many of our students are not liking the online format and really want the on-campus/face-to-face college experience. It is going to take time, but we will learn to live in a changed world and eventually, this will pass. I can understand that some students are delaying their college education until after the worst of this pandemic have passed. We aren’t there yet. Hang in there! Maureen

I don’t know if there is anything customary about reaching out to in-laws. Relationships with them are all different. You lost a husband. They lost a son. Those losses are also very different. They might find comfort in your gesture to reach out to them. If you do, try not to have any expectations from them. One hard part about our losses is that very few others remember these important days like we do. Would you like someone to reach out to you? If so, consider doing that for your in-laws. It might mend some of the rift. Who knows? Hugs to you as you get through the coming days. Maureen

It has been almost 11 years since I lost my first husband. Saturday will be our 28th wedding anniversary. It has been almost 6 1/2 years since I lost my second husband. Our 9th wedding anniversary was in March. Last night, I lay awake in bed remembering both of my guys. I was feeling sad and alone and missing them, although I have many more days now when I am not sad. You will likely always miss them and grief will be a part of the fabric of your life. Right now, things are hard. Perhaps very hard. I send big hugs. Maureen

Love2fish - I wish I could see a picture of you previous stack!

Do you feel comfortable starting a conversation with your dad and letting the topic come up amongst other things so it doesn’t feel pressured for either of you? There are lots of emotions with getting married after being widowed. Your dad might feel honored that you want to share some of your thoughts with him. When I remarried, we went to Hawaii and didn’t have any family present. These are your choices to make based on your own circumstances. I think you will come to a conclusion you are happy with! Maureen

Hi. Yes, this is very, very normal to miss sex, even if it has been awhile since you were able to be intimate with your husband while he was still with you. When we lose a spouse, we grieve many things. Those things we grieve rise to the surface at varying times for all of us. Sex is just one of them. We each cope with this differently. My only advice is to listen to your heart, your gut, your own moral compass when you decide how you address your personal needs and desires. That’s truly an across-the-board piece of advice. I will add a second piece of advice - to be gentle with yourself, especially if you have mixed emotions about how you feel and any decisions you make. Hugs to you, Maureen