SquintyPud

Thanks so much, Michael- I’m a little farther out from my initial post and I do feel like I’ve made some progress in that month. And it’s as you said- some days are good, some are not. But at least I don’t feel constant, gut wrenching pain anymore. I can say his name without bursting into tears. I didn’t think that would ever happen. I would still give anything to have him back and I’ll be honest, I find myself taking more risks than I did before. I don’t want to think about living without him, but I am now seeing that even though I don’t want to, I can. i sincerely appreciate your words of wisdom and I will take them to heart. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. - Janet

Thank you so much, everyone- I guess I honestly never thought something like this could happen to us. I'm enough days into this that now I don't have constant grief, but its even scarier because I'll be fine and the next minute, I'll be the complete opposite of fine. I hate that anyone has ever had to go through this, but it does help me to know that others have been where I am and have made it to the other side where functioning is at least possible.

Thank you so much for your response- I have felt so desperately lost.

I lost my Daniel on 2/18 and today was my first day back at work. I thought being around close friends and busying my mind was the right thing, but I ended up coming home after being there half a day. Daniel is everywhere I look, especially where I work because whenever I would get frustrated with things at work (pretty common), I would text him and he’d say “you can do it honey 😘.” I don’t know how I’m going to live through this.

I lost Daniel on 2/18. He had a heart attack, but had been suffering for a long time from an inhalant addiction. He used inhalants the night he died, so I have to assume that one is the result of the other. Our marriage hasn’t always been easy, but we loved each other. That I am sure of. And while I know he spent most of his time unsatisfied with life in general and uncomfortable in his own skin, I know he did not want to leave me. He’s been abusing inhalants for years (even though I tried so hard to stop him). I really believe that he thought he would wake up fine the next morning like he had every other morning for years. I’m struggling. I don’t want to live without him. I feel like my life is over. I don’t understand why he couldn’t stop huffing; why he didn’t see himself as a wonderful soulmate as I did. I hate myself for not doing more to prevent this from happening. I’m angry at myself for spending so much time working and worrying about work instead of spending that time with him. I’m afraid that he died not knowing how much I loved him and how important he was to me. I’m devastated because I didn’t know we were saying our final goodnight and I love you until it was too late. I would do anything to get him back. I don’t know where to go from here. I came back to work today and am crying in my office. Everyone is very understanding and I’m very appreciative of that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get through the day. I know they’d do anything to make this easier, but we all know there’s nothing anyone can do. I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. I’m thankful for a forum like this. I honestly don’t know where to go from here.