Katelsam

I love this quote. For me it represents my husband--he left an incredible impression, not only on me, but on so many others. He was a selfless, genuine, loving man; an incredible husband, friend, father; and inspiration. This journey has turned my world upside down I am going on my second year in this journey and I still wake up some days in disbelief of my reality, as more and more time passes I am becoming 'adjusted' to this new life. I do my best stay positive and thank God for all the things that I did and do have. In so many ways I'm blessed. I no longer have open wounds, but some pretty nasty scars. Any wids who 'know' me know, like many others I've had my fair share of dating struggles. When I first started dating a year out after my husband passed it was a high--the abundance of attention, the nights out getting wined and dined, feeling 'alive' again, but after that bright flame quickly fizzled out as fast as it was ignited, which it always did, I was on to find the next flame getting more discouraged each time. I committed to no one and spent a fair share exploring the dating pool; which was mediocre at best. It didn't take long before I became bored with the dating scene; moving from date to date. Always on the search for something I would never find, my late husband--at least not in this life. In one way or another I was always comparing. Why? Because he was the love of my life; in many ways it only seems natural. I want my best friend, my lover, the father of my children. We were that annoying couple that everyone wanted to be. Our biggest argument was over how much to tip a waitress. We were live in best friends, with some great bennys of course, but, as the saying goes, a candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long...thus how I wound up here. All this time I was searching for something that didn't exist and therefore I was ignoring what was right in front of me. I have dated a number of guys since last summer. Many good men, others that couldn't quite hold a candle to my expectations (pun intended), but no one who could ever keep my interest. I made my fair share of mistakes....a lot of mistakes, but that's all part of this journey. Since the summer of last year I met a man whom I continued to date over the course of the last 11 months. A very patient man. We only saw each other once or twice a month. He was always respectful and made it clear that he had no problems with "taking things slow with me" admittedly, I took him for granted. He was my 'safety net' I could go out and have fun, explore the dating pool and knew he would still be there-patiently waiting--never blowing up my phone, or trying to monopolize my free time--the definition of a 'nice guy finishing last'. I realize now how selfish this was and how lucky I am that he stuck around. On many occasions he showed me glimpses of just how wonderful he was, but I was too busy searching for my 'late husband' to realize how great he was. I could never get past the fact that he was not my husband--he didn't do everything like my husband did--he wasn't this or that or didn't do this or that, but what he did do, was be dependable, honest, funny, respectful, thoughtful, caring, genuine, fun, and loving. It's true, he's not my husband, but he's a damn good man. Cue--light bulb! After all this time, my ridiculous shenanigans, and the constant hem hawing I am lucky enough that the patient man I speak of is willing to put up with my stubbornness, flaws, and all of my 'stuff'. I am happy to say that the search is over, I found my man and he's been right in front of me (patiently waiting) all this while. Yep, I lucked out! I am proud to call him mine. I was looking for a hot spark, but Instead I got a steady flame. Do I miss my late husband? Every. Single. Day. Am I happy to be in a relationship with a patient, loving man? Absolutely. He is not my husband, but he is a good man and I am A-OK with that.

With time often comes clarity. I made the mistake of sleeping with my husband's older brother. I do regret it. My brother in law came over last night. He said he's not getting back with his gf and would like to pursue a relationship with me. I felt sick to my stomach. All this happened out of the blue and it's my fault I was the one that came on to him. I made a mess and I'm so depressed. I told him that we couldn't do it, that I couldn't take the risk of jeopardizing the amazing relationship I have with my in laws. That I was feeling guilty because while I think my brother in law is a great man, I can't help but think about my late husband every time we're together, every time I touch him. In a messed up way it felt like I had my husband back for a brief time. It's just emotionally unhealthy. Truth is, if he wasn't my husband's brother, I know he wouldn't be someone I would date. He looks like my husband, but obviously, he's not. He's not the man I love. This is really messing with my head. He was wonderful about everything and said that he understood why Matt chose me that I'm a beautiful, amazing woman and he wants me to be happy above all else, that I always gave 110%, and deserve that in return, which meant a lot to me. He really is a great man. I love him and I don't ever want to sacrifice the bond we have as family. Everything to do with the opposite sex ALWAYS comes back to my late husband. Granted, this should've never happened. But I do use my late husband as a benchmark because he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm searching and waiting for something that doesn't exist. That is terrifying, isolating, and depressing. It will be two years this year, why isn't this getting any better? I don't want anyone else I only want my husband. I'm not so much comparing as I would be settling. I know how I felt with my husband. How easy it was. The selfless love we shared. They're feelings that I will never forget. I'm scared of my children growing up without a father figure in their lives and I know seeing my brother in law with my daughter was heart warming. Adding alcohol and loneliness to the mix was a recipe for disaster. I feel like I'll be single forever, I'm so hung up on my husband. He was my best friend, my everything. I can't figure out how to move forward without him. It makes me feel guilty for all the time I spend stuck in the past. Just had to vent and cry.

I do care for him and I am very attracted to him. Last night we both admitted to thinking of getting together, but neither one of us had the guts to say anything or act on it. He looks like my late husband and I find that comforting in a strange way. He's a great guy and a good father. Yesterday when he played with the kids and helped my daughter take her little baby steps it made me think of how my husband would be with our baby daughter. And it doesn't hurt that the sexual chemistry is great. In my fantasy world this is the perfect scenario--I know he would love my children...his brother's children like his own....but, in reality it's much more complicated and convoluted. As for the "is he single" he is currently on a break from his current girlfriend. They've been off and on for years. I know that we made a mistake complicating that situation, but what's done is done. I was embarrassed when I woke up this morning and realized it was real life. He had a huge smile on his face and when I was napping he came in before he left to go home to kiss me good bye. He held my hand and told me how great last night was, and has been texting me ever since. He's my husband's oldest brother...11 years older than me. His sister mentioned to her mom that he was flirting with me last night and my MIL mentioned something to me and said it was no big deal. To my surprise she asked if I'd ever consider being with him.......I was surprised to hear that she was 'pro' him and I getting together if we ever decided to pursue a relationship. That was definitely unexpected. My mother in law and I have always been really close. I am still very hungover and confused about this situation as a whole. Hopefully clarity will come as the hangover fades and time goes on. If I was on the outside I would think this was absolutely nuts, but I'm not. I have mixed feelings about this whole deal. I'm gonna step back and let him figure out the stuff with his gf. I don't want to play a factor in whether or not they get back together. I told him I wouldn't feel awkward or anything if they decide to work things out. I am not emotionally vested, but I will miss the sex. What a bizarre and completely unexpected night. Wow.

I slept with my late husband's brother last night. We were up north with the rest of the fam. A few of us went out for cocktails, we were flirting all night and then ended up having amazing sex on the dock. In all honesty I've secretly thought of this scenario, but never in a million years did I think it would ever happen for several good reasons. Well, that was a mistake. This is going to be awkward. Still shocked and embarrassed

It's been awhile since I've posted. I recently was contemplating between accepting my "dream job" and the job that's "best for the kids" I was fortunate to have several job offers, but it also brought on a whole new problem set...and guilt. My 'dream job' is working for an incredible, reputable doctor, co-workers I love, in family practice--my favorite BUT, the hours are not super 'kid friendly' I work 4 ten hour days. I have an elementary child, a toddler, and a soon to be one year old. By the time I pick up the kids from daycare my littlest eats dinner, gets a bath, and is super tired and ready for bed, my middle child is up until 8pm so I get a few hours with the other two, but, by the time I get home I am completely exhausted so I'm not the usual run around playful mom. I'm more of the play for five minutes and I am so beat I am couch bound. The more kid friendly job, that I accepted, but later decided that I wasn't prepared to pass up my dream job (which makes me feel a bit selfish). With the other job I would've been working in pediatrics, which is not my cup of tea, I would've only worked 2/3 long days a week with a full benefit pkg instead of 4 days/week and I'd have a lot more time with the kids. My mother in law was really pushing me to take the part-time position, which I initially accepted, but two weeks before the start date I reneged and took the position I wanted. Sorry for the long post. I guess I just feel conflicted, I make a good living so I don't need to work full-time, but I love being a nurse and working in family practice--love my career. I sacrificed time with my young children in a one parent household to take the job that I really wanted. My mother in law is constantly trying to persuade me to go for a part-time gig or if it gets to be "too much" to resign. This makes me feel even worse, because I know she thinks that I made the wrong decision and I'm a selfish mom because of it. I guess it bothers me, because I think maybe she's right. I don't know, I'm just kinda bummed, when I get home late from work and my time is so limited with my kids, the guilt sets in. I wonder if I made the right decision. If I was too selfish choosing what I wanted VS what's best for the kids. 'They're only little once' a phrase my MIL uses often. I have a great relationship with my MIL otherwise, it's just this issue that we don't agree. The hardest job, hands down is parenting. I am constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going to regret what I'm doing if I should've waited to work full-time until my youngest was in kindergarten. What are your thoughts on this. Do any of you feel guilty working full-time in a single parent household? Dating and my social life have completely fallen to the wayside, I figured since I took the job I wanted and sacrificed time with the kids, then my weekend social life should be sacrificed to dedicate my complete attention to my kids. Parenting is so hard. WIDOWED parenting is even harder.

Sorry for the delay, I've been incredibly busy, but here's a little update. I did land the job that I wanted so badly, but in a twisted turn of events I declined and accepted a part-time position in pediatrics at another hospital instead. While, the other position was where I wanted to be, even more important is enjoying the time with my children while they're little. With the part time nursing position that I accepted I get full benefits and will remain on call at the rehab center in town as well. This gives me the flexibility of a part time job, benefits of a full-time job, and the luxury of spending quality time with my little ones, which is priceless. This was an incredibly hard decision for me to make. It was so hard to decline the job I wanted so badly, but it would've been even harder to spend so much time away from my children. I'll have plenty of time to work full-time when the kids are in school, but in a busy single parent household of three, I feel I made the right decision.

Hi, I'm Kate-a cancer widow. My husband and best friend passed away at the ripe old age of 29. I was 27 and pregnant with our third child at that time. My late husband was an amazing, fit, handsome, selfless, incredible man; no family history of cancer and a never-smoker. He developed a dry cough and was misdiagnosed countless times before we received the life-shattering cancer diagnosis. After pushing for a broncoscopy and being told "There's no chance it could be cancer" by the pulmonologist, turned out it wasn't just an incredibly rare/aggressive, never-smoker lung cancer, but also stage IV. Three months after my husband's correct diagnosis he passed away unexpectedly from complications from the chemo; he always told me he'd take the same path a million times over to have the kids and I. He passed holding my hand. He was and continues to be an inspiration to me. I am in a better place, but still struggle with losing such a wonderful man and my kids not being able to know such a wonderful, loving soul. His life was the children and I and the pain of his loss runs to the core. Right now I'm at the point where I'm just grateful for the selfless, beautiful love we shared that many will never have the opportunity to experience. My focus continues to be my kids, career, family, and friends. I have the life I've always dreamt of with the exception of losing my better half. It does get easier with time, but it continues to be an uphill battle. As hard as this journey has been I feel incredibly blessed to have had his love and our beautiful children.

Thanks all! I have no idea when to expect a response. I sent in my resume on Tuesday and of course every day that passes I get nervous! The waiting game is so hard when you want something soooo bad!!!

Being a widowed nurse is incredibly challenging--requiring nights/weekends/holidays; less than ideal for a solo parent with very young ones. BUT, recently I came across an AMAZING opportunity I'm currently vying for. I would be working for an incredible physician, partaking in procedures, lots of variety AND incredible hours!!! Winter hours would be 730a-5/5:30 M-Thurs and half days on Fridays and Summer hours are Mon-Thurs 7-5p. No holidays. No weekends. No doubles. I have an "in" with a physician/fellow nurse at that facility that are serving as references for me. I put in an app and the nurse said they were flagging it--this was as of yesterday. Of course, now with my dream job on the line here I am FREAKING out!!! Not only would I score my dream job, the hours are incredible and a wonderful opportunity for the family life. Please send good vibes/thoughts/prayers my way. This such an incredible opportunity for our family! Fingers crossed!!!! Sincerely, the incredibly impatient and completely hopeful Kate