AndysWife

Exactly.

It's a lot easier to feel sympathy for those with a mental illness. I was downright angry at Andy for the longest time after he died.

I think he was speaking to those of us who were not dealing with a history of mental illness or chronic depression or addiction. An awful lot of people have very poor coping skills when faced with adversity. My DH was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease 2 weeks prior to his death and panicked - at least that is what we all think in the family. He was definitely not himself but I doubt that anybody would be when given that news.

Like Sphoc, I found it very comforting to read when I discovered it back at that time. I'd read an awful lot of books about mental illness, depression, side effects of prescription medicine, adoption (hubby was adopted) - anything that might help me to understand the how of why he reached that point and they were not helping. DH made a snap decision so we had no warning. I think that is why some of us SOS have a harder time / longer time making peace with it all. If DH had a mental illness that I had been forced to navigate for many years, I might have had some preparedness for this being a possible eventuality.

At the end of the day, all of the SOS members have different situations and histories with their spouse and different articles, books, religion even will speak to us differently. I just wanted to share this because we can never have too many perspectives.

Warning - it is not short.

I found this Article nearly 2 years ago that I found very helpful when trying to understand how a person reaches the point of no return. Maybe others will glean something from it also. "Joiner's Theory" stood out to me also.

http://www.newsweek.com/2013/05/22/why-suicide-has-become-epidemic-and-what-we-can-do-help-237434.html

Hello Mixelated and I'm very sorry for the circumstances that find you here.

In the beginning, I had so much guilt. My logical brain was truly battling with my emotional brain. I'm in Australia and my support group here gave out a survival booklet of the usual advice and what a SOS can expect when grieving. Included in this booklet was a short story about two mothers. It is written from their perspective but it applies equally to us I believe. What I mean is that we are damned if we do and we are damned if we don't.

[There were two young women who died by suicide,

both about the same age, both after a years-long

battle with depression. Each had made several suicide

attempts. They would refuse professional help

and stop taking their medication just when it seemed

to begin helping.

Fearing for her life, the first woman?s mother had

her committed?against her wishes?to a psychiatric

clinic for treatment. While there, despite being

on ?suicide watch,? the young girl asphyxiated herself

with her bedsheets.

The second woman?s mother constantly urged her

daughter to seek professional help. However, fearing

that she would worsen her daughter?s depression,

she refused to force her into any kind of institutionalized

care. One day, she killed herself with an overdose

of medication.

Afterwards, both mothers blamed themselves for

not preventing their daughter?s suicides. The irony is

that each blamed themselves for not doing

exactly what the other one did.

The first mother felt that if she hadn?t isolated her

daughter in that institution, she wouldn?t have lost

her. The second was sure that if she only had committed

her daughter, she would?ve been saved.

We often fail to realize that, even if we could turn

back the clock and do things differently, it wouldn?t

necessarily change the outcome./i]

Bluemoon15 - all the time. Mostly I just feel like I don't have anything to offer other to let them know I've read their post. It would be so much easier if we had a like button.

Keeptrying - you sound like I felt when my DH died except I used a lot of foul language. We had 5 kids including a 5 week old newborn so I can relate to your feelings of being swamped with no help from my or his family either. I'm wondering if you are seeing a grief counselor. They might be able to organise some help for you with the other kids and even some housework. It's worth pursuing I think.

Sometimes, just writing it all out in black and white helps. At the end of the day, you have to do what is good for you which will extend to benefiting your daughter also.

My older kids have now left home but we all get on Skype every couple of weeks and my young son just loves it. Distance isn't the problem it once was thanks to technology.

Hi - and welcome

Writing is excellent and you write well. This group is a wonderful source of information and ideas and also a shoulder when you need one. I don't post much (despite my name being everywhere at the moment - I just wanted to help make the board look a bit more active for the newbies) but I did in the beginning and I can't imagine where I would be now if I hadn't found this forum. I wish you well over the coming weeks and months and special thoughts to you at the loss of your dear husband.

I felt sad after reading the article. The world has turned into an unlivable environment for an awful lot of people. I wonder where I would be without having the baby.. nowhere good I'm sure.

I've been re-reading it after not seeing this for a few years and it still packs a punch. What an empowering thread it was/is.

I've developed issues of the auto-immune variety and it's flogging me. I'm already quite slim and the doctor wants me to switch to a vegan diet as I can't tolerate the medicines. I'm constantly tired and I have a toddler who is a real handful also. He says that a vegan diet will reduce the symptoms to an almost reversal but I am less than excited about this. No animal proteins are allowed which means booze is out too. I quit smoking in late November and food has become a real obsession so I'm feeling a bit flat at the prospect of this change.

I'm having a flare up this week so I've been extra tired and grumpy too, my left hand and shoulder is especially sore.

Back in November I had a tumour (benign) removed from my spine too. I'm still suffering the pain that comes from nerve endings repairing themselves but I can at least relax about the results. It was located smack in the middle of my back so it was impossible to lean against a chair or anything for a long time. When I went to the specialist about it, he booked me into surgery immediately due to the size of it. I don't mind telling you that I was rather afraid when he did that. Anyway, it worked out fine and I now have a new reason to get another tattoo - to cover the scar.

My DH died 2 weeks before my son's 16th birthday and I completely forgot about his birthday. I still feel guilty about it. He has no problem he tells me and he says that he didn't feel like celebrating anyway (he's now 19) but I ended up buying him a car to make up for it and I threw him a huge 18th also. Still, I wish I had have celebrated his birthday as every kid deserves.

Having a small get together for your daughter is still acknowledging her birthday. I was never into the sweet 16 stuff when I was that age but I was all for going out for dinner. My daughter on the other hand loved her 16th and 21st parties but she is into that kind of thing.  I was forced to have a 21st and I hated it. Everybody will have different opinions I think. My advice would be to do as she wishes.

My son is 3 1/2 but I bought him Spiderman underwear and that did the trick. (He loves superheroes) Number twos took a bit longer, he would go and put his pull ups on so he could do his business because he just didn't like using the toilet for that for some reason.

Channel the anger into something productive like housework or exercise. I had the cleanest house and yard for miles around! I do recommend exercise though. It was the absolute last thing I felt like doing but it makes us feel better, walking especially. Sometimes, it's just good to get out of our heads and not think for a while.

Eating as much healthy food as you can manage is also helpful with affecting our mental state.

IF I was on a dating site - I would be there to meet people - therefore, exchanging numbers is kind of necessary I would think. People always have the option of saying "no" if they are not interested too. Remember when there was no online dating and people just gave out numbers? Where did those people go? I like those kinds of people.

Nothing of value to add but I wanted you to know that I read your post and it still affects me when people (his family included) forget or ignore his special dates. Intellectually I know that I am being unreasonable but meh - I am what I am.

I was forced to move 2 months after my DH's death and it turned out to be a good thing for me to do looking back. I've spent 3 1/2 years simplifying my life and it has made all the difference - especially this last year. I think buying a condo is a great idea if you aren't a fan of outside work.

I've haven't started dating yet so I have nothing on that front but others will have suggestions.

I really like this post. I spent a lot of energy resisting every bit of it as it was happening though. Thanks for sharing it again

I'm at 3 1/2 years now and I've only recently felt like I have a bright future ahead. I was a bit slower also due to having a baby, older teens, family problems, legal problems - all things that needed a lot of my attention in the early days. (I think that was also the reason that I was so angry a lot of the time - I just never had a moment to myself) oh, and Suicide kinds of smashes you too.

I was divorced prior to meeting Andy and that experience taught me that I could feel like shit whether I was working, travelling or just sitting at home so I might as well be doing something beneficial to my future whilst grieving so that is what I did. My older kids who are all adults now, left home a year ago allowing me to just be. I'm slowly returning to the old version of Wendy but there are aspects of this version which I quite like - and dislike. Maybe when I find her again I will be more certain of being BAG.

Gosh this is a good post. I haven't read it for a long time - since joining - but it was exactly what I needed to be reading at the time. Thanks for reposting it

1) I have the next week off from work

2) I have booked a 4 day holiday to Sydney for late April

3) A new kebab shop has opened where I live and I demolished one for the first time in nearly a year

It's a good day

For some reason, I am having trouble knowing what to write here.. anyway I will muddle through..

I found the site 2 days after the suicide of my husband and joined 2 weeks later. I became almost addicted to the forum as it felt like the only sane place on Earth at the time. That was 3 1/2 years ago now. I was the one to find my husband dead in my loungeroom and I administered CPR along with my then 15 yr old son until help arrived.

I read a poem once that was called The Raging In My Soul and that is how I would describe the first 2 years of my recovery.    His death, suicide, us, it was all consuming to say the least. If I wasn't crying I was pure anger but when I reflect on those 2 years, that anger served me well. I got stuff done! I now know that anger is really fear and hurt in disguise but I was facing quite a few legal battles and family ones also and combine all that with not sleeping from doing night feeds with a newborn, well, you get a storm.

Life is very different now, which is important to share with the new members of SOS. When this first happened, I thought I was going to feel that hardcore grieving forever. When I think about Andy and what happened that day, I feel melancholy and sad for him. His suicide was just so unnecessary but I no longer feel sorry for myself. My head is clearer, I've returned to work last month and I even quit smoking just before Christmas.

I am not finished with it yet though. I'm still trying to figure out where I go from here but I am in no rush either.

The song Blackbird was inspiration for this