AndysWife

Hi Hayley Nicole, Are you able to have a close friend or relative stay with you or can you stay with them for awhile?

It staggers me that people insist on involving themselves in situations or relationships that are none of their business. Cut and run.

Of course it's still there and I worry about this also. My little boy (5) has his whole school future ahead of him without his dad. My older kids now in their 20s, lie. They say it's easier and I have to agree with them. 5yr old is asking me daily questions about how his dad died and I have yet to answer him as I am not ready to deal with it all just yet. Luckily, distraction is working for now but that wont last long. Suicide is such a hard thing to comprehend and overcome for us so I can't imagine how hard it would be for a kid. I wish I could keep the whole thing a secret from my little boy and lie to him if I'm honest.

Oh dear... he's a party animal.. wonder what he does on a second date lol

I agree with the suggestion of exercising. Whenever I am overwhelmed (I also just moved etc) I find physical work or activity to do so I can get the bad juju out. I also had a big cry Jan 1 over DH leaving me to do it all. It sucks having to do everything alone, it's unfair, it's difficult and no amount of time passing changes our workload re kids, money and housekeeping and in my case - caring for the inlaws. Addiction is a toughie.. it always will be. Wishing you luck with rebounding quickly because it's hard finding new ways to feel ok.

Happiness is but one colour on the rainbow of emotions..

Yep yep yep. I think of myself as still in my thirties but I'm 43. My peers are aging. Our 4 older kids are all adults now. I feel like I've been asleep because it's all gone by so quickly and yet it hasn't. My 5 wk old baby is now 4 and a half and I barely remember any of his first years. Thank God I have a bazillion photos of him. It's almost as if I've been in slow motion

I hear you too SB.

I got a large tattoo on my right shoulder blade on the 3rd anniversary. My DH hated tattoos on women but I love it and so do his parents. I got a black and silver feather with black birds flying out of it. It was based on a song about the suicide of the singer's good friend and I pinched his idea. My adult kids think it's fantastic too. Some people visit graves, some people don't. Tattoos are a bit the same way..

That is a major thing to do so well done to you. I wish I had that kind of courage

I have been with my inlaws every day and night this week as my FIL is dying in hospital. It's incredibly tough to say the least. Today, my FIL told my stepson, MIL & I that the people in the room were too noisy. There was nobody else there so my MIL asked him to repeat what he said and he said that "Andrew" and his own brothers and sisters were talking too loud as they were leaning against the wall. Andrew is my DH. We all looked at each other and I had to leave the room as tears started and I didn't want to upset my MIL but she was in the same state as me and came out with me. I am an aged care nurse and work with end of life residents mostly, and this is not uncommon but the idea that DH might have been there is more than a bit exciting for me to think about. My FIL only said the names of those who have passed so I can't write it off as hallucinations and he isn't on any morphine or any other mind altering drug. I am not religious or spiritual (I sometimes wish I was) and I am skeptical of most things in general but boy this has affected me. I don't have any questions nor do I need any advice, I just wanted to share this among people who wouldn't be weirded out like those in my real life.

One thing I've noticed over the last 4 years, is that the majority who believe it can be prevented are the parents or siblings of the deceased. Those who march are rarely spouses (in Oz at least) My husband lost many friends to suicide before he died and I've lost 2 female friends to suicide in the last year (one only 3 weeks ago) and I know for a fact that my husband changed when his best friend suicided and I bet this happens a lot to SOS friends. I even know parents who have suicided after the suicide of their child. My own son was stopped in the act of hanging himself by my daughter one month after my husband died so I for one do believe that it sets off a chain reaction/domino effect. I just wish people put as much effort into supporting or helping those left behind like me and my kids.

WOW.

In Australia, one organisation called Beyond Blue, is now running programs to teach life skills, correct thinking processes and coping strategies to adults and older teens who live with addiction and or chronic depression with a view to launching this program in high schools also. This was launched on World Suicide Prevention Day and I couldn't be happier about it. I don't think those who had mental illnesses could have been prevented but people who fit the above might have a chance now.. only time will tell I suppose.

100 thank yous. I've not been myself lately and I have some extremely stressful and unusual problems right now so I am second. third & fourth guessing everything at the moment. After getting a little bit off sleep, I can see that I'm worrying about 'what ifs' rather than 'what is' which is silly of me. I agree with your replies though. It's not like I 'have to' do anything and I certainly have the ability to exit a future relationship if it doesn't suit me. I know better than to compare myself to others because we all have different needs and coping abilities but I'm a bit frustrated with myself. I can see the change in my personality since it happened and I just can't seem to shake the negativity that appeared when he died so when I see others "happy" (whether it is real or not) I can't help but wonder whether I have more problems than I care to deal with - does that make sense? To Mizpah.. when you said that I am minimising my feelings, it struck a chord with me. I use that kind of terminology all the time (I'm Aussie) and I'd never considered that before so I will be paying attention to that in future. Thank you for that.

Two of my widowed friends got married to 2 different people this weekend. One was widowed 2 months before me and the second one was widowed more than a year after me. Both are my age - only one has children though. I know it is wrong to think this way but I cannot help it. I find myself comparing my recovery to theirs and I am nowhere near them. I marked DH's 4th anniversary 3 weeks ago and I really expected to be further along than I am by now. Recently, a friend remarked that my best years are going to waste and her comment hit home. I'm 43 and I haven't had sex for 5 years. I've never been on a date, I always decline because I can't let go of DH yet for some reason. Added to that, I am very scared of only attracting men with similar traits to DH. DH died by suicide and I would be lying if I said that he was a low maintenance personality. I'm not afraid of a relationship failing or even of being widowed again because I have trust in myself to overcome disappointments etc but I just can't be bothered if I am destined to attract more of the same. Was or is anybody else afraid of anything like this?

Yep yep yep. I remember when I was in grade 4 and we were having a class discussion about different types of families as no fault divorce had just been made legal here in OZ and I was made an example because my teacher knew my mother had just left us. I remember feeling angry and embarrassed and even ashamed too. My best friend Lia (who I named my daughter after) had it even worse though. Some other girl in our class called out that my situation wasn't as bad as Lia's because she was adopted - implying that neither of her real parents wanted her. Being adopted affected Lia and Andy until the day they both died. My son's 11yr old half sister became an orphan of suicide just this weekend and she attends a small school in another state and she must be very worried about facing the other kids this week - along with everything else going on down there. In your shoes, I'd pull my son out also. I imagine it would be hard for the kids who have to sit through similar lessons after losing a parent to alcoholism, drugs or other frowned upon deaths also. We studied those topics every year back in high school. I never thought about that until I read your post.

It sounds like a headache if the organisers are like that. I agree about the legacy thing too.

I just hit the 4th anniversary this week and I must say, I'm a bit tired of thinking about everything to do with suicide. I understand your dilemma though because I have been asked to participate in a counselling group over here for the newly bereaved by suicide. I *want to be able to help because I was on my own when it happened to me and I hate the idea of new widows being left to flounder, especially those with no supports and small kids like me but at the same time, I want a rest from it all - as if that's ever possible but I hear you and you make complete sense.

Keeptrying, I felt much like you also when he first died. I think it's the shock of it all. 4 years later and I can now see him for who he really was rather than who I thought he was. I received similar comments from our friends and my family but my inlaws were not surprised. They neglected to mention his history (as did he) to me before or during our marriage but told me about him before the funeral. Great huh? That's helpful (sarcasm). I don't tell people how he died. I don't like to think about it either but I keep it to myself these days as it's nobody's business unless they knew him. The rest are just nosey I find and I wont indulge them. It's hard to speak highly of someone when it ends with suicide - rightly or wrongly. People judge and I have a short fuse so it's best to skip the whole thing. We had a 5wk old son when he died and one thing that stands out to me is a comment that he made the day before he died. "I've ticked all the boxes now" which causes me to think that he was dis-satisfied, hoping for to feel something different or something.. I dunno, we never will.

We had 6 TVs 4 years ago - I now only have 1 in the living room which runs kids shows only for my little boy - and no cable. I watch my football team for 2 hours each weekend and that is all, I don't even watch the news anymore.

I hear you. I still feel anger also.

At two years, 2 of my kids and I flew to the USA. We began in New York and went to Arizona, Hawaii, Las Vegas & finished with California. I sprinkled some DH's ashes at the Grand Canyon as he was supposed to be on this holiday with me and he wanted to go to the Canyon and I sprinkled some more of them in Las Vegas as he was particularly keen to go there also. He and I had been planning this trip for nearly a year before he died and I felt extremely anxious about going without him but I was determined to follow through with something that I had been wanting to do for a very long time. I met up with some fellow SOS members in New York one day for lunch and it was just wonderful and we have remained great friends. My kids and I spent a month having a blast (MUCH NEEDED by then) doing the usual tourist things like Disneyland etc but it did feel weird being in another country on the other side of the world without DH. I also had another son who remained back in OZ while doing his final year at school so it was weird parenting via Facebook too. My daughter loved it so much that she went back six months later with her boyfriend lol.

Clearly - I had no imagination in those first few days after he died. I've been thinking about changing the name as I no longer feel like I am his wife anymore. I am most certainly still his grieving widow but I don't want that to be my focus anymore either. I call myself Slave2three in my quit smoking group - maybe I will change to that..

Of course you are worn out. My own mother actually verbalised this a few years back - "Now that you are widowed, you can take care of me" despite the fact that she already disinherited us older 3 kids from her first marriage and has 2 adult sons 26 & 29 from her second marriage STILL living with her. I have kids too mind you. I also made the mistake of moving to the beach last year. My extremely elderly inlaws decided to quit the church and move here too after barely seeing them either before or after DH died. They expect me to call in with MEALS every day also. They tell me that it is because they want to see more of my toddler son but they only growl and criticise him when they do see him. The truth of it is - they want me to look after them. MIL often tells me that DH offered to take them in when they got old and one night, she also dropped the bomb on SIL and me that they can no longer afford to pay for their funerals too. They sold their house and now rent after squandering the lot - not once helping me with anything. (I quickly piped up that I already paid for my dad's and for DH's funeral and there was no more money) We are in very different situations though. I have no history with either my mother (I was raised by my dad) or my inlaws who were also absent until DH died so I feel no obligation to do anything. Maybe you could think about having a conversation with them all and implementing a schedule of sorts because everybody will suffer when you eventually burn out..