ChrisMyLove

Hi I am Alexandra, but mostly known as ChrisMyLove on ywbb. I finally made it here. I lost my Chris on 12/31/2012 and although I am doing "better" I miss him daily. Here is my original intruduction, I have not reread it since I wrote it and even now I am only copying and pasting. Here goes..... On 12/31/2012 I lost the Love of my Life to a horrible event. Chris and I met on 3/28/2005 and it was Love at first sight. I was a bit worried at first considering at the time I was 31 and he was only 24. But I could not escape his charm and his devotion to make me feel secure and loved and to eventually wipe all my doubts about our age difference away. He "grew up" to be this wonderful, amazing, loving, kind, always happy, helpful, sweet kind of guy a woman can only dream of. He would hold open all doors for me to the point of even telling me not to touch the door handle in the car, walk around to the driver side and open it for me. I work nights, so once he heard me wake up in the early afternoon and head for the bathroom he would start my coffee for me.There are so many little and big things this wonderful man did for me but most importantly: HE LOVED ME!!!. He would tell me and show me daily and in all the time we where together never "slacked", if anything he got more attentive. Every hour spent with him was a happy one. We had our ups and downs of course, but no matter how bad things got in life we knew we could depend on each other. Chris loved making new friends and hanging out with them, playing games, BBQing, watching Football..... On Sunday night/Monday morning at about 2 30 am he came home from watching football with his friends.He wasn't supposed to have gone out but some game times had gotten changed and he begged me: Baby, its the last football Sunday. Come on..... So of course I said yes.We talked and texted throughout the night and he kept telling me he would stay out a bit later, and a bit later.....Well, at 2 30 am when he came home he was rather drunk and late so of course I was upset with him. We had a slight argument and he kept apologizing and asking me to pick a movie( we are night owls and watch movies every weekend once he gets home until the sun comes up or we fall asleep). We did our usual routine, he took his jersey off, hung it up, shoes in the corner, I got something to drink, he went to the bathroom....... We have a small house so no matter where we are the conversation continued. I went to the room I had been all day to shut of the heater and turn of the lights and computer when I heard this aweful noise come from our bedroom.... My first thought was : Well crap, now his drunk ass broke the big screen.I ran into the room and saw him laying on the floor and thought shoot, he passed out hit his head now I got to keep him awake cause he might have a concussion. This is all happening in seconds, I reach down to touch him and shake him awake when out of no where a pool of blood appeared under his head and started spreading.. I screamed : Oh my God Baby, What did u do???? Ran, called 911 ............. He was pronounced dead at the scene and my World ended. I don't know what happened, I don't know how it happened. I have a million questions and regrets. I wish I never left the room and just stayed with him in the bedroom,I wish I had never gotten mad at him for coming home late, I wish I had said I love you , I wish I had never let him leave to watch football in the first place, I wish I could turn back time............ I miss Chris every second of every day.He is the Love of my Life. He made me the happiest woman on earth for almost 8 years. We had so many plans for the future. I feel cheated out the - spending the rest of our lives together. I feel alone with no one to talk to. Chris was my person, no matter what I needed to talk about he would listen.We would talk, phone, txt, every few hours. I am so angry at myself for not realizing how drunk he was. I am mad at myself for not just being happy he was home. I have lost all will to live. I used to be afraid of death now I wish someone would just run me over with there car. All I do is cry, yell, scream, beg him to come back. I wish I could just stay in bed all day with his picture and never speak to another person again. But the bills have to be paid. I cannot sleep, when i do I have nightmares, food is hard to keep down and the pain in my chest when i think of Chris is unbelievable. I feel like I must be a horrible person to deserve my happiness just snatched away and replaced with this horrific pain and suffering. There are times I just don't see the point anymore and I ask myself why I am sticking around.Why not just end it all? If it is true that your loved ones are waiting on the other side why should I have to wait 20 30 40 years to make it there and in the meanwhile live with this grief. So this is my story, sorry that it is so long. Thank you for letting me vent. _________________________ My Love...My Life...My Person...My Best Friend...My Soul Mate... I love you Baby!!! Chris 9/6/1980 - 12/31/2012 (the day my World ended)