Jess

Like, very much, and so impressed by the maturity and empathy shown by Justin's DD! Thanks for sharing such a positive update.

Me too! I have thought many times about how I would react if I was in her shoes. I'd like to think I'd be mature about it like her, but honestly I think I would have fallen short in that regard. It was important to tell her the truth about what was going on before his trip, and her initial reaction was tears. But, she is a thinker and she sat with it for a while. She made no effort to stop him from coming here. We knew we wanted to see each other again soon, but also knew that while she couldn't be allowed to call the shots, she needed to feel free to share how she felt about things and that we needed to come up with a way to make her feel as included as possible. While I don't have kids nor have I ever dated anyone with kids, I knew that if this was going to work, she had to at the very least not hate me. I had no idea we would build such a wonderful relationship, but I consider her being in my life just as big of a gift as having Justin.

It was my idea to offer her to come out and visit as soon as she did and I think it surprised Justin a little. I figured if she decided she wasn't ready, she knew that she was welcome and wanted. If she wanted to come, then that was even better, despite how incredibly terrified I was. She would later tell us she was close to not coming, but decided to pretty much the week the trip was to happen. She also said she didn't want to like me, but ended up liking me anyways. She said it helped that I am nothing like her mom so she realized this was something new, not an attempt at replacing her mom. I have also been very clear with her that I have no interest in replacing her mom, that I just want to be one more person in her life that loves her, that she can count on to support her, and that is rooting for her happiness. She has gotten to know my late husband, Joe, through my stories as I have gotten to know Marsha through her stories. I know without a doubt Joe would be so happy I have Justin and and his DD and that he would have really liked them as people. Knowing that I feel that way makes her happy. She is just so incredibly special.

We have a moving date for Justin and his DD to move to Arizona so we can be one family under one roof (at least until DD heads to the dorm in the fall)- May 29th. 76 days away. I am beyond excited! This has been a long time coming and getting a date was dependent on how many snow days his DD got. Now that graduation is scheduled, we are making real, solid plans.

This has felt like a really long time coming. We first figured out there was more to our friendship than just friendship in early November, 2014. He first came to visit me a month later in December to see if this was something real. It was. We offered his DD a chance to join him for a trip MLK weekend in January 2015 to meet me. She had voiced that she was worried she would end up left behind, which was an unacceptable way for her to feel. It took a while for her to decide whether she would come, but ultimately she went for it. She and I were very nervous, but we found our footing with each other quickly and it did not take me long after that trip to realize how much love I have for her. We are very blessed she kept an open mind and didn't assume her dad had gone off the deep end! On their way home from the airport on that trip, she solved our problem of how to close the gap between us when she started talking about wanting to check out Arizona colleges. Fast forwarding, she is enrolled for the fall semester at Arizona State University. Life is a strange trip.

Waiting has been very hard as we both know that tomorrow is not guaranteed, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am feeling so grateful for the gift of our new family. Now to find a way to get those 76 days to pass quickly.

Hey Rob, I have the button in the banner at the top where it says "Hi Jess!". It should say "Unread" and "Replies". Is that what you were looking for?

Guess that depends on what you enjoyed 13 months ago...

Thank you all for your kind words! I have been thinking a lot about the past year and the beginning of this space, which wouldn't be possible without Lewis. When YWBB shut down without warning, I felt helpless and angry. It was one more bit of something I needed being ripped away without warning. The loss of my husband was unexpected and I was set adrift. Finding the community saved me in so many ways. It made me feel that I was not crazy, which was really what I needed more than anything. It brought so many special people into my life that I count as friends. It also gave me the love of my new life. It was unacceptable to lose the community that gave me all of that, so it was that sort of anger that made me do a stupid thing and set up a sort of muster point that weekend. In hindsight, I have no idea what the hell I was thinking, but it will never be something I regret.

That weekend was crazy with little sleep, tons of messages, members of the community tirelessly taking to PMs to spread the word, and people stepping up to volunteer to help or stepping in when asked. Poor Justin got roped into all this as a co-admin and never complained. We knew the new home wasn't the best option, but we were unsure what to do, which was a bit scary because we didn't want to let anyone down. Then came Lewis with this wonderful site which could be the permanent home we all needed. A year later, here we still are. We lost a lot of history and that will always hurt my heart so deeply, but we are starting to build our own here with tens of thousands of posts already and that is incredible.

So, while I appreciate the shout out, it really needs to be given to so many others. Lewis and Justin as administrators, present and past moderators (Jen, Bluebird, Baylee, Wifeless, MrsT85, Shelby, and Lisa), the group of members that spread the word via PM, and every member of this community that with every post builds a resource for those new to this journey that need to know this is so incredibly hard, painful, and ugly but it IS survivable,  and even if it isn't very pretty there can be beautiful moments of triumph, rebirth, and happiness. That resource saved me and I hope it continues to the same for others.

Thank you all.

If I posted what I really, really, really need right now, this site would immediately be reclassified as porn. FML.

 

I was told that this thread at the old site was very descriptive like that lol.

Yes, that is the point!

Nursing both allergies and a cold with a little fever. Buried at work so also working from home, resetting my vpn every few minutes. FML.

PJ, great idea. I went ahead and pinned it so you don't need to worry about bumping.

My heart hurts for you, SailorGirl. It just isn't fair. I wish I knew the right thing to say, but my thoughts are with you. Just heartbroken.

Tracey, thank you so much for continuing to share your story with us. I think about you often and have for some time. At first it was hoping you would have the the courage to leave the bad situation and then once you did, sending positive thoughts for you and your son to build a new life. I had really high hopes for you, but you keep exceeding them. I hope it is not taken as patronizing to say I am so proud of you, so I will go with I am so proud to "know" you. Keep on updating us as you continue your journey of healing. You are so inspiring!

In the years before my husband passed, we had been trying for a child. I got pregnant once but it didn't take. I can relate to the heartbreak of getting a period when you wish there was a reason you weren't getting it. Peace to you.

It is unbelievable, isn't it? I always put it that time had the audacity to keep marching on without him. I am wishing you peace and comfort on this day and all days to come. Have a good holiday, fern.

It makes total sense to be scared of the what ifs. It is a big deal to uproot your daughter. For me, I have decided I would rather have the regret of going for something I want than regretting what could have been in the road not taken.

You said "my daughter loves her like a mother." How amazing is that? I think that even if one of the bad what if's could happen, that statement informs how good the "what if" of making the move would be. Since I don't have children, I don't want to give advice as though I have the credibility of understanding that situation, but that one line continues to stick out to me and I do think it is a big deal. My love's daughter is older, but she likes to see her dad happy. I suspect a lot of daughters would want the same thing for their dads.

I think as well it matters that this is not just some half cocked flight of fancy you would be taking her on. This is a relationship that is long term. Despite breaking it off due to the distance, you both keep coming back to each other. What you describe makes me feel like this is the real thing, and finding that twice in a lifetime is such a gift.

I met my new love 11 days after becoming widowed, but didn't figure out we would become more until I was a bit over three months out. Crazy, right? Anyways, we are in a LDR and after the first time we met in person, we knew we needed an end game, but we weren't entirely sure what it would be. There were three main options: I move there, he moves here, or we move somewhere else altogether. It wasn't until his daughter came out to Arizona to meet me that the decision was made for us. She luckily fell in love with my town and decided she wanted to go to college here after she graduates. That made things so much simpler, except for the excruciating wait for her to graduate so the move can happen. It may have been the decision anyways because the job market is better here than where he lives and my job has a lot of room for career growth.

So, from my experience, agreeing on some sort of end game is really important to a LDR succeeding, and it feels like from what you have written that this is the sticking point. In all honesty, it feels like things add up to you committing to moving to Ohio to be with her. To echo Trying, what is holding you back? I am admittedly more prone to take risks and throw caution to the wind, but you have love, a family dynamic. That all sounds worth it to me.

I don't tend to cry at pictures, but I do sometimes pause and think something like "I still cannot believe that happened." It is a weird thing to accept something as reality but still not really believe it happened. The thing that never fails to make me cry are letters from the donor network. Those are hard.

I had to move at about 10 months out. I couldn't afford our home on my own and figured I could use the opportunity to live closer to work (by 25 miles!) and my parents. It was hard to leave, but it was also a relief. There aren't ghosts in my new place. I like the area I live in quite a lot and have not gone back to where I lived before even once since. There is nothing for me there, and it feels like my whole future is where I am now. If your heart says leave, you may want to listen to it. If you are conflicted, you lose nothing by staying until you are ready to make a decision, which may end up being to stay. Many of us have stayed in the homes we shared and it works, but for some of us it doesn't. For me, it didn't work to stay and I can say it is a positive life change.

Same to you, ieh21. Very sweet.

I don't have anything that amazing, but I got a hug from a poll worker when I went to vote about three months after my husband passed when I broke down upon seeing his name on the list. It was a nice gesture.

Thank you for sharing this. What an amazing story. Bask in the proud mama glow!

Mine hasn't gone anywhere. I love LH today just as much as the day he passed away. I look at it as my heart has grown to give more love.

And screw anyone that wastes the love you give, RP.

Mike is right. For the right person, you make it work. My LDR is 1800 miles away so it is not only logistically inconvenient, it is also expensive to see each other every month or two. Yet, we have such an amazing connection that all the waiting, cost, and everything else that goes along with it is worth it.

I have a rather contentious relationship with my MIL so I did not feel she had a right to know (the contention is a result of her stealing LH's identity, stealing 3k of our wedding money, and stealing some of his things after he died). My SIL is wonderful and I felt she needed to know. She has been very supportive even though it did make her feel a little weird. When she finally got to "meet" him through Skype, she felt so much more at ease and offers her support without the reservations she had before, which means the world to me.

First. let me offer you a tight hug. Please also don't feel as if you can only post here if you have something positive to post. We are here to support you. That support includes pats on the back when you've made accomplishments, but also reaching out a hand to help pull you through those really dark patches so many of us know well. Also, if people only feel they can post positive things, it makes everyone else who is really struggling feel like there is something wrong with them.

This! Widowhood is hard.. so hard and a major reason this community exists is to share the dark, awful stuff you can'talk say elsewhere. We are here for you. We don'the need the guise of "everything is so much better now" to want to be here for you. We have all been there, many of us are still there and some of get there on occassion. I have said so many things to this group of people I could never say to people in my every day life because they would be terrified of my thoughts. To me, it is positive to share, no matter what you are sharing. So please toss out the idea of positive posting vs posts that show the pain. All is welcome here and more than that, we need those posts!

I am sorry things have been so rough. I wish I could make it better for you. Sharing here is a positive step. I am wishing you peace and comfort. For me, when it really hit, I was in your time frame and spent some catatonic days, and that was without everything else you have had to deal with, which frankly is so much I am baffled anyone could treat you that way. How completely awful.

I've been a little down that my go-to bad day dose of cuteness, http://cuteoverload.com/ has decided not to do any more new posts. LH and I used go to the site all the time and I continued to do so after he passed. So, I need suggestions for a new source of cute or funny.

I also go to http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ because it always makes me laugh. So what is in your silly site bookmark list?

Hi ThereseE,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband that brought you to find us, but I am glad some of the posts here are already helping. This is a safe place to say or ask anything that you want. We are all rooting for you and hope you post again soon.