K+F

Ok. I feel like I have to come clean because all of you were so supportive of me when I posted earlier this summer. I was strong and I stayed away, didn't answe texts or calls. Then came the crazy week, my SIL and niece came to visit, they brought me F's ashes because for some reason, after he died, I couldn't bear to have them in my house. I stayed up all night with my F's ashes drinking Bloody Mary's, crying, laughing, and apparently texting the boy, passing out and waking up with my jammies inside out and backward. The next day, while cleaning all of F's hoards out of my garage, my texts started pinging, leading me to read the texts I had sent the night before. Horrified and hung over, emotionally spent from purging F's stuff, I agreed to see HIM. He told me that he was sorry, that he went on one miserable date and that he couldn't really give me a good answer for why he kept looking after we reconnected. I played it cool, or at least as cool as I know how to be. We saw each other a couple of more times and then ended up making out like teenagers. It's been a little over a month, and he has been amazing to me. Somehow the tables have turned and he wants me to be exclusive, we see each other as often as our schedules and parenting permit. He keeps telling me how haunted, yes, he uses that word, that he is that he almost ruined his chances with me. Am I being silly to believe him? My gut tells me he is sincere. And he's supported me through finding a nanny and some unpleasant interactions with my family. I really like him. I want to believe him. I don't get that nagging feeling that he is insincere, but could that just be my widow brain?

I am so very sorry for your loss. Trying to keep your head above water while you are grieving and trying to help your babies through it is the hardest thing in the world! We are 10 months out and tonight my sweet son, who we adopted at 2 days old, told me that I wasn't his real mom and he wanted his birth mother. I literally felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I know he angry, and missing his dad, but still...I really don't have any sound advice, I am just sending hugs and support.

Serpico, I spent the whole day trying not to rationalize texting him. I'm proud to say I didn't! He's been blowing up my phone for the last two hours with sweet, caring messages. I haven't replied, which I fear will make him pursue me even more! (Why are guys like that????) I made a pros/cons list for him, and he really doesn't fit into what I envision my Chapter 2 partner to be at all. It's just so hard because I was essentially alone for the 4 years that I was caring for my husband. Having someone out in the world that was thinking about me, and wanted to be with me was so exciting! I seriously felt like a giddy 15 year old. And now coming home and feeling that horrible feeling of loneliness again is almost worse now than before! I know that I need to hold out for that someone who will be a true fit, but it's so hard to resist the easy "fix"!

Hello, I am K. I've lurked for months, so I feel like I already know many of you. My husband, F, died 10 months ago from a sudden heart attack. He had been recovering from a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm for just short of four years. He was a paraplegic due to the massive blood loss of the aneurysm. He was an amazing man. An Emmy Award winning producer/editor, larger than life. But he also lived life hard and fast, he never felt that anything would happen to him. It did. And the aftermath was pretty much devastating to our family. F could never accept that he wasn't "whole", he fell into a deep depression, and I had to hospitalize him. He had been mentally stable, and we were working on finding our way back to each other three days short of a year when I found him dead. There was nothing I could have done to save him, but it took me months to believe that. Sometimes I still find myself wondering. I spent four years trying my best to keep him alive, how could that have happened on my watch???? We have a beautiful 8 year old son (7 at the time), and for the life of me I don't know how I had it together enough to get him out of the house without him knowing that his dad had died during the night. Fast forward ten months. We are ok. We go to grief group, we both are in counseling, we are loved very much by our family and friends. I felt like we'd turned a corner. But today, I dropped off F's ashes to be interred, his birthday is tomorrow and last weekend I spent the whole weekend purging my garage of all the "stuff" he liked to keep. All of it is too much. Not to mention I tried my hand at dating, and found out someone that I really liked and trusted is a big fat liar! So the grief wave hits again. I know my only choice is to ride it. I am grateful that I had some really great days because they make me hopeful that there will be more. Hopefully soon...

I am so very, very sorry.

I think you are right about him coming back, he seems to always find his way back to me. I just need to make sure I stay as angry as I am now so that I won't even consider having a conversation with him, let alone see him!! He just smells SO good! And he was the best hand holder, hugger and smoocher...(TG it didn't go past that or I'd really be in trouble I'm feeling better today. I made a pros/cons list for him and he certainly isn't what I am looking for, long term, for me and my son. Still feeling a little bruised, and wondering what's so special about HER, but...this, too will pass. Thank you all so much for the amazing support! xx

Thank you all so much. I trusted him because we had a history. He was actually my first love. I will never understand why he couldn't have just said hello and kept going.

Hi. I'm K, and I've been lurking for many, many months. I lost my husband 10 months ago after 4 years of caregiving. I have an 8 year old son. I'm feeling pretty stupid and really hurt tonight. My boyfriend from college contacted me in March. We texted and talked until June because I didn't feel ready to meet or date. He pursued me like crazy. We finally went our in June and have seen each other pretty much every other weekend since. We talked or texted each day. Friday he asked me to go away with him for the weekend. Today I found out he's seeing someone else. I can't believe he's lied to me for so long and even today he was being so sweet and loving. I never asked for this, he came after me. I wasn't ready. I wasn't even thinking of dating. But he gave me hope. I was starting to feel like the old me. And now I just feel like a stupid, silly girl. I feel like he pulled the rug out from under me. I trusted him. He painted me the most gorgeous picture of me and my son, I have pages of texts of his promises. But somehow tonight I feel like I just conjured it all up in my head and nothing was real. I was with my husband for 23 years. He knew that I was raw and a little broken. How could he do this to me? I feel like this is the only place where someone might understand. I feel like he gave me a taste of happiness and then took it away and I am alone and sad and lonely again. I just don't understand why.

Hi, I'm K. I lost my husband, F to a sudden heart attack 5.5 months ago. He had been recovering from a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm that occurred in January 2011. The RAA left him a paraplegic, so I was also his caregiver for the last several years. Although he had been ill, his death was sudden and unexpected. We have a beautiful 8 year old little boy. We are both still reeling, trying to figure out our lives without F. I'm so happy to finally be able to post, as I've been lurking since right after we lost him, but my registration was never confirmed. Thank you admin and mods for making this place for us and confirming my registration so quickly!