MikeR

imissdow,

I also cried when my son (firstborn) went to college. My daughter is a couple of years away from that but I'm sure it will also be hard. I think a lot of it was that it's been the three of us for so long (11+ years for me) that I felt the family unit we settled into was breaking up. Well, if not breaking up, it was changing. I knew logically that it is the normal path our lives and those of our children take, but it was still sad for me to see him go.

About dating - I also thought I would recouple fairly easily. Not so. Cathryn and I had a great relationship and I firmly decided that I would not settle for "OK". I had a few serious relationships over the years; one that was very close, but I knew she was not the one. It was hard to break it off but it simply wasn't fair to either of us.

My preferred way to meet people was 8 Minute Dating. It's a speed dating thing here in NJ (I guess it's around in other places, but I never really checked). What I liked about it was you got to meet real people. No scammers, people looking for something other than a relationship. I went to a lot of them. Met some people I was interested in, but either they weren't interested in me or things fizzled out after a few dates. 

I was also active in online dating but that, quite frankly, sucked. Nearly 2 years ago I was about to give up and tried one more time. I went to another 8 minute dating event. I met a lady who happened to work at the H.S. my daughter was attending. I thought she wouldn't want to date because of that, but she did anyway. We're still together and we recently decided that we want to get married.

I guess the point is that you never know. Don't give up.

Mike

Euf,

And I remember you, too. In a very real way, when that board went away it was like losing a lot of close friends all at once. Glad to see some of them here.

Mike

kailee,

My wife and I were best friends. We had other friends (couples) but mostly we were happy just being with each other. All of those other friends drifted away after Cathryn died (I'm 11 years out). I am not all that outgoing and I don't make friends easily. I struggled over the years.

One thing that hold true for anyone who is looking for friends (even non-widowed people) is to get out and find things that interest you. Hiking, painting, volunteering, whatever. For me, it's volleyball. I also volunteer.

You will meet people. Some will be simply acquaintances, but some may turn into friends. You can't force it, but you can encourage it. When you meet someone you resonate with, take a (perhaps scary) step and suggest a cup of coffee, or whatever. I'm not talking about dating - just friendship.

Mike

I watched the movie "Brian's Song" tonight. Hadn't seen it in perhaps 40 years. It's about the life of Brian Picolo, a football player who died of cancer in the 1960's at age 26. My wife, Cathryn, died of cancer 11 years ago and several scenes in the movie brought me right back there. I haven't cried like this in a number of years.

I started on the YWBB, the precursor to this board. I haven't posted much here because I truly am beyond active grieving. But tonight, I just had to write to those who understand, just as I did so many times on that other board.

It's good to have a place to go when the grief wells up again. And it does, though with less frequency as time passes. Still, it never really goes away. It just lies dormant until something triggers it, as it did tonight.

I guess there's no specific point to this. I just wanted to talk to my buddies - those of you whom I haven't even met but who understand. Thanks for reading.

Mike

320Sycamore,

Maybe not delayed grieving as much as what we used to call on the other board (YWBB - I'm 11 years out) "widdabrain".

When my wife was sick I thought things were mostly normal. I mean, I knew life was crazy dealing with her illness but I really thought everything else was ok. After she died, I realized what a fog I was in. You used that word a couple of times in your post and I think I get it. The tings I did (and didn't do) still amaze me. And some things still upset me. Quite frankly, I was not myself. Not at all.

The kind of stress you have experienced quite literally does affect our brains. Some have said that there is an actual chemical change. I never looked into that, but I don't doubt it. Looking back, I simply was not thinking even close to how a normal person thinks.

It's ok - just take things day by day. There was a very wise widow on the other board who often ended her posts by saying "be gentle with yourself". Fantastic words to keep in mind.

If I may offer some unsolicited advice - you need to do what's best for yourself. Don't be overly concerned over others' feelings. Treat yourself with care and do what makes you feel happiest.

Mike

ps. A very effective anti-cancer regimen is a ketogenic diet. You might want to look into it. mercola.com is one site where you can find some basic information.

Sugarbell,

I get it. My kids were 10 and 4, 11 years ago this May. I tried so hard to keep Cathryn alive in their memories. In fact, my kids used to ask me to tell "momma stories" when they were younger. Not so much, now. As you mentioned, they know her from pictures but their memory of her has faded. I knew it would - after all, what do most of us remember from when we were 4? 

Still, it hurts that they don't know the person she was/is.

Mike

MD,

I haven't written here in quite a while. I was very active on YWBB for a number of years.

Constant pain has a way of changing your mood. I know - I had pretty bad back pain for a couple of years. Better now, but I remember how it affected me.

I'm a big believer in how what we eat affects our health (positively or negatively). For what it's worth, take a look at this:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/03/07/could-your-muscle-pain-really-be-fibromyalgia-what-you-should-know.aspx

The suggestions can't hurt and they might help. And removing one thing (your pain) from your life might just help with the others.

When things got to me, one thing that kept me going was to remember that I wouldn't ALWAYS feel as I did right then.

Wishing you peace,

Mike R

still_lost,

I, too, have changed my perspective on what's important in life. My wife had a book called, "Don't Worry About The Small Stuff - And It's All Small Stuff". How true!

What I believe has happened is that we have grown in a way that most people (those who have not experienced a similar life-changing event) have not. I think it's spiritual growth (not to be confused with religious growth) and it's one of the most valuable lessons we can learn here on Earth.

It's a horrible price to pay for such growth, but at least there is some good that can come from what has happened to us all.

Mike

Ok, for me it was like this:

1. Life is WAY different now. Some ways much better, other ways not as good. But it also took me time to realize and accept that it will always be DIFFERENT.

2. It's a struggle to balance the big and small stuff. Heck, there's only one if us rather than the two that used to deal with everything. My cope is to remember that it's harder than it was and to not let it get me down.

3. I miss Cathryn and always will, but as time goes on it becomes easier to live with. From early on I realized it would get better so I kept telling myself to have patience. Most of the time it works.

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing just fine!

Mike

Still_lost,

About a week after my wife died, her aunt, who was widowed 20 years before and has since recoupled, said to me, "Michael, things will be better, but it's different."

At the time I didn't fully understand what she meant, but her words stuck with me. Now I realize that things are better, but my life is completely (and I really mean that) different. In some ways worse than it was but in many ways better. But, again,  DIFFERENT.

I think it's a difficult thing to accept is that life is different. I think that we need to accept that and to embrace the difference. Things I once enjoyed doing I no longer enjoy (especially things "we" used to do together). Then again, I have new interests that I didn't have before.

One thing that took quite a lot of introspection was to understand why I was still here. If not for my 2 kids, I would have gladly left this Earth to be with Cathryn again. Now I see that this would have been a mistake. I do have a purpose here. We all do - the trick is to discover it. It's different for all of us.

Keep working on it. The suggestions others have made are all good ones. I found that when something was bothering me, rather than run away from it I would hit it head on, even when it hurt more. Eventually, I was able to resolve the issue (well, most of the time).

Be aware of the things that make you happy and those that make you unhappy. Gravitate towards one and away from the other. It takes time. I'm still working on it.

Mike

Hey guys,

As you know, I'm not a FB user to any great extent and I haven't been coming here all that much either. I'd love to see everyone again so I will try my best to make it tomorrow. My daughter has a soccer game in the morning but it should be over in time for me to get there.

Mike

still_lost,

Nearly 10 years for me. My kids were 4 and 10 when my wife died. I get what you are feeling - we've all been there. It's gotten better for me but life will never be what it was. Accept that.Still, it does get better.

This site is a continuation of the old YWBB and when I found that site it was such a gift. Having a place to talk about what I was feeling and to hear what others were feeling was the best therapy I could ask for. This site is the same, so it's great that you are here.

Please, your life is not over. There is a life without your SO. It's just a different life. I am also a person who doesn't have many people to talk to - all the friends we had are gone. I have made new friends, but they are not the kind I can share my deepest feelings with.

Still, life is good (relatively speaking). My kids are ok, I do have a social life of sorts, I don't cry that much these days. Recently, things are looking a bit better - I met someone who I think has a lot of potential.

The point is - I've had good times, bad times, felt very positive about the future and very negative about it. What you are feeling now won't last forever. Keep living day to day and look forward to a day when you feel better. It will happen. Believe that, really. If you insist that it won't ever happen, you may find that it is a self fulfilling prophesy.

Mike

Someone from the *old* board was audited - it happens now and then. Basically, they are just doing a random check. You likely can show that you paid more than you are getting to take care of your kids without too much difficulty.

There are a lot of living and entertainment expenses that qualify. Some are:

Rent (you said no mortgage, but your rent also qualifies)

Food (if you charge your groceries, pull out copies of the CC bills and circle the ones from supermarkets)

Utilities - light, heat, water, trash, etc.

For the above, you can use a portion of the expenses. If you have 2 kids, you can allocate 1/3 to each (the last third is for you).

Clothing - same thing if you charged them

Anything for school such as supplies, class trip costs, etc.

Entertainment - sports fees, vacations, etc.

Religious education fees

Medical copays, etc.

Some of your auto expenses (gas, insurance, maintenance) for getting them to the places they need to go - school, doctors, playdates, etc. Not sure how you would allocate this but submit it to SS and see what they say.

Basically, anything you spend money on your kids for should qualify. Just get the bills together, circle the amounts that relate to the kids and send it to SS. Usually, their share of rent, food, utilities will cover the lio's share of what they get, if not all of it.

Mike

rws,

9 years for me and I can't say I cry - but I do get teary from time to time. I miss her, too. We were truly soulmates.

But as you wrote, we will never feel as we used to. How can we? This event tore our lives apart! Even so, we are still here, like it or not. So we have to decide - how do we live the rest of our lives?

You wrote that you will never get over losing him. That phrase - get over - has sparked a lot of discussion on the former ywbb (the site that pretty much saved me). I think people take it in different ways - get over him/her as in pretend it never happened or doesn't matter, get over him/her and move on with life but not forget, get over him/her and find another love.

For me, it's not so much whether I get over what happened but what do I do with my life now that it did happen. I will never find someone to replace my wife, but I don't really want to. What I do want is to live the rest of my life with meaning, with love. Love for another person, if that is in the cards. Loving someone else doesn't diminish the love I have (and always will have) for my wife. But I believe that love is the whole point of our existence and I want that again.

The complication is to find someone who understands that I can love my wife but still love someone else. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. After all, I have two children and I love them both more than anything. As humans, we have an infinite capacity to love. I guess a certain amount of jealousy creeps in for those who don't understand what we've been through.

So for me, the focus hasn't been so much on wishing it never happened as on what do I do going forward. It's not easy though. I haven't found that new love. Sometimes I think I never will. But I try. I live day to day and keep looking for the happiness I desire. I also realize that there's more to life than just being happy. Thing is, it's different for everyone. I try to find what it means to me and we all have to do the same.

Most people don't ever have to think about the things we think about. In a somewhat perverted way we have the advantage of seeing a bigger perspective of life. Small compensation for what we've been through, but it's something positive - if you can see it that way.

Mike

I agree with Marlo Thomas (THATgirl - yes, I'm old enough to remember the TV show).

It's a sad commentary that the term has become commonplace enough to mean a somewhat older person (well, a female person) who is attractive. Given that, it is a complement. However, from her boss it is completely inappropriate. 

It seems that as widow/ers we have to put up with stupid stuff like this. One problem is that we are more sensitive to such insensitive comments than are the general public. Yet another cross (sorry, I'm Catholic) we must bear.

Mike

My son started college last year. On the ride home from dropping him off, I was teary, feeling his absence intensely. I remember feeling that his going away is a good thing - it's the normal progression of life - but that he would never again be a full-time part of our household. Now it's just my daughter and me.

I get the "hole" feeling you mentioned - after being away for the semester it was so nice to have him home for the summer. We had interesting, adult conversations all summer and now that he is back at school I miss that.

One thing I asked of him was to let me know when he had free time to talk (we Skype rather than just talk on the phone). He is pretty good with that - we speak about once a week. Maybe gentle reminders for her to contact you might make a difference.

Mike

I think we all feel this way about it at least sometimes2.

I generally don't have a big problem making decisions, but I miss having someone who has your back, especially with parenting decisions. My wife was the main "parent" - she was a pediatric OT and was amazing with kids so I deferred to her. Now I go crazy trying to be the authoritarian (which is completely counter to my personality), soother of hurt feelings and "fun" parent all at the same time. Sometimes I just want to hand it off to someone else and shut down for a while. But of course, we can't do that.

Luckily, my son is 19 and maturing nicely so that just leaves me with a 13 y.o. girl to deal with. (help!)

Mike

My son goes back as a sophomore Sunday. He didn't have the issues your son does, but one thing I wanted to point out is that this is the age where they can mature very quickly. College gives them some responsibility without having us right there. Getting to classes on time, doing their schoolwork, etc. The changes I've seen in my son since the day he graduated H.S. are amazing. We relate more and more as adults now.

I think you may be surprised and see your son step up to the plate and take charge of his life. At least, I am praying for that to happen.

Mike

Depends what you like. We eat a lot of salad, veggies (raw and cooked) and a modest amount of meat. Some specifics:

Buy a bag of baby carrots, they are peeled and washed, ready to eat raw, or easy to steam. My kids like them with hummus to dip into, or just plain. Same thing with string beans - they sell them trimmed and washed, ready to go. Other veggies like broccoli, cauliflower are good raw, too. Sometimes we use ranch dressing as a dip.

A common meal for us is a burger (we skip the buns - once you're used to that it's really very good - with a salad and one or two other veggies, raw or steamed.

Another idea - cut up a bunch of different veggies (all of the above, plus peppers, celery, etc. and keep them in containers filled with water in the fridge. Cuts down the prep time for meals. I use them to make stir fried veggies - just add some soy sauce, ginger powder, sesame oil, or whatever you like to make a (sort of) chinese meal. You can add cut up chicken or leave it vegetarian. Rice works well with it, too (which you can also premake and keep in the fridge).

Egg dishes are easy - mix eggs, cheese and whatever veggie you like to make an omelet. Or buy a pie shell and make a quiche (just eggs, cheese, a veggie like broccoli or spinach, and maybe some onion). Takes 40 minutes or so to bake, though.

Mike

Lost35,

I can't move past it.  Or get over it.  Or find a way to be okay with it.

 

...

 

I don't know how to fix this.  I wish there was a way to walk away from this without healing or accepting or feeling better...

We all move through this grief process at our own pace and in our own way, but there are some norms, in a broad sense. For you, after 7 years, to be unable to move past it is outside the norm. Also, wanting to walk away without healing or accepting or feeling better after 7 years is atypical.

Regardless of the pace, I think we should all be progressing over time. You seem to be stuck. If you are, talking to a professional might help. Finding a way to make peace with what happened, whatever that means to you, is a good goal. If you can't do it on your own, accepting some help seems reasonable. The alternative is to remain where you are right now. Both you and your son would be affected negatively by that over time.

It's been 9 years for me. I've come to terms with some difficult things like the fact that my children will never really know their mother (they were 10 & 4 at the time). It was hard - my instinct was to run away from the painful thoughts and feelings. But I came to realize that when I ran away, they followed and eventually caught up with me again. If, instead, I embraced the pain, felt it fully and looked for the real meaning behind that pain, it subsided somewhat, Over time, it continues to subside. It never goes away completely, but it gets to a point where it's manageable.

I'm so sorry to read of your struggles and I do hope you find a way to progress.

Mike

Amor,

With regard to our careers, everyone has their own definition of success. Some want money, or power, or prestige. Some want a good work environment or a job they enjoy more than they want a big salary. Whatever feels right to you IS right.

I made some job changes over my life, both before and after Cathryn died, that were seen by some as a step backward and for sure I gave up some salary when I made those changes. But the improvement in my quality of life was more than worth it. I never regretted the decisions for a second.

I think the same thing applies with your decision to move back home - sounds like you made a quality of life decision. Being closer to family (even if there is some friction) is probably also a good thing (well, it is to me - being Italian, family is a very important part of my life.)

I think the "logical" concerns you have will disappear if the decisions are ones that will make your life better (by your definition). Even if finances are a bit tighter, having a better quality of life will keep you healthier and happier. That will benefit your children, too.

If it helps, I think you made the right decision.

Mike

Momtokam,

Yes, I've tried it, several times. I like it better than online because online is one-dimensional. All the profiles are the same (long walks on the beach, blah, blah, blah) and you can't tell if there is a real attraction until you meet someone. Well, at the speed dating you DO meet people. Even if you don't have that attraction, you get practice talking to someone. The 8 minutes (or whatever time they use) goes by quickly enough if it's someone you don't care for.

I've met a lot of nice people who would make fine friends, but not long term partners (dated a few for multiple dates, but haven't found the one yet) so it becomes at worst a pleasant night out.

As far as going alone, maybe there is a difference between men and women - no hesitation the first time I went. Anyway, you are mostly busy talking to others. If you are thinking about it, go do it! Even if you end up hating it, it's over quickly enough.

Mike

The way to get absolutely accurate information is to make an appointment at your local SS office. Go there and talk with them. They are the ones who actually do the processing necessary to get you the benefits so what they say is what it is. it will cost you some time, but then you'll know for sure. But make an appointment or you could wait a long time if it's busy the day you go.

Mike

I agree that there are a lot of red flags here. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he says he's leaving and is in need of a few bucks before he goes.

If he's near you, tell him you want to meet him (in  very public place and let friends know what you're doing). If he keeps saying no, get rid of him.

Mike

Carey,

I don't think it's the new norm, but perhaps it's more prevalent these days? As far as carrying the conversation goes, it should be a two-way street. If not, you're talking to the wrong guy. Be yourself and if that doesn't work for the guy, move on. Sooner or later you'll run across someone with whom you click. At least, that's what I'm doing. I keep hoping.

ieh21,

Quote

 

    it's 2015. Do men still only want one thing?

 

 

Some days, I have to admit my answer is I WISH! :-)

For those days, I'll send you my phone number    (hey, I'm a guy - what did you expect?)

Mike