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MikeR

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Everything posted by MikeR

  1. Corriebean, It's been 14+ years since my wife died. I am in a good place, but it took me longer than I thought to get here. Although there is no set time to resolve grief - it's different for each of us - it's still early on for you. I think two months is not much time to resolve all the different emotions you describe. In any event, it's not really important what you call where you are. As things progress a new life will emerge for you. The new life is what's important, not whether you have "moved on" (some widdas take offense to the term - they feel it represents forgetting their loved one). Some thoughts about what you wrote: There is no way you "should" feel so don't let anyone tell you differently. You will feel what you will feel. How you deal with those feelings is what counts. However, it sounds to me like you still have unresolved emotions over your loss. I found it helpful to keep looking for WHY I was feeling a particular emotion. Once I understood why, the difficult part of that emotion became less painful. That's a LOT! I'm not sure what more you could ask for! See my comment under the first quote Let the process happen. Take things at your own pace. Don't put any pressure on yourself to feel a particular way or to feel differently. Mike R
  2. SP, I am nearly 14 years out. I lost my wife in 2006 (Breast Cancer) and at the time I had a 10 y.o. son and a 4 y.o. daughter. I rarely come to this forum - indeed, I don't come on the board much at all these days. But today I did and I saw your post. I can tell you that over these many years, I have read posts very similar to yours - the feeling of being lost, the anger, the regrets. My original post was similar, too. From what you wrote, your feelings are very much like so many of us. Please be assured that you are not the only one feeling this way. Some thoughts, for what they are worth - There are no magical fixes to what is hurting you. It takes time. However, it WILL get better. It's not linear, though - some days you will feel good, then the next day you will slide back to the depths. It's ok, it's normal. One thing that helped me is to remember that you will not always feel as you do today (or even this minute!). Another thing to consider is NOT running from the pain. We are conditioned to do that - if we touch a hot surface, we pull back. But this is different. I found that if I tried to ignore my pain, it kept coming back. It wasn't until I embraced it - accepted it and let it wash over me - that I was able to start thinking about WHY I was feeling whatever these things. Once I got a better understanding of what triggered a particular emotion, the pain lessened. For example, I had a regret similar to what you stated - why did I focus so much on work (and why did I go to work on the day she died)? I should have been spending every moment with her. But when I accepted the hurt I was feelng, I was able to examine it in detail - why did I do what I did? What did it all mean? What did she think? I found my answer (yours will probably differ) and it's easier now. It's that way with all the other emotions, too. So, 14 years later, life is good. I still miss Cathryn and at times I cry for her. But it's easier now, and doesn't last as long. It took hard work and a lot of soul searching (which, by the way, made me a much better person, I think). Just keep a positive attitude (what I mean by that is to keep reminding yourself that it will get better). Be gentle with yourself (that is a quote from an amazing widow from the predecessor board, YWBB - a person who had so much wisdom and helped be immensely). Michael
  3. CJF, The one I did was called 8 Minute Dating. You had 8 dates, 8 minutes each, with people in your age group. everyone had a name tag with their first name and a number. There was a social hour before the "dates" started and more social time after all the dates were done. You can talk to anyone there at the social times (there were several age groups attending). After the evening was done, you logged onto your account at home and put in the numbers of people you wanted to match with. If they also put you in as a match, the system would send email and phone numbers to each of you. If no match, you did not get any contact information. It's nice that way - you remain anonymous to those you did not match with and no unwanted contact from the others. I have to tell you, I talked with a lot of women and a few were really out there - one was downright scary. But most were nice people with whom I did not feel the attraction. The thing I liked was that you kind of knew right away if there was a spark and if not, you did not waste a lot of time or energy trying to figure out if the person was a possibility (as one would do with online dating). Some times I matched with several people, sometimes with no one so don't get discouraged. Michael
  4. CJF, I tried online dating sites and they were horrible - you have to weed out so many who are not as they present themselves to be. Then, you have to spend time messaging - which is only one-dimentional and does not give you a feel for who the person really is. I found that almost always that when I met them in person they were not the same as their online persona. So, I tried speed dating. Bottom line - for me, it is so much better than online because you get to meet the person. You can weed out the duds, or phonies, right away. Our sixth sense is pretty good at telling us when there is an attraction or not. If there is none, at least you only have to interact with them for a few minutes. I know it can be intimidating (it was for me). What got me past it is I focused on the facts that: 1. It was only a few hours - if I hated it, it would be done soon enough. 2. If I didn't like the person I was talking to, I only had to endure a few minutes of conversation. 3. At the worst, it would be good practice talking with new people (something I have always been uncomfortable with). and 4. No one could contact me after it was done unless I wanted to match up with them, so it was truly safe and sort of anonymous. I found my fiance this way so I would recommend it to anyone who was even thinking about dating. Don't be scared of it (it is not difficult - our expectations can be more intimidating that the reality). Also, don't expect that it will magically result in finding the perfect match right away (see below), so don't give up so easily if it doesn't work the first time. Again, it is infinitely better than online dating! More detail about my experiences The first time I went, I connected with a wonderful person and we dated for about 7 or 8 months. I eventually broke it off because I was looking for a long term relationship and I didn't feel she was "the one". Back to speed dating. The next several times I went, I had spotty results - sometimes I was not attracted to anyone, sometimes I was, but they were not attracted to me. I dated several other women but none developed into the relationship I was looking for. At one point, I seriously doubted that I would find someone this way or any other. Maybe I was too picky, but I wanted someone that completely fit my criteria. I would not settle for "good enough" (the first lady was in that category). I reached a point where I said to myself that I would try one more time, and if it didn't work out, I was going to take a break from dating - indefinitely. So I signed up for one more event. This time, I matched up with three ladies, all of whom I thought had a lot of potential. As it turned out, I called the first one, met with her and following that, I did not even call the other two - I knew she was the right one for me. As I said in the beginning, we are engaged and we plan to be together for the rest of our lives. I hope this helps you decide what to do. Michael
  5. RAM, Another piece of advice (you sort of asked for it ) I'm also not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings. It actually got better when Cathryn died because I had such intense feelings, they had to get out somehow or I would have burst! One thing that changed a lot for me is that I developed (not purposely - it just happened) a strong need to understand WHY I was feeling what I was feeling. Not just the sadness, guilt, etc. - those are the typical results of what I was going through and were kind of easy to understand. But other things popped in that didn't seem to make sense. For example, I might be reading a book and a particular paragraph made me tearful. It might have nothing to do with anything in my life - just a random paragraph. But I had to try to understand why I reacted to those words in the way I did. It helped me so much to understand who I was and who I was becoming. You might want to do the same - WHY did you react to the situation as you did? It might not be just the obvious fear of losing another loved one (then again, that might be all it is). Only you will know, once you look deeper. As far as discussing this with your NG, you know the relationship best and can decide whether it will help or not. While communicating our feelings is usually a good thing, depending on the circumstances of your relationship and this specific issue, it might be better to work it out for yourself. I hope this helps. Mike
  6. Today is 13 years. For the past 12, I took this day to have some quiet alone time and reflect on my life with Cathryn. I would visit the cemetery, some places that were special to us and just remember the good times. Smiles and tears, but in a healing way. This year it feels a bit different. I don't feel the need to keep apart from the world today. My daughter (17) wants to go to the cemetery with me and of course we will do that. I will pray for Cathryn as I often do. But beyond that, the day will be just another day (sort of). As I woke this morning, I was thinking about Cathryn but also how life has changed. In the early years after she died, I created a new life on the old board (some of you remember that board). It was a life saver for me, but it was also my social life. Most of our friends faded away after Cathryn died. I think they were uncomfortable - I was a reminder that their spouse could die, too, but also our relationship changed from a couples relationship to a couple-single one. I got it, but I wasn't happy about it. On the board I made new friends. We would have a nightly chat in the chat room and it got absolutely crazy at times. We laughed, cried and just let go with friends who understood. It was a completely new thing for me and I forgot the pain for a little while. Some I met in person. We had many 'bagos here in NJ and in Maryland, NYC, PA. One memorable one was when we took a Circle Line cruise around Manhattan. I invited everyone back to my house for a BBQ after. We had some out of towners show up - one from South Carolina and one from Alaska! That has faded away now. Life has changed yet again. I have found new local friends - non-widdas. I have recoupled. Life is more typical now, not a widower-based one as it used to be. I'm happy, but I sometimes miss the board life. It was a lot of fun (at least at times - I don't miss the pain). The Widda friends have faded away. We haven't gotten together in a long while. I think I have to reach out to them and suggest a "reunion" this summer. I miss them, too. So this is yet another strange leg in the grief journey. It took me by surprise. Thanks for reading. Mike
  7. Monique, When I started dating again, I realized that I am a different person than I was when I met my wife. I'm an adult, in many ways that I wasn't in my 20's. So it is likely to be with you and anyone you date. You will both have "baggage" (in both the good and bad sense of the word). You both have established, adult lives and adding another person to your life will require some changes. Not saying it will be good or bad, just that it will be DIFFERENT. You absolutely can fall in love again, but it is unlikely to be in the same "way I did with my late fiance". Embrace the differences rather than comparing. Mike
  8. MikeR

    FWB

    Widower40, Such a charged, complicated, emotional topic. My thought is that you and the lady should discuss it in depth before either of you act on it. If you both enter the relationship (and, yes, it IS a relationship) knowing what the other thinks and expects, it will help to minimize the potential for a bad outcome. Mike
  9. Captains Wife, Lots of great replies here. As I read your post the thing that struck me is how you and your guy have interacted on the issue. From what you wrote, it seems as though he sees it as black or white - the only resolution for him is for you to agree to get married/cohabitate. We don't know his side of that (perhaps you do but it wasn't clear from your post), but it seems as though he is thinking more of his needs than yours. An hour apart does make it more challenging to see each other, but there are other ways to be in contact - phone, skype, etc. Not the same, but still better than nothing. My fiance lives about 40 minutes away and the drive there (or here) gets tiresome but we deal with it. We are waiting for my daughter to graduate H.S. and then we will get married and move to a new place. So our solution is to talk every day and get together every chance we get. There are ways to progress the relationship other than living together. What about moving closer (him or you)? An important question is: have you two discussed each other's needs and wants? Have you explained the reasons behind your hesitation? Has he explained his reasons to you? Why would he want to marry you if he knew you were unsure about it (regardless of the reason)? It's easy to say, but it's true - communication here is key. If you two both want this relationship to be forever and you discuss each other's needs with love in your hearts, you should be able to find a resolution. It would help if you each put the other first as you continue to discuss this (isn't that an important component of love?) Clearly, the reasons behind your hesitation need to be resolved within you before you move in with him. All the points you raised - being on your own, divorce issues, etc. need to be understood by both of you. With understanding will come clarity. Waiting to get married until these issues are resolved seems like the better course here. Hopefully, he will see that once you talk it out. Mike
  10. Redhed, I am not the most socially active person and when my wife died (12+ years ago) I did not have a lot of friends to lean on, or just to socialize with. It took a lot of introspection to get comfortable with the idea of being alone and needing to rebuild my social life. You mentioned the ups and downs - that is totally normal after a loss. Healing from a loss is not a straight line. It's two steps forward, one step back. It helped me to remind myself when I was feeling my worst that I wouldn't always feel that way. Sure enough, after a bad period I had a good day (or two). Over time, the good days outnumbered the bad days. New friends came into my life and eventually a new love did, too. From what you wrote I think your guy is done with the relationship. You can't control what he thinks or feels - only what you think or feel. So perhaps it's time to let him go. It doesn't matter whether he ever loved you (you asked that question in your post) - he probably doesn't want a relationship now. So work on accepting that and building a new life. If you have unresolved grief, work on that first. The things that make us feel the worst are the things we need to work on the most. Embrace the pain rather than run away from it. Try to understand why it hurts. It's not easy, but it has to be done. And you CAN do it. Mike
  11. Ronda, I tried online dating and it really wasn't that good. It's so hard to determine if there is an attraction to someone from a picture and a few paragraphs. And, yes, there are people out there who are looking for different things. Some are looking for meaningful relationships, other just for a good time. Unfortunately, those things are not usually stated up front. I met the lady I am engaged to a different way - it is called 8 minute dating. (basically a speed dating thing). The thing I liked about is is you got to meet in person so you got the body language as well as the conversation, but it was quick (8 dates, 8 minutes each)so no pressure to stick with it if you weren't interested (most of us know pretty quickly, I think). I live in a populated area (NJ) so it was close by and easy to attend. Even so, I went pretty regularly for over 2 years. I did date a few ladies during that time, but we didn't click so after a few dates the relationships ended. Then, as I was about to give up (doesn't it often happen that way) I met my (to be) fiance. She stood out like no other did - it was the intangible things that attracted me to her. Either way - online or in person - it takes time, effort and luck. Keep sifting through the rubbish until you find the gem. Easier said than done, I know, but what else can we do? Mike
  12. RAM, One thing about What helped me deal with uncertainties like this is when I reminded myself that the worst thing I can imagine has already happened and I dealt with it. If you can deal with the worst, everything else should be easier. Not easy - but easier. This gave me the confidence to tackle whatever came my way. Mike
  13. Sc39, I'm not sure how long it has been for you (12+years for me) but depending on where you are in the journey, different ways of seeing things like faith or why this happened may emerge. On faith - While I always had faith in a life after we pass from the Earth, I had several experiences in the first few years after Cathryn's death that proved, to me at least, that she still exists. She sent me signs in several different ways. I suppose they could be explained away as coincidences, but the explanations would be complicated for some of them. I believe the simpler answer is probably the right one - they were signs from her. More importantly, I saw two different mediums and in each case Cathryn came through and gave specific evidence that it was her that no one could have known or guessed. Proof enough for me. Perhaps it would help you to find your own faith knowing that others have done so. On why - If the question of why this happened or why God would do/allow such a thing is bothering you, I strongly suggest reading "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People", by Harold Kuchner. His discussion of this topic is very well thought out, IMO. It made a big difference to me as I was dealing with the issue of why. Mike
  14. Well said, Wheelerswife. SC 39, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's 12+ years for me but I still remember very well being at a father's day family get-together (Cathryn died in early May so maybe 6 weeks out) and feeling completely alone. Mind you, this was with my brothers, their wives and children and my parents - my immediate family, the people I felt most comfortable with my entire life. It was nothing they said or did, simply that they were okay with their lives. The loss of Cathryn didn't seem to affect them. You will continue to run into people who have all sorts of "great" advice about moving on, etc. They really don't understand (we called them DGI's - Doesn't Get It). Right now you are running on empty and you don't need more stress so my advice to you and everyone is: recognize that it will happen, that they don't mean to be mean and that there is nothing you can do to make them understand. Don't let their words cause you more grief. Just let it wash over you; ignore it. There may be times when you need to find your voice, as Maureen said, and gently remind someone that their advice is not welcome, but try not to stress out when you hear these things. In the words of a widow who was far wiser than anyone I know, "Be gentle with yourself." Take it one day at a time and understand that it WILL get better. Mike
  15. stawcie, In reading your post and all the replies I think there are really two things to consider - when are you ready to date and what to watch out for when you do start dating. The calendar time is completely unimportant. Shortly after my wife died, a coworker told me that she met someone three months after her husband died. They ended up getting married and were together 15 years later. Definitely on the short end time-wise, but it worked for her. I guess she was ready (she was still grieving her husband at the time but her new man helped her through it.) For me, I started thinking about it about a year later. I've known widow(er)s that took several years before they started dating. Some emphatically state that they never will! Only you will know when you are ready. To me, the important thing was resolving conflicting feelings - guilt, feeling unfaithful to her memory, loneliness (as the sole motivator to date). Once I came to terms with what I was feeling (and what was bothering me), I was ok reaching out. I was still working on my grief, mind you. I still missed Cathryn and had good and bad days. But at that point, I had reconciled her death and that I was still here and had a life to live. When I did date, I thought I was perfectly fine and equipped to deal with anything that came my way. Thing is, the emotion of finding another person that you connect with can overwhelm your logical mind and allow you to do things that aren't really in your best interest. What I mean is, we are still fragile emotionally and it is easier for us to get our hearts broken, or to be taken advantage of. The elation of finding what we think is new "love" can cloud our thinking. So my advice is when you do start to date, TAKE IT SLOW. If the guy puts pressure on you, exhibits too much jealousy (we all can have some - just not too much, ok?), asks for money, or a dozen other things that do not come from LOVE, then take a step back and think about it before you do anything. That you are thinking about it tells me that you will be ready someday - probably not too far off. Mike
  16. A few thoughts from someone who is 12+ years out. We used to call them "DGI's" (Doesn't Get It). The term applies to everyone who has not experienced what we have. And it's true - they really do not understand what this does to us. Most mean well but ... Advice/comments - Trying stated it above - some people feel compelled to offer advice designed to "cheer us up". They don't understand how offensive some of the comments are (DGI's again). But more so, they don't understand that this isn't something that is all better in a half hour, like some TV show. I think our society these days doesn't know how to deal with someone experiencing grief. They are uncomfortable with anyone in pain. How to deal with DGI's - When we are raw with grief, the comments can feel like a spike in our hearts. Steph's cry to just STOP IT is something I think most of us feel at the time. How we react to it is the thing. We can't change what others say or do, but we can try to change how we react to it. Most of the time, they really do mean well. They just DON'T GET IT. So let it wash over you. Focus on the idea that they actually are trying to help. Then let it go. Your life will be easier for it - and you know we need any break we can get! It's OKAY for us to take time to grieve, to cry when we need to, to be sad and to be different than we were. We truly have changed and we will forever be a different person. Not necessarily bad - I think in most cases we grow and become better persons. So, 12 years after my wife, Cathryn, died, I can tell you that life can be good. It's different, for sure. I am a different person than I was 12 years ago. But I can smile now when I think of Cathryn. The crying only happens once in a while and it's much shorter lived. I have made peace with her passing and am looking forward to the rest of my life here on Earth. It took time and a lot of self inspection to understand what happened and why it happened but it was worth it. I am a better person. Two books I want to suggest reading - "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Harold Kushner and "Everything Happens For A Reason" by Mira Kirshenbaum (read this one after your grief subsides). Hang in there - my wife's aunt told me, a week after Cathryn died, that "It gets better, but it's different". She's right. Michael
  17. Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. You gave me what I needed to move forward in my thinking. My fiance is actually not demanding at all. She is the kindest, most helpful person I know. She didn't give me an ultimatum, it's just that she feels strongly about this. We're talking it through and we'll be fine. Most likely, I will want to be cremated, so the issue would be moot, unless she or the kids want to bury the ashes. Actually, I think a good resolution is to sprinkle some of my ashes on the grave next to my wife. That way a piece of me will be there, just as a piece of my life was with her. Putting my name on the stone might also be nice - but that would be up to my kids, if they want to have a place to visit both of us. I decided not to involve the kids in this because I don't think they should be burdened with this right now. It will (hopefully) be a long time before I die and who knows what changes will occur in life by then. As a side note, they never showed a lot of interest in visiting Cathryn's grave over the years. My guess is that they won't care that much. Thinking about it, I don't visit my parents', grandparents' or brother's gravesites. I don't feel drawn to do that. I think my kids might see it the same way. So perhaps this isn't that big an issue after all. I think a large part of my feeling about this was simply because being buried with Cathryn is just how it's been in my mind all these years. Sometimes it's hard to change an ingrained idea - it feels wrong to change, simply because that's how it's always been. Anyway, you guys are great, thank you again. Bluebird, good to hear from you. Tell Fred I said "Hi". Mike
  18. I need some help. I am 12 years out. I was married for 18 years and we dated for 8 years before we got married. I am now engaged to a wonderful woman I met about 2 1/2 years ago. During a discussion about a different topic, I mentioned (without really thinking) that I would want be buried with my wife, Cathryn. My fiance was very upset by that and felt that it meant I was still too tied to Cathryn. I thought that it was a common enough thing to do but she thought that it was very unusual. For her, me wanting to get buried next to my wife might be a deal breaker. It would at least postpone the wedding (planned for next year) indefinitely. I've been thinking about whether or not I really need (or really want) to be buried with Cathryn and whether or not my fiance is right in thinking that it is very unusual. I'm having a lot of difficulty sorting this out in my mind so, of course, I thought to ask all of you for your opinions on this. Other background - I have a double plot and headstone at the cemetery but my name is not on the stone (at the time I thought it was creepy to see my name on a stone when I wasn't dead yet) so that is actually a good thing from the point that it's literally not set in stone . Also, I have 2 children, 22 and 16 years old and I don't know if they have a strong opinion or not about where I would be buried. My fiance doesn't mind if I'm not buried with her, just that she doesn't feel it's right for me to be buried with Cathryn. Another thing is I had thought over the years that I might want to be cremated, in which case I wouldn't be buried anywhere. So I'm not sure I have a strong need to be buried with Cathryn but something is still holding me back from saying I won't. Part of it is, I think, that for 12 years, that was just a given so I think it's just been ingrained in my thinking. Another part is maybe that I feel I am being given an ultimatum by my fiance and I don't like being forced into things. I don't want to take the easy way out and just say ok - I want to make a decision that I truly feel is the right thing to do. So, what do you all think? Is it normal to be buried with your first wife or your second? Are any of you in a similar situation and, if so, what have you decided (and why)? Mike
  19. beth_k.. I don't get on this board much anymore (5/4 will be 12 years for me) and I haven't looked at THIS section for years but today I was just killing some time and found your post. Coincidence? Perhaps not. I'll try to keep this short. My wife, Cathryn, and I were very much in love. Cancer took her from me 4 years before she actually died. My kids (10 and 4 when she died) didn't get the chance to really know her. We were soul mates in the truest sense of the concept. I have changed so much over the years, most of it in a good way. I like who I have become. Life is different now and I never asked for different, but I am ok with it. I flip back and forth, thinking about how it would have been with Cathryn and how it is now. Both lives would be good, but they are DIFFERENT. That difference, I think, is what makes it difficult to live without lamenting at times. I still talk to Cathryn - usually in the mornings when I pray for her. She lets me know she's with me. I kind of get a tingling in my spine - that's her way of telling me she's here. I dated over the years but never found the connection I was looking for until about 2 years ago. She's different than Cathryn and yet she's got a lot of similarities. All in all, she's what I need. The kids love her and she loves them. She makes me a better person. We're engaged now and I am happy with her. Even so, it's DIFFERENT. Perhaps one part of the equation is to find a way to embrace (or at least accept) the idea that life is forever different. When you think about it, all the other things that happen to us in life also make changes in our lives. Most are just not as significant so perhaps we don't dwell on them as much. I think there is truth to the idea of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we believe life sucks and will suck forever, there's a good chance that will come true. On the other hand, if we find a way to believe that we can make a good life with the cards we are dealt, there's a better chance THAT will come true. I'm just sayin' Michael
  20. Just a word about photographs - It's coming up on 12 years for me. About a year ago, I went through several boxes of photos and other memorabilia from Cathryn's high school days. I don't know anyone in the photos (well, except her) and obviously my kids don't either. Her parents are gone and I don't keep in touch with her sisters so there's no one who can relate to anything in those boxes. As another poster said, priceless but worthless. I decided to get rid of them. They were useless to us now. I'm sure she worked hard to put those albums together and it almost felt like I was erasing her younger days. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. Less clutter is a good thing for us (we had a lot of clutter for too long and it really affected our lives negatively). That got me thinking about other photos/memorabilia. The family photos will obviously mean something to my kids. But MY teen photos already don't. I guess while I'm alive I'll keep them. But I fully expect my kids to toss them once I'm gone. Actually, I did that recently with my parents' photos. I'm sort of the family historian and all the family photos were entrusted to me. I scanned most of them and sent them to my brothers. But any photo where I couldn't identify at least one person got tossed. And so it will continue to go - from generation to generation. My kids will one day have photos that THEIR kids will toss. Thinking about it that way makes it easier to keep some that are important to me (the ones with Cathryn in them) and not keep all the rest. Mike
  21. In theory, online dating should be great - what a convenient way to meet a large number of others interested in dating. In practice, it sucks. The anonymity of the internet seems to bring out the worst in us. There are (I'm sure) normal people online sincerely interested in finding a mate. Finding them takes sorting through all the less-than-sincere jerks (men and women). What I found to be a better approach is a speed dating meetup. Here in NJ there is a thing called "8 Minute Dating". I think it is in other areas, too, but probably just densely populated places. I would search for "speed dating" in your area to see what is there. The idea is you get to talk to 8 different people for 8 minute 'dates". It's grouped by age so you will date people close to your age. There is a social time before and after the dates, too, so you can meet more than 8 people in a given night - even others outside your age group. The nice thing is that you get to meet a real, live person. You can judge their personality and intentions more easily than through some online contact. And meeting in person is WAY better than looking at a picture (IMO). It took me a good number of events over several years, but I did meet someone. We're recently engaged. Hope this helps. Michael
  22. Nymets, There is no limit on how much you earn for KIDS' survivor benefits. If you are getting DIRECT survivor benefits, there is a limit. I also was the primary earner (the only earner, actually - my wife stopped working to take care of the kiss). I got benefits for both kids and I continued to work full time, earning well above the $17,000 mentioned in other posts. Jennica, As far as saving for college goes, it doesn't matter what money you save - cash is fungible. You can't say which dollar is yours and which is SS money if it's all in the same account. If they give you a dollar and you put it into your bank account, then spend a dollar on your kids, which dollar did you spend? Yours or SS's? I have investment accounts for both of my kids, I used one for my somn's college and waiting to use the other for my daughter. I have the SS money paid into a regular bank account and then my financial guy automatically withdrawn money to put into their college accounts. I find it to be easier that way. In general: If you say you saved any amount, they will keep track and when your child turns 18 they will ask for it back and will then send your 18 y.o. a check for that amount. Although you could ask your kid to turn the money over to you, they don't LEGALLY have to. Why go through that? Just write that you spent it all. Copies of mortgage payments (or rent checks), utility bills, phone bills, etc. are perfectly acceptable documentation of expenses. If you have one child, you can allocate 50% of those expenses to them. If you have 2 kids, they each get 1/3 allocated (2/3 total!). Just copy the bills, write on the copies how much was for the kid(s) and send them to SS. The more paper you inundate them with, the less likely they will keep asking questions. An example: Monthly Major Expenses Total Amount Amount allocated to 1 kid Rent $1,000 $500 Utilities (heat, elect) $ 150 $ 75 Food $ 200 $100 Clothing $ 30 $ 50 Auto Exp $ 100 $ 50 Total $1,480 $740 Annual allocated to kid - $8,880. This doesn't include any other expenses such as entertainment, school, vacations, toys, etc. As you can see, it isn't that hard to get to the total SS is giving you! MikeR
  23. Nymets... No, there is no earnings test for you. Your kids get SS survivor's benefits flat out. I was also working full time and well over the limit for personal survivor benefits but my kids got (one is still getting) benefits. Apply right away. Tot he original poster - I know a widower who was "audited" ny SS and he had kept very detailed records of what he s[end on his kids - receipts, etc. He sent a book to them with a listing of all the expenditures, copies of receipts and their comment was "No one has ever done that before". Needless to say, they never asked him again. For your case, just send copies of your recent utility bills, rent payments (that counts as much as a mortgage does!) any credit card statements that show what you bought for the kids, any receipts you might still have. On top of that, simply list any other expenditures you can think of (estimates are ok) and say you don't have receipts. Most people can demonstrate spending above the amount they receive for the kids. The more paper you can give them the less they will bother you. Other things to think about: Entertainment (movies, school outings, vacations!, meals when taking trips) Clothing School supplies Medical expenses (you should have EOB's to oshow what you were responsible and if you don't, ask your health insurer for an annual printout) Sports team fees Allowances Don't worry, Mike
  24. CJF, Your post was stated just to be a rant and you didn't ask for advice, but that never stopped me Maybe start with forming a picture of what your ideal life would be going forward (be realistic - you can't have him back). Then think about what is stopping you from moving toward that. Address each reason you come up with, one at a time. You mentioned being afraid to be vulnerable. Explore why that might be so. You've been through more of a difficult time than most people and came through it fine. You're strong - we know that. So why are you afraid? Only you can find the answer, and then deal with it. Take it one step at a time. A therapist might help to get you started (I don't believe in long-term therapy but it can definitely help when you are not sure what to do). Mike
  25. FaithOverFear, When you are in your 20's, everyone is dating so it's easier. As we get older, not so much. I started dating about a year after my wife died (11 years ago ) and it was by chance someone I was talking to on the precursor to this board, the YWBB. It ended up not working out and I tried online dating - not very comfortable with that although I did meet a few ladies. I also tried something called 8 minute dating, which is a speed dating thing here in NJ. Long story short, I did meet people, most didn't work out, but I did finally find someone who I am now planning to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where you are exactly, but larger cities should have some kind of speed dating groups. They are better than online dating, IMO, because you get to meet actual people rather than online "who knows what's". Other ideas are to join groups that interest you - hiking, crafts, sports, adult night school classes, etc. Not a high percentage of eligible singles, perhaps , but at least you might enjoy yourself. Also, let friends and family know you want to date - they might try to play cupid. I had a few of those, too. Anything that interests you and gets you in contact with new people has the potential. Just don't get too anxious. It took me nearly 10 years to find my chapter 2. MikeR
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