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OSAAT

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  1. Rudderless, im so sorry for your complicated loss. It sounds so very similar to mine. I get it. My boyfriend and I were “twin flames” in the most painful and complicated sense of the term. I left him and he went downhill and died shortly after I left. The guilt consumed me. It was a difficult process for me. These things complicate our grief more. I hope you can find some comfort here!
  2. Hi Everyone! It has been a very long time since I have posted. So much has changed and so much is different. I spent the last hour or more reading different posts on the board. It brought me back to many milestones I have experienced along the way. I remember how difficult J's passing was for me the first 2+ years, I was inconsolable. I felt no relief and was in constant emotional and physical pain for 2 years. J's death hit me hard, it hit me harder than I could have ever imagined. All I wanted was relief. I looked forward to being "beyond active grieving", although my idea of what that is and what it actually is are 2 very different things. I had the strangest and very random dream last night. J came back from the dead ( I know this is very weird, but in all of my dreams, he has come back from the dead and I am aware that he came back from the dead. We actually usually have a conversation about how he came back.) and he and I worked at the same restaurant. In my dream, I was in this terrible slump because he was dead. When I saw him, I asked him where something was in the restaurant and he brought me to it. He was very nonchalant and alive. i said to him " I am so glad you're back. I am feeling so much better". He said " I will only be here for another year and a half because that's how I am". I then felt the relief and joy slipping out of me. I don't know what it meant, but I have been thinking about it all day. His 7 year anniversary is coming up in August. I started thinking back to the beginning when I saw no end in sight. Then I slowly became alive again. It was pretty slow for me. 2 years ago, I met an absolutely wonderful guy. He is incredibly different from J in many ways. I always thought that once i was in a relationship that i would think of J less, but that's not true at all. I think of him so often still. I've struggled with different things the last 2 years, partially because I quit smoking. I made a choice to get out of that slump and start living again. things have not been like they were after J died, but I have struggled. I remember in 2015 (I believe) when I attended my first and only bago in AZ. I met Jess, justin and Laura. That was a pretty cool experience for me. Life is interesting. I have learned and grown so much from all these experiences the last 7 years. I am radically different than I was before J died. I think that's a good thing. I have mellowed out a lot. So I found myself reminiscing tonight and decided to post. Thanks for reading. Please share any changes you have experienced since your loss. I love reading all your posts and comments.
  3. Mel, I know I have felt uncomfortable at times when a situation has risen (similar to the one you mentioned). I would not say i have felt jealous, but definitely uncomfortable. I think that is because I am really into my NG. I know he would never act inappropriately, i know it is just my insecurity that has snuck up on me to remind me that I am invested in this great person. I, too, have not acted on it, but just have observed it. And my NG is super in tune with me and himself, so I know that he has picked up on some degree of discomfort from me. We are just navigating these new waters. Sometimes I get so excited that I feel I will actually implode, and other times I feel the real insecurity or fear of losing something that is beyond any expectation I had. It is an exciting and strange experience, but very grateful to be where I am at. Just want you to know I can relate and that I understand.
  4. Mizpah and imissdow, That makes total sense. NG and I are very different as well, I am a veg working toward vegan and he is a hunter, he is more passive and I am more aggressive, the list goes on and on. I think where we mesh so well is that our values line up. I think we are both willing to go outside of our norm to compromise with the other. I think the initial spark was the incredible chemistry that I have not experienced in forever (maybe have never experienced this type of chemistry). After spending more time talking and getting to know each other, I feel like there is all of this growth going on on all these levels. It's still very strange to me. I have typically been with people whose pain was the same as mine or darkness (for lack of a better word) was the same as mine, and that NEVER worked. I am so glad I can post this stuff here. I talk about this stuff with him, but I can't just talk to anyone about this stuff. Thanks so much guys.
  5. Thank you Maureen! I love your signature on here. It is so true.
  6. Awww, thanks Mary! You're so awesome.
  7. Hi Everyone, I have not posted in a while, as I have been busy living. I think that's cool, considering where I was 3, 4, 5 years ago. I kind of fell upon a really great dude in the middle of living. He is my best friend's husbands friend, are you still following me? It is kind of weird to me. I always read re-coupling stories on here and thought that that would never happen to me, while secretly hoping it would. I am not saying I am going to marry this guy tomorrow, or at all, I am just saying that I found a really great guy. I am excited and grateful. Not everyone has been supportive, so that's when I know I need to turn to the people who get it. I just wanted to share some of new happiness and excitement. It's hard to explain how I am feeling. I definitely feel at ease around him. It's just really cool. Thanks for letting me share.
  8. Rif4, It took me 4 and 1/2 years to do that. When I did it, I did not know why either. I just knew it was the right thing and the right time. I cried a lot, but I am glad I did it. I am glad that you are just going with it and doing it.
  9. Ouch! My heart hurts and my grief is back. It's very strange to me. I have been BAG for a few years. So a very quick version: got back from vacation and had to put my 15 y/o dog down 3 weeks ago. Then I decided that it is time to move to my own place. No more roommates. I have a lot of memories ib this home with J and my pup. This was our home. I know the right decision is to move, but that does not mean it's been easy. I have been breaking down pretty frequently. I feel like I am letting go of some last pieces here. Like I am walking away. The feeling is heart wrenching. In the midst of all of that, I got a job in my profession, and it has been a good distraction. Just feeling so much pain and experiencing grief again. Just so strange.
  10. This right here. This is what I could not find the words for. Thank you ATJ.
  11. Oh my gosh, Jess. I can relate to this so much. This is where I am at. This is my struggle. I feel that for me, too much guilt is unproductive, and not facing the guilt is just as unproductive. I am struggling with the balance. I am sorry you are feeling this way. For the brief time I met you, I can say, you seem to be a wonderful person. I am sorry we are dealing with this aspect of grief.
  12. Why do you think guilt is part of the grief process for some (maybe many)? I have noticed my guilt surfacing with the new grief with the recent loss of my dog. I felt enormous guilt when J died. I am just curious who else experienced guilt with their grief and why you think that is.
  13. Thank you everyone. I appreciate the love, thoughts and prayers.
  14. So so sorry for your loss! I am with ya. Had to put my precious companion down yesterday. Thinking of you, sending HUGE (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))). It just sucks.
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