OSAAT

Rudderless, im so sorry for your complicated loss. It sounds so very similar to mine. I get it. My boyfriend and I were “twin flames” in the most painful and complicated sense of the term. I left him and he went downhill and died shortly after I left. The guilt consumed me. It was a difficult process for me. These things complicate our grief more. I hope you can find some comfort here!

Hi Everyone! It has been a very long time since I have posted. So much has changed and so much is different. I spent the last hour or more reading different posts on the board. It brought me back to many milestones I have experienced along the way. I remember how difficult J's passing was for me the first 2+ years, I was inconsolable. I felt no relief and was in constant emotional and physical pain for 2 years. J's death hit me hard, it hit me harder than I could have ever imagined. All I wanted was relief. I looked forward to being "beyond active grieving", although my idea of what that is and what it actually is are 2 very different things. I had the strangest and very random dream last night. J came back from the dead ( I know this is very weird, but in all of my dreams, he has come back from the dead and I am aware that he came back from the dead. We actually usually have a conversation about how he came back.) and he and I worked at the same restaurant. In my dream, I was in this terrible slump because he was dead. When I saw him, I asked him where something was in the restaurant and he brought me to it. He was very nonchalant and alive. i said to him " I am so glad you're back. I am feeling so much better". He said " I will only be here for another year and a half because that's how I am". I then felt the relief and joy slipping out of me. I don't know what it meant, but I have been thinking about it all day. His 7 year anniversary is coming up in August. I started thinking back to the beginning when I saw no end in sight. Then I slowly became alive again. It was pretty slow for me. 2 years ago, I met an absolutely wonderful guy. He is incredibly different from J in many ways. I always thought that once i was in a relationship that i would think of J less, but that's not true at all. I think of him so often still. I've struggled with different things the last 2 years, partially because I quit smoking. I made a choice to get out of that slump and start living again. things have not been like they were after J died, but I have struggled. I remember in 2015 (I believe) when I attended my first and only bago in AZ. I met Jess, justin and Laura. That was a pretty cool experience for me. Life is interesting. I have learned and grown so much from all these experiences the last 7 years. I am radically different than I was before J died. I think that's a good thing. I have mellowed out a lot. So I found myself reminiscing tonight and decided to post. Thanks for reading. Please share any changes you have experienced since your loss. I love reading all your posts and comments.

Mel, I know I have felt uncomfortable at times when a situation has risen (similar to the one you mentioned). I would not say i have felt jealous, but definitely uncomfortable. I think that is because I am really into my NG. I know he would never act inappropriately, i know it is just my insecurity that has snuck up on me to remind me that I am invested in this great person. I, too, have not acted on it, but just have observed it. And my NG is super in tune with me and himself, so I know that he has picked up on some degree of discomfort from me. We are just navigating these new waters. Sometimes I get so excited that I feel I will actually implode, and other times I feel the real insecurity or fear of losing something that is beyond any expectation I had. It is an exciting and strange experience, but very grateful to be where I am at. Just want you to know I can relate and that I understand.

Mizpah and imissdow, That makes total sense. NG and I are very different as well, I am a veg working toward vegan and he is a hunter, he is more passive and I am more aggressive, the list goes on and on. I think where we mesh so well is that our values line up. I think we are both willing to go outside of our norm to compromise with the other. I think the initial spark was the incredible chemistry that I have not experienced in forever (maybe have never experienced this type of chemistry). After spending more time talking and getting to know each other, I feel like there is all of this growth going on on all these levels. It's still very strange to me. I have typically been with people whose pain was the same as mine or darkness (for lack of a better word) was the same as mine, and that NEVER worked. I am so glad I can post this stuff here. I talk about this stuff with him, but I can't just talk to anyone about this stuff. Thanks so much guys.

What is your opinion on this?

Thank you Maureen! I love your signature on here. It is so true.

Awww, thanks Mary! You're so awesome.

Hi Everyone, I have not posted in a while, as I have been busy living. I think that's cool, considering where I was 3, 4, 5 years ago. I kind of fell upon a really great dude in the middle of living. He is my best friend's husbands friend, are you still following me? It is kind of weird to me. I always read re-coupling stories on here and thought that that would never happen to me, while secretly hoping it would. I am not saying I am going to marry this guy tomorrow, or at all, I am just saying that I found a really great guy. I am excited and grateful. Not everyone has been supportive, so that's when I know I need to turn to the people who get it. I just wanted to share some of new happiness and excitement. It's hard to explain how I am feeling. I definitely feel at ease around him. It's just really cool. Thanks for letting me share.

Rif4, It took me 4 and 1/2 years to do that. When I did it, I did not know why either. I just knew it was the right thing and the right time. I cried a lot, but I am glad I did it. I am glad that you are just going with it and doing it.

Ouch! My heart hurts and my grief is back. It's very strange to me. I have been BAG for a few years. So a very quick version: got back from vacation and had to put my 15 y/o dog down 3 weeks ago. Then I decided that it is time to move to my own place. No more roommates. I have a lot of memories ib this home with J and my pup. This was our home. I know the right decision is to move, but that does not mean it's been easy. I have been breaking down pretty frequently. I feel like I am letting go of some last pieces here. Like I am walking away. The feeling is heart wrenching. In the midst of all of that, I got a job in my profession, and it has been a good distraction. Just feeling so much pain and experiencing grief again. Just so strange.

This right here. This is what I could not find the words for. Thank you ATJ.

Oh my gosh, Jess. I can relate to this so much. This is where I am at. This is my struggle. I feel that for me, too much guilt is unproductive, and not facing the guilt is just as unproductive. I am struggling with the balance. I am sorry you are feeling this way. For the brief time I met you, I can say, you seem to be a wonderful person. I am sorry we are dealing with this aspect of grief.

Why do you think guilt is part of the grief process for some (maybe many)? I have noticed my guilt surfacing with the new grief with the recent loss of my dog. I felt enormous guilt when J died. I am just curious who else experienced guilt with their grief and why you think that is.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the love, thoughts and prayers.

So so sorry for your loss! I am with ya. Had to put my precious companion down yesterday. Thinking of you, sending HUGE (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))). It just sucks.

I had to put my dog down unexpectedly today. I got back from a vacation, and he got into an electrical cord 3 or 4 days ago. The surgery would have been pretty tough on him. Today has just been an awful day.

It's been confusing. At first, it was so hard. I had never felt more alone or more ashamed in my whole life. The way he died was tragic and awful. I carried a lot of shame for a long time, and I was shamed and blamed for a variety of things after he died. I was a huge gaping wound, and salt was rubbed in that wound. Before he died, I could deal with my private life stuff at home and put on a fresh face for the world. After he died, I could not differentiate. I cried all the time everywhere I went. I had zero "control". It was awful. That lasted about 1.5-2 years. Then I went the opposite way for a while. I heard people talk of anger at a dead person and that anger is normal and healthy. I got so pissed at J. Then I questioned everything. Was any of it real? It was so weird. I know that I loved him more than I have loved most people. We were connected in a way that many others on the board speak of. Our relationship got messy with his alcoholism and my trying to save him, but we shared a deep love. That is really all I know.

Traveling to them because then I can leave when I want! Starbucks or local coffee house

I know for myself that i have to be physically attracted. That does not mean someone else finds them attractive, necessarily. My first and only relationship after J was with a man whom I was not physically attracted to. His personality was great (mostly), he understood my sense of humor, etc. but in the end nothing grew on my end. Attraction IS important for me. It just is what it is. I don't think it makes me (or anyone) shallow for needing that. As long as i am attracted, they are attracted, and chemistry is there, then yay.

Swim. I love warm weather! Warm weather by the ocean or warm weather in the desert?

Sounds great! Looking forward to meeting all of you.

Thank you for clarifying AG! I appreciate it and have a little more understanding now.

So here is a question, as I am not familar with the details of these professional widows. Did the YWBB shut down because one or some of the old timers are professional widows and simply did not have time for something that did not bring in profit?

Dinner definitely works for me! I think it would be great to have your daughter there. I am very excited too!!

I was fortunate after J died to have a house full of friends. They brought me food, cried with me, brought me cards, talked about him, sat in my kitchen while I slept on the couch to make sure I was ok. At his one year saddiversary, these friends came over (about 30+) to spend time with me. 2 of these friends currently have some big stuff going on. My one friend lost her youngest son on Saturday (her effin birthday of all days). This same friend has been battling cancer the last 4 years. She still looks sick, chemo sick. Honestly, I am not sure how long she will live. In the middle of this, her son dies unexpectedly. She is the kindest person you would ever meet. She says she wishes it was her instead of him and she feels so powerless. I can relate to sudden, unexpected death, but not loss of a son. I feel a bit out of sorts. I feel so bad for her. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take her pain away, but I want to be there for her. My other friend, my best friend, called yesterday with news of cervical cancer. Ahhhh. I had an awful headache and did not know how to respond. I just said oh honey, i love you. I am not familar with cancer, but dumb me googled it. Her symptoms indicate per cancer.org that the cancer has spread. I just am not sure what to make of all this, I guess that is why I am sharing. I have some hefty stuff going on in my personal life and it always seems that many things hit at one time.