Justin

Non-wids won't always understand my philosophy, but you get it, and the validation is sorely needed!  The beauty of this board is that someone always relates to whatever stage of grief one is in. 

Exactly! I tried journaling, but just couldn't get into it. I was speaking about this with another widower further out, and he explained that he couldn't either because it didn't provide the validation that this board does. Suddenly, it was like "BAM!" and I realized that I felt the same way. I really need that feedback from other wids to keep my perspective.

 

That decision made me realize that I still have some sort of control over how I feel, and a tiny spark of hope was born inside of me.

 

Yes, you do! Early on, Tuesdays (the day of Marsha's death) were rough for me. I counted each Tuesday until she had been gone, until about 9 weeks; I realized one day that it was almost 2PM on a the weekly anniversary of her death before it "clicked" in my head. I soon realized that I didn't have to give power to that day, or any other. If I did, my calendar would soon fill up with days that triggered painful memories because she is no longer here.

I tell my myself that I only have to experience each "first" without her one time. Sometimes these holidays still hit me for a tailspin, but I try to do my best to remember the happy times that have occurred and are still waiting to occur. Making new memories helps me a lot.

Hang in there,

Justin

ColSavMama,

I am so glad to see you made over to us! I first found the people here just weeks after my wife died, and it was literally like finding a lifeboat after I been adrift at sea. (A previous version of this forum had been hosted at another site, which is now defunct, but we are rebuilding - we are widows, that's what we do!)

Here, you will find widows in all different stages: from those with very recent loss, to years out. Please feel free to post as often as you like, as we are all here for each other. I think you will also find everyone receptive to personal messages, as well.

Take care, and as we say: "be gentle with yourself".

I haven't read any of these, but this list appeared in Brain Pickings. I would like to read a couple of these for myself:

Consolation for Life?s Darkest Hours: 7 Unusual and Wonderful Books that Help Children Grieve and Make Sense of Death

http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/23/best-childrens-books-death-grief-mourning/?mc_cid=bb97b591d0&mc_eid=48d09ea0ed

I took a look at the menus, and thought that Lucille's or The Thirsty Lion appealed most to me. DD said she is down for any of the restaurants.

deedee,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so bad. I can remember the anguish of the early days, crying all of the time, seeming like there was no relief to be had. I felt the same way that you do - that my wife was the one who had it easier, and all of us left had to suffer. I was at about 3 months out before I could have enough perspective to see that I was making progress. I could look back and see the ebb and flow of grief in my life since my wife died, but I could finally see that things were getting easier, overall.

Hang on, and ride out those waves of grief. I took much comfort in reading about those that had done this terrible journey before me. You can do this.

Wish they made crockpots that allowed for delayed starts.  :-\

 

This type may be a good alternative as it allows you to have it stop cooking and go to warming mode after however much time you choose:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Crock-Pot-Programmable-Touchscreen-SCVT650-PS-6-5-Quart/dp/B001KVZTFO/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1427474426&sr=8-5&keywords=crockpot+with+a+delay+timer

Sweet! The Cadillac of Crock-Pots! I wish I had one of those - DD forgot to turn the pot to "warm" at 8 hours yesterday, but dinner was OK 

You might also try using one of these mechanical timers to either set the on or off time:

http://www.amazon.com/Woods-50006-Indoor-24-Hour-Mechanical/dp/B006LYHED0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1427477915&sr=8-2&keywords=timer

At 3 months out, my daughter and I took a road trip through part of the American South. From our home in KY, we ventured to the birthplace of Elvis Presley and William Faulker's home (both in Mississippi). Traveled on down to New Orleans for a few days, then over to our favorite family vacation spot on the Alabama Gulf Coast. (The water so warm, we could still swim in October.) We made a stop at the legendary Muscle Shoals Sound studio in Muscle Shoals, AL, before making our way home.

It was very cathartic for both of us, but the visit to our vacation spot was very bittersweet. I thought of her the whole time while there.

A dear, fellow widow sent me a link to this book very early on. It is a lifesaver, and my daughter enjoys selecting our meals from it:

Crock-Pot 5 Ingredients or Less Cookbook

http://www.amazon.com/Crock-Pot-5-Ingredients-Less-Cookbook/dp/1412729378/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1427392895&sr=8-5&keywords=CROCKPOT+COOKBOOK

The recipes are very good, and I love the fact that they require so few ingredients. My widow-brain still doesn't do "complexity" very well.

Also, crockpot liners are a must in my book (also suggested by fellow wid). Makes cleanup soooo much easier. I have only used the Reynolds liners, but there are some other brands, too.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=CROCKPOT%20liners

Thanks for starting this thread! I am gearing up to do some work on my house, too. I am planning on selling it (hopefully within 14 months), so most of my projects are going to be "biggest bang for the buck".

I am looking at doing a lot of painting, replacing some floor coverings (linoleum and carpet), and deck repair. Since I am moving, I can't see investing a lot in my house unless I will at least break even on any projects. Looking forward to reading your updates!

I am so looking forward to our 'bago!

Does anyone have any opposition to the chance that my daughter may want to attend? She is a very mature 16yo and can hang with adults in conversation.

I was just about 3 weeks out when I found YWBB, and (surprise!) like many of you my brain was frazzled with grief and I wasn't feeling that creative, so I signed up as MissingMarsha. Marsha was my wife's first name, and her death left a huge whole in my life.

When the new board here was created, I decided to change my handle to my first name. I have my old handle in parentheses, but that will be going away. I will always love and miss Marsha, but as I move forward I feel the need to identify more with who I am now ("me") and less as my late wife's husband.

The 8th or 9th will work great for me! Lunch or dinner on those days in Tempe will be fantastic

This happens to everyone, unfortunately. My best suggestion is to come up with a simple reminder system and always use it - don't trust your memory.

For me, this includes a to-do list synced between my Google calendar and smartphone, that allows me to set alarm reminders. I've also been known to leave myself Post-it notes on the dash of my car or by the coffee maker.

Can't think about rock saxophone without that scene from The Lost Boys:

How about Madness - Our House?

 

I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

Guilty.

I sprinkled carpet deodorizer over two weeks ago.... and still haven't vacuumed it up. I have even had a house guest during that period 

Last autumn's leaves on still on the lawn.

My hair, beard, and dog all really need a trim.

I came home to find my regularly drunken neighbor burning fallen limbs in my back yard fire pit - and I didn't care, or even say "hi". I did occasionally check to make sure the yard wasn't on fire.

There are some great tools in the link that Gracelet posted! (I personally really like the GTD system - I have been using a partially implemented version for quite some time.)

I want to add another link for the "tickler file" or "43 folders" system. This system is extremely low tech, and good to use if you have to handle a lot of paperwork:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/back-to-basics-the-tickler-file.html

I went through an angry phase at around 2-3 months; I distinctly remember punching the hell out of my pillows and mattress one morning, with tears streaming down my face. I am at 8 months out now, and haven't gone through angry times since then. I know I still have a long way to go, though...

 

It's honestly taken me several years to get truly "beyond" active grieving. I guess I would say grief and widowhood stopped being my sole reality at about that year and a half, "intermittent" grieving took its place for another few months, and then I seemed to go to grieving "maintenance," where it would poke at me hard at key days and times. In about a month I'll be six years and I'm pretty well beyond active grieving. These days life is solid and good and happy. But. Have you ever felt achy when the weather changes really fast? That's how it feels now. Some times the wind blows just right and I feel the deep ache. Part of me will always be trying to find Richard because his absence still doesn't make sense. The ache is ok, though, because it connects me to an equally important part of my life.

 

I am only 8 months out, and still actively grieving, but this beautifully-stated post resonates with me so much. Sometimes, I will feel a twinge of pain thinking of Marsha and my eyes well with tears, and then it passes.

deedee,

I am so sorry, but glad you have found us. This community has been nothing but phenomenally supportive to me. Please post as often as you would like, and don't be hesitant to reach out when you need help - we'll be here.

... asking him ALOT whether he needed to go potty...

We had to do this  For some reason DD was very "retentive", and always wanted to test fate by waiting til the last minute. Marsha and I would joke about seeing H hauling-ass through the house trying to make it to the bathroom before she peed herself!

 

Off-Topic - I switched my forum view from that Chalkboard, and now I'm not seeing I can "Like" posts. Is anyone else seeing the same thing?

 

Jessica

We decided to do away with the "karma" option, since it really wasn't tied to any certain posts. We are looking at adding functionality in the future so that users can "like" posts again.

Thanks,

Justin

Congratulations you guys!! I'm so happy for you!! 

Bluemoon15,

Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry that you had to look for us, but glad that you found us. My wife also died in her sleep in our home. Like your Lee, my wife Marsha had some health issues; nothing terminal, or so we thought.

I think your approaches to dealing with your grief sound like excellent ideas, given that crying is so hard on your body. I find that st just over 8 months, I don't cry everyday anymore but tears well-up most days for just a little while. Stick with your writing - it has been extremely therapeutic for my 16yo daughter.

Take care,

Justin

Another big supporter of ear tubes here. DW and I were distraught by DD's constant infections, and the antibiotics were just wrecking her stomach and bowels. Against the advice of her pediatricians, we sought out a well-respected otolaryngologist in town and had the procedure performed.

Only a few minor earaches throughout the rest of her childhood (DD is 15, now)