Justin

I am installing the game right now! Thank you for sharing the link with us.

It's really cool to think about his work living on and being exposed to so many people 

I still remember that Friday afternoon: it was getting close to 5PM (quitting time) and I logged into YWBB for some last minute catch-up before I left work and went home to do my fatherly duties. I saw the message that YWBB was shutting down and felt just like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me. I recall that Jess was having a rough day and either left work early or worked from home that day... I called her as I left my office and told her the terrible news that YWBB was shutting down. We simply couldn't believe it! My lifeline that had kept me sane when I felt crazy, gave friendship went I felt alone, and comfort in the middle of the night would be no more. More importantly, it was already a very sentimental place for me where I had met many of you, my best widower pal & mentor, and my true love Jess.

Now, I know I am biased but if you weren't already aware: Jess loves and is extremely dedicated to our community. I have a short commute home of about 15 minutes. In the time it took me to drive home, I had phoned Jess, informed her of the closure of YWBB, and she had already set up the first iteration of Widda on the Proboards site. (Some of you may remember that we rallied that first weekend on our interim forum before coming here.) I recall working in shifts with Jess that first weekend round the clock, and have the distinct memory of begging her to get some food Saturday afternoon, as she hadn't eaten since early on Friday. She agreed to take a few minutes to procure take-out after I reassured her about 4 times that I would mind things while she was away. (A big shout-out to my kid H, who understood what YWBB meant to her dad and was super-understanding that weekend.) Jess gives me a lot of credit, but really it was just a case of a man supporting the vision of the woman he loves. And maintaining the to-do list ;-)

While Proboards provided a quick set-up for us to muster, we realized soon that we would need a permanent home. Out of nowhere (to us) appeared Lewis, who had already registered the domain name of Widda and set up the framework of the forum that we are all using now. A true beam of light in the dark. Lewis trusted us completely and turned over the keys to Jess and myself to drive things, while he is the mechanic that keeps things running so smoothly here. So smoothly that we are almost not aware of what he actually does.

And many, many of you guys are to thank for our success here as well. So many "old-timers" who weren't that active at the time came back to help get things started here, as well as many of "my class" who stepped up to help mod the forums,  and those members who got the word out to their contacts through other channels like texting and Facebook. I really can't thank all of you enough.

SailorGirl, I am so very sorry. To have to go through this hurt once is terrible, and I can't even imagine what you are going through now. This just sucks so badly.

ArtLovingDad,

I've been thinking a lot about your post since I first read it, and my own feelings about moving. My wife died the summer before my daughter's junior year of high school. It only took me about two weeks to realize that when my kid went away to college, I would also be moving in order to be closer to her. I knew I wouldn't really miss this town that much, even though I have family here. It is a small town of about 12,000 filled with nice folks, but utterly lacking in diversity or any type of cultural enrichment beyond an occasional play or craft show.

As we know, life has its way of making the path shift beneath our feet. I fell deeply in love with another wid at five months out, and to make a long story short - she and my kid are crazy about each other and we are moving 1800 miles to a major metro area to be with my love, and my daughter will also attend school there. As the days of waiting for graduation ticked by, I found myself becoming more and more eager to leave this town and our house because there seemed to be ghosts at every turn. I never wavered in my decision to move, but sometimes felt guilt that I will be leaving the home we shared and the town where we had made so many memories.

Your initial post really got me to thinking, though: I've been wanting to move for at least 10 years. Really, the only reason we stayed here was because my wife Marsha felt a real dedication to being near to her parents and giving our daughter a close relationship with them. Now that my late wife is gone, there really isn't any pull to the land here for me. Shit, we had even talked about moving when our kid went to college - I guess Marsha had enough of the small-town suffocation, too.

Sorry to ramble so much; I just wanted to say that I read in your initial post that you are more of a big-city guy and you moved there because of your wife. And now that she's gone, it's okay that you don't want to be there.

Maybe you're aren't so much as running from your past, as you are running to your future. Good luck, man.

MountainMan,

I get that you are afraid of the what-ifs. There is always the danger that things won't work out - but then again, that is always a danger in any relationship.

After my first wife died, I resolved to not live in fear of the future and to do my damnedest to never regret things that I had not done. 19 months later, we are just waiting for my kid to graduate high school in 3 months so that we can move 1800 miles from the only town she has known to be with the woman I love. We are both excited about the move and can't wait to start our lives in our newly-adopted city. We truly are a family in every sense of the word.

My daughter and I decided that since the death our my first wife (her mom) blew our lives apart, we were going to do our best to embrace change because we knew there is no "going back". Our lives were forever changed, so we decided to be "all-in". The last year and a half have been an enormous period of growth for both of us. I can't help but think if I had not given this relationship a chance, I would have not only short-changed myself but also robbed my daughter of the love of this wonderful lady - and the chance to give love to her, too.

I have learned through my own experience and that of other parents here that kids are a hell of a lot more resilient that most adults give them credit for being. I know you fear uprooting your daughter, but consider what benefits you may be denying her by 1) making yourself less happy than you could be and 2) keeping her apart from a woman she loves like a mother.

If you truly want this - then do it. If you want to be with her, be with her. Good luck, man.

TooSoon has already written everything I would have said, and done a better job than I would have. 

My situation is different, because I was dealing with a 16 year-old, but I agree that it's not an issue unless you make it an issue. Aside from abuse, children seem to be damaged by a loss of trust more than anything.

Paul, hang in there man. I think that some of what is going on could be delayed grieving; that using numbed you somewhat from the pain and now that you are sober, it is hitting you full-force. What you are feeling is terrible, and it hurts, but it is not going to kill you and it will get better. As others have written, there is no timeline - you will feel better when you feel better. Don't pressure yourself to arrive in a place before you are ready. And you are right - you are strong!

You have to think about yourself and what you have to live for, and it sounds like you already have started by following your heart in the art textiles program. Think about the things you want to live for - even those dreams not realized yet. Work to make them happen. Those same drugs that numb the pain, will numb the passion. Do your best to stay busy and do the work, even when you don't want to. Work a little closer to your goals each day.

I had been drinking more than I should for quite a while, and it became worse after my first wife died. I leaned on my crutch HARD, and kept my secret from most people. A few months ago, I abstained for 60 days to hit my reset button. I was scared to be without alcohol, but one thing that really helped was I immediately entered into an art project with my fiancee (now wife). I didn't produce any masterpieces, but it kept my mind and time occupied. We committed to posting a daily joint work on Facebook, so I had to crank out a contribution each day that wouldn't embarrass me (or her). Folks even commented on how much they enjoyed the postings, and that made it even more worthwhile. I am in no way trying to equate my struggle with yours, just sharing something that helped me.

I am so sorry that you have been betrayed by those so close to you. As SVS wrote, it sounds like they are hurting, and just trying to someone to blame. Since you were closest to your husband, you have unfortunately become the target of their ill-placed accusations.

There are times that I still miss that sweet oblivion of totally checking out, and I have to remind myself of the cycle of missing memories from the night before that then fueled my anxiety even further. Keep on being strong.

Engrish: http://www.engrish.com/

I say send him a thank you card next year. That kind of phone conversation isn't worth the negative energy it brings.

^^^^ THIS!

Plus, he can hang the card on his trophy wall to remind him of what a "good" uncle he is to M.

Check into an FHA loan for first-time homebuyers:

http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD?src=/buying/loans

Low down payment :-)

I had to search for this thread - hard to believe the last post was from almost 10 months ago!

I came across this short video that illustrates the Getting Things Done (GTD) principles very well. I'm still not fully implemented, but it does help :-)

So awesome!! Congratulations!!! 

Wynne, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Last January 8th was my six-month mark, and I remember feeling drained from the holidays and much like you, able to function but not really able to focus.

The fact that you are worried about not facing your grief tells me that you are facing it. I tried to (and still do try) to face triggers head-on and not "give power" to them. In the earlier months, I actually tried a bit too hard to face things and would sometimes leave myself emotional drained the next day. It may be a poor analogy, but facing triggers is almost like exercising: you soon learn when you might "overdo it" and wake up sore the next day. The thing is to keep "exercising" to get better. I now stay away from the cemetery or avoid looking through old photos on days when I am tired or emotional, and I (pretty much) know when to put things away for another day.

The numbness is your mind's way of protecting you when necessary, in order to get things done. I'll be at 1.5 years in two days, and although I have acceptance that Marsha is dead, it still is surreal at times and seems like a dream. I am finding with time that the surreal feelings come on less often and less intensely.

Stephanie,

I am so sorry for your loss. The concept that some have of a heaven in which we will no longer be joined as spouses used to really vex me - I just couldn't wrap my mind around it until (strangely) after my wife died. I am no theologian, but I think your pastor was a bit off-base in comparing a heavenly relationship like that of brother and sister.

I do believe in heaven, and I think that when we meet again it will be free of feelings of romance and love in the physical sense - as we won't be in our earthly bodies. I think it will be more of a pure love and intelligence. If you haven't yet, I recommend reading C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed". If you aren't familiar with it, it is his personal account of being widowed and it helped me tremendously.

Welcome, Wynne. I am so sorry that you have to be here, but these good people have helped me so very much. This is my safe place, where I know people will "get me" and what I am dealing with in my life.

The YWBB abbreviation will pop up from time to time; it stands for "Young Widows/Widowers Bulletin Board" and is a forum on which many of us first met. It shut down last March with little warning, and many of the members from there "regrouped" on this site.

I am close to my 18-month mark, and although I have thankfully seen an improvement, my brain is still not where it was.

I have to use my smartphone to track appointments, lists, etc. and do an okay job with that. What I really hate is forgetting something that someone has told me because I fear that they will wrongfully think that I either don't care or wasn't interested enough to listen.

I think I must have some of the same feelings. It was my wife's wish to be cremated, and then buried in our city's cemetery near her aunt, grandparents, and infant brother. Her parents will be buried there, as well.  I was glad to honor her wishes, but my daughter (17yo) and I do not "feel" her at the cemetery.

In about five months time, we will be moving 1,800 miles away (I selfishly wish we had her urn at home to take with us -we did keep a memory urn with a small amount ashes). We have familial ties to this area, and will visit occasionally. Like you, I wonder about what will happen after her parents pass - my late wife's brother lives in another city and her sister is thinking of moving from our town. I know that once we leave, DD and I will never live here again. When there is no family left here, will I feel the need to ask someone else to check on her grave and change out the flowers there? I don't know...

My best friend told me that "cemeteries are for the living" and I absolutely think she is right. In one or hundred years, very few - if any - people are going to place any significance on the grave of DW. It is a harsh truth for most of us humans that the stories of our life will eventually be lost to the ages.

The hint is mot likely blank because a "secret question" wasn't set up; unlike some sites which require a password, it looks like our platform allows a member to sign up without creating a secret question for recovery.

Go to Profile > Modify Profile > Account Settings and you should see the field for setting up a question and answer for password recovery. If your browser doesn't retain your saved password to set the question, PM me and I can either reset your password and/or add the challenge question and response.

Jen,

No need to apologize to us for taking time for yourself - we get it, remember?!? 

Take care, friend. Wishing you peace this season,

Justin

Paul,

I am sorry for your loss, and thank you for being so open and trusting us.

I lost my wife almost 18 months ago. I drank more than I should before she died, but afterward I became a real problem drinker. After a period of that, I did better but it was a slippery slope for me back to drinking way too much when I went through a down period. I finally reached a point where I had to do better for me - not because anyone else wanted me to. I decided to do 60 days without drinking, and am almost there. In the beginning, it scared the shit out of me to be without my crutch and I found out that I had not been coping as well with my wife's death as I initially thought; but I pretty quickly found healthier ways to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. I resented my decision for a couple of weeks, but came to a clarity that had been missing from my life for quite some time. I will almost certainly return to drinking (mainly socially - and the plan is to manage "normal" consumption), but I now feel better equipped to handle life's stresses without reaching for a bourbon or beer every time. I'm not preaching or anything, just sharing my journey.

I realize that our experiences are apples and oranges, but just wanted to let you know that there are others of us who have had issues with substance abuse and I hope they will post, too. For what it's worth, many of us wids have seen family and friends quickly disappear for a multitude of reasons. They may or may not just be using your drug use as an "excuse" to not be there for you, and only they will know for sure. Just know that you are among friends here, and don't be afraid to reach out anytime.

hachi,

I felt much the same way when I attended my brother's wedding two months after my wife died. He was finally getting married to the mother of three of his children - the day had been a long time coming. I was so very happy for them, but sad that Marsha was not here to see them get married. I found that I although I was genuinely glad, I experienced a quick let-down during the reception and left after not too much time.

It was just too much to think about their married life now beginning right after mine had just ended.

Jess and I began our friendship back on YWBB, first via PM's, then our first phone call at less than four months out. From there, our texting escalated very quickly and so did our calls. It was quite evident to both of us very soon that we were attracted to each other.

I had to do a lot of soul-searching to make sure that I wasn't using Jess as a "band-aid" for my own hurt and pain - that was the last thing I wanted to do. I could hardly believe that I had real feelings for someone other than my wife so soon after she died, but I couldn't deny them. I felt absolutely zero guilt, and I think a lot of that can be attributed to the fact that I have tried really hard to do the grief work and face it head-on. I still love my late wife as much as ever, but I think I accepted rather quickly that she was gone and never to return to this life.

Just shy of a month from that first phone call (and a few days shy of the five-month sadiversary), I was on a plane travelling 1,800 miles to a state I had never visited before to find out just how "real" these feelings were. I had not flown for 12 years, and the nearest major airport is a 2.5 hour drive from my house - plus, I had to leave my daughter with my late wife's parents, since DD did not yet have her driver's license. This undertaking was not exactly like taking a drive across town but I had to meet her in person.

We affirmed that our feelings were very real for both of us. I didn't know that I could love so fully again. After that first weekend, we knew we were meant to be together. Fast forward to today, and we are looking forward to getting married next month! It will be a very private ceremony - in fact, the only blood family that knows and will be in attendance is my daughter (who is very supportive!). So any of you who are Facebooks friends of us, keep it under wraps on there :-)  We will have a "real" wedding later family and friends in attendance, probably after we move in May.

I wasn't looking for love yet, but it smacked me upside the head. And I am so grateful!

So Jess, when is the wedding??

I'm sure that she won't mind me taking this one :-)

We plan to be married next month during MLK weekend - just a very small ceremony that very few people in our lives will know about. Later on, we will have a "real" wedding.

Southern KY for the next 6 months or so. I am about 2.5 hours from the Cincinnati, Louisville, and Nashville metro areas.

Brenda,

Thank you sharing this with us! I didn't feel any guilt, either, when at four months out I realized I was having feelings for someone. It did take me some time to wrap my head around those feelings, but I never felt any guilt.

I accepted that my wife has died and is no longer here, so in my mind it was impossible to cheat on her. I still love DW and that will never change, but I learned that my heart could grow and I could love another just as much. To me, that was incredibly exciting and empowering - I felt really alive again!

In fact, losing my wife has encouraged me to be bolder in my own living. Knowing that she lost her life so young has made me more determined to fully live mine.

EDITED to add: I know that living far apart can make things hard, but hang in there: you guys will find what works for you. Despite living 1798 miles apart and having to contend with 2-3 hours time difference (depending on DST), Jess and I have been a couple for over a year! It's so hard to be apart, but having an end-game planned and in-sight makes it bearable. Good luck!