PalomaQueNoPuedeVolar

Hi, I lost my DH in November of 2012. So it's been almost 3 years. Our son will be 3 in just two short days. The proximity of those two events annoy me and make me sad. I don't even know why I'm writing. When I lost him, I immediately found the ywbb board and it helped me a lot. I was benefited because I saw that I wasn't alone. If I went to the board feeling awful, I would leave it feeling better. And if I logged on feeling somewhat okay, I would leave crying because of all the people I sympathized with. But it's been a long time since I've talked to any widows and widowers. I just don't find comfort in it anymore. I feel like there's no point in talking about him anymore. It's like picking at a wound for me. I have a hard time enough when I see his sisters having babies, and during holidays when I'm alone. And especially now that he's not here to see his long desired boy turn 3 years old. And I find no comfort in reading people's sad stories. it does nothing for me and there's nothing I can say. As a widow, you'd think I'd know how to comfort a new widow, but no. No clue. Lately I've been exploring the option of starting a blog... But no... I don't want my life out there. I've also been looking for boards. I was in a mom group but I had to leave because sometimes people's ignorance annoy me. I think it's just because I'm sad and very angry too. But that's another story. I think what I need is a friend, and I have none. I need someone who can listen to me talk about my current life. Not what I lost, or what I wish I had, but the things that are going in. And in return, I would love to listen to someone talk about their life (which is why I watch YouTube blog videos). But people aren't honest with one another. I've never found someone who is willing to tell me things. I feel really lonely, and even though I know this isn't the forum for me... I just need to get out my feelings. I've been looking for somewhere to write them out. Here it is. I just don't find gratification from anything anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so alone.

I don't cook. I live with my mom know and she does all the cooking. I used to always cook for my husband: breakfast,munch, and dinner. He would go to work very early sometimes, and even though I had a newborn and I was exhausted, I would get up and make him something. He appreciated it and I felt like it was my duty to always have him fed. I always tried elaborate meals and looked for new ones that he would like. Anyway, after he died, I completely stopped cooking. It reminds me of him and it's just not the same anymore.

This post reminds me a lot of the first year without my husband. It's strange that there's no one to answer to. It's strange that when I get home, there's nobody to talk to about my day. It's strange that now that I took of my ring (it's on my neck), men try to hit on me. I moved like 4 days after he died so his things were packed and put away right away. I moved because I was horrified thT he had died and I was scared and wanted to move close to my mom, right away. I wasn't thinking right, although it was the right move. If I had stated in our apartment, I'm sure that his things would be in the same place as he left them. I'm sure of it. Don't move anything unless you're sure you want to. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. Now I just have a box in my room full of his things. And a stack of his shirts in my closet because I wear them to bed. And also. His deodorant in my shower. I have it there because that's where I smell it and cry. Everyone's going to do things their own day. It's so strange. Life is strange now, but that's the way it is. Don't let anyone tell you how to live it.