K_J

M and I liked The Matrix movies a lot. We talked about being Neo and Trinity for Halloween at some point. (Hey, we were in our 20s, sounded like fun!) I watched part of one of the movies this morning while at the gym. I remembered wanting to be Trinity for Halloween. Part of me still wants to. But the other part of me doesn't think I could do it without M. I would just miss him too much - it would seem incomplete without him. My now-husband (who has been my husband for 7.5yrs, longer than M. and I were married) isn't really the type to get into something like that, although he would probably do it if I really asked him to. Maybe I could try to get my kids to be Neo and Trinity (although that would bring up some weird issues with their being siblings, LOL) and be The Oracle. Maybe that would be more appropriate at this point? Or like so many things, perhaps it should just be let go. I wish M. and I had done the Neo and Trinity thing when we could have. Not worried about excess bulges in places in the plether. Just done it when we still could have, when we were both here. Still, strange, odd, almost annoying little corners of loss - even just simply within the idea of a Halloween costume! --KJ

I know I never thought I would make it weeks, much less months or years, early on. But here I am, almost 10.5 years after M died. He would have been 40 this spring. That just seems completely insane - how is that possible? It will be 20 years ago this fall since we started dating, in college. We went on our first sort-of date in high school - almost 23 years ago. That time seems so long ago now. And I have been remarried for 7.5 years now, have two kids with my now-husband. Trying to wrap my head around how much time has passed is just crazy at times. But overall, things are good. There have just been several things going on lately that have touched the raw nerves that are still there. So - wondering who else is around 10+ years out, and how things are looking for you these days.

I am also a "neo-vintage" member (widowed almost 10.5yrs, joined right after my late husband died). I think the founders just made up their minds that YWBB wasn't relevant anymore, despite the fact that it was clearly still being actively used, despite the fact that those of us who are longer-term widows but no longer active posters still checked back in occasionally. Starting YWBB was a wonderful thing, and I am forever grateful for it. However, the way the closing of it was handled - with no real opportunity for people to step up and fund the board, hand it over to a new board, etc. - was selfish and narrow-minded. There is just no other way to put it, IMHO. Had they given people a real, honest chance to raise funds to keep it going, hand it over to others who might have had more energy/desire to keep it going, etc. that would have been different. But they didn't, and it wasn't right. That said, it's done, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it except figure out how to live with it. As so many others here have said, it was "a great disturbance in the Force", and another form of loss for so many of us, even if we were no longer actively posting. It's another aspect of our lives that has died. And so, yes, grief, strange though it may seem. I don't plan to post a lot either, but I may for a while pop in more than I have in the last few years, in part to help the board get going. Hugs to all!

It's hard to pinpoint an exact time when I felt I was "beyond active grieving". But there are several moments that stand out. Among them: after my lowest point, from about month 7-10, picking up my head around 10 months out and applying for jobs for real. After many mistakes, deciding I was ready to take steps to sell the condo M. and I had bought with so much hope only 1.5yrs before he died, and going back to school (that was at about 14-15mo out). Realizing I was going to give my new relationship with L. a real, honest try at about 18mo out, when we had been dating for about 3 months. And the time when I had gone to meet L's extended family (which I knew was a HUGE step for him). We picked up my car from the service station on the way back, and as L. was following me in his car as we sat in traffic, I listened to a song about cancer hitting home but having hope through those who support you. I smiled, and laughed, and cried, all at the same time. Duality. The loss and the feelings, and yet hope and new love, coexisting.

IfIonlycould - sounds like you went through a ton of stuff in only a few years. Wow! No wonder you're tired. Annie girl makes some excellent points. On the one hand, I think losing my first husband to cancer, and yet falling in love again and having kids despite fertility issues, helped me to be optimistic and amazed at the fact that life can still be good. But at the same time, I think the fact that life is short and nothing is guaranteed was driven home with having lost him at such a young age. I know at my core that we have to raise kids who can function on their own, because we won't be here forever. I have some dreams career-wise, but I'm also a lot more brutally realistic in considering if it makes sense to go for one or more of them at this point, given my age, what if we have to move for my now-husband's job, etc. I also had some career-related disappointments in the first few years after M. died, so that also has reduced my optimism. I'm trying not to let all these issues make me unduly unwilling/unable to go for jobs/career moves that could make sense. But if something seems like too much of an uphill battle, unless it seems like I absolutely must go for it, I don't have the energy to fight for things that don't seem worth it. It took me so many years to recover from back-to-back support/caregiving when my mother had cancer (she survived) and then only a few months after she finished her active treatment, my late husband was diagnosed. I always say that my mid-late 20s was cancer, cancer, widowhood and grief. It was exhausting. And honestly, the last couple of years have been pretty tiring too (extremely glued-to-me baby who is still an intense toddler with many allergies to manage). Anyway! Lots of good things have happened in the last several years, don't get me wrong. But I do understand about the exhaustion thing.

Congratulations on your new job!

Just a quick check-in. I don't know how active I'll be here, but I'll probably pop in here and there. K_J, my late husband M. died almost 10.5yrs ago of lymphoma. He would have been 40 this spring, which just seems incomprehensible. I have been remarried for several years, and L. and I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I still have my moments, especially since moving back to my hometown (where M and I grew up), but overall, things are good. Hope things are going well for others, too!

Hi, I'm K_J. I suppose you could call me "second generation vintage", or something like that, as it's been almost 10.5yrs for me since my late husband M. died and I registered on YWBB. M. died of lymphoma - he was 29, I was 28. It was a very aggressive form of lymphoma, but as he was otherwise young and very healthy, he was expected to make it through the chemo and get into remission. It didn't happen. We tried everything we felt we could, but he died less than a year after he was diagnosed. We knew each other growing up and got married not long after college, so we thought we had plenty of time before having kids. But, instead of having kids around 28 or so, I was widowed. I had my ups and downs - the first couple of years were extremely difficult. My pain at losing the family M and I had hoped to have was excruciating second only to the loss of M himself. I certainly made my mistakes, that's for sure. But I knew I had to do my best to be honest with myself in my grief - even if it was horrific at times. And I truly think that helped me to get through the worst of it. I met my now-husband, L., a little over a year after M. died. It was sooner than I would have chosen, but it worked out. Despite fertility issues, we have two kids now, ages 5 and 2. Being a mom is very hard at times, but it's amazing, and I am so thankful to have my kids and a great husband. I know M. is happy for me. We moved back to M's and my hometown a couple of years ago, so that's been weird at times. And M would have been 40 this spring - it is beyond bizarre to think about, given that he'll always be 29. So - I'm here. I don't know how much I'll post. But - I'm here. Best to all the other widows here.