Trying

My DH died of a rare cancer and my middle son has a very rare untreatable liver disease so my fears tend to be around anything medical.  When I hear "there is only the smallest chance this could be something serious" I automatically go to "worst case scenario" because it has been my reality before.  I try to hide my anxiety from fiance and my kids but I have had some serious panic attacks in private.

I really don't know how we get over this and no therapist has been able to do anything except give me some coping strategies for when it happens.

What a beautiful way to honor his memory, visiting a place where his life had such an impact on others.  Hugs to you.

I sit here crying for him like I haven't in a while. As my present and my future keep pulling me forward I find myself looking back to my life with him.  I have been over the anger for some time now but today it is there, why him? Why us? Why did I have to make all new dreams after 25 years of dreaming with him? Why do my kids have to grow up without their Dad?

Tomorrow I will go back to acceptance and looking forward but today I really need wallow in my grief and acknowledge how much I miss him and our life together. 

That took guts and a heavy dose of self respect, way to go!  As hard as it is, don't doubt that you did the right thing.

I've been trying to figure out how I can fit this in, I have so much going on right now. Have a wonderful time!

I am so sad to hear this.  Thank you for sharing with us a little more about the man he was.  My heart goes out to his daughter facing another devastating loss and for you on the loss of your friend.  There is so much that is unfair in this life.

Thank you Tybec.  Tonight I feel like "congratulations for making lemonade out of lemons".  Fiance deserves to feel like the best thing that has EVER happened to me while in my heart he is the best thing I could ever have hoped for at this time in my life.  I would never let him feel this way, he is a God send, so thank you for hearing my heart.

I'm feeling very reflective tonight.  I got one of those dreaded phone calls asking for DH.  Usually I just say "he's not home" when I know it's a telemarketer but today I said " He isn't here, He has been dead for 4 years".  Wow, not easy for me or the poor woman from half way around the world on the other end of the phone.  Oh, and I had to meet with my lawyer, a close friend and and business associate of DH to finalize our prenup and my new will.  Fiancé can't really understand the importance of a very thorough will, I didn't either, before...luckily DH did.

Feeling happy about the future and nostalgic about my past has been coming out in my dreams, I wake up not real clear who I was dreaming about.  Tomorrow we go to the wedding of the son and daughter of two couples we were very close with.  Remembering them meeting at our BBQ when they were in middle school, those great parties we used to throw with friends around all of the time.  My life is so different now, I am so different now. DH and fiancé are each wonderful men and I know I am very lucky to have found a partner to share my chapter 2 but this time of year I can't thinking about my old life. 

If you made it this far into my post, thanks for listening.  I have no one I can talk to about all of this.

Certain things are ok to keep close to our hearts and to ourselves only. It doesn't mean we don't cherish the present because we honor the past.

When I was first started dating fiancé, well maybe for almost 2 years into dating him, I found it very hard to ask for or accept help from him.  Like you, after being frustrated with the lack of help I had after DH died I had resigned myself that I was on my own and had to do it all.  Asking for help made me feel weak and vulnerable.  What if he left me and I was on my own again?  Thankfully I got over it and am so happy for the help, wish it hadn't taken me so long to accept it.

I completely get what you are saying, no one can ever be as invested in our kids.  This has been the most consistently difficult part of being widowed for me over the 4 years. 

I would be happy to be an ear for you but I know nothing can replace having your husband there by your side in this.

You don't need to move on at this point, you just need to hang on.  Those missed milestones are a heartbreak, none of this is fair.

I remember in my early months (years?) how I hated for people to tell me I was strong.  The last thing I felt was strong.  I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and very rarely had the luxury of completely falling apart because I had my children to take care of, a house to run and bills to pay.  This is the one place you can admit how totally devastated you are, that you are scared, lost, angry, in a fog, feeling like you have lost your mind and had your soul ripped from you.  We understand and my heart breaks knowing what you are going through. You won't be able to imagine it now but I will tell you anyway, 4 years later I am surviving, my kids are surviving and we all experience real joy again despite the hole that will always be in our hearts. 

My inlaws are just south of Tampa and are staying, they are under mandatory evacuation but only went 5 miles away to her brother's house.  DH was the only one in the family who was more stubborn than his mom and the only one who could get her to listen to common sense.  Brother in laws wife was telling me last night that I need to take DHs place and force them to leave.  Mind you they have 3 living children in their 40's.  They haven't listened to me either and I resent the guilt trip that I should be able to take DH's role in the family over her husband who is their son! 

Saying prayers for all of our family and friends in Florida and feeling pretty helpless.

We are all here because we share one thing in common.  We have lost the person we chose to love body and soul and share our lives with.  If you identify yourself as a widow/er than for the purposes of this group you are.  Legal rights are a different story that while they may complicate the grieving process they aren't the main focus here.  If there was a thread about the complications of unmarried widows I would not participate because I have no experience to share, that doesn't mean I would judge.

My religious, political and cultural backgrounds make up a big part of who I am.  This doesn't mean I am not open to people coming from a different viewpoint.  I sometimes learn something new, look at things differently or just scroll past if I don't agree. 

The tendency for some individuals to shout out "my way is right and yours is wrong!" gets frustrating and limits the openness of conversations.  When I share my experience or opinion it is just that, mine.  I do not pretend to know what is best for you so please don't pretend you know what is best for me.  Do not think you can speak for me because we are of the same gender, race, religion, sexual orientation or political leaning.  Do not make assumptions about me based on these labels and I promise to not make assumptions about you.

Speaking about the importance of acceptance while refusing to accept someone who disagrees with you is hypocritical. 

That's my 2 cents.  Let's get back to supporting each other.

I agree with Hachi that this board is much more civil than ywbb could get.  It does make me sad that it's quiet because you have all been my life line and I don't believe it's quiet because there are less of us becoming young widows.

Maybe search engine stuff?  Not my area of expertise at all.

While I feel for the most part that I am beyond active grieving there are those moments like you experienced that can bring me right back.  In a weird way I welcome those moments now (well, not when they hit in a public place) because it makes me feel close to him and reminds me of the permanent imprint he has on my heart.  My life with him forever changed me and his death forever changed me so it's natural that there are things that trigger a smile, gratitude, sadness, longing or any range of emotions.

I'm glad we all have this place to come to.

We each have our own definition of intimacy. For some hand holding in public, for some kissing, for others it may be sleeping the whole night together. I know that for me all of those things were unimaginable with anyone besides my DH, we were together 25 years, since I was 19. But amazingly I reconnected with someone from my past long before I thought about dating. The late night phone conversations for weeks before our first date, sharing intimate details of our lives was the first sign. On our first date I touched his hand across the table and he asked if he could kiss me good night after walking to my car. What was most surprising was how nice it was (oh I freaked out at each stage when left to my own thoughts) in the moment.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that somethings are too hard to imagine being possible until they happen.

Kailee I relate to this so well.  We were married 20 years and our social circle was all couple friends.  In the beginning some tried to still include me but it was hard on all of us.  My DH was very outgoing and loved to have people over all the time. I couldn't handle doing it alone that first year but I did try a few times and it was often a disaster.  Most friends just left me out, interestingly the husbands reached out more than the wives.  One woman in particular loves to post everything she does on FB so I got to see everything I wasn't invited too.

I'm introverted and have trouble making new friends but I like the idea of using hobbies or interests to meet people.  Good luck, this is a big step towards rejoining the world and finding how you fit in it now. Baby steps.

BH2 it is my opinion that a skin starved widow should be every man's dream!  Any man would be lucky to let you figure out exactly what you want to do😉

Tybec it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates right now.  Before we got engaged NG and I each complained at different times that we were "together but separate", each dealing with our own stuff alone even if we were supportive.

I can't speak for the future of your relationship but we are now operating as more of a team.  We are definitely not yet at the place I was with DH because I still deal most of the things to do with my kids and he deals with most to do with his.  We are slowly integrating with the younger kids but I don't think it will ever be 50-50.  House stuff and our personal stuff is now more of a partnership.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's decline, between moving and this you have a great deal of stress and I'm sure it has you missing your DH and the strong partnership you had.

Like most big dates I felt the lead up was the hardest followed by exhaustion for a week after then relief that I survived.  Knowing that all of the "firsts" have passed is some comfort.

I'm hitting 4 years in September and have no great insight to share, just wanted to say that you are not alone.  I go back and forth between "how can it be 4 years already?!" To "did that life we shared for 20 years really happen?"

Over all I'm in a good place but some of the damage seems permanent.  I think I'm ok with that because the 20 years we were married has permanent effects on me so of course losing him should too.

I know I won't get a lot of people marking the sadversary this year, my kids, his parents, his sister, my mom.  My sister never acknowledges tough days for me or my mom.  I happen to be getting married 10 days after the date so I am anticipating being a bit of an emotional wreck this year. 

After 4 years I recently had to get the death certificate out again, it sucks every time.  Back to school time here and filling out the damn forms, "father's name" still sucks every time too.  It's important to me that the school knows he's not a dead beat dad, he's just dead.

I only moved across town so I didn't really leave my whole world behind me but I have experienced the struggle of emotions in new settings where on one hand it's a relief to be where there are no memories but on the other hand I want people to know my history, to know I'm not divorced, to know my kids don't have an uninvolved loser for a Dad that doesn't show up to things.

Big hugs to you tybec, I'm sure you are on an emotional roller coaster.  Keep reminding yourself that you had very good reasons for moving and you have survived much harder things.