oscarsbeloved

god, finding little things here and there hurts the most. my father just left a few days ago and my mother is coming in a week for the one month mark. i'm back at our old apartment and when my son goes to sleep i keep burying my face in oscar's shirts and reading the birthday cards he would write me, including one i thought i had lost. i keep breaking down when i see the words "my love" in his careful handwriting. i'm sorry you're here and i'm sorry i'm here. i'm sorry any of us have to be here. know that you aren't alone. and cry, you have every right to cry. i don't know if it ever gets easier, but know that we're all here together.

that's awful. love has no gender, it's just love. can't they understand that? the heart wants what it wants. they sound like my Oscar's parents. he cut ties with them long ago, they're religious nuts. they turned his memorial into propaganda for their church and censored most of the things i said because i wasn't his wife, just a fiancee. they keep acting like all of our problems were because I'm catholic/was married before/was living unwed with their son. people like that have to blame others because they know deep down they're the reason their kids want nothing to do with them. take comfort in the fact that your wife chose YOU to love. none of us can choose our families.

i'm moved back into our old apartment with my son. the psychologist said the nightmares and nausea were because of living in the house and the fear i've attached to it after what's happened. i don't feel scared anymore, now i just feel loneliness. when my son goes to sleep at night, i really feel how heavy the loneliness is. there are hours upon hours that i'm not talking or laughing like we always did. because he was my best friend, i never really cultivated friendships with other people. i have nothing and no one. i keep hoping this is all just a nightmare but it isn't. i'm never going to wake up from this because i'm already awake. i'm only 28. i don't want to meet someone else and forget him. we were supposed to grow old together. i don't understand why this happened. and i can't handle all the pain.

Oscar and I had been together since May of 2012. Our relationship was, so perfect. He was kind and thoughtful, his only thought was to protect me and make me happy. He helped me to gain the confidence to go back to school and he was there to cheer me on as the awards and honors came. He was accepting and patient with my little boy from my first marriage, and connected well with him, to the point where my son always asked when we would get married. He had set aside a ring he was paying for and said he had a date set for the proposal. Our lives together were beginning. Everything came to an end last Monday when I woke up alone. He would sometimes go to the garage to clean his guns. And I found him dead, the result of a freak accident. I'm haunted by the thought of his body lying there. The police said I need trauma and grief counseling. I can't support my family now, and I have my young son to comfort too. I wasn't his wife, so I had no control over anything when it came to the service or his wishes. I'm trying my best to hold it together but I finally broke today. They were loading him into the crematory oven and I lost it. I started screaming and crying, banging on the glass and begging them to stop. It took his family and the funeral director an hour to calm me down. Now I feel numb again, and scared. What do I do? I want to live, I want to accomplish everything he wanted for me. I don't want to lose my job, and I don't want my grades to slip. When will healing begin?