Jump to content

Brenda

Members
  • Posts

    101
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

Brenda's Achievements

Newbie

Newbie (1/14)

  1. I only started with FB a few months after my wife had died, so I started with the "widowed" status. No issues, but then again I had (and still have) very few FB friends. After dating my now-ex-girlfriend for a while, I changed my status to "in a relationship". Plenty of people were rather happy to see that I'd taken that step, but then the relationship quickly fell to pieces and I had to change it back to either "single" or "widowed". It felt somehow wrong to change it back to "widowed" after being in a relationship - as if "widowed" is a one shot deal and I couldn't go back to it after giving it up - and I ended up just listing myself as "single". I guess "single" is the most appropriate for me as it says that I'm open to a relationship, whereas "widowed" seems (evidently unsuccessfully from what I've read here) to tell people to give me some space. In my mind, "single" is looking towards the future, while "widowed" is looking towards the past, but that's my personal opinion only.
  2. Mel, this is such a positive way of looking at things! After my first Chapter 2 relationship fell apart, I was thoroughly miserable. Heartbroken. I hadn't felt that way since my wife died, and I always thought after going through that pain, nothing could hurt me ever again. Was I wrong about that! But that first Chapter 2 relationship was so positive because it taught me that I don't feel guilty about moving on, and that I am - like you - not dead inside to the little pleasures that make life with somebody else wonderful. A learning experience. At the time, would I have done anything to mend that relationship? Absolutely, and it's almost worse knowing that the person is still alive, still out there, and there's still a chance of saving things. But now, not so much. While the immediate pain of the breakup was unbearable, the scars do heal in a way that the scars of bereavement never quite do. And now, I'm happily and confidently looking for someone else, and thankful that the failed relationship taught me that my ability to love didn't die with my spouse. I hope yours works out well. I'm sure it will given your positive and thoughtful posts on the subject. Wishing you the best!
  3. Sounds like you've found someone special - at least in the sense that there seem to be rather few out there who put up with, let alone understand, these ups and downs, these odd mixtures of happiness and sadness, for any extended period of time. To the uninitiated, we do look insane. Without coming off as "victim-blaming", I think we're sometimes responsible for the destruction of new relationships by not properly explaining how we feel and why we act in certain "odd" ways to those who want to become closer to us. They don't get it, thankfully not having gone through it themselves, and they're often afraid to ask. It's not their fault, but to a new romantic interest it's probably a little disconcerting to not know why our emotions are all over the place when we should be happy. They run because they think we're nuts, when they'd probably be inclined to stay if we'd just let them in and do our best to help them figure us out. Good communication does wonders for a relationship. I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that you're on the right track by not trying to hide how you feel from the new girlfriend, nor are you failing to let her know how what you need in terms of support. For example, by explaining that the tears aren't a simple indicator of sadness, but that you feel happy too, she's that little bit more aware of who you are as a person and how your history will fit in with your combined future. She's not being left in the dark, and consequently won't think that she's somehow in an impossible competition with a dead person. "The Dead" by James Joyce and all that. But to be honest, I'm the last person to be dealing out relationship advice... The blanket: I know somewhat how you feel. I was looking for a woolly hat a few days ago because it was freezing outside. Found one, then saw that inside it was full of my wife's hair that had fallen out during chemo; she used it to keep her own head warm when thinning hair no longer did the job. One of those shocking little moments where it all becomes very real once again, and the feeling of wanting to hang on to every physical part of her is still very much present. All from a fucking woolly hat that cost a couple of bucks from Target, which is now put somewhere very safe lest anybody carelessly wash it and take one of the few physical reminders of her presence away from me. Wishing you the best.
  4. One year down. Many more to go (hopefully), and surely they can't be worse than the first. Can't believe how the time has flown and dragged simultaneously. But glad to have all the "firsts" finally out of the way. Thanks for the support, everyone at Widda. It's meant a lot. Life would have been far worse without this fantastic group of people who reach out and help one another despite being in the same awful situation themselves.
  5. Fuck that one year after she died, I'm unhappier than I've ever been before. Fuck that I would rather now be watching her die from cancer like I was last year rather than being here today in a worse situation. Fuck that nothing has got better, and instead has gotten only worse. Fuck that I lost everything. And fuck that I'm once again on the brink of killing myself because I'm a pathetic widow who can't handle something that countless other people manage to deal with.
  6. My relationship with the girl who I literally could have seen myself staying with for the rest of my life? Yup, gone. I ended it. I started to see the beginnings of the things I (in hindsight, and through lots of therapy) despised about my long marriage, and I cannot let myself make the same mistake again. I tried to address it with the new girl, but nothing changed. So back to being single. Regrets? Yes. I would have preferred to have a great friendship (which we kinda had) with this girl instead of a quick fling. Now I have neither, and I needed a good friend. Trying to not let this send me back into the depths of a nasty depression, but it's just one more thing going wrong at the moment. Frustrating!
  7. So many long distance relationships! Glad to see that some seem to work out, because my biggest worry now is that the distance will make any chance of success virtually zero. We're 4,500 miles apart (although once you get beyond driving distance and into flying distance, the mileage really means very little), and it takes me about fourteen hours door to door to get to her. Six hours time difference too. I'm UK, she's US. But fingers crossed. She's wonderful. I'm lucky. Worth taking a chance.
  8. After months and months of worry that I was somehow betraying my wife by accidentally falling in love with another woman only five months after she died, recent events have been surprisingly easy. First kiss - wow. No issues whatsoever, and no feeling whatsoever that I had cheated on my wife. Er, first sex - yeah, wow too. No issues! No afterthoughts that I had just done something awful. I had been ever so worried that it would bring back memories of being with my wife, but nothing of the sort happened. That said, the new woman is someone I'm truly in love with; she's not a casual relationship. But I wanted to report back that all my fears about my wife "intruding" into my new relationship were utterly unfounded. I do not feel guilty. I do not feel upset. I do not feel like I'm cheating. I'm very happy with the new relationship, other than the fact that we live somewhat far apart and that makes things awkward. So overall, good news. Really good news. Life does go on!
  9. Big believer in counselling here, despite thinking initially that it was all a load of total crap. But the value of having someone professionally trained and experienced who will sit there and listen to anything you can throw at them is immense, and has no doubt saved me from becoming a total nutjob. There's no harm in seeking counselling. It's a positive step towards making your life better, despite it being about as miserable as it can be right now. I hope you find it as helpful as I did.
  10. Yeah, it's not a daily thing. It's a once-weekly thing, saved for Saturday, and I never drink at any other time. Normally, I can stop at a bottle of wine (and I know that's too much in one sitting anyway) and have a pretty decent evening doing some cooking and having a few family members over for a meal. But once in a while, I get the "yeah Brenda you're having a great time after knocking back the whole bottle so surely adding more alcohol on top of that will make you feel even better" thing going on. It never works; I always regret anything over that single bottle of wine, without exception, but in the moment I kind of lose my common sense. But that's alcohol, right? I like the concept of the "widow proof" house. No alcohol sitting around (and if I do buy some, it needs to be a sensible single portion, not a case of beer or a two-for-one offer on wine), etc. I've already taken steps to widow proof the house in other ways (getting rid of any firearms, razor blades, stockpiles of prescription meds etc.), but there's clearly work to be done. But today has been a pretty good Sunday considering. And next week is looking bright. And I've a few positive things to look forward to in the near future in terms of getting my life back together (will soon be retraining for a new career, my wonderful new girlfriend, kids who aren't causing me any headaches and who are doing great in school, moving into a smaller and more manageable place, and finally scheduled surgery to sort out a nagging health issue), so things are moving in the right direction other than the occasional careless "I'm still twenty years old - woo hoo!" accident with the alcohol.
  11. Uh, not a bad Saturday until about 5pm when the bottle of wine was opened. Drank it really quickly. Then a beer. Then had the bright idea of swigging out of a bottle of some disgusting brandy that had been sitting around for years. And it all came up - obviously - and I found myself in bed by 9pm, sick as a dog. Not too bad this morning though, but I somehow never learn that while being slightly drunk once in a while can be fun, more and more alcohol on top of that doesn't ever lead to more and more enjoyment.
  12. I guess the unconditional honesty thing is probably a good idea. While new GF knows about my past, she doesn't know that it still affects me. I've done my absolute best to downplay things, to make sure that the baggage of the past is not brought forward into any new relationships, because I'm worried that new GF will think that she has to compete with me still loving someone who is dead; that's a feeling nobody wants to have, and I hate to burden her with that. So I think a quick heart-to-heart is on the cards. Nothing too serious, just a mention that I'm still recovering from what happened, but that I'm totally in love with new GF in a way that I can no longer be with my prior spouse. I'll always remember her very fondly, but I'm fully capable of loving new GF just as passionately and exclusively. Taking bets on whether that conversation will make things better or fuck things up irreparably...
  13. Yeah, the in-laws often show their true colors once a spouse has died. Sorry you're going through family issues - the stress really isn't a welcome addition, I'm sure. When my in-laws pushed me away shortly after my wife had died, I thought that it would be temporary, that they were grieving the loss of their daughter/sister, and that I should give them some space to get their lives back together (notwithstanding the fact that I needed their help more than anything at that time, given the total destruction my wife's death caused to my life and our children.) I thought that it was just a natural reorganization. But when things didn't get back to anything like the normal (but distant) relationship we always had, I started to realize that the in-laws were just total assholes who I didn't want in my new life. Sure, there are grandchildren to consider, but I'm the parent and I decided to move on with my life and help my children move on with theirs, and the in-laws would in no way be a part of that. If they couldn't act reasonably towards me, then they have zero chance of being around my children. It's not too late to move on, cut them out, and do what makes you happy and comfortable. You are in no way obligated to see them, interact with them, visit them, live near them, nothing whatsoever. So if they're causing more problems than they're solving, get rid of them. We all know first hand and better than most that life is too short to waste on people who do not treat us properly, and I'm far happier now that I've cut ties and started to do what helps me get beyond my wife's death, not what helps them. If your new life with your new beau is where you want to focus, then do exactly that and don't look back. We can't please everybody, but we can please ourselves.
  14. So most days, I'm pretty able to act and think normally. My new girlfriend makes me very happy, and I'm glad I'm making progress. But yesterday was a nightmare grief day; of course, overdoing the alcohol didn't help, but I spent most of the evening bawling my eyes out. Luckily, I was alone. But it makes me wonder whether I'm supposed to be in a new relationship yet if the old one still has such a profound, albeit occasional, effect on me. Thoughts on this? Has anyone successfully dated someone else in the gray area between active grief and moving on?
  15. I'm going to add a big "fuck them" for such shitty behavior. Sorry your son had to go through that. People can be such total dicks and you're right not to put up with that ever again.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.