MauiMermaid

On 12/27/2018 at 1:23 PM, MrsDan said:

There will never be a part of me that doesn't see the world as being a lesser place because Dan is not in it. And the sorrow I feel for HIM, what he has lost out on, I just can't shed that. That part gets harder as time goes on, in a way, because there is just more and more stuff that he's missing and that is where much of my grief stems from now - how his death impacts everyone else. I miss him, i wonder what our life would look like now. But the bigger thing i struggle with is missing him within a larger context - knowing the void it creates within his family, knowing what my daughter is missing out him, the reality that he didn't have the chance to know that amazing little girl. i miss him in the moments that should have happened, like I miss the way he laughed when he found something really funny and it tears me up that he never laughed that way at the million hilarious things our daughter does. 

I always get you, MrsDan. But this last paragraph just brought me to tears because you so clearly illustrated what my grief feels like now. [Wiping tears now]. Thank you for sharing this...

And ps I'm happy to hear you are doing well. xoxo

On 7/18/2018 at 5:20 AM, canadiangirl said:

I haven't been on lately but it is nice to see some familiar names.  I came here to say with all my heart I MISS MY HUSBAND.  Specifically. This hour, this minute.  At 4.5 years out, I am not holding onto grief, I don't care about recoupling (shout out to soloact), I still feel trauma as a lot happened during his illness, at his death and afterwards that was and continues to be be overwhelming (yes yes I am getting help).  There are few people in my life that could understand the yearning and longing (and some residual anger) that I still occasionally feel at times like this.  I'm fine, I am outwardly coping, my child is okay and I have a lot of hope for the future, but good lord I am still going day by day.  I am still grateful for a lot, including that for others life has become more peaceful, even joyful again in similar or more extended time frames. My heart goes out to those who suffer even more, because I know there are plenty of those people, who often stay silent for many reasons, including the stigma of still struggling when the expectation (even here) is that we have taken control again of our happiness and future.  We all know that life does not always conform to the expected or desired narrative. Sometimes that control is elusive. 

Thank you for this. Just thank you. Hugs to you, canadiangirl.

On 11/3/2018 at 6:23 AM, Eddienhp said:

The world has moved on but we carry the grief everyday. We live it. We face it. It will always be part of us. Someone very important is no longer here. It can’t be avoided or erased. That is a fact we will live with all of our lives. 

This really resonated... you put in words exactly how I feel.

On 11/3/2018 at 6:23 AM, Eddienhp said:

I am very thankful I can express this here amongst people who understand. 

 

Eileen

{{{Hugs}}} to you, Eileen.

On 10/18/2018 at 4:42 AM, donswife said:

Today will be 4 years for me.

Thank you for all your post as at times I feel like it was yesterday.

Just the feeling that the life we had planned really , really isn't going to happen can be hard to grasp.

Feels as if I kept holding on to the illusion that it would all some day feel and be the same as when he was here. 

 

 

Hugs, Donswife. 4 years... where has the time gone. Hope you made it through the day ok considering.

I so understand the holding on the illusion part. It is still hard for me to grasp that our plans and dreams aren't here anymore.

On 10/22/2018 at 6:10 PM, Suki1 said:

Hi MM, it's over 4½ years for me and what you wrote sounds exactly like what I feel. Thank you — it's comforting somehow to know I'm not the only one ....

Hugs to you, Suki xoxo you are not alone.

On 10/11/2018 at 7:38 AM, Captains wife said:

I have to admit I have spent a fair amount of time recently wondering "what if" - what would our lives be like now with our DH?

 

Totally this. I do the "what if" quite a lot myself.

 

I've raised a young boy, climbed the corporate ladder, become a school volunteer, become a Scout leader, been through so much in terms of the school system and my son's development and learned how to sail (and got my son into sailing) plus built up a completely new social life for myself and my son and Ive been out in the dating world (and dating a divorced dad now). Im proud of what we have accomplished but I still think "what if".

Hugs to you, Captains Wife. And thank you for all your posts over the years... I looked to you in the beginning. You were a huge support to me as I read through your posts. Glad to hear you are doing well despite the "what if" part we all feel. xoxoxo

On 10/5/2018 at 3:17 PM, tybec said:

 

Hugs, Tybec. xoxo

On 10/7/2018 at 5:33 AM, Trying said:

MM, it's been 5 years for me and so much has changed.  I have much to be grateful for and some things to be proud of accomplishing.  But there are days when I just miss the life we had together, it seems like it was someone else's life altogether.  I get what you're saying about living a fake alternate reality.  I started out with the idea that "fake it till you make it" was the way to be strong and move forward but I'm not sure that I've ever stopped faking it.

I totally understand this. I sort of feel like our time together was a dream at this point.

Hugs, Trying. Good to see your name pop up. Hope you are doing well. xoxoxo

On 10/5/2018 at 9:06 PM, KrypticKat said:

I play my part but it doesn't feel real.

Totally this. Hugs to you, KrypticKat.

On 10/3/2018 at 3:23 PM, trying2breathe said:

MM    You've beautifully put into words how I feel too.  At five years out,  life is generally good, there's somebody new in my life, I have a fulfilling job and a volunteer position that I love.  The emptiness is always there though, and at times it can cloud everything else.  Most days are fine but there are those occasional dark days when I know to take it easy.   Thank you for posting, one step at at time and hope you continue to do well.

Thank you for sharing, Trying2Breathe. Glad to hear you are doing well. Wishing you continued strength and peace on those "dark days".

One step at a time indeed.

xoxo,

MM

2 hours ago, tybec said:

You articulated well some feelings/thoughts I have, too. So it must just happen.  7 years soon for me.  I don't know why it keeps lingering.  I think about when in interviews they ask what your 5 yr. plan is, and I don't know.  

 

I just took my dear son on a road trip for fall break to my university for a visit, 27 yrs since graduation.  He won''t choose this school, but there is so much history for me and my family as 5 of us went there, and my father was employed through there. And I started visiting the college when around 7 years old due to my brothers' attending as they are 15  years older.  I think I needed to remember who I was becoming as I was away from DH the entire time in college as he did his military time.  I am turning the BIG one in 6 months and struggling with who I am, what I want to be, and gearing up for my son's next phase of life which will be here SOON!   I took from it my roots, my ability to be on my own, the ability to get my son his wings from the roots he has.  I am getting there.  But I never expected to have to do this, or for it to take this long, as you noted.  

 

Slow process and progress.  Thanks for sharing.  I understand.

Thanks for sharing, Tybec. Hope you are well... good to see your name pop up.

How special to get some much needed reminders on your strength and independence from a place that carries so much history and memories. It must have been an emotional trip in many ways. Glad you were able to share it with your son.

Hugs to you,

MM

On 10/4/2018 at 9:42 AM, Toosoon2.0 said:

It will be six for me in February.  There is much, very much, that is good in my life.  My daughter just started Middle School (epic in itself) at the school where my husband once was the beloved art teacher.  I must be incredibly naive and stupid not to even consider that this was going to be in some way triggering but I honestly didn't.  But it is like one triggering thing after another, from a secretary crying when we walked into the building to the guidance counselor telling me stories he remembers my husband telling him.  I don't mind it necessarily - and I know it means my daughter is well looked after - but it sure is surreal after spending all of these years moving forward.  Really, I just wanted to send you a wish for peace and some empathy.  I am happy but I get it, too.  

Hi TooSoon,

I cannot believe she is starting Middle School! That really illustrates the years that have passed. I hope you are doing well.

Thank you for the kind words... sending you the same. xoxo

MM

Hello everyone... always comforting to see the familiar names pop up from the YWBB days. I hope you are all doing well in your journeys. Where has the time gone? These forums were a true lifeline and I'm so grateful to have found you all so many years ago...

It's almost 6 years since my DH passed away suddenly and I still struggle with feeling some days like I'm at 6 months in this. The disbelief still manages to hit me hard (albeit not as frequently). The tears still manage to flood my eyes at the thought of him being gone (though not every day, still often enough). The intense pain that pierces my heart still manages to do its thing (sometimes the volume is at 1 and other times it's at 10). Yes, there has been growth and happy moments over the last 5 years. Yes, a new person has entered my life and shown me unexpected hope for love and companionship in chapter 2. Yes, I've managed to make strides in my career. Yes, I've embraced spiritual growth and mindfulness while I navigate the loss. But behind all the positive steps "forward", that intense empty still lingers. That void still remains. At the bottom of it all, I just miss him. I just miss him so very much. As much as I try to stay in the present, I can't help to miss my "old" life. OUR life... together.

I try to be kind to myself and acknowledge where I've grown but sometimes I just feel like it's all a facade. Like I'm living some fake alternate-reality version of my life and self. I just feel so lost and directionless at times. This 5th full year without him has just been so taxing and difficult for some reason. Almost like I've fallen back to the early days at times. I guess that's just how the journey goes... up, down, sideways and back again. But simply, I just miss him and I guess no amount of time really changes that. I'm grateful for the good things in my life now but the missing him part is just always there front row center.

Thanks for listening. And again, hope all of you are doing well and thriving in new ways and new chapters. Big hugs to you all.

And I made it through the semester but was also up for my 5 year review the semester my husband died (and per our union contract, there was no possibility of delaying it) so I had to be "evaluated" by my students. 

 

I cannot tell you what it felt like to read things like, "She needs to get over herself.  So what, her husband died." or  "Everybody has problems; she needs to leave her dead husband at home and not bring him to work."  Honestly, it's been four years since I read those comments and only now do I feel like I can write out those words for the first time.  They broke my heart.  I know they're "just kids" and "they don't know what they're saying" but as a person who has dedicated my life to the classroom, I can never unread those comments and others like them. 

 

I never should have been in the classroom immediately after his death but I didn't have a choice. 

Oh, TooSoon... that pierced my heart. I'm so sorry you had to read that from your students. As much as you can write it off as a lack of life experience, seeing those words in print must have been so very painful. Big (((hugs))) to you.

There have been an abundance of posts about this on LinkedIn lately. I'm glad to see more awareness and open conversation about the impact of grief in losing a partner or spouse. Anything that will help foster more empathy going forward is such a good thing. As Maureen mentioned, so often bereavement policies seem to apply more to the passing of a relative (which is still really tough but, as we know, isn't in the same ballpark).

What seems lost of the author of the piece and probably a lot of people who are with widows is how obligated we feel to keep our late spouses present in the public consciousness. To ensure that they are not forgotten. The new partner is here, but who will speak for our late spouses?

THIS. So this.

I know it must be difficult for NG to hear when I talk through memories or sadness. But the truth is my DH is forever part of who I am.

I found the blog post a little callous.

Big hugs to you. I understand. "We were blissfully ignorant of what was to come and didn't know we should be celebrating with more intention." SO understand that. xoxoxo

Hang in there Maureen.  You've been my idol since I first came across your posts here on the site.  You've even made me consider going back to school myself.  I'm excited to see where you land! 

^^ This! You have continued to be such a positive light to so many of us here. Sending you some hugs. You have accomplished so much in the last 3 years... kudos to you! Is it possible to take a weekend trip just to clear your mind? Sometimes I find just getting out of dodge for even just a day or two does wonders. HUGS! You'll get through this.

For now, I will share with you our song. For whatever reason, it's an obscure rockabilly tune. Feel free to share your own 'our song'-s with me so I have a play list tonight while I'm drinking wine, looking up at the moon, and remembering my husband.

The link below was a favorite of ours before he passed away. The lyrics touch my heart all the more now that he isn't here anymore... tough to fight the tears on this one.

Band of Horses "No one's gonna love you more than I do"

"We are the ever-living ghost of what once was..."

Sorry to hear you had an especially tough day. The feelings just seem to really sucker punch us some times. Big hugs to you. We understand. xoxoxo

Beautiful words, Bunny. Thanks for sharing Euf's post, too. I understand every word... so much so that I have tears streaming down my cheeks. It all just seems so unimaginable doesn't it? Like you said, no rhyme or reason.

Big hugs to you today. We understand. xoxoxo

Thank you all for the kind words, support and understanding. I really appreciate it.

NG took me out to dinner and has been especially kind and supportive today. He actually wanted to "celebrate" and go out for a nice sushi dinner rather than see me stay at home upset. This whole situation is just the strangest thing ever. DH was here four years ago, celebrating our 15th anniversary, and now I have a boyfriend consoling me and taking me out for sushi as a remembrance. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

Thanks again for all of your support. (((Hugs))) xoxo

Today would be 19 years. It's my 4th without him here. This is just all so surreal... I still feel like this can't be real? How can he really be gone... forever? I don't know if I'll ever be able to wrap my head (or heart) around that. I reluctantly decided to work today and I just can't focus. Tears keep filling my eyes and I'm just missing him so very much.

I feel like as each year goes by my "old" life feels more like a dream now. My memories of our life together feel less and less tangible. It's just so hard to describe this feeling to anyone. It's like I'm living someone else's life? It's all so unsettling.

Happy Anniversary, my love. I'm grateful I could share 15 anniversaries with you by my side. Miss you so very much.

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

Big hugs, still_lost. I understand the struggle and I certainly understand the "tired". I really like the quote kjs1989 added. So true.

Hang in there, we understand. xoxo

Thanks for posting, Blue green. Big (((hugs))) to you... sorry you have to go through this.

You and the others explained it so well. It's just surreal, like we're living in a different universe or something. Like you, my husband died suddenly. Here and healthy and then poof... gone. It's indeed a very strange feeling and hard to describe... too visceral to put in words.

I'm going on 4 years and I can't figure out which is more difficult to believe... that he lived or that he died. Sometimes I feel like I just dreamed up my "old" life. Still can't seem to fathom that I'll never touch him, kiss him, hear his voice, laugh with him, see him get old.

Big hugs to you and thanks for posting. xoxo

(((Hugs)))