MauiMermaid

I was just about to post something about the season and read your post. Interesting how a certain time of year can carry this visceral emptiness. I can feel it. It is coming. The last few months he would live on this Earth (little did we know what was lurking just a handful of weeks ahead). Our anniversary in early November. My birthday, his birthday. The last Thanksgiving. The last Christmas. So many "lasts" leading up to him dying so suddenly. I don't think the last few months of the year will ever feel the same to me. It feels like a clock ticking to when he suddenly left me in those early days of 2013. 

There's still that big hole, and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there that you don't feel complete. 

 

When you wake up, think "Okay, I will do one thing today that I will find meaningful.  I may not be happy, but I will have done that thing"

So true, Quixote. That is such a succinct way of putting it. Just about 4 years for me... and I still feel this giant hole in my heart. Even being in a relationship for the past 2 years hasn't filled it. So, I can attest that "being with someone else" doesn't necessarily solve that.

Doing things meaningful is the key. We need to fill our cup in different ways now.

Big hugs, rooshy. Do what feels right to you. I feel like if and when you're ready for someone else, it will happen. Like you, I had absolutely no desire to ever meet anyone new. I wrote about that so much on the YWBB. Then I ended up meeting someone on an airplane of all places. We didn't even live in the same city. Be kind to yourself... moving forward is what we are doing every morning we wake. xoxo

(((Hugs))) to you. Totally understand. Your words brought tears to my eyes. No matter how well we learn to adapt to our new lives without them, we still get those days that just knock us out. xoxo

What I wouldn't give for just one day with him.

This. I like to think they know somehow how we are doing. That with every step forward, they know that their love somehow is guiding us through. xoxo

Congratulations on your new home, career and adventure into Chapter 2. Big hugs to you. xoxo

Yes. And it happened to me just yesterday. Then he stated that his wife will be staying with his daughter for just a few days as they settle in. He then "thoughtlessly" said "and it's so lonely with my wife gone. I turn to say something and she's not there!"

 

At least she will return home to him soon.

Try being alone for 9 years!!

This sort of thing happens to me all of the time. All of my workers are happily married, many with husbands who sometime travel. They talk as if their world is ending because their spouse is traveling for 4 days. Idle chit-chat during lunch that pierces my heart. I feel like saying, "Try having them return 'never'." Still have to fight back the tears when this sort of banter goes on too long.

(((Hugs to all))))

 

He's a really great guy who I love very much, but out relationship is not nearly as effortless as the one I had with Tim. 

 

But goddamn am I still sometimes caught off guard by how much I fucking miss him and how much not having him in my life still hurts.

Totally this. (((Hugs MrsT85)))

Here is Part Two:

How Patton Oswalt & His Daughter Are Coping With His Wife's Passing

So, are you happy now after winning an Emmy? "Well it's the flavor of happiness but there is no calories or nutrition there anymore [without Michelle]..."

Approaching 4 years and I still do. Not all the time but often. It's too pretty and special to sit in a box. I'm really fortunate that NG doesn't mind me wearing it and actually celebrates that I do.

Hugs to you.

Huge hugs, those posts are so brutal to those of us mourning. I've largely disconnected from FB because of this...

This election and all the drama and comedy that's gone with it. Just realized it's the first one with out him since I was old enough to vote. Miss you.

So beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes. {{{HUGS}}} Maureen

Poignant words from Patton Oswalt...

Many would say that is classic "depression" but I truly believe it is just the heavy hand of grief. I never had issues like this before he died and, believe me, I've had my share of trials and tribulations in life.

 

I'm not qualified to say what is or isn't 'depression', but couldn't depression be caused by grief?  That sounds obvious, but what I'm saying is that there are things you can do when you have depression, whether it is caused by grief or something else like an inherent chemical imbalance.

 

I guess I see a lot of these posts and I worry about the apathy and its effect on people and those close to them.  I understand the loss of hope due to being widowed but I like to think these feelings are temporary - even if 'temporary' in this case can mean many years.

Well in my case, I personally still seek professional therapy (a therapist specializing in PTSD and grief therapy). And, at one time, a Psychiatrist in conjunction with that. The latter wanted to put me on every pharmaceutical under the sun. I'm talking heavy anxiety meds 3x day (Klonipin), anti-depressants (Wellbutrin and others), sleeping pills (Trazadone, Ambien) and the like. I don't begrudge anyone taking medication but it's not for me. Therapy has helped (she practices EMDR) and something I continue.

If you met me, you wouldn't imagine that I'd write the things I do here. I keep it together outwardly and have continued my Chapter 2 because, well, life is short and I have to do my best. I have a pretty darn good job that I perform very well and a loving and caring Ch 2 relationship. But deep in my soul, that is the broken part. There is the deep empty. A pulsing void where he used to be. It feels like my heart is just permanently maimed if that makes sense. I don't believe that this is chemical... that's just me knowing me.

So I'm not sure about the "effect on people close to me". I don't cry to them daily or keep myself in my bed shielded from the world. This is just a deep personal hurt that I can't imagine them to understand so I have learned to process it myself. BF understands and knows this. Sometimes I confide in him but the majority of the time keep it concealed. I wouldn't say he is affected negatively nor anyone I work with or friends, family.

As far as time, I don't doubt it may be years and years. I grew up with my husband, spent more than half my young life with him, and have a small circle of family (that was mostly his). So, erase him from the picture and I was literally left with a clean slate and 22 years of memories that only I hold now.

I hope my words help others feel less alone in their feelings. I hope it helps them know they that are understood. Those are powerful things in this journey. 

I am moving forward.  I am surviving, and sometimes a little bit thriving.  I did purposefully try new things the 2nd year out, to just be different, experience novelty. But if you asked me where I see myself in 5 years, 10 years, I can't tell you.  I could before.  There were goals, ideas, things to look forward to, reach for with my DH.  Now, I just want to get my child independent someday, but then what?  In a society, culture, that believes you should have the 5, 10, 20 year plan, and your plan is wiped out as you PLANNED to do it as a couple, whatever it was, it is hard to regroup.  I don't find a career satisfying.  It doesn't hold your hand at the doctor's office or put its arm around you at your parents' funeral.  Money doesn't solve it all, either, though it helps, I know.  Human interdependence with someone who has your back and vice versus.  That is what matters in the long run. Could be a new spouse, a circle of friends, but people and relationships.  So, I get the lack or change of motivation.  It is just hard.

Totally this. Outwardly, you'd say I've "progressed". New relationship for the past 2 years, new job, new place to call home, trips here and there. But I feel no purpose and I'm just always so damn exhausted all the time. When your life goals are wiped clean, how do you regroup? I feel like I was born again into an entirely different life. It's so unsettling. I miss being two. Being one and starting over at your most fragile - not so much. I'll keep plugging away at this but everything in my life feels likes it's coated in a constant hurt.

{{{Hugs to all}}}. Thank you still_lost for starting this thread. It clearly resonated with many of us.

I also feel this way.  I have lost all motivation.  There is no joy or happiness for me anymore.  I am overwhelmed and tired.  When my husband was alive and well we did things, alone and together.  Now knowing that he is not here has stopped me in my tracks.  I gave up somehow,  I am trying to pull myself out of this place but it's hard.  Losing him has changed my life forever.

I do have some good days and I keep moving on, I do what I have to do to survive.  Hopefully I will get that spark back and not feel that life is so pointless.

Ditto. {{{Hugs}}}

p.s. love your quote.

((((Hugs)))) Bunny, I get it. xoxo

My old phone still has the last text messages from my husband.  Just really casual stuff like "running late, be there soon." So surreal to think how normal life was...until it wasn't, and the county coroner was at my front door.

This. I miss the innocence of my life before I got the news.

I totally understand. 3.5 years have passed and I feel the same. It's like my passion for life evaporated when he died. Things that used to bring me so much joy simply don't anymore. I feel like my battery is worn down so much with just living this new version of life that I have little left over for interests and rediscovery. That sounds terribly bleak and dark but the most accurate way of describing it. Apathy is the most succinct term I guess. I just don't have the energy or will to try new things and truly "live" again. Feel like I'm sort of going through the motions without much purpose or drive.

Many would say that is classic "depression" but I truly believe it is just the heavy hand of grief. I never had issues like this before he died and, believe me, I've had my share of trials and tribulations in life.

Life is about turns and twists and I'm hoping there comes a day where the light shines on me a little brighter. It feels so dark and lonely without him here. ((((Hugs)))) to you, I understand. Hang in there. xoxo

Less than a month away!

 

There is now information for that day found on this page:

 

https://disneyland.disney.go.com/ca/calendar/daily/?day=20160721

 

Here are the highlights:

 

-Park Hours: 8am-midnight (If your ticket permits, there is also a magic morning early admission this day)

 

-Ride closures are as follows:

 

    Mark Twain Riverboat

    Sailing Ship Columbia

    Tom Sawyers Island

    Davy Crockett Explorer Canoes

    Disneyland Railroad

 

-Disneyland Fireworks are at 9:30pm and California Adventure's are at 9:00pm and 10:15pm.

 

And pasting below the most recently updated list (sorry we will miss you this time, Momtojandj) :

 

People that said they are in at some point in this thread:

lcoxwell

Jen

Jess

Justin (+DD and friend of DD)

November

MauiMermaid

Michael797

LiveToRide (+DD)

twistedmensa (+kids)

 

I will be working an event in LA the evening of July 21st. I literally work from home 95% of the time and the one day I have to be somewhere. UGH!

Enjoy!!!

bumbleb,

 

 

Yes, take the time off for the summer and take care of you.  It is the very best investment. 

 

Hugs.

Agreed! Enjoy time for yourself.

I am caught betwixt and between who I once was and then who I became and who I am now and it is a little overwhelming. If I let all of those reminders go, will I remember it all? ...It is hard to look at those bins and boxes and realize that I am 44 years old and I've somehow managed to put the past 20 some years into a couple of bins and boxes.  To take in and absorb all that has happened over all of these years is a lot.  I just needed to say it out loud(ish) - if this counts as out loud. 

Big hugs to you. I completely and totally understand every word. It's so surreal isn't it? I swear the longer time goes by the more my "old" life feels like a figment of my imagination. When I come across those tangible things, I think "really?!". So unsettling.

Wishing you strength and some semblance of peace - I know how hard this is. xoxoxo

 

For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect. I need to figure out how to be a different person.  I don’t want to, but I think I need to.  I need to stop wanting to hold tightly to Tim’s family in an attempt to hang on to any part of him possible if they don’t want to hold me back.  I need to find new passions and new hobbies that weren’t huge parts of my life with Tim, things that can be emotionally satisfying without also being exhausting and often triggering. 

 

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this pitiful whimper of mine...I know I'm not saying anything new or novel when I say that figuring this "new life" shit out is really really difficult...

I'm late to read this... so congratulations!! I think it was yesterday?

Your words, as they often do, rang so true to my own struggles. Thank you for taking the time to share your deepest emotions with us. Figuring out this "new life" is indeed really really difficult. Knowing there are people who truly understand has made all the difference. So, thank you.

"There is a light that never goes out... "

Hugs to you Needytoo. xoxo

I read this post and can't believe we are all at 3 years now. Familiar "faces" that I remember walking through those first months with. And here we are. We have survived. We are persevering.

I'm glad you got some signs. Much love and big hugs to you and everyone.