Frostedglass

May your tomorrow reflect happy memories.

I feel like I'm standing at the beginning of something. I'm at a trail head, or bottom of a winding staircase, or edge of an unknown town. I know I'm trying to decide what my life will look like now, and that I have lots of options. My dilemma - am I being scared of life if I make no changes? Am I being too adventurous if I make big changes (new job, new town)? I want to emerge from the shadows but I also want to be deliberate with my steps.

He ate the meat, I ate the veggies. He's the only person I've ever been able to be silent with and have it be so meaningful.

My limited journaling consists of lists - what I miss about DH, questions I have, etc. I need to add 'what I'm thankful for' to my journaling. Thanks for the reminder.

My dark days worsened toward the end of August as our wedding anniversary approached. That was one of the hardest milestones so far. I expected to feel better once the dreaded day had passed, but I didn't. My depression held on through October and the one year mark of DH's death. Now there's holidays and his birthday to take me through January. I just don't see a reprieve in sight. I have better days and worse days. Grief is exhausting! The most difficult part is that the person who could help me through this time, the person I need to make me feel better, the one who could nurse me back to health is the one I'm grieving. I try to remind myself of the many blessings God has granted me in His mercy. Hang in there everyone.

I'm new here and want to introduce myself. My world turned inside out just over a year ago. Like all of you, at times I accept my new normal and other times I simply can't believe this has all happened. My MIL suffered from a variety of cancers for 20 years and sadly passed away last Oct. 11, 2014. My husband spent the week helping his sisters go through her things. Her memorial service was on a Thursday and my husband had a difficult time burying her. At the time I was also suffering from excruciating sciatica pain from a herniated disc. I could hardly walk and relied heavily on my husband's help just to get out of bed every morning. Because of my pain, I couldn't attend all of the services for his mother. I was glad he spent the extended time with his family which was rare for him; he didn't hang out with them regularly. So, the memorial activities for his mother were over and Monday came along as it does every week. My DH drove me to work (back pain couldn't drive) and picked me up (I'm a school teacher). We walked through the front door and he collapsed. I thought he was having a seizure, but he never started seizing. My son happened to just be getting home (a total God thing) from work. I called 911 and they arrived quickly. At the ER they told me they were never able to get a heartbeat. The Dr. said his heart just stopped, that he was gone when he first hit the floor. How does that even happen? I don't know how I got through the following hours, days, weeks, or months. I had back surgery in Dec. which helped my physical pain, but the heartache is unending. I have three kids, my oldest son lives with me and helps me financially, I have a daughter who is newly married and lives in a neighboring state, and my youngest daughter is in college. My DH and I were married 23 years. He loved me more than I appreciated and I didn't realize how much I loved him. Memories just aren't enough. A widow on another site wrote something once . . . living was now like watching her life through a glass window. That resonated with me, hence my username.