stuckwonderingwhy

Thanks for the kind words you two. I'm doing better today. It just seems like every time I start to inch forward, days like this suck me back into the pit. I keep trying to reach out and I just keep falling flat.

It was her birthday today. It's the first one I've had to endure since her passing last year. It will be a year this coming March, and I still don't feel like I've moved forward an inch. Once a year at work we have training to cover basic need to know topics. One of these is CPR. The slideshow we were watching showed pictures of people at work that survived, and their families today. They all looked so happy. But we didn't get that happy ending. CPR did not revive her. I kept trying to keep my composure. I tried to hold it in, but when we were given a break I had to leave. I felt like I was going to explode. I just couldn't handle hearing about survival statistics, knowing that she was not part of them. I should be able to sit through a slideshow almost a year later. I'm still waiting for my boss to call and tell me to "get it together". I have no idea if they'll even call. I feel like something like this shouldn't bother me, but I fell apart just thinking about her today. She would have been 28. We were supposed to be married this year. She was supposed to be working on her Masters Degree. We were supposed to be going on a honeymoon, and buying a house. I can't even go see her grave today because it's 3000 miles away. I just don't know what to do.

I guess I should update, it's getting close to a year and I'll need to switch to the 1 year forum soon. I've gotten better at letting the anger go. I still feel abandoned. I still feel disappointed about the people in my life. I don't really talk with anyone anymore. Aside from passing banter and work related topics, the only interaction I get with anyone seems to be online anymore. I've tried to reach out, but I haven't had anyone stick around for any real conversation. People are starting to recommend online dating, I just don't know how to "date" anymore. It's harder in your 30's than it is in your 20's. Almost everyone's in a different place in life than I am. I just don't know what to do. Or even if I'm ready. It's been difficult, but I've been packing up all of my things. I've donated so much of my home. I'm trying to get down to just the necessary things I need for day to day living. I still dread going into my basement, it's full of my fiancee's and brother's things. It's going to take some time yet before I can handle it. I've been trying to get a new job lined up, far away. I really can't see myself moving on in this house. I still have so much to do to get out of here. It's just so hard to keep working on it. I fall apart every time I try to pack a box or fill a bag. If I had good friends, I wouldn't be doing this alone. Overall, I feel either numb or depressed. I keep trying to eek out of feeling either. I wan't to feel better. I want to go out. I just don't have the support I need here to do either. I just need to get out of here.

I'm getting close to a year, and I can relate to the way you may feel. I struggled with the idea of going back to work. I questioned if I was acting "normal" so I wouldn't have to deal with everything I was feeling. Sometimes, I did try to just bury it and act like I was okay. I was tired of being treated with "kid gloves" because of my situation. I wanted to be done with grieving before I was actually ready to be, because I was just so damn broken. I still have moments. I don't know when these moments will stop, if ever. There is a lot of fear in wondering if how you are dealing with loss the "correct way". Try not to think of it like this. There really is no correct way to deal with loss. Everyone's got their own path, and you will find yours. Try not to feel guilty as you move forward. Don't beat yourself up when you've had a good day. I know I did. I used to wonder if it was ok for me to have fun again. I felt like if I enjoyed anything, that I wasn't hurting enough. That I was supposed to stay broken, and that having a good time meant that it was ok that she was gone. That's not really the way things work, and I know that she wouldn't want me to force myself to suffer for her sake. That numbness will fade with time. You shouldn't try to force yourself to feel anything, feelings have their own way of pushing through the walls we like to put up around them. Just take it slow and move forward a bit at a time.

I understand why people say holidays are hard when you are alone. Nothing much has changed in my life. Every time I try to get motivated to make changes I end up falling flat in a few days. The home we made together is a mess. I find its getting harder and harder just to clean up. I keep telling myself that I'm going to junk everything, and start over clean. Keep just a few things and accept that I live alone now. I have boxes and bags full of things I no longer need, but can't bring myself to be rid of them. I continually reach out to those around me for assistance, but everyone's just too busy to give me a hand. They are way too busy with the Holiday season and their happy families to give someone like me time. Sadly it's getting easier to not get upset about things like this. I have a better understanding of the term "Fair weather Friends." I'm sick of being alone, but I don't want anything to do with these people who have left me to deal with this on my own. I've started to apply for jobs out of state. I just can't be around this place anymore. It doesn't feel like a home anymore. There are no decorations. Nothing hangs on my door or the walls anymore. Phones don't ring. It's just four rooms and a roof. If I don't distract myself, I start to become overwhelmed with how sad this place makes me. It weighs heavy on me, and I just want to be somewhere, anywhere but here.

Thanks Max. I wish I knew what people were thinking too.

I spent Thanksgiving alone. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand it was a quiet peaceful day. No one was trying to dance around my grief. No awkward family moments. I made a small dinner and ate alone. I feel like this was easier than being around a bunch of people. I cannot remember the last time I was alone for a Thanksgiving. I don't think I've ever had one alone. On the other hand, I wasn't invited anywhere. No friends or family asked if I had any plans. No one bothered to ask me what I was doing. I received one text from Dad. That's it. I would like to think that if I had a friend going through this, especially during the holidays, I'd make sure they didn't have to go it alone. I'd at least make the offer. I'm really tired of being the one that has to initiate. Why can't people who supposedly care take the time to be my friend? I've posted before how I feel about my group of "friends". I know it's because they aren't the friends I thought they were. I'm still dealing with that. I wanted more from people than what they want to give. And it's not my place to be angry at them for it. I should just move on and leave them behind. Sadly, that just leaves me by myself. Me and my one text a month from Dad. Part of me want's to be ok with being alone. Forge a new "me". One that's not so damn co-dependent on others. The other part of me wishes that I didn't have to, because my friends wouldn't let me be alone. I refuse to beg for friendship or attention. I'm so damn tired of putting myself out there just to be stepped on and ignored. I don't want anyone's pity, I just want people to notice a good person, one that is still suffering.

Thanks Jess. I'm still slogging through it all, day by day. Part of me feels starved for attention. Part of me feels seclusion would be better. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around anyone I know. Rejection is a powerful thing. I fear going out. I'm afraid to fall apart in front of anyone. I don't think I can really put myself out in the world because most just wouldn't understand how I keep acting. On the few occasions that I've met new people, it's been terribly awkward. I struggle to just be normal, but I just end up coming off like an ass. I've heard people say... "He hasn't been the same, just give him some space." "I don't know why he's acting this way, what happened to him?" "He's been cranky. Just leave him alone." Excuses people make to not deal with the fact that you are suffering, and that they don't really want to put in the effort to help you out. Truth is, space is the last thing that I need. And after hearing things like this from the last group of people you have to talk to is just... I wish I was the kind of person that could wake up everyday and not need anyone else's interaction. In trying to be ok with myself, I have made efforts to be that person. I really shouldn't care about people that value me so little. But everyday I wake up and hope that these people changed overnight. That they'll understand today what they brushed off yesterday. That they would care more, or see how much I need just a simple conversation, or ask if I need help. It's a pipe dream. I've seen enough of the world to know it. Sadly I wan't to be friends more than they want to be mine. Why do I feel like I need to beg? Why don't the people who told me they care actually do it, instead of just saying it? If I could just pick a city and start over tomorrow, I would. Go somewhere where I don't have to be "That guy's fiancee died.". Go somewhere where I don't have to hear judgement from people who didn't even know her. It would all still be a part of who I am. But at least I could have a clean slate. I'm sorry to vent so much.

Thanks for the advice. If I could, I'd probably cut most of them out of my life. But I'm not changing jobs anytime soon so... It always been really hard for me to be alone. I've always had an easy time making friends. I'm just not the same person anymore. I have been trying to focus on myself. Trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm supposed to do. I just don't know what that is anymore.

I've had a hard time making decisions lately. I used to hesitate because of our financial situation, paying for college and whatnot. Now that I'm not, I struggle to do anything for myself. I feel guilty trying to invest in myself and I don't know why. I should get a new car, or figure out where to move. But I just end up giving up or finding excuses about why I shouldn't. It hurts to be in the same house we lived in, and regardless on whether or not I could afford to move, it feels like I'm leaving something behind. I keep getting stuck. I'm no farther ahead of where I was almost a year ago. I still feel miserable. I want to start a hobby. Maybe a project car or start making my own guitars like I've always wanted to. Why do I feel so damn guilty when I try to move forward? Why am I so damn conflicted?

Sorry to hear about your husband brandylee. Don't be afraid to talk about things here. This is a great forum with people who understand where you are, and are here to listen. I also lost my fiancee to a car crash this past March. I've only been posting on this forum for a few weeks, but the people here have helped me a great deal. If you ever need to vent or just want someone to hear you, we are all here.

I just passed a year from my brother's suicide. I have a picture of us when we were 3 and 4. It took everything I had to look at it. I'm still struggling with how to deal with it one year later. I don't think it's gotten any easier. My fiancee's passing is coming up in March. I look toward that day with dread. My lady did her best to help me with my brother's passing, but no one's around to help me deal with her's. I do not see myself having plans or dinners. It's still too hard to look at pictures. Sadly, I'll end up distracting myself, instead of dealing with it.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Work has been difficult for me lately. I've been struggling with things that were never an issue before... I just seem to get caught up in the wrong situations, and end up making a decision based on how I feel, instead of what needs to be done. I'm still so damn angry. I do my best not to take it out on my co-workers, I walk away when I start to get angry. But its made me look weak to them. I avoid confrontations because I don't want to vent my frustrations on them. I don't think I can separate my anger from loss, and my anger from work. So even though I'm thinking of their best interest, I'm still looked down upon for it. In some cases even laughed at. I used to be involved in everything. Now no one wants me around. I just don't get why that bothers me so damn much. None of them went out of their way to help me at all. Why do I give a damn?

It's good that you found a place like this. I know a lot of us didn't have much local support either, myself included. I've only been on this forum for a few days, but it's helped me immensely. Everyone here understands what you are going through, even when you friends and family don't seem to be. I'm in my ninth month of this. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and felt alone and abandoned. It's a hard place to be. But know that you've got people here that are always around to listen. It's a rough club to be a part of. Stay strong, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

I'm still in the middle of dealing with all of this. But one thing I keep reliving is all of the mistakes I made with her. She never held them against me, and I know that I could've been better. I always used to promise to go on hikes and bike rides, but always ended up putting work first. When it came time to do things, I was just too tired. I was putting her through college, and I worried about finances so damn much. If I only knew... but that's hindsight isn't it? I can't say I'll be a better person. I can't say that I won't worry about money, or bills. But if I ever find someone who cared for me as half as much as she did, I won't ever blow those moments off ever again. I don't care about that time the bills where paid. I don't need to remember when I paid off my last car. I wish I had more memories of going on walks, not going to work. I think, with the right person you don't have to be "better". You just need to give that person as much of you as they can give of themselves. There will always be fights and mistakes. Looking back none of them really mattered in the long run. I'm a better person because of her. But she was just fine with the regular old me.